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I want out.... bite the bullet, or wait til the kids are older?

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Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    BeckyBoo wrote:
    Does not always work that way though, we do get married and hope it will be for life but not every marriage is this fairy tale that people imagine it to be. Marriage break ups do happen and will keep on happening.

    yes,but what Duncan appears to be saying (or at least,what I'm taking from his posts) is "I'm bored,can't be bothered working at my marriage because it doesn't mean that much to me any more. Lets get divorced!".


    Just how I see it.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I think you're being realy quite selfish Duncan, with your comments of "doesn't it feel great when someone likes being with you?".


    I won't say "sorry if I'm offending" because I'm not. You posted this for people's opinions and this is mine. But then, I view anyone prepared to walk out on a marriage because "it doesn't work" or "I'm bored" as selfish. Marriage is for life, not till one partner finds someone better or grows tired of it.


    so does he have to spend the rest of his life unhappy? at the end of the day your happiness is just as important as the kids welfare and they wont thank you for staying around for their sake when they get older.i know i didnt when my mum left my dad.she spent years of her life unhappy for my sake! and what for? i felt guilty that she had........he has to move on mate! :)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    yes,but he appears to be martyring himself for it.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    perhaps....but at the end of the day we only have 1 life!
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    if he really doesnt love her anymore thats different to being bored.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    if he really doesnt love her anymore thats different to being bored.

    yea!!!!!
  • Indrid ColdIndrid Cold Warming up? Posts: 16,688
    BeckyBoo wrote:
    Oh yeah I agree some people wont work at it, they hit a problem and its divorce.

    In the case we are talking about here he is in the wrong in my opinion because if you wanna have affairs/chat up other females blah blah then at least have the decency to leave your wife before you do it.
    That's what I've been trying to say too... And apart from that, he seems to be expecting everything to go good and well.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Zalbor wrote:
    That's what I've been trying to say too... And apart from that, he seems to be expecting everything to go good and well.

    fair coment!
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    DEANO MAC wrote:
    yea!!!!!


    doesnt excuse the affair though.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Some quite interesting views since I last replied... a few from the more militant wing!

    As pointed out above, I did ask for views to give me some perspective... I didn't expect to agree with them all, and I don't.

    I'm not exactly running out of my marriage at the first hurdle, as suggested... I've been faithful to my wife for approaching 30 years, since we were kids, and married for 20... we've seen a lot of crap over those years and dealt with it thus far. I am now at the stage where I know we won't make each other happy for the rest of our lives, and, at present, are making each other miserable.. and the kids too, by default.

    Interesting that some posters think the kids wouldn't be happy spending a week with each of us... works well in a couple of cases I know ..we'll see, won't we? If not, then we'll work something else out.

    I know it won't be all roses when the shit hits the fan, I'm not stupid, but at least we'll be moving on, instead of deeper into crap.

    I do take issue with the judgements of those who think/thought I was wrong to admit how happy I was to be wanted by someone... I suppose no-one ever treats you badly, but if it happens, and then things pick up a bit, how can it be un-natural to be pleased?

    So, thanks for your views, once again... compared to my present situation, I'm not overly worried if a few of you think I'm a tosser.

    dunc.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    duncan wrote:
    I'm not exactly running out of my marriage at the first hurdle, as suggested... I've been faithful to my wife for approaching 30 years, since we were kids, and married for 20... we've seen a lot of crap over those years and dealt with it thus far. I am now at the stage where I know we won't make each other happy for the rest of our lives, and, at present, are making each other miserable.. and the kids too, by default.

    sounds like you're martyring youself. again.
    Interesting that some posters think the kids wouldn't be happy spending a week with each of us... works well in a couple of cases I know ..we'll see, won't we? If not, then we'll work something else out.

    how can you be sure that your kids will even want to see you? you're walking out on your family. you're leaving them. hows that gonna look to a couple of pre-teens? maybe the 7 year old wont see it like that, but I can almost gaurentee you the 11 year old will see it that way,even if he/she doesn't voice it. apart from anything, they're going to see the pain you inflict on their mother which will make their pain and resentment of you worse.

    I know it won't be all roses when the shit hits the fan, I'm not stupid, but at least we'll be moving on, instead of deeper into crap.

    martyring yourself.

    I suppose no-one ever treats you badly .

    of course they do. Everyone is treated badly at times. I've only been with my boyfriend 16 months, I know thats almost nothing compared to 30 years, but my God we take some work. Everything worth having takes work.
    I'm not overly worried if a few of you think I'm a tosser.


    good, because I think you're acting like an absoloute knob-end. But then, you did ask for our opinions and I'm bias.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    i think you are a tad bias on this one.......i think nob eds a bit unfair aswell..there is no easy way to end a relationship!! and yes i think having an affair is the wrong way to go about it......but thats how it happens for alot of people.it makes them realise how happy they could be.i,m sure he,ll sort it the best way he can!
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Zalbor wrote:
    That's what I've been trying to say too... And apart from that, he seems to be expecting everything to go good and well.

    In many cases all is good and well when the marriage breaks up. As long as he sees the kids reguarly, does not put them before his bit of stuff, be honest with the kids and does not make promises he cannot keep then things should be ok. Thats as long as his wife does not shit stir with the kids.

    Duncan, I dont think you are a tosser you are obviously thinking this through but what does worry me slightly is that because you are getting some attention from another woman is it this that is making you see your life at home in a mess. We all love attention from the opposite sex and sometimes when life has been a bit dull at home we want more of that fun that someone else can give us. Its not till you leave the marriage that you realise that was all it was 'just a bit of fun' and nothing more serious.
    Oh and affairs are bang out of order....leave your missus then have the fun.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    duncan wrote:

    Interesting that some posters think the kids wouldn't be happy spending a week with each of us... works well in a couple of cases I know ..we'll see, won't we? If not, then we'll work something else out.

    I know it won't be all roses when the shit hits the fan, I'm not stupid, but at least we'll be moving on, instead of deeper into crap.



    dunc.

    can only speak from own point of view, this may not work for everyone. it also will probably be a while before you get to this point as if your wife doesnt want that to happen it wont. if she wants it to go to court then a court is unlikely to agree to a week each - they mostly pick the mother.

    it may not come to that, but generally does with angry women.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hi,

    As a lot of people have already said, every situation is different, and a lot depends on how your wife reacts. In my case, the affair wasnt the cause of the relationship breaking up, we had been very unhappy for many years, it was just a wake up call for me. If you do want out of the marriage then it has to be for you and not for someone else. Maybe you should put the affair on hold so that you can learn to know yourself as a single person again and have time to concentrate on you and your children.

    Children do get effected by a breakdown of a marriage, theres no getting away from that but it can go many ways. My children (similar ages to Duncans) were sad and angry at times but mostly they were relieved that they wernt in an unhappy home anymore - instead of two people either argueing or ignoring each other they now had two parents that were happy and were able to give them the attention that they deserved. My youngest took everything in his stride and accepted it surprisingly well, my oldest did have bouts of anger now and again but not because he wanted us to stay together, he thought that we should have split a long time before we actually did! So like I say, it can go many ways - you never know utill it happens.

    It was my idea to split and yes, he did take it badly to start with and was very hurt. Obviously I knew that this would be the case but it was unavoidable. As has been said before, you do only have one life, and its vertually impossible to go through that life pleasing other people all of the time whilst sacrificing your own happiness and in my case my sanity.

    I agree with the comments that marriage is something that should be taken seriously and not just thrown away, but when the love has gone and you know deep down that you cant get that back, then all you do is hurt yourself and other people by living a lie.

    My children see their Dad every other weekend and all of the half-term and summer holidays and they are perfectly happy with it, it has always been like this and hasnt caused any confusion at all. It is so important to be consistant with children so that they know the rules and boundrys, they need to know where they are in the case of divorced parents, so once contact arrangements have been made it is vital for the children that both parents stick to them no matter what their feelings towards each other are. I feel that I have been very lucky in this respect as we have never disputed over the children so I hope that this will be the case with you. Again, it realy depends on your wife and her reactions.

    I think it wrong that you have been dissed for saying that its good to be happy agian, why shouldnt you be - we all deserve to be happy in our lives. Your leaving may hurt others but in time they too will be happy again and hopefully, like my ex husband, will be able to gain some positives from the situation ranther than the negatives. It takes a stronger person to walk away from a bad and unhealthy relationship that it does to stay and put up and shut up!

    I sincerely hope that it all works out for you.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Bite the bullet for sure. Suicide is definately the best option.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    yes,but he appears to be martyring himself for it.

    (quote representative of *chris_bitch* 's latest, simiarly themed responses too..)


    ... my, don't you talk a load of crap? I really don't know where you are coming from at all... is no-one ever allowed to state their opinion in Chris Bitch world without being accused of seeking a sympathy vote? I need none.. I just asked for views to help me steer my course. Yours too..although the vitriol you managed to convey with your manic opinions suggests that you won't be hired as a marriage guidance counsellor anytime soon. Go and get a bit of life experience before you try imposing your ill-considered and naive views on the rest of us. I was married 3 years before you were born.

    You ask 'How can I even expect that my kids will want to see me?' Because they love me, CB, and they know I love them, because I spend time with them, because I talk to them, because I listen to them. It's not a popularity contest, or a competition for 'best parent'.. we both love our kids. And they know it. And they know that we have some problems.

    CB.. you are one angry lady... thank fuck you're someone else's problem. Good luck with your 30 years... sorry, months.

    Loopy... thanks for your replies.

    Nicebutdim23 ... regardless of our issues, my wife is a very loving mum. She knows her kids would want to spend a fairly equal amount of time with both of us. We'll have to wait and see.

    BeckyBoo... my affair is not the reason for my decision, it's just helped me realise things I really knew years ago. My friend is independant and happy.. she won't want me moving into her life any more than I'd want to. I am not planning to leave my wife for someone else.... I just don't want to be here any more.

    dunc
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    not saying your wife isnt currently a loving mum.... have just seen what can happen when a woman gets bitter and angry, and experienced it. just because you know her now doesnt mean that u will once people start getting hurt.
    i hope you get what you want and that it is best for your kids.

    just remember...there is a hell of a lot of truth in the saying "hell hath no fury like a woman scorned " . i have lived through it and seen it happen on countless other occaisions.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    [QUOTE=

    I just don't want to be here any more.

    dunc[/QUOTE]

    well do me a favour, be honest with your missus, get out and dont carry on that affair till you are out of the marriage and make sure you tell the kids the truth...thats all.

    Im not against anyone leaving marriages, far from it as I have been married before and know things sometimes dont work out. Its the affair bit im not happy about.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Cheating is not fair game, whether you've been n a relationship for 3 months or 30 years... In fact after such a time I would have thought somebody would understand the importance of commitment to their family before jumping in and having a shag on the side.

    Sorry to put it that way, but it's how I feel having had a father who cheated on my mother. And I have every right to be angry because of the hurt he caused her and because of his dishonesty. To me, from my perspective my father isn't a real man (not because of the cheating alone, so don't take it as an insult).

    Look mate, I'd really back out of your relationship. Nobody can justify cheating and it's best to get away whilst you still can. What my father did has ruined my chances of ever trusting a man and maybe your kids will end up as hurt as myself and a lot of other young men and women are.

    Think of them before anything.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    [QUOTE=BeckyBoo
    well do me a favour, be honest with your missus, get out and dont carry on that affair till you are out of the marriage and make sure you tell the kids the truth...thats all.

    [/QUOTE]


    MoonRat wrote:
    Cheating is not fair game, whether you've been n a relationship for 3 months or 30 years... In fact after such a time I would have thought somebody would understand the importance of commitment to their family before jumping in and having a shag on the side.

    ....

    Look mate, I'd really back out of your relationship. Nobody can justify cheating and it's best to get away whilst you still can. What my father did has ruined my chances of ever trusting a man and maybe your kids will end up as hurt as myself and a lot of other young men and women are.

    Think of them before anything.

    I agree with your thoughts. The affair, as such, is not going to go anywhere or repeat for the present. I intend to speak to my wife and kids this week.

    Thanks everyone.

    dunc
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    My advice is not to stay together for the kids. They're at an age where they can see that you both do not get on anymore/you are drifting.
    It's no good for them to be living in a house where there is no longer any love, or affection between the two of you. Children pick up on it very easily you know.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Mate, this was posted months ago. Little out of date.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Wonder if he did leave her? :chin:
  • Indrid ColdIndrid Cold Warming up? Posts: 16,688
    Maybe she killed him. Or kicked him out of the house and now he has no internet and can't see his kids.
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