If you need urgent support, call 999 or go to your nearest A&E. To contact our Crisis Messenger (open 24/7) text THEMIX to 85258.
Options
Decisions
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
This kinda follows on from the topic about moving in together, but it's a bit on a tangent, so I thought I'd bung this in a new thread....
Having a partner can be so complicated...I've been living with my boyfriend at his mum's for a year, and that's worked out fine so far and we hope to get a flat together in a few years time (when my bf's cleared his law school debts).
BUT, I've been offered a 3 year studentship of 10k a year to do a PhD at Sheffield and I'd love to do it, but basicly my boyfriend's said that whether we manage to move out when we were hoping (maybe 3 years time) depends on the decision I make with this. Not like there's any pressure then
I know he's right and I'm worried that if I do choose the PhD it will put a huge amount of pressure on our relationship, however much he says that he'll stand by whatever I decide. I really don't want to end up splitting up with him because I'm being selfish and putting myself first in a decision that affects him, but I also know that this is a once in a lifetime chance. Whatever I choose I'll always be thinking 'what if???' Everyone is so proud of me for having been offered the studentship...my Mum, my Dad, my old tutor from Bristol are all proud as punch, but I'm really not sure i's the best thing to do. I don't want to put my relationship on the line, I don't want Dunc being resentful of the fact that i didn't get a job, yet it would be a huge thing to give up.
I also can't help thinking that it would be a so much easier decision if I was a free agent and not tied down...I'd have no problems with thinking about flat buying, as I wouldn't necessarily be fixated on buying, I'd have no problems with moving up to Sheffield, I'd have no problems with doing research in Germany, I wouldn't be constantly thinking 'what happens 3 years from now?'. But that's not the situation I'm in. I'm attached and so have to make compromises and this is probably one of the compromises I'll have to make.
Don't worry, I'm not asking you guys to make my decision for me...this is more a rant than a question
Having a partner can be so complicated...I've been living with my boyfriend at his mum's for a year, and that's worked out fine so far and we hope to get a flat together in a few years time (when my bf's cleared his law school debts).
BUT, I've been offered a 3 year studentship of 10k a year to do a PhD at Sheffield and I'd love to do it, but basicly my boyfriend's said that whether we manage to move out when we were hoping (maybe 3 years time) depends on the decision I make with this. Not like there's any pressure then
I know he's right and I'm worried that if I do choose the PhD it will put a huge amount of pressure on our relationship, however much he says that he'll stand by whatever I decide. I really don't want to end up splitting up with him because I'm being selfish and putting myself first in a decision that affects him, but I also know that this is a once in a lifetime chance. Whatever I choose I'll always be thinking 'what if???' Everyone is so proud of me for having been offered the studentship...my Mum, my Dad, my old tutor from Bristol are all proud as punch, but I'm really not sure i's the best thing to do. I don't want to put my relationship on the line, I don't want Dunc being resentful of the fact that i didn't get a job, yet it would be a huge thing to give up.I also can't help thinking that it would be a so much easier decision if I was a free agent and not tied down...I'd have no problems with thinking about flat buying, as I wouldn't necessarily be fixated on buying, I'd have no problems with moving up to Sheffield, I'd have no problems with doing research in Germany, I wouldn't be constantly thinking 'what happens 3 years from now?'. But that's not the situation I'm in. I'm attached and so have to make compromises and this is probably one of the compromises I'll have to make.
Don't worry, I'm not asking you guys to make my decision for me...this is more a rant than a question
0
Comments
If your relationship is strong enough, and you both want it enough, it will work out.
If its not, then dont you think its better to find out sooner than later, when you have a place together.
You will probably only get this one chance to do the Phd. You have the rest of your life to move in with your boyfriend.
But at the end of the day do what you want to do. dont consider the logic. Which one do you want more than anything? have you always dreamt about studying for a Phd?
The thing is he's just about to start a training contract - he'll be working on pretty low wages the first couple of years, but then his salary will more or less double when he becomes a fully trained solicitor. So in 3 years time there is a possibility that he'd be able to get a deposit & a morgage pretty quickly, but I don't really like the thought of not contributing myself. Also, if I do this, I don't know *what* I'll be doing in 3 years time. From what I've read, fellowships and the like are tricky to come by, I won't necessarily be able to restrict myself to London when looking for positions within universities and if I decide I want out from academia I'm not sure who will want to employ a 26 year old with no full time, paid, work experience. It's been hard enough job seeking this summer. the more I think about it the more I think that the best thing to do would be to turn it down...I don't want to end up in 3 years time being penniless, jobless and having screwed up a fantastic relationship.
As for 'having always dreamt of doing a PhD', well no, I love History, but never really gave it much serious thought before now. Before this opportunity arose I was all set to persue a career in politics/policy research. I dunno where I am now...
You dont know if the relationship will last, even if you think it will now.
Always make provision for your future.
if it is you have to do it. it's not selfish in the slightest. if he loves you, he'll understand.
I decided to shut my eyes and say yes to the PhD. To be honest, I'm not 110% sure it was the best thing to do - the admin jobs I had interviews coming up for would be a lot more secure, but you only get one chance at life and seeing as people seemed to be pretty enthused by my thesis proposal I might as well go for it! If I do a bit of work alongside it, I shouldn't come out too unemployable
Money-wise should be just about ok..the studentship is £9,500 (plus extra for research expenses) which after rent and bills should work out at somewhere between £113 (with adult yearly LU travelcard and buying lunch) and £190 (with student travel card and bringing in sarnies).
I feel quite excited now :hyper: but I've got my dissertation to get finished first...