My Dad's burns

Former Member · June 2005

Wasn't sure if this should be here or health but never mind...

I think ever since my mum and dad split up 3 years ago my dad has always had a burn mark somewhere or other.
Every time it happens he has a diffrent story... either he's lent over the kettle as it was boiling by accident (I've done this before and havn't got a burn from it which makes me think he'd have to hold his arm over it for a while for it to burn him, besides this seems to happen every few weeks, wouldn't he move the kettle or learn from doing it so many times before???) or he burns himself on the oven door, or he's been burnt by a cig in a club... I think there's even been carpet burns from when he works out in the morning :eek2: .
I don't remember the last time he didn't have a burn somewhere and I'm getting more and more suspitious.
My sister thought maybe there's a possibility it's something kinky... which I don't really want to think about, but my other thoughts are he could be either self harming or getting too drunk to really know what he's doing and keeps injuring himself... either way it isn't really good.

He does seem to have a drink problem. He rarely doesn't have a drink at night, and if he has one he has a couple more. Once I had a conversation about this when he seemed to have a few wiskeys every single night and he said he'd stop for a bit... but he just started drinking brandy instead. He also seems to find it hard to keep awake a lot of the time, which is probably because he's on blood pressure medicine and I don't think they mix very well (wouldn't you think he's stop drinking because of the risk he's taking on his blood pressure if he could?)
I've found him asleep at his computer a few times before, and if he's reading he'll nod off after a few minutes. His face goes red and he snores a lot when he's had a drink too... I just can't see that it's doing him any good and cos I don't live with him I'm worried that he's sleeping at his computer every night or something but I don't know how to bring this up in conversation without him getting all defensive, which does happen any time I've tried which makes me think he really can't help drinking.

And I don't know wether I should mention or ask about the burns again, because I'm guessing if it is a form of self harm he doesn't really want to go talking about it, and if it is drink related then thats the defensive button again! :crazyeyes

Just don't really know what to do, cos it stresses me out when I stay at his house (apart from finding him asleep at his desk at 4 in the morning and having to wake him up, the snoring keeps me awake - and he definatly doesn't snore as bad when he's sober).
Do you think theres a tactful way of approaching any of this? Or anything I can do to help?

(Sorry the post is so long, just really feels good to get it all off my chest)

Former Member · June 2005

Is there anybody you can speak to about this? Like, another relative or something?

Your dad obviously need proffesional help. Maybe just showing him that you care and are worried will help him.

All I can say is talk to someone about it.

Former Member · June 2005

have you mentioned to your dad how concerned you are? maybe once he sees that people have notived his burns (which i do suspect are self-harm, so maybe he's crying for help) then he'll feel better+be able to deal with his problems?

Former Member · June 2005

I've talked to my mum about it but quite understandably she doesn't really want to get involved with being divorced from him now (although they are still firends, she just wants to keep at a certain distance).

It's just hard to get someone to talk to a professional unless they want to, and I don't want to make him do it unless he's ready (I've been to counsellors before because other people wanted me to and it didn't help because I wasn't ready). It's just for my own sake I want him to notice what he's doing to himself cos it's affecting me too :yeees:

Former Member · June 2005

sugar_mouse wrote:

have you mentioned to your dad how concerned you are? maybe once he sees that people have notived his burns (which i do suspect are self-harm, so maybe he's crying for help) then he'll feel better+be able to deal with his problems?

I never really know if people are crying out for help or not with self harm that's the problem.
I had a friend who did for a long time, and tried to commit suiside a few times and I was the only person they talked to about it, but at least then it was out in the open, I think they'd have killed me if I'd got people involved about it... I did persuade him to see the school nurse about it but I don't think it helped much and other than just sticking by him I was a bit useless.

If I've got the wrong end of the stick with my dad I could really put my foot in it

I don't know how I'd even bring it up cos you can't exactly say "Hey dad, you know those burns on your arms, did you do them dilberatly?" :chin:

Former Member · June 2005

Just say oh so casually, "geez da are you trying to set a world record or something"?

My mum does a suicide awareness course and depsite public opinion, most people who harbour suicidal tendencies want to be asked about it - apparently it relieves them of some of their worries. Dont be worried about your dad self harming if you ask him about it. Best get it out in the open, let him know youre worried about him.

Former Member · July 2005

scytherchicks right - even though your dad may be shocked about you asking him about these issues, im sure he'll be relieved. And if you have the wrong idea, he should be pleased that his daughter cares enough about him to bring up such a difficult issue with him!
He may not need councilling, if he knows you're there for him. If you mention it to him, maybe reassure him that you wont go telling all the family, unless he wants you to tell anybody on his behalf!

Former Member · July 2005

Yeah, you're probably right. I may pluck up the courage to talk to him about it this weekend when I see him.

Former Member · July 2005

yeah, i think thats best. Just explain to him that you're really worried about him+if he ever needs to talk, then you're there for him. How often do you see him?

Former Member · July 2005

Usually once a week, but not always. I didn't really see him much more when I lived with him though cos he had a very demanding job, I feel like I get more quality time with him these days which is good.

Maybe if I tell him I'm worried about how he's getting these burns and ask him if it's self harm then at least if it isn't it might jolt him into moving his kettle! :razz:

I supose it can't do any harm in asking anyway, I'll just have to pick the right moment :chin:

Former Member · July 2005

im sure he'll be flattered that you care so much. Just let him know that you're there for him! And, ive just thought, maybe by doing more things with him in the evenings, he wont drink as much+it'll help him see just how much he's missing out ont and that there are more important things in life than drink!!!
BTW, do you mind if i PM you?

Former Member · July 2005

Don't mind at all no

.

It's a bit hard distracting him from pouring himself a drink... seems sort of automatic.
he even had two glasses of wine the other week when we went out for a meal and he was driving :nervous:

Former Member · July 2005

you may have to talk to him about that aswell, as now he's not only endangering his health, which is bad enough, but also other peoples, by drink driving.

Former Member · July 2005

Well... Kind of attempted to bring the subject up with my Dad this weekend. Not sure how successful it was though.

I pointed one of them out (he has two at the moment) and asked how and when he did it... then he pointed the other one out which I hadn't even noticed

. I can't really remember what he said about them but I bravely asked him if he did it when he'd had a drink... I was very surprised because he didn't get uppity or anything and just said no, very matter of factly and said he usually did it on the oven when he was cooking etc etc. I jokingly said that we'd have to set up a burns help-line for him and he looked a bit sheepish. And then I said he'd have to be careful because people at work would start to think he'd been self harming and he said very seriously "they probably already do". Which I thought was an interesting response... then my sister came into the room and was talking to him about it too.
She said later that she remembers a part of the conversation where one of us mentioned self harm and he said "well maybe I do"... but very quietly... either I didn't hear it or it was the people at work comment that I'd made and my sister heard the reply wrong.
But anyway, it felt a bit like getting water from a stone so I left the convo at that and not really any clearer about any of it.

My mum said that maybe now I've brought the subject up with my dad she could have a word with him sometime and say I've been worried that he's self harming but I don't know, does that sound like a good thing to do or should I just leave it as it is?

Former Member · July 2005

i think that you've helped your dad to take a step in the right direction, whether thats being more careful when cooking, or admitting to his difficulties.
See how he is over the next weeks or so, and if you dont notice a difference, maybe get your mum to ask him about it.
Well done, your dad's lucky to have your's and your sister's support.

Former Member · July 2005

I think youve made a great start. All he needs to know now is that he can talk to you anytime, and that you wont judge him - Thats if you feel you can handle that.

My Dad's burns

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