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Does going to uni mean its over?
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
Me and my boyfriend have been together for about 6 months and we are really serious about each other. We have talked about what we want to do in the future and all our plans include being with each other. However, we weren't together when we applied to university and the time is getting ever closer to us being 6 hours apart by train.
We have talked about it and he has made it clear that he can't handle a relationship where we only see each other at christmas, easter and summer (as visitng at weekends is going to be very difficult). Its leaving us both heart broken and I don't know what to do. I was prepared to try and see if we could get through the 4 years at university seperately but its becoming increasingly clear that maybe it can't work afterall.
I don't know what to do and need your help...i'm crying myself to sleep at the moment
Thank you
We have talked about it and he has made it clear that he can't handle a relationship where we only see each other at christmas, easter and summer (as visitng at weekends is going to be very difficult). Its leaving us both heart broken and I don't know what to do. I was prepared to try and see if we could get through the 4 years at university seperately but its becoming increasingly clear that maybe it can't work afterall.
I don't know what to do and need your help...i'm crying myself to sleep at the moment
Thank you
0
Comments
that said, other alternative could be maybe one of you could transfer to a closer uni??
i hope it works out 4u hun let us know...
If transfering isnt an option, and you really want to make it work it is possible, many people at my uni do manage long distance relationships and it makes alot of couples stronger. The chances are when you get your timetables, one or both of you wont have lectures on a fri afternoon or monday morning, so meaning you would be able to make a longer weekend of it if you went to see each other.
How far are you both from home? You would be able to meet back there for the weekend sometimes too, cos your family will want to see you at some point as well! And remember Christmas holidays are really long when you add on revison leave too, and summer is like 3 and half months of every year. When you say you are on 4 year courses are you doing placements? cos that year you could both get jobs in the same area?
It is workable, as long as you both really want it to happen, good luck hon, and even if you decide you are going to have to break up, try your best to enjoy this summer together and make it special, and who knows, by the time Christmas comes round, or even before then, you might realsie you have made the wrong decison, and infact are going to give the long distasnce thing a go if it means you can be together,
DO NOT MOVE UNI. If you can't do it long distance, then it's unlikely you'll do it long distance just because the distance is reduced to a couple of hours. Even being at the same uni isn't a guarentee anything is going to work.
Good luck making it work, but both of you will change more than either of you realise when you head off for the next stage in your life, don't change things you've planned for on the off chance.
Sure it'll hurt for a bit but you'll be shocked just how much you find yourself and your life changing over the next few years.
It works for some people, as I'm sure we'll get a load coming on waffling about "the love of my life" (I hate that phrase) and telling us so, but out of all the people that I know that made compromises, only one or two are still with that same person. Oh, and they'd been with this person a whole lot longer than 6 months when they *did* go to Uni!
Also speaking from personal experience here. I was with a girl 2 years, but we were realistic and agreed after 1 year that we'd break up after 2 years, as she was going to Uni. It worked a treat and 5 years on, we're still friends, which I doubt would be the case if we'd have had a big break up.
When she moved to Uni, I moved down South and started a new career as an IT Contractor. I certainly wouldn't have done that if I'd have stayed in Bradford, waiting for my girlfriend who was at Uni, out pissed every night.
No - embrace this time of change.
G.
Deep down I know that going to the uni that i picked originally is what i need to do but i'm worried of arriving there and being a miserable wreck!! I want the new people i meet to get to know the real me not some tearful little girl who doesn't want to have fun! I want to experience uni to the full but at the moment its just all tangled with confusion and sadness.
We're starting to look into one of us going to the other uni through clearing but I know that it can't work as I would never want him to follow me and do a substandard course just to be with me. At the end of the day we have both picked uni's that are the best in the country for the courses that we want to do and I don't want him to compromise his future. But at the same time he says that the only future he wants is me but i know that its not that black and white. Aaaaaahhhhh I'm such a mess!!!
At the end of the day he makes me the happiest girl in the world and I'm not sure that I could handle making the decision that means we have to break up
I'm amazed at how, looking at how I dealt with it, people make such a big deal of things... Not that I don't sound like a right cynical old fart now. It hurt when we broke up, but we KNEW it was for the right reasons.
Seriously - sit back and think about it objectively.
He isn't prepared to do the long distance thing... Yet the only future he wants is with you?! Obviously not.
You've both a lot of living and growing to do.
What decision is that exactly? You've already chosen where you want to go - why should you have to make a change when he isn't? Also - you don't want to compromise *his* future...? Well, what about yours?! You should stick with your first choice. It was your first choice for a reason. Why change that........?!
I dont know how you can tell her that her relationship will definately be over soon, this guy really could be the one for her.
Although, I do admit the fact he wont do long distance doesnt sound too great. BUT, my bf and me decided that he would move with me to uni, he works and was going to get a job up there with me. We even had a house sorted up there, and I was so excited.
Then, one day he turned round and said he wasnt coming anymore, and I should go on my own, he was gutted about it, but had just got a massive contract down here and couldnt turn it down (well he chose not to turn it down anyway) so I started to plan how we could still see loads of eachother, and he's like no, its over, I cant do long distance.
He broke my heart (we had been together nearly 3 years and living together for 2) I tried to enjoy my first couple of weeks in halls, but i was constantly crying on the inside. I asked him if I could come down and see him, and we both realised he'd made a dumb mistake, and we had a long distance relationship for around 3 months, only across 120mile, so I saw him every fortnight, he couldnt come see me cos his daughter couldnt stay in halls, but then he got a house up there, and it was brilliant, having uni and him.
But now we are back down here again, because by the worst timing ever I got pregnant, and as all his family are down here for support we decded to move, and i have defered uni for a year.
We have had our major ups and downs, but we are in this for the long run, and with us splitting up, me moving away, and the million other things that have gone wrong for us, we are still here, and together and happy.
I guess the moral of my babbling life story is, it is possible.
good luck hon,
YOU only did the long distance thing for 3 MONTHS, NOT for 3 or 4 YEARS. He moved up there, and after a while you got pregnant etc so... Your bloke had his career to go on with, and you can always get a new job - shifting university is SOOO much harder etc as there's no telling what you've missed. He AGREED to move with you.
These two people have their own goals etc and if he doesn't want to do the long distance thing then that's a rather large spanner in the works. Also - to possibly jeopardise a chance at the place you really want to go to, for the sake of 6 months, to me, isn't worth it.
ALSO - you had been together for nearly 3 years, living together 2, which is a whole other ball game to 6 months.
I will say this about what I posted: I missed out a word which made it come across a little harsher than it maybe should have. It should have read like so:
"Personally I wouldn't put what could (and will) be a very important part of your life on hold for, or compromise for, somebody who, and let's be honest here, you PROBABLY won't be with in the not too distant future."
I'm not, and never have been, one to look at things through rose tinted spectacles, girly - I'm a realist and so look at things objectively.
Also - did I not say that a few people would come on posting "ooooo - well it worked for me" etc, you are one of the FEW, the minority - and your circumstances were FAR different to having two people going to different Universities.
If it wasn't for the fact that your chap had said he'd move with you to Uni - would YOU still have gone (taking into account that things fell apart at the last minute)? Would YOU have sacrificed the Uni of your choice if your bloke had known that there was no way he could go with you well in advance? I suspect you might have... There's no way I would have. Not a chance. It would be my future, and if the relationship was worth it, then it'd last.
Again - look at this objectively. Your situation is sod all like hers, in all honesty.
G.
If you and him are meant to be you'll deal with the distance. If you can't manage that then the rel isn't as serious as you thought. I'm not saying it'll be easy, cos I'd be lying if I did, but you can make it work and if you want to see each other more, then you'l just have to do without the constant nightlife every night and save so that you can afford to once a fortnight or whatever.
My boyfriend and I are three hours from each other by train, but we still have managed to see each other basically every weekend since I've been at uni. It is a mission but if you're serious, then you'll be prepared to make the journey, even if it is only every couple of weeks - it'll make it even better when you do get to see one another. Plus, university terms are on average about 10-12 weeks long (some are less), and then you get at least a month off for Christmas, Easter etc. and three months in the summer, so that is five months of the year you'll be close to one another.
I would reccomend that you look at the availability of coaches as well because driving time can be a lot quicker than train time, for example to drive 200 miles it only takes 3-4 hours whereas it would probably take about 6 hours on the train.
But yeah ultimately changing universities is not a good idea and I think you have realised that, you would probably end up feeling resentment that you didn't do the best for yourself and if something did happen between the two of you and you broke up, changing to a second rate uni is something that you would regret for the rest of your life. Even if you could go back to your original choice after a couple of years it would be a waste of a lot of time and money.
then they can do long distance. End of.
nothing personal if I'm wrong, but you really don't sound like you've been to Uni or have any idea what it's like.
BUT with us, the will was there to try and carry on long distance from the beginning. With your boyfriend that doesn't seem to be the case. He says his only future is you yet he's too cowardly to see how it goes staying together whilst at uni
If you're committed to each other being long distance really doesn't have to be a problem, but you both have to really want it to work.
think the comment you made before sounds alot better with the 'probably' in it, and I would agree.
And I never said our situations were that similar, I couldnt do 4 years long distance, and I would have changed my plans to be with him yes. Im not saying shes like me, the point of me telling me my story was that even though he says he isnt prepared to do long distance, when it comes to actually been without her, he might change his mind. I think she has her head screwed on alot better than mine and wouldnt put him before her future, but just wanted to point out that all isnt lost cos of what hes saying right now.
Possibly rubbish... This is depending on where you are travelling from and too but 200 miles from London to Leeds takes 2 hours 10 on the fast train. 2 hour 25 is the norm.
If you're having to chop and change a lot, then it's a different ball game as you can spend a long time waiting and going very round and about.
Aye - depends where you are living and if any train journey I went on took 6 hours for 200 miles, I would be about ready to shoot somebody. That's an average of 33mph which is dog slow, by anybodies standards.
Also - no traffic on the train (usually!).
No offence taken, but you are wrong.
of course, you could be in the 2%. but is that a chance you're willing to take? especially considering he 'won't do long distance'.
if you are meant to be together, you can and you will get back together after uni. if you're not, even moving into the same block of the same building won't make it so.
Agreed - DON'T change your choice of Uni to be nearer him because it probably won't work out and you'll end up regretting it. Go where YOU want to go to do what YOU want to do because YOU'RE the one that has to do it - not him. Make yourself happy before you bother about anyone else. If it's meant to be, it'll be - fate has a nice way of working everything out :yes:
Erm, thats why I said driving time "can" be a lot quicker than train times?
It takes me three hours to get from Reading to Kent on the train, whereas it takes less than an hour and a half to drive. Depends if you're lucky to be somewhere enough where you can get a direct services, or have to make changes etc.
No need to jump down my throat love, it was only a suggestion!
when im at uni im about a 4 hour train journey away from my boyfriends house. He works away from home so its actually further.
We were together 6 months before i went to uni and we have lasted 2 years so far.
If you both put in enough effort it can be done, but obviously travel costs can be quite alot. If you both get a young person's railcard you will cut train costs by a third.
Of course it will also depend on how much contact you can have while your both at uni. If you have a phoneline and internet in your uni rooms it will be easy to keep contact. In my first year i had neither....living proof it can be done.
Theres loads of options i just need to work out - my boyfriend today did tell me he would be prepared to look into going to my uni as at the end of the day the course he wants to do is better at my uni than his original applications. Then again, i would never want him to make a decision he regretted etc etc so we just need to make the decisions that are right for both of us as individuals and see where that leaves us as a couple.