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I just say f*** it

Former MemberFormer Member The Mix Honorary GuruPosts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
Hi,

Just a quick warning; this is one hell of a rant. So if self-pity and ranting aren't things you like reading, use the "back" button on your browser, or just close this web page. Thanks :)

A bit about me:
I'm currently 19, second year of Uni studying law, radio presenter / technical person for the Uni radio, about to begin work in commercial radio over the summer, self employed web designer / radio station installations and software, complete with a niche market that I'm aiming at.

Okay, got that? Well, that's about all there is good for me.

The rest about me:
I have no friends I can trust. My fault, because those who I could once trust I was rude to, and so lost them. Still, those I felt I could trust this year I find out don't like me or just don't give a fuck.

I have few, if any, friends.. Kind of linked to the above; I know people / know of people - in fact, quite a few, such as those to do with the radio, and those on my course in my seminar groups. Yet I don't know them well enough to really call them "friends". Feel free to suggest I should try to get to know these people, but I see no point - all of those that I once tried to get to know turned out to be fake (that includes the "friends" from school, college and my first year of Uni)

I can't be bothered. For someone who used to be goal-ambitious and see positive things in everything, I couldn't care less what the future - or even the present - holds. I don't care if my essays are shit. I can't be bothered to revise, despite taking brilliant notes througout the majority of lectures.

I gamble. For someone who is generally rational and sensible, the last few months have seen me taking up the evil bitch called gambling. It mainly consists of playing poker online (I can't remember what got me started). Thankfully, I don't gamble what I don't have - I just gamble the money I spent years saving up and working for via web design. I'm grateful that most of my money is locked up in some high interest thingy, meaning I've got several grand for when I leave Uni; but it makes living in the present tight.

I'm a born liar. I seem to lie to everyone (again, it links in with why I probably don't have any friends etc). Don't know why - I just do. Makes me out to be someone who is better than the real me. Perhaps I hate living in reality, so I lie. Who knows.

I hate myself. I used to see the good things in myself. Now, I hate myself. Hate the way I look, the way I act, the way I talk, the way I think, the fact I'm not motivated, the fact I'm a bad person because I gamble and lie. I hate myself.

I can't sleep. I always use to sleep fine. Now, I struggle to get to sleep until like 6 in the morning, and by the time I wake up, most of the day is gone, so I see no point. Time passes by too quickly, and I'm doing fuck all.

(Perhaps) I'm depressed. Depression is a word and something I hate. I've been in and out of it over time; last time was last year at Uni (something I'd expected would happen). Given the depression at college, I took anti-depressants last year, and then stopped taking them (parental and personal pressure, I guess). Perhaps I'm depressed again as a result, and if so, I'm sick of it.

Most people would probably agree that I should go see a counseller or something, to at least try and sort things out. But when you've been through it time and again, and every time you think you're out of it, when you're just setting yourself up for another fall, there seems to be no point in getting help. Added to that the fact that there's no friends to provide any support, suddenly the world seems a lonely place.

Also, I doubt I would talk about half of the things I've just said. I tend to cover everything up and pretend to be happy. I doubt I can even talk to anyone I remotely know about it, because of the fear of scaring off more people with my problems. I once believed that I could leave my life behind when I came to Uni - and it partly worked. But every day for the last year, I've felt myself slip back into my old self. And finally, I've admitted that I've got nowhere in the last few years of my life.

I appriciate I'm not the only person who feels shit in this world, but I never used to be a bad person. I always used to listen to people and help them. I always used to be there for my friends. I always tried my hardest to achieve my aims. Now I have nothing, and perhaps I deserve it, for whatever reason.

But don't worry; I'm not going to "do anything silly" like kill myself. Just sit here and suffer in silence, instead :)

Thanks for your time,

Mac.

Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member The Mix Honorary Guru Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    From now on why don't you keep a diary of how you are feeling that day and take that along to your counsellor.

    I think you should get to your doc and asked to be referred to a mental health professional - before you do do anything "silly".

    They might be able to help the depression and in turn help all the other problems you are having re uni and friends.

    Take Care

    Paul a.k.a. Panthro :)
  • Former MemberFormer Member The Mix Honorary Guru Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    i can see where you're coming from and i've felt like you for a while there...you could go to a doctor but thing is you need to find a balance between your career and, percieved goals and your true self, just look in the mirror and say "who am i, whats the real me", then you'l find all the real friends you need and not fake friends you think you want....just relax and everythng will fall into place...
  • Former MemberFormer Member The Mix Honorary Guru Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Sounds like you need a buzz. You thrive on a thrill:
    The buzz of holding people's attention, the thrill of surprising people. The thrill of a gambler's hope, the buzz of a gambler's 'potential' loss.
    But a buzz is always followed by a low, you know that. The need for a buzz & inability to sleep suggests you have too much energy and too much spare time. Know of another way to use your energy and feel good at the same time? You must do.
    It also sounds like you're a very talented person. Don't hate yourself for lying. You've got a creative imagination! And creative imaginations are always entertaining.
    It also sounds like your motivation has been sapped by your gambling.
    The thing with gambling is you're never actually going to win because of greed but you are supposed to have a little fun along the way. When the fun's gone you've got to stop. So stop.
    Make a bet with yourself. Bet your self that you can achieve something different. Use your creative imagination! Maybe you could bet yourself that within one year you'll save up whatever it was you lost or that you can give up smoking or whatever? I don't know. Just something ordinary not something like "I'm going to be the first trip-hop DJ QC Live on the Web!"
    There's nothing wrong with reality. Yes, it can be mundane but you don't need to cover it up. Set yourself your goal and reality will assist you. Reality will feel good if you achieve it.
    I'm no medical expert but IMO a human being shouldn't need anti-depressants unless there's a chemical imbalance in the brain. You're studying law and have your skills so I think you're ok on that level. It's a cliche but laughter really is the best medicine. And a dose of achievement too.
    Friends? Family are your best friends. Work on enjoying your time with them or not letting them down. Or letting them down gently. They'll always be the only friends you ever really need.
    Everyday friends? Well you've answered that one yourself. Sounds like you have issues with things like self-confidence, self-perception, humility, arrogance, the need to impress, the desire for acceptance and all that jazz. I think that's a cocktail that will balance itself with experience and over time. Right now be honest with yourself, accept yourself (warts and all), like yourself, humour yourself, trust and believe in yourself. I'm sure people will warm to you eventually.
    Feeling alone? If you're happy with yourself being alone shouldn't be a problem.
    Need company? Work on yourself first or you could end up in the wrong company just for the need to mix with others.
    I think you're smart enough to know all the right answers, you're probably in just too much of a hurry to get to wherever it is you believe you should be at.
    But you're, what, 19? You've got bags of time. Believe me. So start using some of it instead of killing it. You wont be sorry.
    P.S. Ignore my signature. It's meant to be ironic.
  • Former MemberFormer Member The Mix Honorary Guru Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Apologies for not replying before.

    Many thanks for your responses. Sadly, things just seem to be getting worse, but it's pretty much my fault so I musn't grumble.

    Mac.
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