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Low confidence..advice?
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
Sorry for yet another post of similar content to others on here... I'm just desperate to get some advice that I can work on myself. Anyway, i'll start at the beginning (sorry it's so long).
A couple of years ago before I started sixth form, I sort of just 'fucked up'..felt awful, became withdrawn, couldn't face the days, ended up sleeping throughout the day and waking up in the evening and staying up till the morning so I didn't have to face anybody. I ended up not going out the house for 6 weeks, ignored all my firends calls so they all ended giving up on me. My family didn't really say a lot, (we're not the type that know or talk about each others problems, (but do get on) and anyway I just put it down to being a teenager. Anyway I forced myself to go to sixth form. It was so diffiuclt, having to pretend I was fine, it was just a horrible time.
The thing is, I haven't seemd to pass through what I thought was a teenage depressive phase. I finsihed sixth form with good A levels, but hated every minute of it. I hardly socialised and therefore lost most of my friends. More than two years later (i'm on a year out) I still feel as bad, yet its seemed to become my normal state now, my normal feeling. Every spare thought is taken up by how bad I feel about myself, and what others are thinking of me. I despise the way I look, I hate my personality- I can't make conversation, I have no people skills, i'm so shy. I often spend the week without going out the house, although it doesn't make me feel great, I feel even worse if I go out. People just seem to make me feel bad, myself makes me feel bad, I just constantly feel so incapable of doing anything. Its fucked up the last 2 years of my life. I've lost out on so much. I struggle just going out of my house, to the shop or supermarket, I can't use the phone- I get too scared, its just so frustrating having to pretend everythings fine when i'm crying myself to sleep at night or wishing i wasn't here. I would just try and ignore it if it was a few months feeling like this, but years? My family and the few friends I have just think i'm really lazy, especially because I haven't got a job and i've spent the last 4 months doing absalutely nothing, and i've just got to agree with it.
Recently(ish) I've done things that I've wanted to do since I was young, like this voluntary thing abroad I did in the summer, and a dance event I went to at the weekend, and looking back on them I will say they were amazing and everything to people, yet whilst I was there I just couldn't enjoy it just because of how I felt.
I don't think I can cope with this for much longer. I told people all my plans about wanting to travel, yet I know none of that is going to happen. My unis sorted out for next year yet I can't even think about how the fuck i'm going to cope with that right now. I've lost out on so much. I've got no passions, no talents. Nobody, not even my family know the real me, nobody.
I don't understand why I feel so sorry for myself, I've got a good education, a good family, a good house. I've got no excuse to be feeling like this especially considering whats going on in the rest of the world. I hate the whole thing with depression and such and the amount of people who seem to have it here in the west, yet i seem to be just another one of those people complaining about life. But I just can't help it. I should feel lucky for what i've got but I can honestly say i'd really rather not be here.
I guess i'm basically just looking for advice (no doctors or councillors or anything...self help type stuff), or people who can relate, just anything to make me feel more slightly normal. Is there anything realistic I can do, things to get my confidence up? Any replies really will be appreciated, sorry for it being such a long read.
A couple of years ago before I started sixth form, I sort of just 'fucked up'..felt awful, became withdrawn, couldn't face the days, ended up sleeping throughout the day and waking up in the evening and staying up till the morning so I didn't have to face anybody. I ended up not going out the house for 6 weeks, ignored all my firends calls so they all ended giving up on me. My family didn't really say a lot, (we're not the type that know or talk about each others problems, (but do get on) and anyway I just put it down to being a teenager. Anyway I forced myself to go to sixth form. It was so diffiuclt, having to pretend I was fine, it was just a horrible time.
The thing is, I haven't seemd to pass through what I thought was a teenage depressive phase. I finsihed sixth form with good A levels, but hated every minute of it. I hardly socialised and therefore lost most of my friends. More than two years later (i'm on a year out) I still feel as bad, yet its seemed to become my normal state now, my normal feeling. Every spare thought is taken up by how bad I feel about myself, and what others are thinking of me. I despise the way I look, I hate my personality- I can't make conversation, I have no people skills, i'm so shy. I often spend the week without going out the house, although it doesn't make me feel great, I feel even worse if I go out. People just seem to make me feel bad, myself makes me feel bad, I just constantly feel so incapable of doing anything. Its fucked up the last 2 years of my life. I've lost out on so much. I struggle just going out of my house, to the shop or supermarket, I can't use the phone- I get too scared, its just so frustrating having to pretend everythings fine when i'm crying myself to sleep at night or wishing i wasn't here. I would just try and ignore it if it was a few months feeling like this, but years? My family and the few friends I have just think i'm really lazy, especially because I haven't got a job and i've spent the last 4 months doing absalutely nothing, and i've just got to agree with it.
Recently(ish) I've done things that I've wanted to do since I was young, like this voluntary thing abroad I did in the summer, and a dance event I went to at the weekend, and looking back on them I will say they were amazing and everything to people, yet whilst I was there I just couldn't enjoy it just because of how I felt.
I don't think I can cope with this for much longer. I told people all my plans about wanting to travel, yet I know none of that is going to happen. My unis sorted out for next year yet I can't even think about how the fuck i'm going to cope with that right now. I've lost out on so much. I've got no passions, no talents. Nobody, not even my family know the real me, nobody.
I don't understand why I feel so sorry for myself, I've got a good education, a good family, a good house. I've got no excuse to be feeling like this especially considering whats going on in the rest of the world. I hate the whole thing with depression and such and the amount of people who seem to have it here in the west, yet i seem to be just another one of those people complaining about life. But I just can't help it. I should feel lucky for what i've got but I can honestly say i'd really rather not be here.
I guess i'm basically just looking for advice (no doctors or councillors or anything...self help type stuff), or people who can relate, just anything to make me feel more slightly normal. Is there anything realistic I can do, things to get my confidence up? Any replies really will be appreciated, sorry for it being such a long read.
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Comments
You may find these two articles from theSite helpful.
Have you thought about getting a job or doing regular voluntary work that would get you out of the house and give you some motivation?
Not everyone is a 'people person'. You shouldn't make yourself feel bad if you just don't fancy socialising. Having said that, if you miss your friends and want to meet new people, why not make the effort to get in touch, and maybe find hobby that you could meet people through.
Big hugs to you, it sounds like you need them.
I don't think that what you're describing is that unusual - although as you say, it carrying on for so long probably is. You've given us loads of detail about how you're feeling and gone through a lot of time in your life and then come to the end and said you don't want help from doctors, only 'self help'. Well, there are lots of ways you could help yourself - but it seems you have tried some of them already.
For example, the volunteering placement is a brilliant way of boosting your self esteem - the fact that you still felt low after that makes me think you really should seek some help from your doctor about this. Much as I would normally say to try other avenues before going to the GP it seems that you already have and they aren't working. Something tells me you are hiding from the reality a bit here?
If you really don't want to go to your GP then you could try one of the excellent organisations who provide support and advice on the telephone - you have kept your feelings bottled up for so long now that just talking about them to someone anonymous could make you feel like a massive weight has been lifted from your shoulders.
Here are a couple you could try:
SupportLine
Offers confidential and emotional support on the telephone for children, young adults and adults
020 8554 9004
www.supportline.org.uk
Careline
Telephone counselling service for children, young people and adults on any issue, including relationships, depression, mental health, child abuse, bullying, rape and sexual assault, domestic violence, addictions, stress etc.
Telephone: 020 8875 0500
www.careline.org.uk
Aside from this, well done for opening up here and try and stick around - lots of users have been through similar things and could really help you through this.
Take care
although I'm feeling like I'm making very slow progress I still get very down about it. The thought of using the phone scares me shitless, same with making conversation. It's strange because a lot of people will understand and will try to make you at ease...but there are some conversations with people that are just so cringeworthy and it's a huge sigh of relief when one of you leave the room.
I can relate to you saying about 'the real me'. Only a very close couple of my friends know the real me. I feel like I can never be totally relaxed and I'd love to walk into lessons at uni one day and be totally relaxed, walk up up to random people and ask they're getting on with their work etc.
I don't know what I'd suggest...because I think getting over shness and low self esteem is all about experience and not drugs...or alcohol. It's so tempting to go to a doctor but I just don't feel like a couple of drugs a day will make a life changing experience. But it's good that you're doing things to get out of the house...especially with voluntary work. I guess it's just about
taking things one step at a time. Just don't beat yourself down about it, just try and keep that chin up
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On a side note I often visit this forum...I don't know wether it'll help or not but it was comforting for me to know that I was not the only person going through this. http://www.learningattic.com/forum/phpBB2/index.php
hypnotherapy works!
I can personally relate to ytour problem, i have always been low on confidence but the way i overcome tat was to start egtting involved in things, I joined my local group of St. John Ambulance, 14 months ago and havent looked back since. Ive gone from being shy and unconfident to being a cadet sergeant and just passed my Cadet Leader Course, i know take Lessons and stand up make speeches and lead others around em. I also enjoy canoeing,w hich is a great way to make friends and have some fun. The best thing for you to do.. is take the oppurtunities that come to you. If you do not want to seek medical help then this is my self help suggestions:
1) Join a local group -
St John Ambulance- England - www.sja.org.uk
Wales - www.stjohnwales.co.uk
Canoeing
Cycling - www.ctc.org.uk
There is a number of things you acn get involved in. Like you mentioned this volunteering abroad: go on it and have some fun and socialise.
Hope this Helps
Peter
I've always had fairly low confidence/self esteem but while I was at uni I changed a lot, people saw the 'real me' as it were. Instead of seeing me as the shy, quiet bloke they saw me as the chirpy fun person I love being. Going from seeing a lot of people everyday to the opposite has messed me up, I now also hate having to see or speak to people, always afraid of what they might think of me.
To be honest I dont know what the answer is, so far I've combatted loneliness and boredom by either smoking or drinking myself into a happy state, which isn't really advisable (unless you have a liver made of steel and lots of money!).
I feel like I'm in a vicious circle- I'm too lazy & unmotivated to go out and do anything so I stay in, resulting in me getting really bored and miserable.