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Combatting jealousy

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
My boyfriend and I are at unis about 200 miles apart, and from January this year until the summer we had a 6 month split, after being together for a year and a half. We're really happily back together now and things are going great, but during those 6 months we both had a few things with other people. We've done the whole 'trip to the clinic' thing so that's not an issue here.

Thing is, all my 'flings' were kind of random - only one of them I actually slept with, and the rest were mainly random snogging or a bit more, but not sex, and I'm not really friends with any of them now. But all the girls he was with, he's still friends with or sees them when out with friends and stuff. We were in bed on his birthday and he got a text from a girl I know he slept with, saying 'happy birthday' and it just made me feel sick.

I know it's all in my head, and he'd never cheat on me, but it makes me so upset that they get to spend time with my boyfriend when I'm all the way up here, and that when I come down they're probably thinking 'silly cow, we've all fooled around with her boyfriend'.

How the hell are you supposed to stop these kind of irrational thoughts?

Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    the best way to stop jealousy like that, is not to have an open relationship in the first place. You both had flings, his werent worse than yours. Thats just the chance you took. I hope it hasnt damaged your relationship irreparably.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    It wasn't an open relationship. We split up completely. Now we're back together. When we split up, we had no intention of getting back together again. It just happened after being apart for a while and realising we wanted to get back together when we got home for the summer. It was most definitely not an open relationship where we decided we'd quite like to shag some randoms.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    The only real way to look at it is you did it to and you did sleep with someone so you can hardly complain as he probably feels the same.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    You just have to accept and move on basically. Sure he's still in contact with them...but at the same time...they were 'sooooooooo good'...that he's back with you...if you catch my drift....! If these had really meant something to him, then surely he'd be on their tails, but he's not. He wanted to get back with you...and he's yours now and that's what matters!

    Malt Munk xxx :D
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Originally posted by Bomberman444
    The only real way to look at it is you did it to and you did sleep with someone so you can hardly complain as he probably feels the same.

    I know, that's why it's irrational. Except I'm not friends with anyone I had anything with. I'm not complaining, it's fine that he did it because he was single and having fun. I just want to know how to stop myself feeling jealous.

    Malteser - yeah you're right, I do sometimes feel good about it cos I know that he had his chance with other people and he still wanted me after all that.

    Meh. I'll get over it I guess.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Re: Combatting jealousy
    Originally posted by lisa simpson's saxophone

    How the hell are you supposed to stop these kind of irrational thoughts?

    you can't, it's your mind fucking with you, thats why i never get involved in relationships, too young to do that shit, pointless going out with someone unless you truly truly love the perosn and in that case you would trust them.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Originally posted by lisa simpson's saxophone
    It wasn't an open relationship. ...It was most definitely not an open relationship where we decided we'd quite like to shag some randoms.
    I think rainbow brite meant an open relationship as in being open and honest with your partner about your feelings. Have you actually talked to him about your feelings?

    Like others have said, he's chosen to be with you. It's normal to have feelings of jealousy if your partner spends time with others instead of with you, but in that case you should discuss it rather than worry about what he's thinking.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Re: Re: Combatting jealousy
    Originally posted by turlough
    pointless going out with someone unless you truly truly love the perosn and in that case you would trust them.

    But you cant truly truly llove someone with out going out with them in the first place.....catch 22 me thinks.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Kentish: I don't think she can have meant that, because she said I should 'not have an open relationship in the first place' which wouldn't make much sense if she meant 'open' in the sense of 'open and honest'. In any case, I HAVE talked to him and he's reassured me and said he feels the same way, so it's not a case of bad communication. I can tell him anything, but this is in my head and I don't know how to sort it out.

    I do truly truly love my boyfriend, turlough, and I trust him. It's not that I think anything's going to happen now, it's the fact that something HAS happened with these girls before and the thought of that makes me sick. It is indeed my mind 'fucking with me' and I just wish I could make it stop!

    Is this really so hard to understand? Am I the only person who would get upset thinking about girls their boyfriend had slept with when they were broken up?

    Like I keep saying, I know it's irrational! I just want to be able to flick a switch and make the nasty feeling go away, but no matter how many times I tell myself 'it's all in the past' and 'I know he loves me', the feeling still comes back sometimes.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I find partners of mine's ex's painful too
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Originally posted by Bomberman444
    I find partners of mine's ex's painful too

    Why? If you're happy in a relationship, you shouldnt have to worry about exes at all! Lisa - this applies to you too!! He chose you, not them, so you must be special to him! all it means is that maybe he got to know them after he did stuff with them+found they are good friendship material, if u know what i mean.
    Try not to worry, and if you keep getting paranoid, maybe speak to your b.f+get reassurance!
    SBG
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Originally posted by lisa simpson's saxophone
    Kentish: I don't think she can have meant that, because she said I should 'not have an open relationship in the first place' which wouldn't make much sense if she meant 'open' in the sense of 'open and honest'. In any case, I HAVE talked to him and he's reassured me and said he feels the same way, so it's not a case of bad communication. I can tell him anything, but this is in my head and I don't know how to sort it out.

    I do truly truly love my boyfriend, turlough, and I trust him. It's not that I think anything's going to happen now, it's the fact that something HAS happened with these girls before and the thought of that makes me sick. It is indeed my mind 'fucking with me' and I just wish I could make it stop!

    Is this really so hard to understand? Am I the only person who would get upset thinking about girls their boyfriend had slept with when they were broken up?

    Like I keep saying, I know it's irrational! I just want to be able to flick a switch and make the nasty feeling go away, but no matter how many times I tell myself 'it's all in the past' and 'I know he loves me', the feeling still comes back sometimes.
    Youre right, I had misread the original post.
    I dont think you are the only girl whod be upset by your partners exes. Ive never even met my partners ex who he lived with for 5 years, but I did used to feel insecure about her at first.
    I dont think anyone can make you feel secure just by saying stuff on here. It has to be something you really feel inside, but you were on a break, he was entitled to sleep with other people, and so were you, and you both did. You mustnt let yourself dwell on it though because it will only do your head in, and it wont solve anything.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Originally posted by rainbow brite
    Youre right, I had misread the original post.
    And I misread yours :o

    :)

    lss, if you're communicating OK and he knows how you feel then I think you will eventually learn to deal with the feelings. It's hardly an unnatural feeling. You just need to convince yourself that he wants to be with you and not them (although that is easier said than done maybe).
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Originally posted by rainbow brite
    You mustnt let yourself dwell on it though because it will only do your head in, and it wont solve anything.
    Originally posted by Kentish
    You just need to convince yourself that he wants to be with you and not them (although that is easier said than done maybe).

    Thanks guys :) I know that's what I need to do. Most of the time I'm fine and don't think about it, but it just comes back when I'm feeling low. When I posted the original post, I was stuck at home revising while he was out at an event organised by one of these girls, and I couldn't help feeling really, really shitty about it. But yeah, I know he wants me really so poor them and lucky me!
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