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Combatting jealousy
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
My boyfriend and I are at unis about 200 miles apart, and from January this year until the summer we had a 6 month split, after being together for a year and a half. We're really happily back together now and things are going great, but during those 6 months we both had a few things with other people. We've done the whole 'trip to the clinic' thing so that's not an issue here.
Thing is, all my 'flings' were kind of random - only one of them I actually slept with, and the rest were mainly random snogging or a bit more, but not sex, and I'm not really friends with any of them now. But all the girls he was with, he's still friends with or sees them when out with friends and stuff. We were in bed on his birthday and he got a text from a girl I know he slept with, saying 'happy birthday' and it just made me feel sick.
I know it's all in my head, and he'd never cheat on me, but it makes me so upset that they get to spend time with my boyfriend when I'm all the way up here, and that when I come down they're probably thinking 'silly cow, we've all fooled around with her boyfriend'.
How the hell are you supposed to stop these kind of irrational thoughts?
Thing is, all my 'flings' were kind of random - only one of them I actually slept with, and the rest were mainly random snogging or a bit more, but not sex, and I'm not really friends with any of them now. But all the girls he was with, he's still friends with or sees them when out with friends and stuff. We were in bed on his birthday and he got a text from a girl I know he slept with, saying 'happy birthday' and it just made me feel sick.
I know it's all in my head, and he'd never cheat on me, but it makes me so upset that they get to spend time with my boyfriend when I'm all the way up here, and that when I come down they're probably thinking 'silly cow, we've all fooled around with her boyfriend'.
How the hell are you supposed to stop these kind of irrational thoughts?
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Comments
Malt Munk xxx
I know, that's why it's irrational. Except I'm not friends with anyone I had anything with. I'm not complaining, it's fine that he did it because he was single and having fun. I just want to know how to stop myself feeling jealous.
Malteser - yeah you're right, I do sometimes feel good about it cos I know that he had his chance with other people and he still wanted me after all that.
Meh. I'll get over it I guess.
you can't, it's your mind fucking with you, thats why i never get involved in relationships, too young to do that shit, pointless going out with someone unless you truly truly love the perosn and in that case you would trust them.
Like others have said, he's chosen to be with you. It's normal to have feelings of jealousy if your partner spends time with others instead of with you, but in that case you should discuss it rather than worry about what he's thinking.
But you cant truly truly llove someone with out going out with them in the first place.....catch 22 me thinks.
I do truly truly love my boyfriend, turlough, and I trust him. It's not that I think anything's going to happen now, it's the fact that something HAS happened with these girls before and the thought of that makes me sick. It is indeed my mind 'fucking with me' and I just wish I could make it stop!
Is this really so hard to understand? Am I the only person who would get upset thinking about girls their boyfriend had slept with when they were broken up?
Like I keep saying, I know it's irrational! I just want to be able to flick a switch and make the nasty feeling go away, but no matter how many times I tell myself 'it's all in the past' and 'I know he loves me', the feeling still comes back sometimes.
Why? If you're happy in a relationship, you shouldnt have to worry about exes at all! Lisa - this applies to you too!! He chose you, not them, so you must be special to him! all it means is that maybe he got to know them after he did stuff with them+found they are good friendship material, if u know what i mean.
Try not to worry, and if you keep getting paranoid, maybe speak to your b.f+get reassurance!
SBG
I dont think you are the only girl whod be upset by your partners exes. Ive never even met my partners ex who he lived with for 5 years, but I did used to feel insecure about her at first.
I dont think anyone can make you feel secure just by saying stuff on here. It has to be something you really feel inside, but you were on a break, he was entitled to sleep with other people, and so were you, and you both did. You mustnt let yourself dwell on it though because it will only do your head in, and it wont solve anything.
lss, if you're communicating OK and he knows how you feel then I think you will eventually learn to deal with the feelings. It's hardly an unnatural feeling. You just need to convince yourself that he wants to be with you and not them (although that is easier said than done maybe).
Thanks guys I know that's what I need to do. Most of the time I'm fine and don't think about it, but it just comes back when I'm feeling low. When I posted the original post, I was stuck at home revising while he was out at an event organised by one of these girls, and I couldn't help feeling really, really shitty about it. But yeah, I know he wants me really so poor them and lucky me!