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Am I being reasonable?

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
Firstly I do love my boyfriend very much and could not stand losing him, however recent events have made our relationship hard to cope with well for me anyway.

I have always been into voluntary work (yes very unpopular and probably worth the bullying!) I have always tried to do as much for others as possible and have enjoyed every minute of it.

Throughout school however I was bullied by a group of girls younger than myself, I was tormented by this group and treated like scum for doing this work it was seen as geeky and scabby!

I never gave up because of this I carried on as that was what I believed in most of all, helping others.

Last October I was sat in my boyfriend’s room when one of the bullies walked in, my boyfriend is a good mate with her. Whilst he was downstairs I attempted out of fear to talk to her, she told me to move of the bed and sat in my place, when he came back up (unaware of what she did to me those years ago) sat next to her I was sat on the computer chair basically I felt very awkward and left, later that night we argued about it, we have argued since and recently it came out that she bullied me.

At first he did not believe me, which made it worse. Then he said that I was inviting her to bully me, however I had no choice in the matter (let them get to me and let the children I help down), or (stay and take it and feel satisfaction that I am helping others!)

We are now left at a situation where he is a mate with her, she hates me and I dislike her. My boyfriend wishes not to be part of this. We have a situation where in front of him she is nice to me yet behind his back she detests me! Even still she is always asking why his nasty girlfriend (me) does not like her and that she does not deserve it and to be quite honest I think my boyfriend feels sorry for her.

This evening he said that he could not see me tomorrow as he was out with her (very well they are mates etc) however recently I heard that this girl had been talking to her other mate about me calling me a bitch, and a cow and saying that I do not let my boyfriend out.

Personally I feel I am being made out to be the evil one, and I know her aim is to split us up and drive a wedge between us, which is working. I am made to sound like the one who is being horrible to her (I admit I do ignore her immature gestures in front of my boyfriend and that I do dislike her) and that I am being unreasonable for worrying about the crap she fills my boyfriends head with!

He explained tonight that the rift is between me and her, and that he is not involved, personally however he is pretty much involved when he takes her side and refuses to accept my reasons.

Am I being unreasonable or selfish? It is tearing me apart thinking that if he was to choose it would not be me and I have done nothing wrong. I feel like shit when he is with her as to me she seems cunning and sly hence the approach from a mate saying that I am a possessive bitch.

I have never once said that I didn’t want him seeing her, just that I don’t like it rammed down my throat and I don’t want a lecture on how I should try to get on. After tonight however I have offered to make the peace with her for my boyfriend’s sake but I really cannot do this I am doing it for him not for me.

I tried to explain in terms that he would understand (if it was reversed and I was out with his bully would he like it, he remained silent!) I have argued with my parents over my boyfriend I do love him very much but being made to feel the only option is to get along with someone who treated me so badly is hell!

Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    It must be really frustrating for you to resist the urge to scream. At the end of the day if you carry on going the way you are then it's going to errupt at some point as it sounds like a complete stalemate situation.
    The only way you can try and keep your cool is by being the mature one in all of this. I realise your blokes trying to keep the peace but he really does sound like he needs to be a bit understanding, although it must be hard for him if he was never bullied to understand how you feel.

    This girl obviously has huge insecurities and by ruining your relationship she's proving to herself that he's still "hers". She's probably convinced herself you're trying to take her mate off her.

    I'm afraid that unless you put your foot down with her and continue letting her mentally bully you that you're going to end up even more miserable. If it was me (who doesn't usually think things through) i'd get her on her own and stand up and fight my corner (not literally you understand). Challenge her and ask her why she seems to be having the problems shes having and how she's not only ruining your life but she's ruining her mates life as well. Tell her you're not going to take anymore shit and that she needs to grow up and get a grip.

    Bullies thrive on their victims fear, so i guess you need to face your fears and stand up to the tart. Failing that email me and i'll come and do it instead, been ages since i last had a proper good barney at someone :)

    Hope you sort it out by the way :)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    No. She's being a total bitch, and he's being a dickhead. You're being perfectly reasonable. Stand your ground on this.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Originally posted by Carolina


    Hope you sort it out by the way :)

    Thanks Carolina

    That’s the thing he has been bullied, he was bullied for years and I would go as far as to say with him it was worse as I at least knew why I was being bullied!

    Thing is I feel like I am being very evil and just unreasonable.

    I feel like I am being a bitch to my boyfriend because I have the thoughts of “why could he be a friend with someone who made my life hell! (may I add I have no problems with any of his mates and feel awful that I should feel like this for her!)

    I also feel like it is my fault or that I am causing the trouble.

    “6 of one half a dozen of another”
    “But she is fine with me”
    “But she needs a mate to talk to”
    “I am her only real mate”
    “You were inviting them to bully you”
    “Cant you just make it easy for me?”
    “You are just being sensitive”
    “She has changed”
    “Have you taken it the wrong way?”

    These things he have said have torn me further apart made me think that I am not sure I am suited to someone with these thought etc.

    It makes me feel that although I am keeping quiet to him I am hurting so much inside and he cannot understand why, he cannot understand the pain or the hurt, but then why should he she is fine with him (all be it that she only ever wants to see him when she has no one else!)
    And the way I see it is that they had each other before I came along and got in the way, so I should leave the same way, least then I am not left with these feelings of fear when she is with him.

    It makes our relationship very difficult when she rings, texts sees him in the street (oh and she is very false nice in front of him hates you behind his back!) I bet she even goes as far as to say how nice I am around him (after all she offered all her old clothes to me via my boyfriend – this upset me as she knows she is thin etc, I am not and the way my boyfriend is I know he prefers a nice skinny girlfriend – in fact I am intrigued as to why he is even with me!). What is so bad is the fact that she wont ring she will prank him, we could be in the middle of ANYTHING film, talking, kissing, cuddling or other ‘coupley’ things and she just PRANKS the phone disturbs us and to be honest I really do not feel like anything after that, its like dragging up the hell I went through.

    Likewise I am sure that if I was a mate with my boyfriends bully and this was reversed I am sure he would be the same, in fact if my phone goes off no matter who it is he gets stroppy!

    And last night I was willing to be friends with her now to be honest I don’t think I want either, the way I feel now I don’t think I want him.
    I just want to feel comfortable not have to worry what little cunning plan she has, or what she is trying to do. (Other has to be something, either she is nice or not and I do not believe my boyfriend when he says that she is trying to be nice to me!)

    I am being unreasonable as it is putting my boyfriend under pressure to please us both and I cannot do that. Maybe there is a bit of jealousy, as well as there friendship seems stronger than our relationship. He seems more interested in being kind to her, accepting her lies and saving their friendship than the way I feel about it, we discuss the problems I have with her and it always seems like I am fobbed off with “its nothing to me I like her and she hates you, you dislike her get over it”

    Likewise I do not want him to lose his mate, as yeah she does treat him with respect, she does like him, they do get on, they seem suited and me on the other hand I just feel wrong. I feel that it is easier for me to lose him and I lose her as well at the same time!
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Originally posted by stargalaxy
    No. She's being a total bitch, and he's being a dickhead. You're being perfectly reasonable. Stand your ground on this.

    it is hard to stand your ground on something you really believe is wrong.

    he is entitled to his mates, and i understand that even if she is a cow :D

    but it really is tearing me apart :(
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    No offense, but this is obviously upsetting you, what's your boyfriend doing just saying he's not a part of it. Of course he's a bloody part of it, if it wasn't for him you wouldn't have to see her at all!!! Tell him you want to talk to him and discuss everything that you've discussed here. He's being quite cruel if he just wants you to put up with her so he can have an easy life - I myself was bullied and if my girlfriend or friends had an issue with another one of my friends because of bullying I'm not just going to stand by and let them sort it out yourself. I had a situation a while ago similar and in the end I just made sure I never saw them both at the same time - they've made up now when my friend saw my new friend wasn't a cow but was actually really nice.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Originally posted by TheShyBoyInTheCorner
    No offense, but this is obviously upsetting you, what's your boyfriend doing just saying he's not a part of it. Of course he's a bloody part of it, if it wasn't for him you wouldn't have to see her at all!!! Tell him you want to talk to him and discuss everything that you've discussed here. He's being quite cruel if he just wants you to put up with her so he can have an easy life - I myself was bullied and if my girlfriend or friends had an issue with another one of my friends because of bullying I'm not just going to stand by and let them sort it out yourself. I had a situation a while ago similar and in the end I just made sure I never saw them both at the same time - they've made up now when my friend saw my new friend wasn't a cow but was actually really nice.

    I am not sure that we could ever be 'friends', i could tolerate her but not ever like her as a mate.

    Likewise my boyfriend would never ever do that for me, he would never get on with someone he hated for me, so it does make me wonder if it is worth the hurt!

    You are right it is upsetting me very much and sooner or later i am just gonna give up on it all, boyfriend and all! :(
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    shyboy it is nice to know what you did in your situation but the thing is he doesnt see her when i am around anyway, he will stop to talk to her in the street, or on the ohone when i am there but not actually see her.

    I dont think the cow would ever allow that anyway, wants her mate to herself! :rolleyes:
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Oh gawd Gemma. You're too nice for your own good really, aren't you?! Reminds me a bit of me when I was younger.

    Well I'll tell you what I think, hope it doesn't offend you. I think he's spineless and I wonder what you're doing with him. To say something like that you were "inviting them to bully you" is bad enough in the first place, but seeing as he's been bullied himself it's beyond belief. He should know better. What the hell is it supposed to mean anyway?

    He's already told you he wants an easy life. He isn't about to do anything about it or stand up for you, is he?

    He's a jellyfish. You deserve more. Really.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Get a dictaphone, get all the evidence you can on her, what she says, what she does etc when ur on your own, then play it to your boyfriend and let him hear for himself. Then walk out and leave him to think it over, make him beg how sorry he is! He shold believe you on this one, he should be on your side.

    Failling that (this is not advisable) i'd get her on her own and give her the biggest smack in her face of her life. I dont like violence and bullying but boy does this girl deserve it! I'd make her nose bleed and i'd rub it in her face! Then i'd leg it, get a good friend to say you were with them and deny all knowledge if the cops get involved.

    The first is the best soloution.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Originally posted by VinylVicky
    Get a dictaphone, get all the evidence you can on her

    Yeah good advice .. collect evidence he can't deny
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Thankyou guys

    In fact i have been told not to listen to any of you after all you are all internet people who know nothing about me, and i should get some proper mates and stop being so jealous and making him guilty rah rah rah!

    Anyway had a huge barmy with him tonight, basically he will not back down its his mate, he likes her very much and i have to put up and sut up or leave.

    I m aparantly making him feel guilty, and that i am just a cow

    i cannot talk to anyone about it as its not allowed, and i have to bottle everything up and risk getting fucking depression yet again!

    Then he wonders why i am always ill, stress is why!
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Here goes, he visted with her, we had a chat all of us, and it seems a lot easier

    Even so, she liked to brag about how she was there first and that she needs him around more than i do. she explained that she was depresed and needed him. Still could not understand the bullying issue, i felt 2 uncomforatble to bring it all up.

    They went down the pub, had a night out she explained that his parents love her, and that she loved him (as a mate) and that they used to go for walks together, meals with parents, cuddles etc.

    After all this i am not sure i can still feel right with him, knowing that what we do together is the same as they used to do as friends

    i dont know it feels strange, also little things like no more proper fags, but rollies to save money he still buys them! i would rather of carried on as before rather than knowing how trong they are!
    :( its like a kick in the teeth andother go to show that they are stronger than us. :(
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    To be Honest you sound too good for him.

    Maybe save yourself the hassle and dump his ass
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Originally posted by DiamondGeezer
    To be Honest you sound too good for him.

    Maybe save yourself the hassle and dump his ass

    But i dont think i am nice, obviously if i was so nice i would not have made it so hard for him.

    I would have accepted her and just let it be

    I do feel like i have replaced her, even the dog prefers her. There is this big history that they have had and to be honest i shouldnt be getting involved BUT after a year it has finally come out i am now 'friendly' with her but not neccessarily happy!

    oh i dont know what i want! :(
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Originally posted by *DEVIL*
    But i dont think i am nice, obviously if i was so nice i would not have made it so hard for him.

    I would have accepted her and just let it be

    That's not being nice, that's being a doormat. Being nice doesn't mean making it easy for people to treat you however the hell they please. You are nice Gemma, TOO damn nice! He on the other hand appears not to be. He sounds very manipulative. Be careful.

    And for the record I agree with DiamondGeezer.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hi Gemma,

    I know you obviously care for the bloke but you really do have to snap out of the "i'm to blame" mentality and stop making excuses for why your boyfriend should be a dickhead. If he knows how it feels to be bullied then he should realise that tact and consideration are needed and not caveman tactics of "oi woman, shut up or put up". I'd guess that he's being led a merry dance down the garden path by her flattery etc. and all i can say is he's weak. As long as she's around and he's wandering round with blinkers on then i really can't see a way of sorting it out for you.
    Tell him to be a man and stop having the wool pulled over his eyes by some insecure bint. Failing that, smack him one, tell him he's a wussy and walk away. :D




    *none of the above is intended as anything more than an observation and is merely what i would do (well it's actually a lot tamer than what i would do) ;)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Well i think that this mate is pretty much in love with your boyfriend, sounds to me like they spend a lot of time together and seems strange that she isnt looking for a boyfriend of her own.

    My advice is simple if it makes you feel awkward and sad being with your boyfriend and this mate, plus after talking with your boyfriend he takes her side. I woul get out now, make him choose between her and you, I dont want to worry you because i dont know your boyfriend and this girl but if my mate was bullying or had bullied my girlfriend it would be her side i would choose as i wouldnt want to be anything to do with some one who could be that evil especially to the person i love.

    Well good luck with what ever you decide i feel very strongly that if you are not happy then its not working and either needs sorting fast or ending, dont let yourself feel like this for months, years it isnt worth it.

    You are a strong person as despite the bullying you carried on what you thought was right so good on you for that and go tell that boyfriend of yours to sort it out :p
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Originally posted by Troublesome20

    but if my mate was bullying or had bullied my girlfriend it would be her side i would choose as i wouldnt want to be anything to do with some one who could be that evil especially to the person i love.

    Bit harsh that :) Some bullies can change you know. I'm not saying it's right but they can change as they get older. Although to agree with you this one doesn't sound like she has.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Considering what you've said about your past with that girl, and the way she still is, I don't think you're being unreasonable. I can see that if she is a long term friend of your b/f that he may not be willing to stop seeing her, but he obviously doesn't see the side of her that you do.
    The dicataphone trick sounds like a good way to catch her out, and prove what she's like, but that may just reflect badly back on you by making you seem a bit nutty in how far you're willing to go to prove a point, and if she's not like that with you every time you're alone together, then it might be hard to catch her out anyway.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Originally posted by Carolina
    Bit harsh that :) Some bullies can change you know. I'm not saying it's right but they can change as they get older. Although to agree with you this one doesn't sound like she has.

    Yeah sorry didnt make my self clear on that one if it was when they were young then yeah fine we all change and grow up but in this case shes still doing it i just wouldnt want to put up with it id be out the door :)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Originally posted by *DEVIL*
    But i dont think i am nice, obviously if i was so nice i would not have made it so hard for him.

    Wrong, being nice does not have to mean you're a pushover, even for people who you're supposed to be especially close to.
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