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my boyfriend lied to me...again

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
I'm new and came here because I'm in a real mess.

I've been going out with my boyfriend for 15months exactly today, heh, last night he went out to the cinema with two mates, and then to a club, he got home at 3am and text me thinking i was asleep saying he'd had a nice evening and would see me the next day. I wasn't asleep as his text woke me up so i replied and tried to start up a conversation, after a couple of texts he said he was knackered and going to bed.

But he didn't, he stayed up for a futher two and a half hours talking to girls on the internet.

We're both 21 and our relationship is pretty serious.
He told me he used to look at porn the average amount before uni but stopped more or less. In feb this year in a casual drunken conversation he let it slip that he'd paid for and viewed live web porn whilst he'd been with me. We nearly broke up over it because i felt as though he had cheated. We managed to get over it and he swore he'd never do it again and i've believed he wouldn't.

Two hours ago i went around to his house and was using his computer whilst he was making tea, i checked his history when i closed a page i needed to get it back and noticed a suspecious looking site....last night after he got home i visited 5 different live web cam sites, although he doesnt seem to have got past the first pages - not logged in or anything. Then i found what seemed to be a chat room version.

I confronted him and he swore that although he went to the sites when drunk he didnt use them...but he did start talking to a couple of girls, apparently not in a rude way.

This is getting very long, but he eventually admitted that after he told me he was tired he stayed up talking online till 5.30am, at this point i was a complete mess and walked out of the house.

I'm in an internet cafe feeling shit because i don't know what to do. I feel pretty strongly about porn, i coul cope if it had been a video clip from kazaa or pictures but the live sessions done exactly "to your taste" make nme feel sick. To me thats not far from having a girl in the room. He knows this and for various reasons i believe he hasnt looked at this stuff since las time, until las night.
Now I'm even more upset by the fac that he may actually have just been talking innocently to strangers all night rather then me. If theres one thing worse then physically cheating its mentally doing it.

Please give me any opinions you can, because im so hurt and confused and couldn't possibly admit to any of my real friends whats happened.

Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Right well my moneys up so i'm gonna have to go home and sot this one out myself.

    Reply if you will, no doubt i'll come back and try to confide in you all again tomorrow.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Okay here's what I think. I think your bloke probably gets horny and drunk and for some reason is not with you but is at home (alone) so he decides to look at some porn for pleasure purposes.

    I think that there's no harm to looking at porn and it's better than him going and having sex with someone else or whatever.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Have to agree with stressedstar.
    I peronally don't have a problem with porn. But if he feels he needs to lie to you , I don't blame you for not being able to trust him. Which you've proved by looking through his history on the computer.

    Good Luck Hun.

    Xxx
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    you snuck on his pc and checked up on him??

    hmmm, it seems neither of you have enough trust in each other, which is where the major flaw in this relationship is unfortunately :(
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Originally posted by Theydon Bois
    you snuck on his pc and checked up on him??

    hmmm, it seems neither of you have enough trust in each other, which is where the major flaw in this relationship is unfortunately :(

    i have to agree, a relationship is based on trust, without trust you got no relationship.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Has your boyfriend ever actually cheated on you with a real live person? If he has then I can understand why you don't trust him, but if you are getting that hung up on him talking to other girls and looking at a bit of pornography, but if he hasn't then I think the problems are in your head not in the relationship.

    So he gets horny and masturbates over porn? So what? If you think that is enough reason to ditch somebody then the problem rests solely with you. Stop being so possessive and so clingy and so paranoid, and get over yourself.

    I'm not surprised he lies to you about using porn- looking at porn is perfectly normal, and it is perfectly normal to do it if you are not there, so he will do it. You make a big issue out of it, so he lies to save the arguments.

    If porn offends you so much then ditch him, but he isn't cheating by looking at a naked girl having sex. Even on a webcam, although live sex shows are pushing the boundaries of what is acceptable in a relationship.

    But yes. In my opinion you are being unreasonably possessive.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I'm surprised he's not finishing you for looking at his history, it's a bit sneaky!

    Like Kermit said, some lads do look at porn. But remember it's you he's with. It's you who he txt when he got in saying he'd had a nice night and would see you the following day.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Well, she did say:
    i checked his history when i closed a page i needed to get it back and noticed a suspecious looking site....

    Personally I wouldn't have a problem with my boyfriend looking at porn, if he did it obsessively and would rather look at porn than look at you then yes that would be a problem, but if he has only done it very occasionally then this seems perfectly natural to me. I myself have looked at porn, not because my boyfriend is lacking anything or because our relationship is flawed but it has just been a kind of spur of the moment thing and it in no way affects our relationship or the way I feel about him.

    I can understand the whole "live" webcam thing being a bit more personal, but at the same time it is effectively like downloading a porn movie - the same things are still going on on screen.

    Perhaps the reason he feels he needs to lie to you about it is because of your reaction and because he doesn't want to upset you. In these circumstances when he has texted you and said he was going to bed, he may have just switched on his computer to check emails before going to sleep and then got a bit carried away - I'm sure we've all done it, when you intend to be online for like 10 minutes and then look at the clock and you've been online for a couple of hours.

    I honestly wouldn't worry about it too much though, if he has always been faithful to you before then it seems like he has quite innocently come home a bit drunk, been "in the mood" and looked at random porn that he could find - it doesn't affect the way he feels about you!
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I wouldn't mind if I were in your position. To be honest I'd just let him get on with it but then I haven't any problems whatsoever with porn. I used to look at dirty websites with my ex all the time!
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    he's probably just been out and got a bit horny, you weren't there so he wanted to relieve himself. Ok, he lied to which isn't on and you will probably not trust whtaever he says about other things niw. He probably thought it was best to say he was off to sleep so he wouldn't be disturbed!

    Would you have prefered him to say "look love, i'm gagging for it, I will text you in a bit whilst I have wank"......

    Sometimes I say i'm off to sleep when i'm not if i just want a bit of time alone.

    One thing is for certain, the more you check up on his every move the more he wll try and hide.

    stressedstar - i think your looking into it a bit too deeply. it was only white lie about looking at porn. In my opinion it doesn't mean their relationship is flawed. Ok Live webcam is a bit much and if my GF was doing similar I wouldn't be happy but looking from the "outside in" so to speak, it's not a major thing to consider the relationship surely if they are both in love?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Just dump him. If he lies to you, he doesn't respect you.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Originally posted by kaptin pikarrrd
    Just dump him. If he lies to you, he doesn't respect you.

    throw quite a 15 month relationship down the toilet just for telling a white lie about looking at a bit of porn? :crazyeyes
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Why not?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    because surely if they have been together that long they quite probably are in love and it doesn't come around that often so over reacting over something like this would be a waste IMO
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    geez, so he looks at porn, big whoop, the guy obviously is a horny bugger and likes that kind of stuff,w hy dont u let him indlge in his pleasures, the fact that he has to lie to u about it obvioulsy means he cares enough not to get caught right? anyway, i think its harmless, and healthy, he needs some sexualy insperation, its not like hes meeting up with the girls on the web cam...

    so yea, i think it sucks that he should lie about it cause, wheres the trust but are u syaing that if he DID tell u he was looking at porn u would be happy about it and let it go on? think of it from his point of view
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I just think it's sooo cute you went to an internet cafe to post this!! ;)

    At the end of the day if you don't trust him for whatever reason then maybe he aint the man for you
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