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Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
Hi there

I'm really confused right now, I guess I'd better give you some background info. Back in December I split up with a guy who was my first. We got together and things moved very fast and were intense (we were practically living together after a month or so) He dumped me saying I got too clingy, my friends say he was hiding something and there is evidence to show that.

Fast forward to now and I'm with a lovely guy, he's kind caring sensitive, loving and lavishes the care and attention on me that my ex stopped lavishing in favour of his computer after about a month. We've been together 6 months now and things are fantastic (I split with my ex after just 4 months). My ex hasn't contacted me for a few months due to his immature reaction to a text I sent him. This didn't bother me at all at first but off late I've been thinking about him more and I don't get why. When I pass his flat (which i do quite often as its on the main route to town) I find myself nosing in as we drive past.

I couldn't sleep last night cos I feel so guilty I love the guy I'm with now I feel happiest when I'm with him. Surely its not fair of me to me to thinking of my ex so much and I'm not sure why I am. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that its his bday tomorrow

sorry for the rant

Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Ah don't go beating yourself up over this. I think it's perfectly natural, especially when things end badly, to find yourself wondering what they're doing and still wanting answers, reasons. It's just human nature to be curious and I'm sure it's just because things ended maybe somewhat prematurely in your mind - I've been dumped before and because you're not prepared for it in the way that the dumper is, it takes a long time to fully get over it.

    They say that as a general rule it should take you half the time you were together, to get over it afterwards. So if you were with this guy for four months, it should take around two months healing time afterwards (again I'll say this isn't an exact thing). However my first thought would be that because you didn't have a lot of time between the break-up and getting together with this new guy (if my maths is right!?) that you didn't have time to heal and get over this properly...and instead just transferred your affections. I'm not at all negating the feelings you have for your current fella, but I think this is probably the reason you're having pangs for the past.

    Would it be possible to speak to your ex platonically? Like just a phone call or impromptu visit? Would it bother your current boyfriend? Because often the best way to get over these things is to confront them head-on...more than likely you'll see/speak to this guy and remember why it ended when it did. Maybe you'll realise you still have some stuff to work out on your own, and take a break. Any multitude of things could happen, but you need to sort it out really. Maybe you could write him a letter?

    I think it's something you need to confront though, because you were so close to your ex so fast, it will have left a huge void in your life. Once you resolve these feelings and curiosities, the foundations of your current relationship will be stronger too, because you'll have nothing to hide and won't feel guilty!

    Obviously it's very possible that you only feel this way because of his birthday, so he's been prominent in your mind...but that said, on the birthdays of my exes I don't think of them...or no more than a passing thought anyway.

    Sorry for this babbling, it's just stream-of-conciousness crap...I hope you sort it, and if you need anymore "advice" or just a rant, feel free to PM me :)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hi,

    from my experience the first boy-/girlfriends are always the hardest to get over. No matter who quit.
    That's all natural, especially when both sides haven't talked things through since breaking up.
    Now usually it's "out of sight out of mind", but since you pass his flat frequently you are forced to remember him and your past relationship.
    So what you could do is clear things up with him (if he's the kind of guy you can talk to seriously). Then you won't be mad at each other anymore and life can go on.

    In my case I really felt the same way as you do for a long time, even after being in a new & great relationship for over a year back then.
    When I met my ex-g/f after this year of virtually not talking we just started off a conversation from small-talk, had a cup of coffee and after that it seemed as if I've lost all the weight on my shoulders that I carried around since breaking up.
    From that day onwards I actually "got over" breaking up with her and didn't need to feel bad about it in my current relationship.

    So, what I'm trying to say here is that first of all those things take loads of time, and then try to clear things up with your ex to not be mad at each other anymore and everything will be fine :)

    I wish you all the best!

    (and sorry for the grammar and the long sentences... ;) )


    [EDIT]...wow, took me so long to write this that briggi actually beat me to it :eek2: [/EDIT]
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    we were getting on again by text and online then he flipped over a text message and hasnt contacted me since. He had his leaving do at work and I was teasing him for being hungover saying 'what happened to Mr I dont drink' and he texted back saying 'I can do what the f**k I like got that' weird guy..........
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Originally posted by RainbowPhoe
    we were getting on again by text and online then he flipped over a text message and hasnt contacted me since. He had his leaving do at work and I was teasing him for being hungover saying 'what happened to Mr I dont drink' and he texted back saying 'I can do what the f**k I like got that' weird guy..........

    He's just being a tetchy arsehole, as men (and all of us) can be sometimes.

    If he hasn't contacted you since it's probably because he thinks you hate his guts. I seriously think you're well shot of him, but when things need sorted they need sorted.

    Have you tried contacting him since? Either online, by text or phone?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    well, maybe it was just a little early to "tease him"?
    especially if you haven't really talked face to face since breaking up.

    [EDIT] it might really be a good idea to contact him though. say that you didn't mean it that way and stuff (if you didn't). text messages always get one in trouble don't they :rolleyes: [/EDIT]
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    yup - you always read into them what you want to read into them
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