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probably wrong forum.. this is long (sorry)
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
Didn't know whether to put in health or drugs, but attribute most of these problems to drugs so here goes...
I have been doing charlie, base and pills (I know I said I was stopping, but fucking failed... twice) for over the past year, most nights of the week.
I think my brain is fucked. I hear voices in my head which I can't control and I can't stand. Some of it is too disturbing for me to listen to, but it's forced upon me. I really don't want to describe it, but I get these recurring scenarios, like dreams, which I get every day and I have no control of. They are too realistic in my head and really disturb me.
My dad went into hospital last week and has been very ill. He's tried to play it down when I speak to him on the phone, but I know I may very well lose him this time (he's been in at least 5 times a year the past few years). The last time I spoke to him properly at home I had a huge arguement over my drug use, and i was drunk and said some things I really wish I hadnt. I don't even know what the fuck this post is about, but I really hate myself and I couldn't live with it anymore. Drugs have fucked with me and I feel I can't connect with people anymore, even my own dad, who I may never see again. I can't fucking stand it and if I lose him I couldn't care less if I went too because I must be such a fucking embarrassment. I no longer have control of my own life, I have no ambition and I don't care if I die tomorrow.
There's nothing really you can reply to this post, but I felt the need to release it somewhere (even if it is on a message board with a load of people I will never meet.) I'm sorry if you have read all of this, as it makes no sense and I probably sound like a fucking cock. I just don't know what to do and it's doing my fucking head in. I can't put it into words. Any thoughts?
I have been doing charlie, base and pills (I know I said I was stopping, but fucking failed... twice) for over the past year, most nights of the week.
I think my brain is fucked. I hear voices in my head which I can't control and I can't stand. Some of it is too disturbing for me to listen to, but it's forced upon me. I really don't want to describe it, but I get these recurring scenarios, like dreams, which I get every day and I have no control of. They are too realistic in my head and really disturb me.
My dad went into hospital last week and has been very ill. He's tried to play it down when I speak to him on the phone, but I know I may very well lose him this time (he's been in at least 5 times a year the past few years). The last time I spoke to him properly at home I had a huge arguement over my drug use, and i was drunk and said some things I really wish I hadnt. I don't even know what the fuck this post is about, but I really hate myself and I couldn't live with it anymore. Drugs have fucked with me and I feel I can't connect with people anymore, even my own dad, who I may never see again. I can't fucking stand it and if I lose him I couldn't care less if I went too because I must be such a fucking embarrassment. I no longer have control of my own life, I have no ambition and I don't care if I die tomorrow.
There's nothing really you can reply to this post, but I felt the need to release it somewhere (even if it is on a message board with a load of people I will never meet.) I'm sorry if you have read all of this, as it makes no sense and I probably sound like a fucking cock. I just don't know what to do and it's doing my fucking head in. I can't put it into words. Any thoughts?
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then ...the voices and stuff ...when i was about 18 i'd been caining it night and day for a couple of years ...mostly speed acid and weed. then i started getting whispering voices inside my head and around the room ...very fucking disturbing.
i had the sense to slow down. out went the acid and the billy for a while. down went the dope account.
i never heard that whispering again.
cut down ...cut it out.
if your old man does die ...your going to feel shit. realy realy shit ...and that could seriously derail you.
for your own sake and your dads ...take a much needed holiday to a place called reality.
all the best ...and keep posting your feelings here ...didn't have the internet to get a response from in my day but i used to write tons of stuff. getting all your shit down on paper ...or in digital ...can be so theraputic.
keep writting.
will be thinking about you.
Then I think you should go and see your GP, talk openly to him/her about the problems you have been having. They will be able to help you. The likelyhood is they will send you for a risk assessment interview, this is with a social worker. Dont worry though, its not scary or anything, its just so they can evaluate clearly the help you need.
If you want to talk to an expert or you want advice on where to maybe get help coming off drugs, Release a nice bunch of people, totally sound. Check them out at www.release.org.uk if you want.
Maybe try doing other things at other times - for example, if you're used to getting home from work on a monday and snorting a line, go to a friend's house or to the park, etc. Try doing different things than you're used to.
If you have a hobby, maybe think about doing that a lot more.
But as others have said, go and see your dad and tell him that you're planning on reviewing it. Keep coming back here and writing down your experiences and feelings, the drugs lot here are probably the best lot i've known.
And if you can manage it, go see your G.P.
All the best,
Duffy
And thanks Doofay, we are a nice lot arent we.
I do really need to find stuff to do, since leaving college all I do is sit at home all day. Both 'jobhunting' missions I've been on so far have ended up down the pub.
The problem is that other stuff just doesn't seem to appeal to me right now, and finding a hobby which can hold my interest will be very difficult. I used to play guitar, but after trying to start playing again recently I just got bored very quickly.
I'm too happy with sleeping till 4pm every day then going out and caining it every night. All of my closest friends are still using heavily with no intention of stopping. I always had this stupid reputation as the idiot who would overdo it, and when I talk to them about quitting they behave like I'm joking.
I'll let you know how I get on. Might try still going out most nights, but just have a few pints and go home early.
But, if you think you can just cut down, then go for it.
i began to believe at one point that i'd never be interested or capable... in lifting a finger to do buggar all except get blotto.
but here i am ...a very differnt kind of man. still having a drink and a smoke and enjoying them more than ever ...don't get me wrong ...i have some great memories of being a bum ...but i learned how to do it propper like.
you can be a stoner and be sane and amazingly productive and sensible ...life is so much more meaningfull/interesting and laid back when you learn how to use as opposed to abuse.
but do ...seriously rethink.
actualy sticking with the people who don't want or need to change ...is very risky. makes it almost impossible to do it differently.
i think i've always been fortunate in that i've always been my own man ...if i made a decision ...it mattered not a jot what freinds etc thought of it ...that did have down sides sometimes as well but ...ultimately it was what made me sucseed.
My best mate as i`ve mentioned before goes through the same thing especially if he starts old habits and smokes pot again....
If you know whats aggrevating (sp) the part of your brain to bring voices on its simple FUCK IT OFF before you completely lose the plot and need to be hospitalised.
You said you could never give up weed, for some reason that is telling me weed could be a major factor in your problems.
Chances are if you went on to have a break down and recovered (sort of) and you still think to yourself you love weed after a while you`d start smoking again then BANG welcome back to hearing voices again, then you`d just wait for the medication your on to straighten your head out again, or if your heads that far gone you just switch to other medication, i seen people do this.
It proves despite some people claiming its harmless cannabis can fuck up some peoples mind and still make them come back for more, even if the consequence means you end up trapped in a cycle of staying clean then binging and losing the plot a bit then going clean then a few smokes to start then all day everyday then you lose the plot again etc.
Dunno if i`ve made a awful lot of sense but ya know.....
If you want to talk more about the voices thing and stuff feel free to PM me because i often listen to my mate about it all so i understand what its all about even though i`ve never gone through it myself.
Ive gone through a few mental health problems myself so i understand how much of a pain in the ass it can be.
Oh yeah as for your dad i`d go visit him, as long as your there in the same room as him it dont matter if "you" feel like you dont connect.
Shows you still care.
I have no ambition in life either, im a free spirit i live day to day but i still sometimes think im wasting my life because of my laid back outlook.
I think i will find it later on, it feels like too much effort right now lol.... The time isn`t right for me to plan and think where my life is going, Even if i become ambitious in my 30s years behind other people i will still think better late then never.
Still feel i need to learn more about myself and who i am which will come with age probably be the same for you.
Things generally come up and sort out for those of us who are a bit smarter than the herd.
I know I can't really do anything to help you get off drugs, but you know I don't do them, and if you ever wanted to hang out with me to take your mind off stuff I don't mind.
To be honest, I can't even begin to understand what you're going through, but if you ever wanna talk about stuff I'm here.
(There you go...some of my thoughts....)
I went to see my dad yesterday and it looks like he's coming home soon, apparently the worst of it has passed but he'll be going back in soon for an op. It'll be easier to talk about it when he's home.
I've been smoking pot for around 4 years, it wasn't until the base and pills that all the dodgy shit started going on upstairs. I don't know what health implications the charlies having, but it has been gradually tightening its grip on me and bleeding me dry.
I went out last night, had a few drinks, and it wasn't that bad. It was made easier by the fact that no one could get hold of anything at all so they were all just drinking as well.
Also started to make sure I'm out of bed by 11, otherwise I end up snoozing till 4 or 5pm.
I am really glad for you that your Dad is improving, sometimes it takes a really significant event like this in your life to make you reassess what you are doing with yourself, and make you actually care again - positives from negatives.
You do sound like you may benefit from someone to speak with about your mental state, so I would suggest you try the link Bong gave, or either The Samaritans for some general advice, or Saneline who's number is 0845 767 8000. It may help put your mind at ease, or put you in touch with a service that can offer you assistance.
Have you ever thought about doing volunteering work to try and keep busy? You can also try a whole lot of things to help you work out what direction you want to go in. I don't know what you are interested in, but you can do one off projects rather than making a committment, the tiem you spend is up to you, and it would give you some work experience, which never goes astray on your CV. Just a thought.
I hope you stay positive, and have a good chat with your Dad.