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Can't cope...

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
Since splitting with my boyfriend of five years a week and a half ago I've been a wreck. I cried for three whole days and since then I've put on a brave face to others - telling them I'm ok and trying to surround myself with friends and family.

Today however has been one of the toughest so far. I called him to chat because he said we would still be friends (we've known one another all our lives) but I could tell he was slightly annoyed I'd called him. He also has me blocked on MSN and is pretending his computer is broken to me so he doesn't have to talk to me.

I'm finding it really hard going from knowing everything about him and being in constant contact to being cut off - I feel so isolated and low. I've got this constant feeling in my stomach and chest and the longest I can forget the pain is five minutes. Every time I remember what has happened the feelings come flooding back.

I've also had some recent health problems that I am going to have to have investigated and he is the only friend I have who knows all about them and I want to talk over my worries with him.

I just want him to let me be his friend but he's shutting me out. Argh, I know this isn't really asking for advice... basically I feel so ill all of the time and I honestly don't think I can go on this way. I feel like someone has cut a limb off or something. I can't go on this way at all.

Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I think if you're feeling this low, and wanting to be his friend it will turn sour. It'll soon turn into becoming more dependent than what you were when you were with him.

    I know this is hard as the past five years echo as to how you feel you much of a connection with him, and this will really come to a head since he's not around.

    However a piece of advice I read from here was from Moonrat - You managed without him before, and you will again.

    You just have to adjust. You really just need to have people around you just now to occupy your mind as loneliness just emphasizes how much you want to think of the past you can't have.

    Personally, your ex is being a wank. Five years and he blocks you from MSN? That's what as ex of around five months would do. He has no respect for your feelings at all, and if he did care about you, he'd know this'd affect your health and would try to make things easier for the pair of you.

    However, having been in the situation where you can't let go and refuse to see sense I know that reading that will just hurt you and make you want to cry twice as hard as you know this yourself.

    I'm sorry but rising above past loves is part of life, and one day you'll vouch for it.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hi - I'm really sorry to hear you are so sad. I split with my boyfriend 3 weeks ago - we own a house together so we're both still living here and its weird. I don't feel single , I don't even really know what I want.

    To be perfectly honest I think he is probably coping with it the way he thinks is best. He probably knows that it's over and doesn't want to give you false hope and thinks that by keeping away from you for a while you'll be able to accept that it is over.

    Did he block you immediately or only after you'd tried to talk to him a few times? Perhaps he just want's to make it clear that friends will only ever mean friends and he doesn't think you are ready yet.

    I'm sure these feelings will pass and you will be able to move on and be friends with him again when the time is right for you both.

    Keep talking to your friends, you have every right not to cope too well at first. You need to speak to people. talk to them about your illness and your feelings.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    i know its not the same when you talk to people on here as it is in real life. but if u ever need someone to talk to about things, send me a pm and i'd love to chat with you.
    im sure loads of other people on here will say the same thing, so please dont ever feel alone because there will always be someone around on here who will willing chat with you.

    i know how you feel, and i know how hard it is, but one day in the not to distant future, you will wake up and it will hurt just that little bit less. and you'll know you're getting over him, and you'll realise you CAN live without him

    chin up xx
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Originally posted by 1983
    However a piece of advice I read from here was from Moonrat - You managed without him before, and you will again. You just have to adjust.

    this is true.

    but the thing is, you probably don't even remember what before as like. you've been with this guy your whole adult life, and then suddenly everything you know about him yourself and everything is gone? no wonder you're a wreck. i think anyone would be. you need to ease up on yourself a bit.

    and i'm not gonna pretend that the next few weeks or even months won't be really fucking hard. cause they will. i'm sure you knew that anyway. it will be hard to adjust, and you'll find yourself wondering why you're even bothering.

    but you know, it'll get better. seriously. you WILL get through it. and it'll take time, but you'll find someone else who makes you feel all the same things he did and more. and one day, maybe in a few days or a few weeks or a few months you'll wake up, and you'll think 'i feel ok'. and it's worth waiting for that.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Yep. It's going to be difficult. Personally, I would say that, at this stage, you will not be able to be friends with him. Rightly or wrongly, if you try to maintain the level of communication with him that you had before you broke up, then all that's happening is that you are not accepting the break up at all.

    Of course, this is how many broken up couples get back together, but that doesn't necessarily mean that you should do it.

    You might need to cut him off completely for a short while whilst you adjust to things being over. *then* you can start being friends.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Originally posted by Mist
    if you try to maintain the level of communication with him that you had before you broke up, then all that's happening is that you are not accepting the break up at all.

    :yes: and its so hard to decrease the level of communication to that you would have with a friend.
    i think its easier for a while to have none at all, then once u get used to it like Mist said, try building it up again
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Originally posted by 1983
    Personally, your ex is being a wank. Five years and he blocks you from MSN? That's what as ex of around five months would do. He has no respect for your feelings at all, and if he did care about you, he'd know this'd affect your health and would try to make things easier for the pair of you.
    He blocked me straight away. I only know because he deleted my old email accuont but forgot to block and delete it, so when I log in there he is online but when I'm logged in with my usual account he isn't.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Originally posted by BumbleBee
    He blocked me straight away. I only know because he deleted my old email accuont but forgot to block and delete it, so when I log in there he is online but when I'm logged in with my usual account he isn't.

    That's a coward's way out of coping with a new situation that doesn't work for anyone.

    You're well rid of him. You'll see it someday.

    <3
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Originally posted by 1983
    You're well rid of him. You'll see it someday.

    The thing is, if he would just be my friend and allow me to contact him more than once a week like friends do, then I would be seriously happy with not ever getting back together with him! I just feel like there are things I need to know. I was close with his mum and brother and his cats (sounds silly I know!).

    Thank you all for the advice. Strangely after I posted this message last night he unblocked me and was speaking to me for a little while.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Originally posted by ~*STRESSED*~

    Sorry for this useless post, hope everything goes ok for you, PM me if you wanna chat, xxx
    Nothing anyone has said here has been unless. I think I am beginning to see that what he is doing is trying to cope with the break-up himself.

    The problem was he said he wasn't in love with me anymore, but still loved me as a friend. Perhaps he is beginning to see himself that life without me constantly being around as a source of company could be quite hard. I dunno, obviously just his way of dealing with stuff I suppose. :confused:
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Originally posted by ~*STRESSED*~
    You are your boyfriend were together for 5 years, thats a very long time, its going to be hard for the pair of you as your both used to spending so much time with each other.
    My whole adult life!! I know I've got years and years ahead of me and when I'm older I'll look back and wonder what all the fuss was about, but in my mind I had us married with children and so did he until recently. I think he had a bad year last year and it made things change between us. Maybe one day I can talk to him about all of this instead of trying to guess what happened.

    Thanks.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Originally posted by BumbleBee
    in my mind I had us married with children and so did he until recently. I think he had a bad year last year and it made things change between us. Maybe one day I can talk to him about all of this instead of trying to guess what happened.

    i think you're spot on with that.

    this must all be new and strange to him too, and he's probably just trying to make sense of everything. but push him for answers now and you'll just risk pushing him further and further away.

    what i would do, personally (although i don't mean to tell you what you should do - that's totally up to you), is tell him how you feel, and that you do want to be friends etc, but at the moment it's too raw and you need time on your own.

    after a bit of time you'll both be clearer about what you feel and what you want, and then you can start chatting again and your chats won't be as destructive or as weird.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    That is exactly what happened with my ex of 3 years when we split up. We said we'd be friends but he blocked me on msn and wouldn't answer his fone to me. Like you said it was really hard to suddenly go from speaking to him a few times a day and knowing what he was up to, to not knowing where he was or what he was doing and not even be able to speak to him. However in the long run I found that if you don't speak to someone or see them it is so much easier to get over them. It takes a while and it's not easy but you do get used to them not being there all the time, and not being able to just phone them up whenever you want and you just begin to get on with things on your own. I know it seems scary right now and the thought of coping with things on your own probably seems really hard but you just have to put up with all these low feeling for now and they'll soon pass. Maybe when you're both a bit more used to not being together then you can talk again as friends, but for now it's probably better that you have some time away from each other or you never get the chance to move on properly.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Everyone is advising we don't see one another but we've already met up twice - once to give each other our things back and last week he came to a hospital appointment with me as nobody else would come.

    We've a pub quiz team that we run together on a Tuesday and we decided it would be unfair on the others in the team if we didn't attend, so I'll be seeing him tomorrow.

    Also, all of our friends are mutual! His friend Kieran lives with one of my best friends Jen. My other best friend Joanne is going out with his friend James. I'll see him every time we go out so cutting him out of my life for a while isn't an option - I wish it was though!
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Oh and I'm sorry if it seems like I am refuting advice given - I know it must seem like that. However, I can't expect you all to know the ins and outs of my life can I?

    I just want you people to know that I've never had something as bad happen to me where I've needed to seek advice like this, and you have all helped me so much that I can't stress how grateful I am. :)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Originally posted by BumbleBee
    cutting him out of my life for a while isn't an option - I wish it was though!

    then how about you make a rule that you will only talk about things seperate from your relationship? give it a bit of time for the dust to settle.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Originally posted by kaffrin
    then how about you make a rule that you will only talk about things seperate from your relationship? give it a bit of time for the dust to settle.
    Yeah, I did that last week at the hospital. I think I was just so relieved not to be going through the hospital ordeal on my own! Listen to me pretending a consultation was an ordeal when you're someone who has been through so much more!
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    So why is it such a big deal that you can't talk to him on msn if you still see him anyway?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    What were things like between the two of you when you met up those couple of times?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Originally posted by BumbleBee
    Listen to me pretending a consultation was an ordeal

    it is an ordeal. and everything becomes twice as scary at times like this. i know that feeling. practically having a nervous breakdown every time you burn your toast. it gets better though.

    and it's good that you don't have to go through it on your own. just be careful. and you'll be ok. :)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Originally posted by Faith
    So why is it such a big deal that you can't talk to him on msn if you still see him anyway?
    I don't see him anyway, I've seen him twice, once for 30 minutes and once at the hospital. It is a big deal because he has stuff going on in his life that I want to know about because I've been involved in it, like his great grandmother being in hospital etc.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Originally posted by BumbleBee
    I don't see him anyway, I've seen him twice, once for 30 minutes and once at the hospital. It is a big deal because he has stuff going on in his life that I want to know about because I've been involved in it, like his great grandmother being in hospital etc.

    Sorry it's just you said we're advising you not to see him but you are anyway, so i didn't get what the problem was! Thing is, as harsh as it sounds if he wanted you involved in thing like his nan being in hospital etc he wouldn't have you blocked etc. You just have to accept it and try and move on as hard as it is.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Men eh. My ex was pretty much the same. Told me he still cared about me, still wanted to be friends etc. But if I called him he'd ignore it, get his stupid friends to answer, or be nasty. Think they try to make the break less hard but they don't realise it hurts more like that.

    Try to keep your mind off him. Black Knight gave me some good advice on here ages ago, I'll find the thread if I can. He said to put a rubber band on my wrist and flick it hard every time I had an urge to phone him. So I then associated the urge with pain an gradually I didn't want to.

    You will go through some shit times, all the physical stuff, but it's all a process, like grieving. You have to go through it before things start to get better. And believe me, when you are ready to start going out, you will enjoy it so much. You will feel like a new person. It just takes time. :)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    when you met up, did you kiss, hold hands.. anything like that? or was it just purely friendship, so to speak?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Originally posted by natos
    when you met up, did you kiss, hold hands.. anything like that? or was it just purely friendship, so to speak?
    No we didn't hold hands or kiss. I was at the hospital and we went for coffee then sat in a waiting room. We were just friends although we made a few references to our relationship.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Do you want to be his girlfriend still? Is a part of you hoping you will get back together?

    he may be wary of this!
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Originally posted by byny
    Do you want to be his girlfriend still? Is a part of you hoping you will get back together?

    he may be wary of this!
    He has changed too much, so no, I don't want to be his girlfriend again, I just want him to let me be his friend :(
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