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How many times?!
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
Hi- um, well before I post this up could I say, when you respond, could you not be 'just do this dumbass' about it?! I've had that in the past and I wanted help and all I got was a lot of sarcasm and belittling because I'm 16, and I've been through a lot relationship wise and family since I was 10 so that's why before now just saying 'You're young- get over yourself' didn't help!
Anyway, yes relationship wise, 3 large relationships, the last ones the most personal and amazing, all lasting between 1/2 years! With my second boyfriend, he was violent, abusive, had a lot of problems that he took out on me, and for the first time, I got to a point where I wanted to kill myself and had a few urges to put pointy objects through me, but I resisted thinking, it's a one off, this'll clear up. The most recent relationship ended 6 months ago, it was my first close relationship, I just don't trust men very easily and I shared everything with this guy. During that time, something happened with another girl constantly on his case, really got me down, reached that pointy objects point again and I just did it and found it be an amazing release. Reached that killing point, couldn't stop crying, didn't eat well, lost weight (already quite thin), self confidence and haven't slept well for 6 years, so yeh. All that started to clear up, then we broke up, we're still best mates, but it was terribly painful for me. I stopped eating, stopped sleeping, lost even more weight, wanted to just die and was stabbing my poor arms to shreds. I hid this from my family, I stay in my room a lot. Started to recover more, eating better etc...until recently. I only feel comfortable eating a single meal a day, if I snack I adore fruit so I eat fruit. I became obbsessed with my teeth a little while ago, brushing 7 timeish a day, thats slowly niggling back. I've had work done on my teeth and am very aware of what I eat, the possibility of staining etc...being of an age, my skin plays up and im usually fairly depressed about that although I know somewhere inside that I'm a reasonably attractive girl. The weight is going, the sleep is patchy and I can go days with very little sleep. The only time I've been happy is doing my drama at college and now that's finishing, I'm panicking as to how to fill my time, although I'm considering exercise. I'm fed up of digging myself from depression. I would go to my doctor but last time I went was because I wanted to talk about sex, was 15 and he laughed and cussed me for having underage sex and also brought in bits about my normal life which he used to be a more active part in when I used to play violins with his daughter- so he doesn't make me feel comfortable! My family have no idea- my mum saw my arm and I said, 'I fell on some sandpaper at college, whilst building a set' and that was it. It's frightening me, I have gut instincts that I'm gonna go through life like this and just kill myself because I'm scared of going through it again. Somethings telling me that I cannot die naturally because I'll only feel happily released from life if it's done in a horrendously painful way. I want to help myself but I don't know where to start. I've stopped harming because I could bear the cold weather making my arm too painful to lean on. Advice please. I'm considered so 'normal' and its frightening to think that people will see it as so uncharacteristic of me, and only my ex knows about it all and well, the one person I trust is hard to let go of ya know? Please, advice!
Anyway, yes relationship wise, 3 large relationships, the last ones the most personal and amazing, all lasting between 1/2 years! With my second boyfriend, he was violent, abusive, had a lot of problems that he took out on me, and for the first time, I got to a point where I wanted to kill myself and had a few urges to put pointy objects through me, but I resisted thinking, it's a one off, this'll clear up. The most recent relationship ended 6 months ago, it was my first close relationship, I just don't trust men very easily and I shared everything with this guy. During that time, something happened with another girl constantly on his case, really got me down, reached that pointy objects point again and I just did it and found it be an amazing release. Reached that killing point, couldn't stop crying, didn't eat well, lost weight (already quite thin), self confidence and haven't slept well for 6 years, so yeh. All that started to clear up, then we broke up, we're still best mates, but it was terribly painful for me. I stopped eating, stopped sleeping, lost even more weight, wanted to just die and was stabbing my poor arms to shreds. I hid this from my family, I stay in my room a lot. Started to recover more, eating better etc...until recently. I only feel comfortable eating a single meal a day, if I snack I adore fruit so I eat fruit. I became obbsessed with my teeth a little while ago, brushing 7 timeish a day, thats slowly niggling back. I've had work done on my teeth and am very aware of what I eat, the possibility of staining etc...being of an age, my skin plays up and im usually fairly depressed about that although I know somewhere inside that I'm a reasonably attractive girl. The weight is going, the sleep is patchy and I can go days with very little sleep. The only time I've been happy is doing my drama at college and now that's finishing, I'm panicking as to how to fill my time, although I'm considering exercise. I'm fed up of digging myself from depression. I would go to my doctor but last time I went was because I wanted to talk about sex, was 15 and he laughed and cussed me for having underage sex and also brought in bits about my normal life which he used to be a more active part in when I used to play violins with his daughter- so he doesn't make me feel comfortable! My family have no idea- my mum saw my arm and I said, 'I fell on some sandpaper at college, whilst building a set' and that was it. It's frightening me, I have gut instincts that I'm gonna go through life like this and just kill myself because I'm scared of going through it again. Somethings telling me that I cannot die naturally because I'll only feel happily released from life if it's done in a horrendously painful way. I want to help myself but I don't know where to start. I've stopped harming because I could bear the cold weather making my arm too painful to lean on. Advice please. I'm considered so 'normal' and its frightening to think that people will see it as so uncharacteristic of me, and only my ex knows about it all and well, the one person I trust is hard to let go of ya know? Please, advice!
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Comments
first of all: what I'm posting here is based on my (non-professional) experience from myself & people I've talked to throughout the last couple of years and might be total BS since I don't know you or the exact situation you're in.
so please don't take any offense in this.
so, even if you've already heared it, it is true that during ones teenage years there are lots of (often hormone triggered, emotional) ups and downs which one sometimes takes a little too serious (from MY experience).
now, it seems that you got into all of this through relationship problems with boyfriends (and maybe family as well). so what you could do is take a break from that, especially relationships until you are really sure of your partner-to-be. also it sounds as if your family wouldn't be a problem for you atm, so maybe you could just hang out with them more (even if it's just at the breakfast/lunch/dinner table)
as well, you said that drama group made you happy, so don't be
look for other drama/acting groups in your area and apply there.
excersise is good as well! from my experience team sports are great for self confidence & meeting new people!
also you should definately change your doctor! try to find someone who you don't know from life outside his office. those are often more objective on you and won't bitch about your life.
anyways, as doctors they are supposed to help you in whatever medical situation you are and not judge you! maybe ask around if anyone of your friends know someone that's nice and trustworthy and go there to ask for help.
in the end you're describing quite a good effort after all!
you've stopped harming yourself and eat regularly (even fruit!) plus you are willing to excersise! that's great!
you should definately keep that up!
so I hope this helped a little and I wish you all the best!!!
greetz!
FLX
That was a really brave post to make, it's never easy to open up like this, so feel proud that you've taken that first step.
You've certainly been through a lot, but there's no mention of you ever turning to anyone else or seeking help for your problems. You have taken everything upon yourself and you can't cope alone. Is there anyone close to you that you could try and talk to about this? It's amazing how much support you've got around you without even realising.
Saying this, I do understand how difficult it can be to talk to the people who know you. If you don't feel able to do this just yet, try calling a confidential helpline - they will listen to you without judging and may be able to offer you help about where to turn next, too:
Careline
Telephone counselling service for children, young people and adults on any issue, including relationships, depression, mental health, child abuse, bullying, rape and sexual assault, domestic violence, addictions, stress etc.
Telephone: 020 8875 0500
www.careline.org.uk
Samaritans
Confidential help for anyone who is suicidal or despairing.
Telephone: 08457 909090
www.samaritans.org.uk
Please don't keep trying to shoulder all this alone. Take a read of some of our
self harm content as well - there is lots of links and advice that could help you out.
The last thing I wanted to suggest was, as FLX said, to change your GP. If you have a personal link to your doctor, it is very hard to open up properly. See if there is a nurse at your surgery that you could talk to instead, or try registering with another local doctor if not, either way, you really need to speak to a medical professional who will be able to help you with some of these issues.
Take care of yourself and keep being brave.
Hannah Spanner x
If you don't trust your doctor, go to another one. Either try and see another doctor at your surgery if there is one, or there is quite often drop-in clinics in major towns and cities where you could go.
A doctor should, and will, help you if you go to them and are honest. If you aren't sure what to say try and think of a list of things that are wrong to take with you as an aide memoire; the doctor will ask you questions to try and find out what is wrong, and he or she will probably prescribe you an anti-depressant of some description. The ADs are only really good for short-term mood stabilisation, so they are worth taking but be aware they turn off moods rather than changing them all to "happy" moods.
I have Borderline Personality Disorder so if you want to know owt just send us a PM.
Good luck:)
it's sounds like you are having a pretty ruff time of it at the mo, and i'm noy to sure what to say because i'm kinda going through a ruff time at the moment to but if you wanna talk, just PM me.
as long as you drink plenty of water and try not to eat to many acidic fruits, you should be ok. i only really ever have 1 meal a day at the moment as i have a really bad time with food, because of allergies, and feeling sick with surtain smells and things. try eating rice and veg or chicken and rice if you are finding it hard to eat lots.
try and stay positive, and i know i'm a hypercrit for saying it, because i don't much but if you can find 5 things each day that make you happy you feel much better.
luby