Abortion advice needed for my GF plz

Former Member

Hi

Firstly i'm not sure if this goes in sex, health or what but mods feel free to decide for me.

Ok I am prepared for abuse so here goes. My girlfriend is 1 week and 3 days late from her period and we found out on saturday that she is pregnant. I can't lie, basically she came off the pill for medical reasons we had unprotected sex once and even though i stressed she should take the morning after pill she didnt and well even though it was just the once, once was all it took. So basically after a long discussion we have decided to go the abortion route. I know this is the harshest thing in the world but we are both at the points in our life where we feel that life was just starting for us and having a baby could tear our world apart - money, moving out, jobs...again its not been an easy choice to make.

So i'm just posting a thread because i need some advice, i have read up on lots of posts and websites but theres a couple of things i am missing

1. After the initial appointment with the doctor, whats the timescale until the actual procedure

2. I gather that before 9 weeks she can have a "medical" abortion which involves taking 2 pills. Is this the case all of the time or can they (NHS) decide to give her the "hoover" treatment, because she is terrified of that option

3. This isnt really a question but have other girls in this situation experienced any issues with your GP. My GF went in today and basically the GP was extremly rude to the point my GF cried. He basically made her feel like sh1t. Not only that but her relative has had 2 ectopic pregnancies in the past and my GF has been having really sharp pains on one side of her ovaries for 3 weeks (ectopic maybe?), when she told the doctor he said dont worry about it and brushed her off. I think he is bang out of order for bringing his personal issues into the clinic and putting my GF's health at risk by not examining her properly.

she feels so low at the moment and i feel so helpless for her

Former Member

I don't know any of the answers to the questions you've asked, but it might be worth her seeing if she can see a different GP, just for the sake of reassurance and making her feel better emotionally, given that it'll be a very tough time for her as it is.

it's not fair on her having her doctor upset her really.

Former Member

Its really good that you are helping her deal with this, and made the decision as a couple. Definitely take her to a different clinic. Im with the family planning clinic or something and they have been amaazing. Totally nonjudgemental. Good luck pal. xx

Former Member

i would seriously consider seeing a different doctor, just in case that one tries to hold things up for you.

As for the pills option, dont think its necessarily easier, because from what ive heard it can be harder than the d&C option, as it takes longer and isnt over and done with as quickly.
It sounds like your gf has got an idea in her head of what its going to be like which isnt necessarily true. It might help if she could speak to someone about it.
*go_away* has probably got better advice than me, but i hope it all goes well for you.

Former Member

From what I understand, it should take no longer than 14 days from your initial appointment with your GP to get everything sorted. And whatever your gp's views, you are entitled to impartial, helpful advice. Ask to see a different doctor next time and if I were you- I'd report the one your girlfriend saw last time, although of course this will be the last thing on your mind right now.

As for you- I'm sure you feel helpless right now but you don't know what it will be meaning to her that you haven't just legged it. Just be there for her, take her to appointments if she wants you there, hold her hand, give her a hug. As talia suggested, visiting your local family planning clinic may be a good idea as they tend to be very good and a lot more knowledgeable than gp's in my experience. Best of luck xXx

Former Member

Well done for being a man about this and supporting your girlfriend through this. Good on you mate. Hope it all goes as well as possible for the both of you.

Former Member

I had a comment or two from a doctor when I had an abortion which really upset me, but that was 13 years ago. Shame to see things still havent changed, but then again, it is a subject with a lot of divided views, and even a fairly benign comment, made when someone is feeling so vulnerable and scared anyway, can be extremely hurtful.

Former Member

SuzyCreamcheese wrote: »

and even a fairly benign comment, made when someone is feeling so vulnerable and scared anyway, can be extremely hurtful.

That's what i was thinking, at least that is what i would like to think happened in this case.

No disrespect to your girlfriend as i have no experience in this to speak back upon, but i'd understand that she would be feeling very emotional about the whole situation, and perhaps the doctor trying to ensure that your girlfriend had thought about all the possible options (Which it sounds like she had done) to ensure that he/she was doing their job properly.

It's not a decision that somebody can decide on the flip of a coin (again, not implying that you took it lightly, it's evident from your first post that it's been deeply discussed and thought out)

So whilst perhaps he/she could have been more sympathtic, perhaps if it wasn't such a stressful and emotional situation you could view them as being less judgemental?


Anyway apologies for not being able to offer any help on your actual question, there are some great people on here with all sorts of life experiences and such, i'm in no doubt some one will be along soon to offer you some support and advice

Former Member

Hey

First off, going through an abortion isn't the harshest thing in the world - you're human, you make mistakes, and you have both obviously thought long and hard about this - you don't need to be harder on yourselves. 1 in 3 women in the UK will go through an abortion by the time they are 45, it's much more common than you think, however, not widely talked about.

In answer to your questions:

1) If you're going via the NHS, it depends on the Primary Care Trust. For instance, I work in Ealing, and under Ealing Health Authority, some people wait a couple of weeks between the referal and procedure. In other HA's, that wait might be shorter. It really does vary unfortunately.

2) If your girlfriend is under 9 weeks, then she can have a medical termination providing she doesn't have other medical conditions that contraindicate it (this will be discussed at a hospital/clinic however). One thing I will say is please think carefully about this option. It's not an easy method to go through, despite thinking it's just a case of taking some pills and waiting for bleeding to start.

Even though the pregnancy is very early, she would still have to pass the gestational sac that the embryo is growing in - and because the cervix (entrance to the uterus) is normally so small, the misoprostol (2nd set of tablets) will cause powerful contractions in order to expell the pregnancy. With this, there can be a lot of pain, and a lot of bleeding, so she needs to be in a place where she feels safe and comfortable.

As SCC said, the process can be long and drawn out - she may be bleeding for up to 2 - 3 weeks afterwards, and then would need a check up to ensure that it has worked. About 2% of the time, there is a risk that the pregnancy continues, and she would need surgery anyway.

I'm not saying this to scare you, that's the last thing I'd do, but your girlfriend really needs to make a careful decision if she chooses this route. While the advantage is that she can be at home for the 2nd stage, and it feels like more of a 'natural' process, there are downsides. It's up to her to decide what the benefits and risks are to her.

The surgery can indeed seem like a daunting process, however, under 14 weeks, it takes around 5 - 10 minutes to do. People have assumptions that there's a lot of scary vaccum-like equiptment, but in reality, the suction is very gentle (26mmHg) and there are no large machines - the pregnancy is suctioned into what looks like a very large syringe. There are obviously risks with surgery, such as uterine perforation, bleeding etc, but these risks are very rare (I'm afraid I don't have the stats, but I think the latter is 1 in 10000)

Even if a GP is against abortion, they must refer the woman to someone who isn't. Does your girlfriend know if she has been referred? Make sure you chase this up. Ectopic pregnancy is normally diagnosed by ultrasound, so there's nothing the GP could have done to diagnose it there and then, but they could have referred her to the Early Pregnancy Unit for an internal (trans-vaginal) scan.

Hope this helps, I think you're really good for being so concerned and supportive. Someone close to me had an ex-partner who went through an abortion, and the feeling of helplessness can feel common - but you *are* helping her by being there for her, supporting her and gathering information.

Do be aware that not all sites on the internet support abortion as a choice. The ones I do recommend are

Pregnancy Counselling a UK site which provides information on all options, and offers specialist counselling if your girlfriend needs some extra support. They also list the websites in the UK which are not supportive of abortion.

Pregnancy Options is a safe-space where there is more information and some exercises to work through if you need them.

Hope that helps.

Former Member

do you have to see another doctor anyway? Cause you have to get the go-ahead from 2 doctors. And are doctors actually allowed to state their personal views? Seems incredibly un-professional.

Former Member

Well, on the HSA1 form (where 2 sigs are required) it leaves a part for doctors to cross off saying if they have or haven't seen and examined the patient. If you can afford to pay to go privately, you don't have to see the GP and will have the form signed by the doctors who work in the private clinic, so usually women will only see 1 doctor.

And are doctors actually allowed to state their personal views?

Grey area. Most doctors with contracts to the private abortion providers usually just have a chat with the lady and give her the referral. However, I've heard lots of stories where women have had hassle, and as SCC, even the slightest comment in a stressful situation can be very upsetting. Some GPs don't stop at letting their views known, they try to delay proceedings. A friend of mine was told abortion is illegal after 12 weeks (she was 11 weeks). Another woman had a doctor who kept sending off 'paperwork' and while she was 4 weeks when she found out, she didn't have the procedure until she was 13 plus.

That's why I'd suggest to Goony to make sure that she actually has a referral and knows what the situation is.

Former Member

go_away wrote: »

Hey

the misoprostol (2nd set of tablets) will cause powerful contractions in order to expell the pregnancy. With this, there can be a lot of pain, and a lot of bleeding, so she needs to be in a place where she feels safe and comfortable.

Can you not stay at hospital during those contractions?

I don't see how a young teenager would be able to hide that whilst at home with parents around if not wanting to tell anyone, i know i wouldn't.

Former Member

You can, but in my experience, most people prefer to go home. We don't tend to get young teenagers having medical abortions for the reason you stated, but also, a medical abortion involves up to 3 - 4 separate visits (consultation, 1st tablets, 2nd tablets, aftercare check up) so they tend to go with the surgery, as they would prefer to be asleep and don't need to make so many appointments.

Former Member

Your not guna be judged, if ur not ready then ur just not!
It shouldnt be ectopic after such a small amount of time but never the less she should have been examined.
Your gf is still early on in her pregnancy and the most painless easiest route is the simulated miscarriage which u mentioned.
I myself had the "hoover" abortion and that took about 3/4 weeks from beginning to completion so im not too sure about this alternative but it should be about the same duration.
Hope that helps and dont worry too much like i said if ur not ready, then ur not ready!!
Good luck with it all! x

Former Member

go_away wrote: »

Hey

First off, going through an abortion isn't the harshest thing in the world - you're human, you make mistakes, and you have both obviously thought long and hard about this - you don't need to be harder on yourselves. 1 in 3 women in the UK will go through an abortion by the time they are 45, it's much more common than you think, however, not widely talked about.

In answer to your questions:

1) If you're going via the NHS, it depends on the Primary Care Trust. For instance, I work in Ealing, and under Ealing Health Authority, some people wait a couple of weeks between the referal and procedure. In other HA's, that wait might be shorter. It really does vary unfortunately.

2) If your girlfriend is under 9 weeks, then she can have a medical termination providing she doesn't have other medical conditions that contraindicate it (this will be discussed at a hospital/clinic however). One thing I will say is please think carefully about this option. It's not an easy method to go through, despite thinking it's just a case of taking some pills and waiting for bleeding to start.

Even though the pregnancy is very early, she would still have to pass the gestational sac that the embryo is growing in - and because the cervix (entrance to the uterus) is normally so small, the misoprostol (2nd set of tablets) will cause powerful contractions in order to expell the pregnancy. With this, there can be a lot of pain, and a lot of bleeding, so she needs to be in a place where she feels safe and comfortable.

As SCC said, the process can be long and drawn out - she may be bleeding for up to 2 - 3 weeks afterwards, and then would need a check up to ensure that it has worked. About 2% of the time, there is a risk that the pregnancy continues, and she would need surgery anyway.

I'm not saying this to scare you, that's the last thing I'd do, but your girlfriend really needs to make a careful decision if she chooses this route. While the advantage is that she can be at home for the 2nd stage, and it feels like more of a 'natural' process, there are downsides. It's up to her to decide what the benefits and risks are to her.

The surgery can indeed seem like a daunting process, however, under 14 weeks, it takes around 5 - 10 minutes to do. People have assumptions that there's a lot of scary vaccum-like equiptment, but in reality, the suction is very gentle (26mmHg) and there are no large machines - the pregnancy is suctioned into what looks like a very large syringe. There are obviously risks with surgery, such as uterine perforation, bleeding etc, but these risks are very rare (I'm afraid I don't have the stats, but I think the latter is 1 in 10000)

Even if a GP is against abortion, they must refer the woman to someone who isn't. Does your girlfriend know if she has been referred? Make sure you chase this up. Ectopic pregnancy is normally diagnosed by ultrasound, so there's nothing the GP could have done to diagnose it there and then, but they could have referred her to the Early Pregnancy Unit for an internal (trans-vaginal) scan.

Hope this helps, I think you're really good for being so concerned and supportive. Someone close to me had an ex-partner who went through an abortion, and the feeling of helplessness can feel common - but you *are* helping her by being there for her, supporting her and gathering information.

Do be aware that not all sites on the internet support abortion as a choice. The ones I do recommend are

Pregnancy Counselling a UK site which provides information on all options, and offers specialist counselling if your girlfriend needs some extra support. They also list the websites in the UK which are not supportive of abortion.

Pregnancy Options is a safe-space where there is more information and some exercises to work through if you need them.

Hope that helps.

You are such an asset to these boards, missus :thumb:

I had a medical abortion when I was with my ex and it was no walk in the park, but it's obvious to see why anyone would think taking tablets would be preferable to the other option. Basically she needs to be as well-informed as possible, it's fantastic that you're being so supportive as it really sounds like it's greatly needed... and appreciated.

Some GPs are scum, I would guess that the comment probably wasn't intended to be very harsh and she just took it badly because of her emotional state. But that's by the by, her doctor should know that she is likely to be in a distressed and sensitive state. What an arse.

Former Member

Abortion

As a bloke who's been through this with his girlfriend I can only agree with GO AWAY! Sound advice there and hey theres nothing to be ashamed of, if its not right for you now you're being very responsible and very brave.

I suppose you arenot feeling like it at this moment in time, but I would certainly feel like reporting that twat of a Doctor, what ever his true feelings are he should be professional and act accordingly!! See another more professional one and BEST OF LUCK TO YOU BOTH....The future really is bright!!

Former Member

i had an abortion 3 weeks ago. and i had a sedation and 'the hoover' it was over in 10 minutes and i then slept in the ward for half an hour and was then allowed to go home. i dont remember it and it didnt hurt. afterwards i had cramps for a few days and i bled (sp?) for a week, it was no worse than having a normal period. also i went to the clinic exactly a week aftr seeing my gp.

just be there for your girlfriend, as someone has already said...it'll mean so much to her that you're standing by her!

good luck