If you need urgent support, call 999 or go to your nearest A&E. To contact our Crisis Messenger (open 24/7) text THEMIX to 85258.
Read the community guidelines before posting ✨
Options
Essential support for under 25s
Essential support for under 25s
Take a look around and enjoy reading the discussions. If you'd like to join in, it's really easy to register and then you'll be able to post. If you'd like to learn what this place is all about, head here.
Comments
Phil's ex (the last one to have his baby) phoned me this morning, and apparently he threatened her the same way as he did me - that if she tried to claim child support he'd stop working. I still would have done it anyway, but she didn't.
He did see the baby; took him 3 months but eventually he got into the habit of seeing Shell and the baby about 3 times a week. They'd go to the park, shopping, that kind of thing. Then one day she took the baby round and he started getting ready to go out and ignored the baby; so Michelle left and that was the last Phil saw of his son until last Christmas.
So he has potential (as in; he'll see the baby if he's asked to), but if he doesn't make a proper effort and seem to WANT to see my baby, then he's not going to.
Wouldn't want to put my baby through it.
Had my 12 week scan yesterday, feeling very protective of the little one now!
Yeah i get where your coming from here.
Ahhhh Alasia!
I really really think evenif it's just for a couple of months or whatever but CUT HIM OUT, comepletly, i think deleting his phone number and changing yoursso you have no temptation is even better, for you to start getting over it you really need to help yourself as much as possible.
Forget him, he's not worth it start afresh and concentrate on your baby.
Awww thats great
Good for you
You're going to run a gauntlet of emotions in the coming months I'm sure, even without Phil sticking his unwanted beak in. Just make sure you look after yourself and keep your head held high... if he doesn't want to commit to his child[ren] then it's absolutely his [repeated] loss.
He doesn't need to attend scans and he certainly doesn't need to be at the birth. In your circumstances I think both are unnecessary and I personally wouldn't want him to attend either. If he shows an interest in the baby before it's born don't you think you might mis-read it as interest in you?
Sorry missed this bit a minute ago!
But what sort of father should have to be asked to see their kid, ugh he really is a losebag, i think you're well shot to be honest i really do.
I see your point. He has previous. Duh, keep forgetting that!
Nope. He has no interest in me, I know that. He just texted (I hadn't contacted him) and said "just so you know, I am glad you're pregnant believe it or not" :rolleyes:
I replied, just saying "be involved then. I don't think you will but here's your chance to prove me wrong". Then I asked him not to text me again.
He replied a few mins later saying he wants to meet up sometime to talk things over about the baby, so I sent a final text telling him to let me know when and I'll see if I'm available.
I just can't cut him out completely, it's not in my nature; but then again how many times do you have to get burnt before you learn to stop sticking your head in the fire!
I'll leave the contact up to him for now - I have deleted his number (ages ago) so I only have it when he texts - and I delete every message he's sent right after I've read or replied to it.
Good on you. The ball is in his court now and it's for him to prove himself... time will tell exactly what he proves himself to be, of course. I'm glad you know you have no obligation to him. Your only mistake was to trust the man you love, and believe that he would come through for you in the end... and God knows we all do silly, hopeless things when we're caught up in a relationship. I get the impression you know this already but don't ever feel look back and feel bad that you gave him chance after chance - at least now you know, and it just goes to show what a generous spirit you have and how bloody tolerant you are. Now you can apply that somewhere where it's warranted - bringing up baby
To quote the cerebral genius that is Boyz n the Hood - any fool with a dick can make a baby, but it takes a real man to be a father to his children. And ain't that the truth :thumb:
here we go again! if he texts you, ignore it, he is more than likely fucking with your head!
now ya saying you might meet up with him AGAIN...
Why alasia? why are u thinking of meeting up wth him again? you know what happens, you know how it ends....you know it wont be about the baby, he's had plenty of chances to talk about that
i'm proud that you`ve deleted his number but no contact means no contact, sure he's the one who text you, but he did that because he KNOWS you'll text back and he can work his way back in ur head AGAIN! you didnt NEED to reply, just ignore him!
if you do insist on meeting up, please, please, keep it about the baby, if he starts with the abuse, walk away, you owe him nada
good luck, all this stress will be doing u no good
How do you know she's actually thinking about it? Maybe she said it as a way of making him stop texting her? I know that's what I do when someone says they want to see me and I don't want to see them, I say "I'll see what I'm doing".
I think you're far too quick to condemn her for this. Maybe she's just trying to stay civil so that he doesn't fly off the wall and make things difficult for her? I know she said he didn't show an interest in his last baby, but you can never judge these things, so it's better to be safe than sorry.
*shrug*
ok then, your opinon, but if she's not gonna meet up, she should have said so or not replied, saying she will meet up with him, then not isnt going to keep things civil is it? if anything that'll make him fly off the wall even more
EDIT: also the " i cant cut him out completely" part indicated she was going to meet him/carry on txting him..........
still, its giving him false hope, also, see my edit
oh and i dont think i`m condemming her at all, (alasia i apologise if that's how i'm coming across!x) i'm just trying to see things from her point of view, hence me asking questions
Littleali (and Franki) - to be honest, I would consider meeting him, but it'd have to be on my terms - hence the "I'll see if I'm available" bit.
I'd take my best (male) friend or my mum for support, that way it will definitely be about the baby, and nothing else.
I know I said I can't cut him out completely, but that's because of the baby - I'd feel awful if it gets to 5 or 6, asks why he/she hasn't got a daddy (saying I'm single at the time) and I have to answer, knowing I didn't give the father a chance to be 'dad'. I'm just like that, easily guilted.
If he did see the baby though, it'd be on very strict terms; one step out of line and he's toast. This is the new, hard-as-nails Alasia!
good luck kiddo x
I think condemning wasn't the right word, but I think you ARE being unnecessarily harsh to her in the way you're expressing your questions. Especially since she is obviously now trying really hard to take on board all the advice and to walk away from him.
ETA: Boo at you lot posting before me
without meaning to be "harsh"..thats quite a contradiction...
she isnt trying really hard to walk away, as she has stated that she cant , whether that's because "she doesnt want to" or because "its not in her nature" doesnt make a difference, she isnt going to stop speaking to him/seeing him
in which case she shouldn't keep saying that she's going to cut contact,when she knows full well she wont/cant, as it'll just send him mixed messages, mess with her head, and annoy people (friends, family, sitemembers)
and i dont think i`m being harsh at all, i have never once insulted the girl, maybe i come across that way but it's quite hard to show empathy yet give decent advice over the net without either being too soft or coming across as harsh
i have wished her the best of luck and still do!
Littleali - I see your point, I really do. I haven't been contacting Phil or replying to his texts (apart from the ones I mentioned yesterday), because for now I'm trying to get my own head clear and sorted.
I've kept the texts he's sent me but I won't look at then again for a couple of weeks; hopefully by that time I'll be in a better position to make a decision on what he's saying/asking.
He did send a couple more texts yesterday - saying that he does want to be involved with the baby but apparently it's easier sometimes to say he doesn't, to get a bit of space (when I'm there nagging him, I suppose; which I haven't done in a while).
He also said he was thinking of starting to buy nappies now, that way he'll have a collection by the time the baby comes. I admit I did reply to that text, just to say thanks but I'll be buying that sort of stuff myself. He replied that he wants to buy stuff for the baby because "it's my job" and also asked about names... I'm taking it all with a pinch of salt to be honest. It's easy to say things like that but I'll wait and see if it actually happens.
If he does come through that's great, but I'm not holding my breath
the guys a loser, what a control freak. No wonder he drove you nuts.
stay clear. this is gonna go round and round in circles hunny. tell him to fuck off and you dont need his nappies. what the fuck is the point of buying nappies at 12 weeks pregnant anyway. You dont even know how many of each size youll need for a start,
Youd think with 4 kids hed have more of a clue.... oh yeah, he doesnt see his other kids, just like he wont see yours when it comes down to it.
tell him to fuck off and you might text him when the baby is born if he wants, and if you dont, then you`ll get the CSA to instead.
If he comes through then like I said that's good, but it's up to him to make the effort. I just won't bother replying, he'll get the message eventually.
If he makes an effort now, id say "too little too late" and it would probably be only because youve backed off - therefore him thinking "hmm maybe im not as good as I thought i was" Ive seen that sooo many times with both men and women. They cant bear it when their ex isnt heartbroken anymore and its only then they try and get them back or keep offering little tidbits of hope.
Dont forget, he slept with this other woman. Dont give him ANY MORE chances or youre a fool.
I agree with everything written in this...
The back-pedalling some people go through once they realise they're losing that 'hold' on their ex is quite often spectacular, transparent and approaching twisted.