Morals v relationships

Former Member

Ok, shite title I know... But the thought was there eh?

Just a question, kind of related to the Muslim question... Kind of.

Would you enter a relationship with somebody who had very different moral, religious or spiritual beliefs?

For example, if somebody were profoundly Christian and a bit homophobic, or somebody who disliked Pakistani people, somebody unsympathetic to people on the streets ect

When does one draw the line? If you cannot truelly help who you fall for. And would you ever compromise your own morals or beliefs to be with somebody?

Former Member

i couldnt be with someone who was religious -regardless of what religion it was. i mean i would affect their lifestyle wouldn't it for example like going to church and where they would want to get married. i went out with a guy who was jewish and he actually hid it from me for ages until i found out he had been going to hebrew classes and then i questioned whether for example he would want his baby circumcised and he did. that just made me not want to be with him.
ive had boyfriends who were a bit homophobic or racist and you try to reason with them but as long as they keep their views to themselves i dont really care.

Former Member

lipsy wrote:

i went out with a guy who was jewish and he actually hid it from me for ages until i found out he had been going to hebrew classes and then i questioned whether for example he would want his baby circumcised and he did. that just made me not want to be with him.

i think i'd be more concerned that he felt the need to keep it a secret!

Former Member

lucifer devil wrote:

i think i'd be more concerned that he felt the need to keep it a secret!

i think he just knew my stance on religion!

eta: i always knew he was jewish, i knew his familty etc. i just didnt know he was actually religious and would want to pass it on to his children.

Former Member

I don't think I could do it unless it was never an issue except maybe two times a year or something insignificant like that. Stuff like being homophobic I could deal with if it doesn't go as far as them beating up people for it or attempting to demean them.

Very religious people I don't want to be with.

Former Member

I couldn't be with someone that despised drugs and I couldn't be with someone who supports fox hunting, fur for vanity, basically lack of respect for animals.
I'm sure there are lots more but those 2 things popped in my head.

Former Member

If your broad moral and political beliefs don't match I think it would be very hard to hold a relationship together. I wouldn't be able to, but the odd disagreement makes things more interesting (we have very different views on fox hunting, for instance).

Former Member

VinylVicky wrote:

I couldn't be with someone that despised drugs and I couldn't be with someone who supports fox hunting, fur for vanity, basically lack of respect for animals.
I'm sure there are lots more but those 2 things popped in my head.

im the opposite, imo if someone wants to take drugs thats up to them, i have no problem with it, but i couldnt be with someone who did take drugs.

Former Member

I couldn't be with someone who did drugs or was an excessive drinker. I've had too much of that shit from my immediate family and I wouldn't subject my children to it. I would urge them to give up smoking too. I couldn't go out with someone who was prudish either, as I'm basically a pervert lol.

Former Member

It doesn't bother me in terms of the relationship, stuff I don't agree with I can choose to ignore (which I often did with my ex boyfriend, who is on the opposite end of the scale in terms of politics to me). However, I chose to end that relationship when the subject of children arose, because I would find it incredibly difficult to bring children up in an environment where there was someone with enormously different views on politics/religion. I just can't believe that it would make for a healthy environment to bring children up in where the two people they were looking up to for guidance on morals and behaviour had fundamentally different views. Again, I wouldn't find it so difficult with religion, but my ex's views were bordering on the racist/homophobic/general inequality side, and I just didn't want to expose my children to that.

Former Member

pink_glitter wrote:

im the opposite, imo if someone wants to take drugs thats up to them, i have no problem with it, but i couldnt be with someone who did take drugs.

see i wouldn't mind going out with someone who didn't take them. but if they despised them or wanted me to stop then I would hope they would actually do some research, look at the lifestyles of me and my friends and actually see they aren't the big bad taboo that the media and ignorant people think they are!
I can assure you, if Iwas in a relationship, my drug taking would have no effect on the relationship from my part what so ever!
I've been out with an alcoholic and believe me that is one of the worst things you could do. Recreational drug taking all the way!
Anyway - rant over - back to topic ;0)

Former Member

Kate1 wrote:

It doesn't bother me in terms of the relationship, stuff I don't agree with I can choose to ignore (which I often did with my ex boyfriend, who is on the opposite end of the scale in terms of politics to me). However, I chose to end that relationship when the subject of children arose, because I would find it incredibly difficult to bring children up in an environment where there was someone with enormously different views on politics/religion. I just can't believe that it would make for a healthy environment to bring children up in where the two people they were looking up to for guidance on morals and behaviour had fundamentally different views. Again, I wouldn't find it so difficult with religion, but my ex's views were bordering on the racist/homophobic/general inequality side, and I just didn't want to expose my children to that.

See now I was brought up by my granma and my mum, with very different political views. It was a great opportunity to hear both sides of the argument. But I was always brought up to choose what I believe, listen to everything what's on offer and make my own life views.
I can see the racist/homophobic/general inequality side but my gran is a bit like that but as I said, they were her views and it was my choice. I would still be loved just as much, regardless of my opinions on it.

Former Member

VinylVicky wrote:

See now I was brought up by my granma and my mum, with very different political views. It was a great opportunity to hear both sides of the argument. But I was always brought up to choose what I believe, listen to everything what's on offer and make my own life views.
I can see the racist/homophobic/general inequality side but my gran is a bit like that but as I said, they were her views and it was my choice. I would still be loved just as much, regardless of my opinions on it.

Yeah, I can see where you're coming from. I am so aware that my children are unlikely to end up with the same views as me; there are so many different influences nowadays, that I, as a parent, won't be able to change or affect or live up to, and the chances of my children actually coming out the other side believing the same thing as me is pretty slim. I just wanted to give them the best start though, I guess, with at least both their parents coming from the view that people are generally equal, regardless of sex,race etc etc, which is a very different view to the one my ex boyfriend had...

Former Member

Kate1 wrote:

Yeah, I can see where you're coming from. I am so aware that my children are unlikely to end up with the same views as me; there are so many different influences nowadays, that I, as a parent, won't be able to change or affect or live up to, and the chances of my children actually coming out the other side believing the same thing as me is pretty slim. I just wanted to give them the best start though, I guess, with at least both their parents coming from the view that people are generally equal, regardless of sex,race etc etc, which is a very different view to the one my ex boyfriend had...

yes I do see where you are coming from, I wasn't planned or anything liek that so my mum never chose a partner to have babies with. I knwo if I strongly disagreed on something but was still prepared to have babies with them, I'd have to trust them enough not to force their vies before any hint of a family.

**helen**

V. interesting subject. You might like to look at our voxpop on religion and relationships.

Former Member

I've been brought up in a closed community, everyone is White, everyone is Catholic and that's who we date. I just haven't been exposed to anything else so I don't see myself being with anyone who isn't a White Catholic, maybe Protestants too.

Former Member

If someone had a strong sense of morals that didnt agree with me as such, but I saw something in that person that made me interested enough regardless, I would give it a shot...unless, of course, they tried to impose their sense of morals on me all the time or if it dominated conversation...that would test my patience no doubt.

Former Member

Kermit wrote:

If your broad moral and political beliefs don't match I think it would be very hard to hold a relationship together. I wouldn't be able to, but the odd disagreement makes things more interesting (we have very different views on fox hunting, for instance).

I think Kermit's hit the nail on the head there. The first guy I kissed was die-hard Tory, and I think that alone would have made any kind of relationship with him unsustainable, even if I hadn't found his personality irritating or actually fancied him. My boyfriend's Labour, like me, so we have consensus on most issues, but enough differences to have good debates - I'm a card-carrying member and believe strongly in Labour values, despite being pretty pissed off with a lot of things the government has done, whereas my boyfriend is more of a pragmatist, not as much as a lefty as me, and we have many arguments about education and private- versus state schooling.

ETA: I think I'd find it difficult to be with anyone who was particularly religious (as in regular church- (or whatever) goer), as it would be a whole chunk of their life that I just couldn't share in.

Former Member

i couldnt be with someone who was strongly religious for example an extreme islam person or a devout catholic. my dads family were extremely catholic and as my mum wasnt one she got a hard time from them.
i also remember as i child being taken to church every sunday by daddy and mummy would never come and when we asked why mummy didnt come with daddy and us to the church we never got a straight answer, it all seemed like something was wrong. there was a lot of conflict in our house about religion which made us all feel uneasy as kids,, and then i think to rebel against our dad my 2 sisters and i rebelled against catholocism. and ive decided that i was forced to believe in god from a young age and actually DONT believe in god.

however on the flip side, my ex was catholic and so are HIS family and although he doesnt go to church a lot he said he'd like his kids to be brought up as catholics. although id never really wanted my children to be brought up as catholics i thought about it, and i thought if he really wants that and im not bothered then wouldnt it be fair for him to have his way.

although this is an intellectual and interesting thread with many strong answers, id like to say that i reckon that if you love someone properly then a huge difference in views shouldnt make a difference to how much you love the person, its one of those things that you just accept and work through. and some people are prepared to sacrifice things in order to make it work.
sorry soppy reply there and sorry this is so long!

Former Member

I remember watching something a while ago that said that political opinions don't actually make that much difference in relationships. Wish I could remember what it was. I think you've got to determine between beliefs and actions though. I can be for legalisation of drugs without getting high every weekend. I can be pro-choice without having an abortion. I can be against a hunting ban without having to kill foxes every weekend. I can be for vivisection without working in an animal lab. I think if you actively do something which is against the political beliefs of your partner, then you might find that it doesn't work. Either that, or taking the piss out of them for holding those beliefs.

Former Member

There are certain topics on which I'd absolutely have to have the same views as my signifigant other, or at least that's always been my story. But having sustained a relationship for almost three years with the biggest racist/sexist/homophobic twat ever to walk the earth I can safely say that I have an unwise tendency to overlook these things in the name of "love". I wouldn't have thought I was the only one.

My current partner and I share the most views and opinions ("morals" if you like) that I ever have with a boyfriend. It's nice to feel a kind of moral affinity with someone; but it does mean we have to seek out heated debate with other parties when it would also be nice to have some at home. I wonder if that counts as playing away...

Former Member

With me it would really depend... I am very strong my in (left wing eco) beliefs and I doubt I could go out with somebody who didn't respect them.

Then there's the meat eating issue... I have absolutely NO issue with people eating meat around me, but if somebody tried to ram their tongue down my throat after eating a greasy beefburger it would make me feel rather ill. :yuck:

I couldn't be with somebody intolerant, especially if they were homophobic, but then in my experience homophobic, racist and bigotted people tend to be of lower intelligence anyway.

As for religion, I'd be cool with that, it is far more for me to learn. I think it depends though... I'd be far happier dating somebody with more Eastern beliefs (Buddhist, Taoist, Hindu ect) because they are more similar to my own... But a hardcore Chriatian or Muslim... I don't think we would compliment each other.

Former Member

Not sure about the whole religion thing, it'd totally depend.

I wouldnt be against going out with somebody who didn't agree with me politically (unless they were the type to go on war protests or make human barricades) but so long as they didn't force their opinions down my throat then I'd be easy with it.

Former Member

It depends. I could go out with someone who was religious, provided a) it wasn't a huge part of life, cos it would be a part of their life i couldn't share and b) they didn't try and make me religious as well. I have a form of religion, and i'mhappy with it, people who try and shove their opinions at me drive me mad.
As for the different politics bit, i wouldn't mind because i quite enjoy a healthy debate. I grew up with having every aspect of different politics talked about around the table, and i really enjoy being able to see things from everyone's point of view.