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Gf always feels bad?

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
Hi all,
So, I've been dating this girl for about 14 months... it's been going really good, especially lately, but I'm starting to notice a pattern everytime we are 'physical.'

It seems like the next day, or an hour later or so, she always feels bad about doing it, or saying she only did because I wanted to, and that she doesn't want the relationship to always be physical because we seem to do it all the time. I'd say we do it once or twice a week at most.

Last night she came over, and we made out for about 2 hours, and she calls me today, and says that she feels like a 'hoe' because we spent our entire time doing that, and that she wants to spend time alone together doing non physical things... and then I said how it was nice to not be 'rushed' as we normally are. (We usually only have 30 minutes or so to be physical) So I felt relatively relaxed and enjoyed not being so rushed, but she says that 30 minutes she thinks is even too long, and that she doesn't want to spend the bulk of our time alone together doing 'that'. (I don't see the problem in it sometimes, apparently she does...)

So... I'm getting tired of dealing with this type of thing almost everytime we're 'together', and apparently we have very different thoughts on how long we should be 'physical' at a given time...

So, two questions...

Why does she always do this?

What is the average time for making out, foreplay, etc? (We haven't gone to sex yet)

Am I the one with the skewed physical wants, such as more time, or is it her?

I've told her many times to only do what she wants, but she always does this same process, and it's starting to become a rewindable tape. And it's getting really old...


  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I feel for you Satai, I've been/am there myself.

    Firstly, I can't really explain why she feels/does what she does. I never really been able to find out in my situations.

    Firstly I would say there is nothing wrong with you, it just seems you have a mis-match in how often and how long you want to do things. If it is simply a case of her not having as high a drive as you, then neither of you are bad or wrong, but you do need to come to some compromise otherwise it will do you head in.

    I can't really ask your first quesiton as i've never been in that situation before (as in what she feels).

    I don't think there is an average time, it depends on how you both feel. If things are great and you're both enjoying it then there's no reason why it shouldn't go on for an hour, 2 hours or more. You shouldn't feel bad about wanting to do it for a long time, but then you have to be sensitve to that fact that she seems to prefer it short and sweet. Again you need to find some compromise here, maybe sometimes it's quik, sometimes long.

    With regards to the last comment, this could be because of many things, maybe she's bored and just goes into a routine, maybe she's lacking confidence and doesn't know what else to do, maybe she thinks this is what you want. Best thing to do here is talk to her, but rahter than tell her it's repetitive, tell her what you would like her to do, and what you would like to do for her. Make it positive rather than a dig at how she is.

    I hope this helps.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    are you sure she is as into you as you are her?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    how often do you do other stuff together, like dating her out for dinner or anywhere in a situation which is not going to lead to sex, where you can just chat and have a laugh.

    Maybe she feels shes not getting enough attention, except for during sex.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    How much time do you spend alone together not being intimate?

    I get the impression she might be feeling a little used if every time you're together you're rushing to get physical in an allotted timeframe. Don't get me wrong, I don't think that you're using her and there's nothing wrong with wanting to get some, but I can see how it might make her feel bad if she feels it's the only level you're connecting on at the moment... and that as soon as you're alone it's nookie time.

    She isn't Catholic, by any chance? ;)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    briggi wrote:

    She isn't Catholic, by any chance? ;)
    just what i thought!
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    First off, I have to answer this one first: She IS catholic! You and your psychic minds, I tell ya what. :D

    Red_jelly: When I meant rewindable tape, I meant as in the same 'feeling bad' after, not the physicalness itself. The physicalness is pretty much great, but its just the after effects of it are getting old.

    olaola: We go out actually pretty often, which is another reason I'm confused. Such as, last week we went to multiple parties together, went to a movie, came to my house and watched tv, and also worked on a puzzle together. (Yes, a puzzle.)

    It seems like to her, if we are physical at all, then it makes the relationship a 'physical relationship' and nothing further... We have a great time when we are, or when we aren't physical, but anytime we are, it's the same story of how she felt bad.

    Briggi: Same as above, and plus, usually I let her make the first move to being physical, due to this problem being so frequent. Yet, the same story after. The last time she said "Sorry for us doing things all last night, I didn't like taking up all our time doing that at -all-."

    Basically, I'm thinking at this point maybe her Catholic roots (She isn't practicing really anymore.) might be getting to her when she does things, and it's getting old... I mean, I'm religious to an extent, but not to the point that I regret doing things like making out...

    I'm actually really close to just cutting her off... (Sounds like a thing a girl would do, but this is getting old...) :banghead:
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    if your close to dumping her....or cutting her off as you put it, then id say dont.....as this may hurt her. Confront her about it, just tell her exactly how you feel and get a straight answer, and then if she gives you the answer you dont want to hear, then tell her you dont think you can see her anymore and say it straight to her face rather then just catting her off

    as for the problem - its a hard one, it could be that she feels guilty afterwards for being catholic? It sounds like you do spend a lot of good time together not being physical.....but i cant say how she feels as i have never been there myself, unless like suzycreamcheese said, maybe she isnt attracted to you in that way?

    I really do think you should confront her (in a nice caring way) about it if you really do feel this annoyed/upset about it, good luck
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Jenni: By cutting her off, I meant like, hardly any physical contact for awhile, I didn't mean dumping her. I'm not anywhere near to that. At this point I am believing it is because of her catholic roots, as I know there is some guilt involved.

    And I think she is attracted to me in that way, because she's very touchy, flirts alot, and usually initiates the physical contact when we're together. (Since I let her instead of doing it myself.)

    Matt: Your post is very...uhh... radical...I guess... And on a side note, she definitely isn't prolonging sex, in fact, she's mentioned it many times, but I have chose not to.

    really, everything has been perfect in the relationship, only she is very insecure in her physical aspects, as well as guilty with physical pleasures...

    Any other ideas?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Look, she initiates the sex, so she clearly hasn't a lack of sex drive. She seems to like the sex or she wouldn't come back for it.

    Make her clear that it's perfectly normal that you feel physically attracted to you partner and therefore have sex. Sum up for her again what things you are doing, like partying up, drinking, the movies, jesus you even make puzzles, that's awesome.

    Tell her that the relationship and how it runs between you is objectively seen really good, since you are both attracted to each other (flirty stuff etc.), seem to be hardly bored (going out and stuff) and that you respect her as a person, otherwise you wouldn't be together anymore (couldn't imagine a lasting relationship, if it's just about the sex).

    And about the insecurities in her bodily aspects. Tell her there is no problem with it. you like her body a lot, and neither you do, nor she should care what anybody else is thinking. This problem is clearly in her head, since you are totally attracted to her in a physical way and don't see the flaws at all.

    I am sure that you can help and change her. Maybe attend some kind of partner therapy, but it doesn't sound like a real deeply engrained problem for me after all.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru

    I think It has officially taken a toll on me. I was with her last night, and had absolutely no interest in having physical relations with her. I think all the worrying and the annoyance of it has destroyed me urge for sexual relations...

    This could be bad... :(
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Erm Matt. It doesn't necessarily mean she has problems or is messed up. :no:
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