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My Story
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
This is sort of an introduction, but it's much more related to dating and relationships, so I figured I'd put it here.
In a nutshell I’m a geek, nerd, dork, whatever buzzword you want to use. I’m 20 years old and I’ve spent most of my life playing with and working on computers. I don’t follow or play sports (except for rock climbing), have no interest in popular culture or the music industry, and spend most of my time in front of my computer, which is the single most valuable item in my possession. In fact, for most of my life I purposely avoided social situations with strangers.
For a long time, this never really bothered me. Until around August of last year, shortly before my 20th birthday, I had an epiphany of sorts. I realized that, despite living in New York City my entire life, spending 4 years in a public high school and 2 years in college, I never had any sort of physical or romantic contact with a woman my entire life: no first kiss, not a single date, no dares, no innocent experimentation, no drunken fooling around, nothing. If you had to ask the question “have you ever…” the answer was most assuredly no. And not for lack of interest either, I’m a very horny and perverted SOB with a long list of kinks and fetishes I’d love to explore (and I feel absolutely no shame admitting it). I didn’t have very religious or controlling parents, in fact they were (and still are) very permissive and open minded. They begged me to be more sociable (and still do), but I was too busy playing computer games. And I’m not bad looking either. I’m underweight for my height and people have told me that I have a very attractive face (although, I didn’t believe them until I heard it from my sister, who would never lie to me to make me feel better, we rip on and abuse each other all the time).
This realization led to some very serious depression where I seriously contemplated suicide, despite being in a good college and having very good career prospects, and lots of good friends. I became very lonely, desperate and hopeless. I seriously thought I would live out the rest of my life like this, I was deathly afraid of becoming a 40-year-old virgin long before I saw commercials for the movie. I internalized most of the depression, as I do most things, which absolutely destroyed my self-confidence. Occasionally, however it comes out as anger, rage, and hostility. Some directed at my parents (they always taught me to be passive, never fight back, and scared me out of taking risks) and society in general, but mostly at myself. More than once I’ve punched a hole in drywall because I was so frustrated (and I’ve got the scars to prove it). I got so sick and tired of people saying “relax and be yourself, it’ll just happen” because, for me, it just didn’t happen.
Fortunately, I sought therapy and started taking medication for depression and social anxiety disorder. They definitely helped, because I started exploring online dating, where I met my first two girlfriends, both of which I had sex with (one after the other, not both at the same time, I didn’t become player overnight). I’d also like to point out, that in both of those relationships; I was the one who escalated from friendly conversation to playful physical touching and foreplay. So I know I have the capacity to be aggressive and assertive, I just don’t know how to put myself in that mindset.
My biggest problem with women, I think, is I don’t have the balls to initiate conversations. Something as simple as saying hi and making small talk absolutely scares me to death for fear of running out of things to say, or seeming desperate or creepy. I’m not a very aggressive or assertive guy (hence the internet dating, I see it as a sort of “work around”). I’m usually very passive and try to have a “live and let live” attitude towards life and people in general. However, I think this leads me to being “too nice” as I’m also making sure not to step on anyone’s toes, and don’t feel comfortable taking risks. On the plus side, I am very good at continuing a friendly conversation once it starts. Very few people who’ve met me didn’t like me, and I can usually build trust and rapport with the people I meet, both men and women (regardless of whether or not I want to). I just don’t know how to escalate things beyond that point.
Heh seems I’m being very verbose. Not something I normally do. I’m currently single and switching medications, so I’m going through a few weeks of “down time” as far as my mood is concerned. I’m feeling depressed and lonely again nowadays even though I know I shouldn’t. I can't help but think my first 2 g/f were just flukes, that I'll just end up back where I started. Hell, I have a date this weekend, but I’m convinced I’ll fuck it up, or do something wrong, or she’ll just cancel on me.
I'm not even sure why I'm posting this. I guess I'm just looking for advice? Or maybe judgement?
In a nutshell I’m a geek, nerd, dork, whatever buzzword you want to use. I’m 20 years old and I’ve spent most of my life playing with and working on computers. I don’t follow or play sports (except for rock climbing), have no interest in popular culture or the music industry, and spend most of my time in front of my computer, which is the single most valuable item in my possession. In fact, for most of my life I purposely avoided social situations with strangers.
For a long time, this never really bothered me. Until around August of last year, shortly before my 20th birthday, I had an epiphany of sorts. I realized that, despite living in New York City my entire life, spending 4 years in a public high school and 2 years in college, I never had any sort of physical or romantic contact with a woman my entire life: no first kiss, not a single date, no dares, no innocent experimentation, no drunken fooling around, nothing. If you had to ask the question “have you ever…” the answer was most assuredly no. And not for lack of interest either, I’m a very horny and perverted SOB with a long list of kinks and fetishes I’d love to explore (and I feel absolutely no shame admitting it). I didn’t have very religious or controlling parents, in fact they were (and still are) very permissive and open minded. They begged me to be more sociable (and still do), but I was too busy playing computer games. And I’m not bad looking either. I’m underweight for my height and people have told me that I have a very attractive face (although, I didn’t believe them until I heard it from my sister, who would never lie to me to make me feel better, we rip on and abuse each other all the time).
This realization led to some very serious depression where I seriously contemplated suicide, despite being in a good college and having very good career prospects, and lots of good friends. I became very lonely, desperate and hopeless. I seriously thought I would live out the rest of my life like this, I was deathly afraid of becoming a 40-year-old virgin long before I saw commercials for the movie. I internalized most of the depression, as I do most things, which absolutely destroyed my self-confidence. Occasionally, however it comes out as anger, rage, and hostility. Some directed at my parents (they always taught me to be passive, never fight back, and scared me out of taking risks) and society in general, but mostly at myself. More than once I’ve punched a hole in drywall because I was so frustrated (and I’ve got the scars to prove it). I got so sick and tired of people saying “relax and be yourself, it’ll just happen” because, for me, it just didn’t happen.
Fortunately, I sought therapy and started taking medication for depression and social anxiety disorder. They definitely helped, because I started exploring online dating, where I met my first two girlfriends, both of which I had sex with (one after the other, not both at the same time, I didn’t become player overnight). I’d also like to point out, that in both of those relationships; I was the one who escalated from friendly conversation to playful physical touching and foreplay. So I know I have the capacity to be aggressive and assertive, I just don’t know how to put myself in that mindset.
My biggest problem with women, I think, is I don’t have the balls to initiate conversations. Something as simple as saying hi and making small talk absolutely scares me to death for fear of running out of things to say, or seeming desperate or creepy. I’m not a very aggressive or assertive guy (hence the internet dating, I see it as a sort of “work around”). I’m usually very passive and try to have a “live and let live” attitude towards life and people in general. However, I think this leads me to being “too nice” as I’m also making sure not to step on anyone’s toes, and don’t feel comfortable taking risks. On the plus side, I am very good at continuing a friendly conversation once it starts. Very few people who’ve met me didn’t like me, and I can usually build trust and rapport with the people I meet, both men and women (regardless of whether or not I want to). I just don’t know how to escalate things beyond that point.
Heh seems I’m being very verbose. Not something I normally do. I’m currently single and switching medications, so I’m going through a few weeks of “down time” as far as my mood is concerned. I’m feeling depressed and lonely again nowadays even though I know I shouldn’t. I can't help but think my first 2 g/f were just flukes, that I'll just end up back where I started. Hell, I have a date this weekend, but I’m convinced I’ll fuck it up, or do something wrong, or she’ll just cancel on me.
I'm not even sure why I'm posting this. I guess I'm just looking for advice? Or maybe judgement?
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Comments
I think you need to try and go with the flow a bit more. Try not to analyse what's going to go wrong before it even happens. Things don't always work out how you expect, but if you're giving off bad vibes then you're fighting a losing battle before you've even started.
Suppose it's just a matter of finding some kind of beleif in yourself. I get really shy too, but I've always been determined that I'll be myself, and live by it. If I'm lucky enough to have somebody like me for it, then happy days. It's dead important that you're at least content with yourself, although for a lot of people it's easier said than done.
I'm actually really underqualified to give you a proper opinion on it, but you're deffo getting there, hope it all works out.