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Shall I forgive him? :(
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
Hi everyone,
This is going to be weird saying it all to strangers but I guess strangers are the ones who might be able to help me.
Its been a VERY tough day. The toughest of my life in fact.
Here is the story...
Saturday night my boyfriend went out. When he got in, he got a phone call from a friend of his, (female friend)... saying that a guy she were with just ditched her and she didnt know where she was. So my boyfriend said to get in a taxi and get to his.
Sleeping in the same room is bad enough huh? But you get what happened- they went all the way.
I was very suspicious about her being in the same room, and asked him if anything had went on, of course it was denyed. He said he didnt tell the truth because he knew it would mean me losing him. And he phoned a good friend who told him to lie, otherwise he would lose me. Which is TOTALLY out of order.
Last night I was so angry and said hurtful things to him, and I meant it all. But today a softer side has appeard and I just dont know what to do!!??! Hes BEGGING me back. And now I shall copy and paste an email he sent me in the early hours, after I found out...
"Just go, and patch things up with your friends who'll never make you as happy as I did, and go and find a guy who'll never be able to treat you in the way I did. Go and live a life which will forever be second best to the one you led with me.
I know you hate me, I know you absolutely despise my guts right now, and think i'm the biggest ba*tard in the world. I only hope those feelings will pass, because before Saturday, not a single thing could make me ever believe that you and I would ever end. Nothing. What me and Lisa did is unforgiveable. I know that, and it's why I feel as shi**y and low as I do. I am scum. There was nothing in it. I got nothing from what happened, except the biggest regret the very next morning.
You're the greatest thing that ever happened to me, and as I sit here dripping tears, I know that I will never be able to replace you. And you will never be able to replace me. i don't care how much you try and tell yourself that you will, but you won't. You know that, and your mother knows it too. She knows I was the best thing that ever happened to you. If you never give me a second chance, I have to live with the fact I let go of the most amazing precious person this world has ever seen. And i'll NEVER forgive myself for that. Never.
It will take weeks, months, maybe even years for you to get over what I have done to you... you may never recover. But I have to believe deep down that somewhere inside you is a part of you whispering to give me a second chance. I will NEVER let go of that idea. i will never give up on you naomi, because you are the one that I love, the one that means the most in the world to me. You're the one thing I had to live for in this shi**y life of mine, and that is the reason I will never give up. If you're prepared to fight me off, then fight me, but it will be a long one. I will do whatever it takes to win you back, at whatever cost, and no matter how long it takes me.
I love you more than life itself, and one day I will prove that to you,
Carl xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox"
What do I do? I still love him but hate him at the same time for doing this to me. I want to be with him but dont know if the trust can come back.
Its just not him!! My mum even phoned his mum and dad earlier- and they hadn't known about it- when they found it out, they were in utter shock. They cant believe he would do this type of thing. Its not a him thing to do. His mum said that his dad is going to kill him when he gets in In a way, I want some sense knocked into him!!
So i guess Im just asking you all... what would YOU do? Have you ever been in a situation like this? And did you forgive and everything turn out okay? Or didn't it just not work out because of the trust?
I need help in deciding
This is going to be weird saying it all to strangers but I guess strangers are the ones who might be able to help me.
Its been a VERY tough day. The toughest of my life in fact.
Here is the story...
Saturday night my boyfriend went out. When he got in, he got a phone call from a friend of his, (female friend)... saying that a guy she were with just ditched her and she didnt know where she was. So my boyfriend said to get in a taxi and get to his.
Sleeping in the same room is bad enough huh? But you get what happened- they went all the way.
I was very suspicious about her being in the same room, and asked him if anything had went on, of course it was denyed. He said he didnt tell the truth because he knew it would mean me losing him. And he phoned a good friend who told him to lie, otherwise he would lose me. Which is TOTALLY out of order.
Last night I was so angry and said hurtful things to him, and I meant it all. But today a softer side has appeard and I just dont know what to do!!??! Hes BEGGING me back. And now I shall copy and paste an email he sent me in the early hours, after I found out...
"Just go, and patch things up with your friends who'll never make you as happy as I did, and go and find a guy who'll never be able to treat you in the way I did. Go and live a life which will forever be second best to the one you led with me.
I know you hate me, I know you absolutely despise my guts right now, and think i'm the biggest ba*tard in the world. I only hope those feelings will pass, because before Saturday, not a single thing could make me ever believe that you and I would ever end. Nothing. What me and Lisa did is unforgiveable. I know that, and it's why I feel as shi**y and low as I do. I am scum. There was nothing in it. I got nothing from what happened, except the biggest regret the very next morning.
You're the greatest thing that ever happened to me, and as I sit here dripping tears, I know that I will never be able to replace you. And you will never be able to replace me. i don't care how much you try and tell yourself that you will, but you won't. You know that, and your mother knows it too. She knows I was the best thing that ever happened to you. If you never give me a second chance, I have to live with the fact I let go of the most amazing precious person this world has ever seen. And i'll NEVER forgive myself for that. Never.
It will take weeks, months, maybe even years for you to get over what I have done to you... you may never recover. But I have to believe deep down that somewhere inside you is a part of you whispering to give me a second chance. I will NEVER let go of that idea. i will never give up on you naomi, because you are the one that I love, the one that means the most in the world to me. You're the one thing I had to live for in this shi**y life of mine, and that is the reason I will never give up. If you're prepared to fight me off, then fight me, but it will be a long one. I will do whatever it takes to win you back, at whatever cost, and no matter how long it takes me.
I love you more than life itself, and one day I will prove that to you,
Carl xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox"
What do I do? I still love him but hate him at the same time for doing this to me. I want to be with him but dont know if the trust can come back.
Its just not him!! My mum even phoned his mum and dad earlier- and they hadn't known about it- when they found it out, they were in utter shock. They cant believe he would do this type of thing. Its not a him thing to do. His mum said that his dad is going to kill him when he gets in In a way, I want some sense knocked into him!!
So i guess Im just asking you all... what would YOU do? Have you ever been in a situation like this? And did you forgive and everything turn out okay? Or didn't it just not work out because of the trust?
I need help in deciding
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Comments
Personally i dont think i could ever forgive someone who did that to me.
well that bit about another bloke not treating you like he did is laughable...so sleeping with another girl is treating your girlfriend good?
He's emotionally blackmailing you aswell - he couldn't have been thinking about you when he was banging with another girl.
I would at least say stay apart while you think things through and get things straight in your head. Don't let him hassling you make you take him back. You've got to want to. But why anyone would take a cheater back i don't know.
I may be inclined to forgive after reading that letter, but not necessarily immediately. It depends whether you feel you could ever trust him again, and obviously that female friend would have to be off limits totally.
It would take a hell of a time for the trust to come back, so dont either him or you expect things to go back to normal for a while.
your decision, I dont envy you.
The email is aiming to make you want to forgive him, and parts of it are arrogant (ie. where he says he's the best thing that ever happened to you, what cheek!)
I honestly dont think that he could have cheated on you if he loved you. If you give him a second chance how will he learn? How do you know it wont happen again? because if he knows he can get away with it then whats stopping him?
But, this is all easy for me to be saying, im not you. This is just my opinion.
Here's the advice from TheSite's article Spotting a cheat:
They have cheated, so now what?
If your lover has done the dirty on you, be prepared to go through any number of emotions from anger, to hurt and misery, or maybe even relief. Talk it through with a trusted friend, rather than bottling things up.
It's up to you to decide whether you want to finish the relationship or not. If you think there is a chance that you can forgive them, it's important to find why they were unfaithful in the first place. You will both have to be prepared to make some changes if things are going to work out.
You will also have to talk to your partner to make sure they didn't expose you to sexually transmitted infections. If you don't believe their explanation, play safe and get yourself a check-up anyway.
Take care xx
I've been in this situation before and do you know what my advice is to you? Walk away. Don't forgive him. Just walk away and move on.
My ex boyfriend cheated on me three times, one being with one of my friends. After the first time he cheated on me, he did it again. I got an email very similar to yours and to be honest, I don't think he meant a word of it. My ex always begged me for forgiveness and because I loved him, I always did.
He claims he never cheated on me again after that 3rd time but I don't believe this is true. We were forced into a long distance relationship and I believe he cheated on me whilst at University. I never got the trust back. Once trust is broken, its very hard to regain.
Without meaning to sound harsh, your boyfriend seems to think that you can't get anyone better than him, well, I'm sorry hun but you can. You deserve a guy that won't do the dirty on you, a guy who wouldn't even consider it.
I went through hell for a year and a half after my ex cheated on me so many times. I was constantly paranoid and insecure. I'm still recovering from it all now. At the end of the day, your boyfriend was capable of cheating then so why isn't he capable of doing it again.
I know none of this probably won't help but I'm trying to give you advice on the basis of what I went through.
Personally, I think you would be better off without him. Nothing is worse than constantly worrying if your boyfriend is cheating on you or not because they have done it before. Take care xxx
Yeah? Your life is better with someone that cheated on you at the drop of a hat? It's not like you had a huge row beforehand or anything is it (not that this would be an excuse)?
He is trying to make YOU feel guilty. Until he stops trying to fuck your head up, be a man and tell you everthing(!) that happened and then grovel so hard that he bleeds, he doesn't deserve your contemplation of reuniting.
The worst part of it (I think) is that he lied to you when you asked him if anything happened. It was bad enough to cheat on you, but if he came clean about it of his own accord or even when you asked him, I think more people would say you should consider giving him another chance. What he's done is to break your trust not once, but twice - by cheating and then lying about it. How can you be expected to trust him again when you had to find out about this from someone else? (How did you find out, by the way?)
At least if he'd told you then you could think ok, it happened, but at least I could trust him enough to admit it and say he's sorry. If you do decide to take him back then you should stress this to him and hope that he learns an incredibly valuable lesson from it - there's no point covering things up and hoping they'll go away, honesty is always the best policy, because otherwise all you've got is a relationship based on lies.
Hopefully even if you don't get back with him he'll realise that by not telling you, he pushed the detonator to explode the relationship - if he'd told you, sure he could have lost you but at least if you did stay together then it would be because it was right rather than because he was deceiving you.
I think that, like Tweety says, it's important to find out why he did this. You say it's very out of character for him, so what happened on Saturday night to change his character? It was nice of him to help out a friend in need, but why couldn't she have got in a taxi and gone back to her own house, why did she need to go to his? Was he drunk? (Of course that doesn't excuse anything.) Is there any prehistory between them - has he ever had feelings for her in the past, has she had feelings for him? If he's not the kind of guy you'd expect to do this sort of thing then it strikes me that there should be more to it than simply a drunken opportunity.
Errr...hello? Never find a guy who treats you the way he did? You mean sleeping with another girl? I'll pass, thanks.
Personally I wouldn't take him back. Not only has he done the dirty on you, but this part I've quoted reeks of control and emotional blackmail.
If he'd written that he was really sorry, and he wouldn't blame you for never speaking to him again cause you could do so much better, I would be more inclined to give him another chance, but he hasn't.
He's trying to make it sound soppy, but I actually think that's quite an aggressive letter, and I don't like it at all.
Your life will not be second best if you leave him, and you will find someone who respects you enough to not cheat on you. If you choose to forgive him, it's fair enough, but do it because you want to, not cause you think you'll never do better. You really will.
Ditto.
I don't understand why he is dragging your mom into this besides the fact that she called his mom. I also don't see how he can think that you can't ever replace him. Maybe if you lived 50 years together, then he has a right to say that.
That's also creepy.
I wouldn't take him back. Parts of the letter is creepy and I keep on thinking of a crazy stalker. I don't know him so maybe he was really upset when he wrote the letter, causing him to not sound like himself. However, based off the letter and lying, I wouldn't be able to take him back.
That is the best piece of advice in this thread. ^
I really wouldn't take someone like that back. Walk away now.
That doesn't even appear to be an apology to me. Just a guilt trip, and what i find especially disgusting is the fact that if someone cheats on you your self esteem and confidence take a battering, and he seems to be using that fact to make you feel even worse. Therefore making you feel like the only person you've got, or ever will have, in the world is him.
I'm sure you could do so much better. No one needs to be in a relationship where one person cheats, let alone with a nasty control freak like that.
he sounds like a right arrogant muppet. he's like i've cheated on you but i'm sooooo ace you should take me back.
He fucks someone else, and then goes on about how great he is and how you'll miss him forever? For fuck's sake woman, tell him that he's a pompous arrogant cunt and that he has lost the best thing that will ever happen to him.
He's thought with his dick, and he doesn't even have the decvency to say sorry. What a fucking gentleman. He obviously cares so much about you.
Tell him to fuck off and get syphilis off the bow-legged cunt he was banging when he should have been with you.
Tell him for fuck off and go stick his dick in a blender. Do not take that slime ball back, once a cheat always a cheat
He was on the phone earlier. I didn't want to talk to him, but he spoke to my mum and I listened in.
He was crying his eyes out.. badly, begging, pleading. Doing anything possible.
My mum actually thinks hes sorry, and so does my dad. Which is shocking since when they found out, they hated his guts, and my dad was SO angry he started punching things. But now they are believing he is genuially sorry and made a huge mistake. I know hes sorry but that doesn't change what he did. I mean how could I ever sleep with him again, knowing his dick was in some other girl and his hands and lips all over her. That thought makes me sick. Im not sure if I'll come to get over that part or not yet. I think I'll have to sleep on it. (If I do sleep- I didnt last night)
Thanks for all your replies also
Yes it is a really horrid thing to do to you but mistakes happen. If he went out on a night out he was no doubt at least a little drunk. Not that thats an excuse or that im defending him but it would be a factor in why it happened.
Has he ever done anything like this before? if not then at least he has that going for him.
Just give it a couple of weeks apart then see how you feel after that.
We have known each other for years but have been going out for 17 months now. Everything was so perfect, we had the most amazing realtionship. And then this happened on Saturday.
I keep asking him why he did it, and he says he honestly doesn't know why. I'm going to keep asking and asking though. I have a right to know.
Hes never minded me going on his e-mail account before since he had NOTHING to hide, so of course I knew his password. So I thought maybe I would find some evidence to catch him out. And yes I did- I saw an email he sent to a friend in the USA saying what hes done and how much hes hates himself and the guilt etc etc etc.
Thats how I found out, not through him or her. Thats the annoying thing. He would have gone on without telling me. He said the reason for that was because he knew for sure it would end if I found out. Well uhhh.. wouldnt it be a tad worse if I found out AFTER he lied about it?
I know I shouldnt have read that email but I had to, and Im glad I did now, because it showed me that. I nearly fainted when I saw it... it was like "So its true???" F*CK!!"
Thats when I confronted him.
And the girl was a friend of mine too- which makes it worse. And of course shes blaming it all on him. BITCH. Takes 2 to tango!
How old is he? Your 18 right?
And hes 22
ok so he cheats on you - with your friend ffs, doesn't tell you, you find out by an email, when confronted he takes you on a guilt trip being a cocky git, now is being a drama queen and spinning out a sob story
get rid of him - and her
i take it you won't be friends with her anymore? so i don't see what makes him to special to be forgiven and taken back. If you get rid of one then get rid of both.
Hmm he should have really grown up a bit then.
I'd be wary of the whole crying thing. He could be crying cos he feels sorry for himself. My mates bloke cheated on her, started crying, she took him back, he stopped crying but then she found out the whole time he was crying, begging her, saying how much he loved her, he was still shagging the girl.
In my current relationship there have been mistakes on both sides and there is still a lot of mistrust from both sides, we still love each other though and are trying to work around these mistakes - we seem to be doing a pretty damn good job so far!
Crying doesn't mean shit. He's probably crying for himself.
Move on.