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A poem dedicated to the acceptionally crap service of AOL...

BillieTheBotBillieTheBot 🤖Posts: 8,667 Automated Account

I found me a new server
And I called it AOL.
The going rate seemed a bargain,
But the connection speed was hell!

An "illegal operation"
Every time I hit a switch,
Now, I know I'm not an angel...
But I don't deserve this bitch!!

Five minutes into browsing
And it didn't disconnect,
So you couldn't call it Freeserve...
Now that would be disrespect!

So I went to do some surfing
And it froze on every page,
Except for when I did my homework
Or when I was acting my age.

So a lesson to all you newbies,
Don't be tempted by this poo...
AO-hell is coming,
And it's coming after you!!!

Beep boop. I'm a bot.

Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    lmoa <IMG alt="image" SRC="http://www.thesite.org/ubb/biggrin.gif"&gt; nice one although im sure my server is much worse than AOL. loadsa ppl r gonna back me up on that lol <IMG alt="image" SRC="http://www.thesite.org/ubb/biggrin.gif"&gt;

    There's a girl in my mirror
    I wonder who she is
    Sometimes I think I know her
    Sometimes I really wish I did
  • Girl-From-MarsGirl-From-Mars Mega Poster Posts: 2,822
    lol thats well good, did you write it or did someone else? it made me smile! hehe

    freeserve's pants too, cuts you off every 2 hrs or maybe less if it feels like it, and sometimes you connect and just nothing works! grrr. oh and it takes a while sometimes to get back on, especially around 6pm-9pm!

    drifter what are you on again? im sure i know it somewhere in my brain though! but yeah yours is crap <IMG alt="image" SRC="http://www.thesite.org/ubb/tongue.gif"&gt; hehe!

    Burn baby burn!
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I wrote it after I got booted several times by yahoo & AOL....grrr
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Originally posted by ~*LIBERTY*~:

    I found me a new server
    And I called it AOL.
    The going rate seemed a bargain,
    But the connection speed was hell!

    An "illegal operation"
    Every time I hit a switch,

    AO-hell is coming,
    And it's coming after you!!!


    How very true! That happens to me every time I'm online.


    That there
    That's not me
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    When you log in, just before it checks your password, does it ever bring up a box for a guest to log in? It's so annoying!

    That there
    That's not me
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Get NTL or BT Surftime.
    I get a full 56K connection on NTL, better than BT's and AOL's measly 44K.
    I connect everytime as well.
    HAHAHAHA

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    That's brilliant Liberty <IMG alt="image" SRC="http://www.thesite.org/ubb/smile.gif"&gt;

    j9
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Im on AOL n it used to boot me loads n loads u should tell one of them helper ppl, they changed all the access numbers too so mayb u need to change urs, i had to delete this fil on mine called, global.org and open aol again and it set it up for me n then my problems went but theres loads of other stuff to do as well, mine dont hardly ever cut me off no more,

    ive probably hexed myself now and im gonna be gettin d.c all day today <IMG alt="image" SRC="http://www.thesite.org/ubb/rolleyes.gif"&gt;

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    That reminds me of a joke song from the 80s
    It went something like this (I've got it on tape).

    TITLE: "Do-It Yourself" - performed by Bill Sutton

    I went to buy computers, they said a million bucks
    For a brand new mainframe IBM, now that price really sucks.
    So I looked at all the pictures, and I chose to build my own,
    For you can build a mainframe from the things you find at home.

    (Chorus : )
    Oh, IBM, DEC, and Honeywell, HP, DG and Wang,
    Amdahl, NEC, and NCR, they don't know anything.
    They make big bucks for systems, though they never want it known
    That you can build a mainframe from the things you find at home.

    Well, take the CPU, you see it's only just a box
    With blinking lights and whirring fans and lots of cable slots.
    Well, I spent an evening working with some wire and bulbs and pins,
    Then I hauled them to the basement and I plugged the freezer in.

    (Chorus)

    Well, next I needed tape drives, my tape drives were a steal.
    I climbed into the attic for my dad's old reel-to-reel.
    Some cable and some binder twine, and soon it was complete:
    My CPU and tape drive at a price no one can beat.

    (Chorus)

    Well, then I looked for disk drives, but it didn't take me long.
    Function follows form, they say, or have I got that wrong?
    Well, I found a drive with five new modes that blow the rest away:
    Cottons, linens, wash and wear, rinse and lingerie.

    (Chorus)

    Well, I had to have a console just to make my system run.
    Without a fancy console then my system wasn't done.
    So, I tied a ten-buck typer to a broken TV tube,
    And now I've got a console that can write the evening news.

    (Chorus)

    Well, I've had my system running - I'll admit it's not the best.
    The data isn't right, and the response time is a mess.
    It crashes every hour, and it isn't worth a damn,
    But I'm satisfied because it runs just like an IBM!

    It's better with the music <IMG alt="image" SRC="http://www.thesite.org/ubb/smile.gif"&gt;
    j9

    [This message has been edited by j9j9 (edited 19-04-2001).]
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    luv the poem even though i am on aol myself!
    <IMG alt="image" SRC="http://www.thesite.org/ubb/biggrin.gif"&gt;

    Sex is evil,
    Evil is sin,
    Sins are forgiven,
    So lets get stuck in!
  • Girl-From-MarsGirl-From-Mars Mega Poster Posts: 2,822
    just come across this old wav file!!

    just sit right back and youll hear a tale
    about my virtual trip
    it started from my IBM
    with a simple little click

    i tried to surf the internet
    things did not go well
    i wound up in a chatroom with
    some cyber geeks from hell
    (hes trapped in cyber hell)

    (thunder and lightning)

    they wont shut up i cant escape
    this aol nightmare
    if i signed on to prodigy
    i bet they'd find me there
    (these geeks are everywhere)

    im stuck inside the worldwide web
    with weirdos i dont know
    i hit at one; unplug the phone
    i cant click out, i cant get in

    it says in chat
    OH MY GOD
    im trapped on the interneeeeeet!
    www.geocities.com/i_am_the_girl_from_mars_2001/gilligan.wav

    Burn baby burn!

    [This message has been edited by Girl-From-Mars (edited 26-04-2001).]
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    all u poor people with those crappy servers. I've got a 512k connection, that NEVER cuts me off (cept when it goes down for service, in which case u get an advance warning). It's a pretty cheap rate and, well, i'm pretty damn happy bout it!!

    Look into these tired eyes. See something you might recognise.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Thank god for ISDN Leaselines at work... <IMG alt="image" SRC="http://www.thesite.org/ubb/smile.gif"&gt;

    I used to use Libertysurf at home for my surfing which was rather fast and a few years ago I was beta-testing Norweb Communications Electricity Lines, god knows what happened to that...

    Least everyones finally clicked on not to use Compuserve, hopefully AOL will follow.. until then, happy constricted monitored attempted surfing... <IMG alt="image" SRC="http://www.thesite.org/ubb/wink.gif"&gt;
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Check this picture out, I think you'll like it.
    http://files.steakandcheese.com/pics/aolpisstaker.jpg

    I am not Jesus, though I have the same initals.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    How the Grinch stole AOL

    Every newbie in Newville loved Steve Case alot.
    But the Grinch who lived just north of New-ville did not.

    Oh he hated the service--all 6 million users.
    The lame and the looney, the lonely, the losers.

    Some say he'd struck out in his chat room romances
    That even the NetGirl had spurned his advances.

    It could be its logo was making him dizzy.
    A dial-up number perpetually busy...

    Or strange disconnects, but most likely of all
    Was the time he spent waiting on hold when he called!

    But whatever the reason, the bumps or the waits,
    He stood there on Christmas Eve, hating Steve Case.

    Staring down at his screen with a sour, net scowl,
    While Case sunned in MacLean with a monogrammed towel

    And he knew every newbie in Chat Rooms tonight
    Would now gather in private rooms clean out of sight.

    "And they're sending their IM's!" he snarled with a sneer.
    "While they tie up the phone lines, and buy Case's beer!"

    Then he scratched his green face in the monitor glowing,
    "I MUST find some way to stop AOL from growing."

    For, Tomorrow, he knew... ..All the AOL vandals
    Would wake bright and early. They'd rush for their handles

    And then! Oh, the spam! Oh, the Spam! Spam! Spam! Spam!
    That's one thing he hated! The SPAM! SPAM! SPAM! SPAM!

    They would forward chain letters and Dr. Seuss rhymes,
    A new virus-warning, that they'd dubbed "Good Times"

    And totems for luck or a new snowball toy.
    They'd collect business cards for a poor dying boy...

    And THEN
    They'd do something He liked least of all!
    They'd launch with their modems that AOL call

    They'd rush to their chat rooms, the old and the young
    the clueful, the clueless, the smart and the dum,

    And after they finished their e-mail reading,
    then IM to IM--the News would start breeding!

    They'd breed! And they'd breed!
    And they'd BREED! BREED! BREED! BREED!

    "It's all Steve Case's fault," the Grinch said with a tisk,
    "He's sucked up the market with all of those disks."

    And the more the grinch pondered the AOL thug--
    "I must stop the whole thing! I must pull the plug!"

    "Why I've suffered their spam since at least '94!
    And I won't suffer one piece of e-mail more!"

    "I know just what to do!" he said, stroking his chin.
    "I'll pull out their 19-hour routers again!"

    It was dark in Virginia, the home of the spam,
    As he crept past their now-silent parking lot cam.

    He passed a grey chimney, and quick as a whisk,
    he stole each and every last white floppy disk!

    As he reached the grey buildings, quite slowly he crept
    toward the humming computers where chat rooms were kept.

    And as up onto AOL's mainframes he climbed
    A well-known and tinkly sound file chimed

    He spun round to confront their security guards,
    But a Grinch-to-Case showdown was not in the cards.

    That morning a local school's tour passed through,
    and the Grinch stood called out by CINDY432!

    This Case fan stared accusing with watery eyes,
    and said "Why are you shutting down AOL? Why?"

    And so needing a dishonest answer to thrive,
    He said, "I'm on staff here, and I work for Tech Live!"

    "See, a sector near here will consistently fail.
    There's a sound file here that won't say "You've got Mail"!

    "And I merely stopped in to re-service this POP.
    (And on Wednesdays we schedule maintenance stops...)

    "So we're fixing the service with all our tech powers.
    The whole thing should just take a mere 19 hours."

    Then he roamed through the office park stealing their files--
    their CD's, and floppies, their modem and dials,

    Then the last thing he did--which they ill could afford--
    was to scarf up the service's last router cord!

    Then he ran to Virginia to gloat from a hill
    And he listened for Steve Case's crying so shrill.

    For he knew in the morning Case sat down to write
    his Community Update to send from the heights.

    Steve will find out his service was stripped in the night.
    His mouth will hang open, with nothing to write!

    And his stock options worthless, he'll cry "I am through!"

    Then the AOL users will all cry "Me too!"

    And they'll rush off to ISPs, all at one time
    and they'll savor the thrill of unlimited time

    On a POP with a dial-up that actually answers
    And with users besides just the chat room romancers.


    But instead the next morning, despite all his lies,
    the Grinch read in the papers they'd doubled in size.

    Though his newbies couldn't dial-in, they did something funny:
    They continued to give Steve Case all of their money.

    And he sulked in his Grinch cave, Virginia skies snowing--
    He hadn't stopped AOL's service from growing.

    "It came without UNIX.
    It came without phones.
    It came without chatrooms.
    Or Steve Case's tomes."

    All the New's kept on using those floppy disks pale,
    installing the software that came in the mail,

    Convinced that a service just couldn't be that bad
    (And deceived by blind faith from that George Jetson ad.)

    The Grinch pondered in horror the spams still to come.
    "Maybe newbies--real newbies--are just really dumb".

    "Maybe god made the clueless for Steve Case to fleece."
    Then he set up a filter and left them in peace.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    One more... tee-hee, seeing as I'm in the mood, sing the following to the tune of American Pie...

    American Pie

    A long, long, time ago
    I can still remember when I dialed up their help desk lines.
    And I knew if I had the chance
    They could make my modem dance
    with chats and GIFs and silly pick-up lines.


    But Help Desk phone calls made me shiver
    with every busy they'd deliver.
    Bad news on the front page
    A 19-hour outrage.


    I can't remember if I cried
    when I realized that Steve Case had lied.
    But something touched me deep inside
    The day the service died.


    So bye bye to Amer'ca Online
    Drove my modem to a domain and it's working just fine.
    And good old geeks are cheering users offline
    Saying this'll be the day that they die.
    This'll be the day that they die.

    Did you write the book of TOS
    Will you send your password to PWD-BOSS
    If an IM tells you so.

    And will you believe the Motley Fool
    When he tells you that the service rules
    And can you teach me how to Web real slow?

    Well I know you sold the service short
    Cause I saw your quarterly report.

    Steve Case sold off his stock
    It fell just like a rock.

    It was a crazy, costly high-tech play
    As they slashed away at what subscribers pay
    And half their users went away
    the day the service died.

    So bye bye to Amer'ca Online
    Drove my modem to a domain and it's working just fine
    And good old geeks are cheering users offline
    Saying this'll be the day that they die.
    This'll be the day that they die.

    Well for two days we've been on our own
    And dial-ins click on a rolling phone
    But that's not how it used to be

    When the mogul came to Virginia court
    With an OS icon and a browser port
    And a desktop that looked like Apple III.

    And while Jim Clark was looking down
    The mogul stole his thorny crown

    The browser war was turned.
    Mozilla...was spurned.

    And while Steve left users out to bond
    With hosts unable to respond
    6 million newbies all were conned
    the day the service died.

    So bye bye to Amer'ca Online
    Drove my modem to a domain and it's working just fine
    And good old geeks are cheering users offline
    Saying this'll be the day that they die.
    This'll be the day that they die.

    Da Chronic ducked their software guards
    And stole a million credit cards
    To use accounts he'd gotten free.

    And so Steve Case went to the FBI
    and he told Boardwatch a little lie
    That hackers wanted child pornography

    But while Steve Case was looking down
    The hackers pulled his e-mail down

    They put it on the net.
    He can't be trusted yet!

    And while user cynicism climbs
    At sign-on ads and welcome rhymes
    They scan their e-mail for "Good Times"
    the day the service died.

    So bye bye to Amer'ca Online
    Drove my modem to a domain and it's working just fine
    And good old geeks are cheering users offline
    Saying this'll be the day that they die.
    This'll be the day that they die.

    Helter-skelter billing needs a melter
    The lawyers filed a class-action shelter
    Eight million in lawyer's fees.

    But it looks like some attorney jibe
    an hour if they resubscribe.
    To a service marketed for free

    Well I KNOW you're raking in the bucks
    Cause I'm reading alt.aol-sucks.

    "Until we bless the suit
    The settlement is moot."

    "If AOL treats you like the Borg
    Then visit aolsucks.org
    Before some router pulls the cord..."
    the day the service died.

    So bye bye to Amer'ca Online
    Drove my modem to a domain and it's working just fine
    And good old geeks are cheering users offline
    Saying this'll be the day that they die.
    This'll be the day that they die.

    Bill Razzouk, the head-to-be
    sold off his home in Tennessee
    And headed for a 4-month end.

    Was he sad or just incensed
    when Case offered him his thirty cents.
    Billing is the devil's only friend.

    But as I read him on the page
    My hands were clenched in fists of rage.

    No "Welcome" born in hell
    could ring that chatroom bell.

    And as chat freaks cried into the night
    CompuServe read their last rites.
    I saw Earthlink laughing with delight
    the day the service died.

    So bye bye to Amer'ca Online
    Drove my modem to a domain and it's working just fine
    And good old geeks are cheering users offline
    Saying this'll be the day that they die.
    This'll be the day that they die.

    I met a girl in Lobby 9
    And I asked her if she'd stay on-line.
    But she just frowned and looked away.

    And I went back to the Member Lounge
    To see what loyalty I could scrounge
    But the Room Host said the members went away...

    And on the net the modems scream
    At faster speeds and data streams.

    And not a tear was spoken.
    The hourly fees were broken.

    And the three men that I hated most
    Ted, and Steve, and Razzouk's ghost
    They couldn't dial up the host
    The day the service died.



    hehehe, sorry, couldn't resist... all those AOL haters rhymes and songs... <IMG alt="image" SRC="http://www.thesite.org/ubb/smile.gif"&gt;
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