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Jokes...

BillieTheBotBillieTheBot Posts: 8,721 Bot
Well instead of starting a thread per joke I thought I just open a thread for jokes, makes more sense...
Beep boop. I'm a bot.

Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    How to explain Politics...

    A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What are Politics?"
    Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way:

    ..1. I'm the head of the family, so call me The President.

    ..2. Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the
    Government.

    ..3. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the People.

    ..4. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class.

    ..5 And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future.

    "Now, think about that and see if it makes sense."

    So, the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.

    Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to
    check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper.

    So, the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother sound
    asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the
    door locked, he looks in the peephole and finds his father in bed with
    the Nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.

    The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I
    understand the concept of politics now."

    The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think
    politics is all about."

    The little boy replies, "The President is screwing the Working Class,
    while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and
    the Future is in deep shit."
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Whats the last thing to go thru a bugs mind when it hits the windshield?
    Its ass

    :lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol:
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    my_name wrote:
    Whats the last thing to go thru a bugs mind when it hits the windshield?
    Its ass

    :lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol:

    Hehe... Nice :thumb: :lol::D
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    The bathtub

    During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

    "Well," said the director, "We fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

    "Oh, I understand," said the visitor.

    "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

    "No" said the director, "A normal person would pull the plug.
    Do you want a room with or without a view?"
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Oi I posted that joke a while ago :p
    Joke stealer!
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Oi I posted that joke a while ago :p
    Joke stealer!

    Sorry, didn't know that...

    or maybe I did and just copied/pasted it :p
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I have some, + 18 jokes.. dont think I should post them :(
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hellfire wrote:
    I have some, + 18 jokes.. dont think I should post them :(

    go on try us :D
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Speeding Ticket

    A Florida senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership.

    Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.

    "Amazing!" he thought as he flew down I-75, pushing the pedal to the metal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw the highway patrol behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring.

    "I can get away from him - no problem!" thought the elderly nutcase as he floored it to 100mph, then 110, then 120mph.

    Suddenly, he thought, "What on earth am I doing? I'm too old for this nonsense!", pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the Trooper to catch up with him.

    Pulling in behind him, the Trooper walked up to the driver's side of the Corvette, looked at his watch and said:

    "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday.
    If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

    The man, looking very seriously at the Trooper, said, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."

    "Have a good day, Sir," said the Trooper
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    A Florida senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership.

    ...

    Well that one wasnt' funny at all :no:
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    my_name wrote:
    Well that one wasnt' funny at all :no:

    Well the one that make me laugh can't make laugh everyone...

    Actually it make me more smile than laugh...

    Will try to do better, sorry...
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    got these from an email so yes,

    heres a few "tasters"

    Q: What's the sickest thing about a pile of dead babies?
    A: The live one at the bottom trying to get out.



    Q: Whats red and sits in a fryer?
    A: Abortion on chips



    Q: How do you know if you have a very high sperm count?
    A: Your girlfriend has to chew before she can swallow!!!



    Q: What turns a nine - stone weakling into a sixteen stone man of steel?
    A: Polio



    Q: Mom's have Mother's Day, Father's have Father's Day. What do single guys have?
    A: Palm Sunday



    Q: What's the difference between a Jew and a canoe?
    A: A canoe tips



    Q: Did you hear about the Jewish Kamikaze pilot?
    A: He crashed his plane in to his brothers scrap yard
  • Teh_GerbilTeh_Gerbil Posts: 13,332 Born on Earth, Raised by The Mix
    The Pope visted Cuba once, and was walking down the beach with Fidel Castro, as they talked. A sudden gust of wind blew the popes hat away. "Never mind" said Castro, I shall get it. He walked out and retreived the hat across the water.
    It is interesting to analyze the papers in this situation:
    "Castro can walk on water! Performed Miracle!" Read Cuba's papers.
    In Italy, the headlines were: "Pope grants Castro ability to walk on water!"
    In the USA, as ever, the headlines took a different line:
    "PROVEN: Cuban leader cannot swim."

    A man was standing on the corner of an intersection watching a funeral procession pass by, when suddenly he was struck by an unusual sight: behind the hearse followed a man leading a goat on a rope, who in turn was closely trailed by a line of young men. Approaching the man with a goat, the bystander inquired:
    - Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me who has died, and why this strange following?
    - Well, you see, the man answered, "the person in the hearse is my mother-in-law. Yesterday, while picking vegetables in our garden, she was struck from the behind by this goat and killed instantly."
    - Really! the bystander said eagerly. "Think I might borrow him for a day or so?"
    - Sure, responded the man, "but you'll have to go to the back like everyone else".

    Brezhnev complains to Gromiko that he can't get used to summer and winter time changes.
    - It's simple, replies Gromiko. Just move the hands on your clock one hour ahead in spring, and then move them one hour back in autumn.
    - Well, says Breznev, that sounds really simple. Nevertheless, when I sent a telegram of my condolences to Egypt regarding Anwar Sadat's assasination last summer, it arrived one hour before his death.

    Suliko and Shota fell in love and got married. Soon after Shota discovered he had to leave on a business trip. "Don't worry", he said to his young wife. "I'll be back in three days". Three days passed, then three times 3, 10 times three - and still, no Shota. Suliko got anxious and sent telegrams to 10 reliable friends in 10 different cities. Immediately she received the same answer from all 10 friends:
    - Don't worry, Shota is at our place.
    So, lets drink to the true friends, who would never let us down when we are in trouble.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Two women are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar." The second woman says, "Here, let me see!" So the first woman hands her the compact.

    The second one looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's me!"


    A woman suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the woman is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and, as she does so, she is overcome with grief She takes the gun and puts it to her head. The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it!!!" The woman replies, "Shut up, you're next!"


    What did the woman ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant? "Is it mine?"


    A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?" The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to suck you dry." Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?" And he replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I've posted this befoe:

    An out of work pianist with Tourettes Syndrome is strolling around the streets and bars of Soho one unemployed afternoon. Walking down Dean Street he sees a lounge bar with a sign in the window 'Pianist wanted for evening performances'.

    'Fucking get in there you cunt!' he says to himself and goes to the bar. 'Get the fucking manager of this pigs shit middle class wankhole please you cunt', he says to a somewhat startled barman. The barman however obliges and his manager comes upstairs. 'Can I help you sir?' he says

    'Yes you can you fat piece of shit, I saw your poxy advert in the cunting window and I'm here to audition.....wanker.'

    The manager is naturally put off by the man's abrasive manner but his dire need for a top class pianist forces him to agree to an audition. The first tune the Pianist plays is an uplifting jazzy number, not too involving, yet utterly melodic. At the end the thrilled barman cries, 'Wonderful, wonderful. What was that called?' 'That song, you big nosed twat, was called "Excuse me prime minister but I just jizzed in your daughter's eye, and now the cunts blind...'

    'Oh' says the manager 'err, can you play me another. Something a little less "lively".

    'Wanker..' interjects the pianist before launching into a powerful ballad which leaves the manager in tears. The manager through his salty teardrops asks him the title. 'That little number was called "Sometimes when you do a bird up the shitbox you get crap on your bell end.'

    'I see' says the manager, 'Have you got any songs with less offensive titles?' 'Well there's my jazz number "Do you want me to split your ringpiece", or there's the epic "I don't care if you're older my dear, you've still got nice jugs".

    'Look' says the manager interrupting, 'I think you're a superb pianist but the title of your songs are a little "racy". I will hire you on the condition that you do not introduce your songs or speak to the audience.'

    'Fuck it' says the pianist 'Why not'.

    On his first night everything is going superbly the crowd are lapping up his repertoire and his silence is being perceived as modesty. The only thing putting off the pianist is that in the front row there is a gorgeous blonde in a black evening dress with a split up the side revealing the tops of her stockings, and a plunging neckline which boasts a proud and inviting cleavage. During the interval the pianist has got such a stonking hard on that he decides to go to the bog and knock one out. Just as he cums, he hears himself being re-introduced over the tannoy, so he rushes back to the stage and finishes his act. After the show he is at the bar relaxing when the blonde approaches him. 'Hi' she says. 'Hello' he winces, struggling to hold in the expletives. She leans over and whispers in his ear, 'Do you know your cock is hanging out of your trousers, and spunk is dribbling onto your shoes?'

    'Know it?' says the pianist putting his beer on the bar confidently, 'I fucking wrote it!!!'
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Naircuts

    A man and his wife were holidaying in France, and went out to dinner.

    When the waiter arrived, the man said, "I'll have a big, thick steak. Rare."

    The waiter replied, "Monsieur ... what about ze mad cow?"

    "She'll have a salad."
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Johnny wanted to screw a girl in his office ... but she had a boyfriend...

    One day Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said, "I'll give you a $1000 dollars if you let me screw you"
    But the girl said "NO WAY!"
    Johnny said, "I'll be fast, I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, I'll be finished by the time you pick it up"
    She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her boyfriend ... So she called her boyfriend and told him the story.

    Her boyfriend says "Ask him for $2000 dollars, pick up the money very fast,he won't even be able to get his pants down!" So she agrees and accepts the proposal. Half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend to call. Finally after 45 mins the boyfriend calls and asks "What happened?"
    She said "The b*stard used coins!!"




    A family is sitting around the supper table. The son asks his father,
    "Dad, how many kinds of breasts are there?

    The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there are three kinds of
    breasts. In her twenties, a women's breasts are like melons, round and
    firm. In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but
    hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions."

    "Onions?"

    "Yes, see them and they make you cry."

    This infuriated the wife and daughter so the daughter said, "Mum, how many
    kinds of willies are there?"

    The mother, surprised, smiles and looks at her daughter and answers, "Well
    dear, a man goes through three phases. In a man's twenties, his willy is
    like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties, it is a
    birch, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas
    tree."

    "A Christmas tree?"

    "Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration only"
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Lolzabeth wrote:
    Johnny wanted to screw a girl in his office ... but she had a boyfriend...

    One day Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said, "I'll give you a $1000 dollars if you let me screw you"
    But the girl said "NO WAY!"
    Johnny said, "I'll be fast, I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, I'll be finished by the time you pick it up"
    She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her boyfriend ... So she called her boyfriend and told him the story.

    Her boyfriend says "Ask him for $2000 dollars, pick up the money very fast,he won't even be able to get his pants down!" So she agrees and accepts the proposal. Half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend to call. Finally after 45 mins the boyfriend calls and asks "What happened?"
    She said "The b*stard used coins!!"


    hehe, love that one, fucking funny :lol::lol::lol::lol:
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    HOW TO POOP AT WORK

    We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brewing down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work.

    CROP DUSTING: When farting, you walk really fast around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it

    came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.

    FLY BY: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk on in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

    ESCAPEE: A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

    JAILBREAK: When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

    COURTESY FLUSH: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the

    water. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

    WALK OF SHAME: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.

    OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER: A colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.

    THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK(P.F.N): A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the where abouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.

    SAFE HAVENS: A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.

    TURD BURGLAR: Someone who does not realizt realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye

    contact.

    CAMO-COUGH: A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

    ASTAIRE: A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

    WATERMELON: A poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water.

    This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

    HAVANAOMELET: A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.

    UNCLE TED: A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.
  • Teh_GerbilTeh_Gerbil Posts: 13,332 Born on Earth, Raised by The Mix
    my_name wrote:
    HOW TO POOP AT WORK

    We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brewing down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work.

    CROP DUSTING: When farting, you walk really fast around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it

    came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.

    FLY BY: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk on in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

    ESCAPEE: A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

    JAILBREAK: When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

    COURTESY FLUSH: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the

    water. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

    WALK OF SHAME: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.

    OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER: A colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.

    THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK(P.F.N): A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the where abouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.

    SAFE HAVENS: A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.

    TURD BURGLAR: Someone who does not realizt realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye

    contact.

    CAMO-COUGH: A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

    ASTAIRE: A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

    WATERMELON: A poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water.

    This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

    HAVANAOMELET: A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.

    UNCLE TED: A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.


    :lol: Ace. If only it wasnt so long, post of the week tbh.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    So a horse walks into the bar and the bartender says to him, why the long face?

    :lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol:
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    my_name wrote:
    So a horse walks into the bar and the bartender says to him, why the long face?

    :lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol:

    :lol:
  • Indrid ColdIndrid Cold Posts: 16,688 Skive's The Limit
    Since you began with toilets:

    A man enters a stall in a restaurant's toilet and shuts the door. A few seconds later, he hears the guy in the stall next to his say "Hi!". Confused, after a few moments of silence, he says "Hi" too. The man in the next stall asks "What are you doing?" Our guy is annoyed now and says "I'm in a toilet, what do you think I'm doing?"
    A few seconds later, the man from nearby says "So tell me... How about I come over there when I'm done here?" Our guy is now scared, so he decides to play it cool. He says "Look, there's already three of us in this stall, I don't think there would be room for you too."
    And the man from the next stall says "I'll call you again later... There's some idiot in the next stall who replies to everything I say!"
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Zalbor wrote:
    Since you began with toilets:

    A man enters a stall in a restaurant's toilet and shuts the door. A few seconds later, he hears the guy in the stall next to his say "Hi!". Confused, after a few moments of silence, he says "Hi" too. The man in the next stall asks "What are you doing?" Our guy is annoyed now and says "I'm in a toilet, what do you think I'm doing?"
    A few seconds later, the man from nearby says "So tell me... How about I come over there when I'm done here?" Our guy is now scared, so he decides to play it cool. He says "Look, there's already three of us in this stall, I don't think there would be room for you too."
    And the man from the next stall says "I'll call you again later... There's some idiot in the next stall who replies to everything I say!"

    :lol:
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Why Do Men Pee Standing Up???

    God was just about done creating man, but he had two things left over in his bag and He couldn't quite decide how to split them between Adam and Eve. He thought He might just as well ask them. He told them one of the things He had left was a thing that would allow the owner to pee while standing up.
    "It's a very handy thing," God told them, "and I was wondering if either one of you had a preference for it."

    Well, Adam jumped up and down and begged, "Oh, please give that to me! I'd love to be able to do that! It seems like just the sort of thing man should have. Please! Pleeease! Give it to me!" On and on he went, like an excited little boy.

    Eve just smiled and told God that if Adam really
    wanted it so badly, he could have it. So God gave Adam the thing that allowed him to pee standing up.

    Adam was so excited he just started whizzing all over the place first on the side of a rock, then he wrote his name in the sand, and then he tried to see if he could hit a stump ten feet away - laughing with delight all the while.

    God and Eve watched him with amusement and then God said to Eve, "Well, I guess you're kind of stuck with the last thing I have left."

    "What's it called?" asked Eve.

    "Brains," said God.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Little Sarah came home from first grade and told her father that they learned about the history of Valentines Day.

    "And," she told him, "since Valentines Day is for a Christian saint and we're Jewish, " do you think God would get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?"

    Sarah's father thougth for a moment then said, "No, honey, I dont think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a valentine to?"

    "Osama Bin Laden," she replied.

    "Why Osama Bin Laden?" he asked in shock.

    "Well," she said, " I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could have enough love to give Osama a valentine, he might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe sart loving people a little bit. And if other kids saw what I did and then they sent valentines to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place telling everyone how much he loved them and how he didnt hate anyone anymore."

    Her father's heart swelled as he looked at his daughter with new found pride.

    "Sarah, thats the most wonderful thing I've ever heard," her dad said.

    "I know," Sarah said," And once that gets him out in the open, the Marines could blow the shit out of him!"
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Twenty Dollars

    On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband
    and asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly
    aroused state, her husband readily agreed.

    This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than
    30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new
    clothes and other incidentals that she needed.

    Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her
    husband in a very drunken state. During the next few minutes, he
    explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate
    downsizing, and he had been let go. It was unlikely that, at the age of
    59, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what
    he'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.

    Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than thirty
    years of steady deposits and interest totaling nearly $1 million. Then she
    showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth
    over $2 million, and informed him that they were one of the largest
    depositors in the bank. She explained that for the more than three
    decades she had "charged" him for sex, these holdings had multiplied
    and these were the results of her savings and investments.

    Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, her
    husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found
    his voice and blurted out, "If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I
    would have given you all my business!"
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Love Dress

    A woman stopped by unannounced at her recently married
    son's house.

    She rang the doorbell and walked in. She was shocked to
    see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked.
    Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.

    "What are you doing?" she asked.

    "I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work,"
    the daughter-in-law answered.

    "But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.

    This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.

    But you're naked!"

    "My husband loves me to wear this dress". she explained.
    "It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress,
    he instantly becomes romantic, and ravages me for hours on end.
    He can't get enough of me."

    The mother-in-law left. When she got home, she undressed, showered,
    and put the dress on, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights,
    put on a romantic CD, and laid on the couch waiting for her husband to
    arrive.
    Finally her husband came home. He walked in and saw her lying there
    provocatively.

    "What are you doing?" he asked.

    "This is my love dress," she whispered, sensually.

    "Needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner?"
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