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the soap of my life
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
Hi everyone. This is a long story, so I'll break it up in pieces.
Chapter 1 - the beginning: I met this guy when I was 18. We were best friends for 2 years, until he declared that he liked me as more than a friend. At that time I didn't correspond his feelings, but nevertheless after a few months we continued being friends.
Chapter 2 - falling in love: from ages 20 to 21. During this year, our friendship grew closer and closer, and tbh, the boundaries of friendship and being a couple were somewhat blurred. We never kissed, but acted like a couple in pretty much every other way, sharing a certain complicity if you know what I mean. We share a large group of friends, and all of them kept teasing us as to when were we going to start going out, etc. What I felt at that time was that he was the most important person of my life, that he new me better than anyone, that he'd always be there for me no matter what, I admired the hell out of him, and I trusted him completely - but - that I wasn't attracted to him in a sexual way. (I was kidding myself, I know). Eventually things got to a point where it was obvious we had to move on to being a couple... and I panicked. I totally freaked and brushed him away completely.
Chapter 3 - realising it: from ages 21-23 I still saw a lot of him (we share lots of common activities and friends), but there was understandably a lot of distance between us, as I had left him hurt and not understanding what had happened. When I was 23 I started going to therapy (for other reasons) and eventually we got round to talking about him. And thanks to my therapist I was -only then- able to understand what had happened to me during our friendship together: I had been totally and completely in love with him (and still was), but I had never been able to admit it to myself because I was too scared of what it meant. Well, I was so incredibly overwhelmed by the power of the feelings I had just discovered and had been keeping repressed all that time, that I went and told him everything. Yup, just like that, out of the blue, I confessed everything I had felt and was feeling.
Chapter 4 - moving on: Needless to say, it was a great shock to him, he wasn't expecting it at all, and while he was fairly cool about it, he said that his feelings for me had subsided a long time ago. It was too late for me. So of course, I was completely shattered. But really had nothing more to do than pick the pieces of my broken heart and get on with life. After that he started acting distant and cold towards me, and I could tell he was uncomfortable around me. I also tried to stay as far away from him as possible to be able to get over my feelings for him and just move on. This was from ages 23 to 26. During these years, though, he began developing feelings for my best mate (they were also good friends between themselves), and he confessed how he felt for her, but she didn't feel the same way about him, so nothing happened. After this he finally found a gf but ended it after 6 months because he really wasn't into her.
Chapter 5 - The present : age 26. As much as i have tried staying apart from him, circumstances in life just seem to bring us together again and again. And finally, after 3 years, he began to change towards me and he finally relaxed, and he's treating me like a good friend again, which is great. But, at the same time, I get the impression that he really isn't over my friend, I can tell by the way he acts around her and how he looks at her. And in spite of having rejected him once she seems to really be enjoying the attention, which is killing me. But is this really happening or is this just my imagination, my own jealousy playing tricks on me? (My mate knows all my history with this guy, but I don't think she's aware of her own behaviour). So now 2 things have happened: I realise I'm not entirely over him (I'm beginning to think I'll never be)... and i live in constant fear that he and my best mate will end up together... I can cope with him finding another gf, but just not my best mate! That I really really couldn't cope with.
Chapter 6 -the future. Please, please, any advice as to what to do? I think I have enough strength to do whatever is best for me, I just don't know what it is, I don't know in which direction to start walking. I have assumed by now that he will never be indifferent to me, and I can truly say he has been the love of my life. I would be ready to marry him. I'd love to have his children, to grow old together. I just know him too well to not want this. Do I try to seduce him all over again? Do you think I've got any chance after all this? A small part of me still feels I've got a chance, is it stupid to hope? Is it stupid to cling to that hope? On the other hand, if I try to forget about him forever, should I cut him off completely in order to achieve it? In order to cut him off I feel I would have to slice half of my life off as well, as ours are so closely knit together. This would be incredibly hard to do, as I love my life and the people who are in it. Do I do nothing and just watch from the sidelines how he looks at my best mate?
What do you do when you have been in love with someone for 6 years?
What I'm also really scared about is, if things don't work out with him, will I ever feel this strongly about anyone else? I'm afraid I never will :crying:
Chapter 1 - the beginning: I met this guy when I was 18. We were best friends for 2 years, until he declared that he liked me as more than a friend. At that time I didn't correspond his feelings, but nevertheless after a few months we continued being friends.
Chapter 2 - falling in love: from ages 20 to 21. During this year, our friendship grew closer and closer, and tbh, the boundaries of friendship and being a couple were somewhat blurred. We never kissed, but acted like a couple in pretty much every other way, sharing a certain complicity if you know what I mean. We share a large group of friends, and all of them kept teasing us as to when were we going to start going out, etc. What I felt at that time was that he was the most important person of my life, that he new me better than anyone, that he'd always be there for me no matter what, I admired the hell out of him, and I trusted him completely - but - that I wasn't attracted to him in a sexual way. (I was kidding myself, I know). Eventually things got to a point where it was obvious we had to move on to being a couple... and I panicked. I totally freaked and brushed him away completely.
Chapter 3 - realising it: from ages 21-23 I still saw a lot of him (we share lots of common activities and friends), but there was understandably a lot of distance between us, as I had left him hurt and not understanding what had happened. When I was 23 I started going to therapy (for other reasons) and eventually we got round to talking about him. And thanks to my therapist I was -only then- able to understand what had happened to me during our friendship together: I had been totally and completely in love with him (and still was), but I had never been able to admit it to myself because I was too scared of what it meant. Well, I was so incredibly overwhelmed by the power of the feelings I had just discovered and had been keeping repressed all that time, that I went and told him everything. Yup, just like that, out of the blue, I confessed everything I had felt and was feeling.
Chapter 4 - moving on: Needless to say, it was a great shock to him, he wasn't expecting it at all, and while he was fairly cool about it, he said that his feelings for me had subsided a long time ago. It was too late for me. So of course, I was completely shattered. But really had nothing more to do than pick the pieces of my broken heart and get on with life. After that he started acting distant and cold towards me, and I could tell he was uncomfortable around me. I also tried to stay as far away from him as possible to be able to get over my feelings for him and just move on. This was from ages 23 to 26. During these years, though, he began developing feelings for my best mate (they were also good friends between themselves), and he confessed how he felt for her, but she didn't feel the same way about him, so nothing happened. After this he finally found a gf but ended it after 6 months because he really wasn't into her.
Chapter 5 - The present : age 26. As much as i have tried staying apart from him, circumstances in life just seem to bring us together again and again. And finally, after 3 years, he began to change towards me and he finally relaxed, and he's treating me like a good friend again, which is great. But, at the same time, I get the impression that he really isn't over my friend, I can tell by the way he acts around her and how he looks at her. And in spite of having rejected him once she seems to really be enjoying the attention, which is killing me. But is this really happening or is this just my imagination, my own jealousy playing tricks on me? (My mate knows all my history with this guy, but I don't think she's aware of her own behaviour). So now 2 things have happened: I realise I'm not entirely over him (I'm beginning to think I'll never be)... and i live in constant fear that he and my best mate will end up together... I can cope with him finding another gf, but just not my best mate! That I really really couldn't cope with.
Chapter 6 -the future. Please, please, any advice as to what to do? I think I have enough strength to do whatever is best for me, I just don't know what it is, I don't know in which direction to start walking. I have assumed by now that he will never be indifferent to me, and I can truly say he has been the love of my life. I would be ready to marry him. I'd love to have his children, to grow old together. I just know him too well to not want this. Do I try to seduce him all over again? Do you think I've got any chance after all this? A small part of me still feels I've got a chance, is it stupid to hope? Is it stupid to cling to that hope? On the other hand, if I try to forget about him forever, should I cut him off completely in order to achieve it? In order to cut him off I feel I would have to slice half of my life off as well, as ours are so closely knit together. This would be incredibly hard to do, as I love my life and the people who are in it. Do I do nothing and just watch from the sidelines how he looks at my best mate?
What do you do when you have been in love with someone for 6 years?
What I'm also really scared about is, if things don't work out with him, will I ever feel this strongly about anyone else? I'm afraid I never will :crying:
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Comments
If it's all wrong, and doesn't work out, then i'd say it's time to get this guy out of your life somehow and walk away - i know that would be absolute torture for a start, but there's light at the end of the tunnel.
But think of this. Imagine by some chance that it is right, and that it does happen. Imagine how happy you guys would be knowing what you've been through to get where you are? Even if it's the smallest chance ever, that's gotta be worth the risk. It could be the end. But you could get everything you've ever wanted since you were 18.....
People say that all the time on here but in your case i suspect there's a whole world of truth to that.
Agreed. This is an exceptional case.....
There is always light at the end of the tunnel, its just the lenght of the tunnel that changes.
To be honest that is a tough situation but i think it boils down to a make or break decision. :yes: I would say go for it one more time even though it will be really hard and if he still doesnt feel that he has the same feelings for you as you for him, as hard as it will be you might have to let him go...... for the sake of your sanity, you will never be able to move on if you still hold onto someone who doesnt love you the same way back and its not fair either. I am sure you are a lovely person, you deserve to be happy and sitting there getting upset about something you cant change isnt worth the heart ache.
Sorry if that is harsh but sometimes things are just not meant to be.
Good luck hun and keep us posted!
Cherry xxx
As you can see this story has been going on for so long it has worn me out, and I tend to lose perspective of things.
It's true what you've said, and scarlettleeds, you're absolutely right about me putting him in a pedestal and thinking I'll never love anybody else - that will only happen if I let it happen. I had never looked at it like that before.
I don't think I have the strength to talk to him just now... but i will start gathering it up I guess..
Thanks again.
I think that the problem was that guys are less mature than women during their early teens (13-18) but it seems the other way around from ages 18-25. It seems that young women are overwhelmed with so many possibilities and attention! It just appears to me that they aren't really sure what they want exactly or they haven't worked it all out... Maybe why it didn't work out for me and maybe the reason you didn't choose him?
Well, all that was some kind of philosophy but you want concrete reasons or actions. When you discovered that you really did love him and he appeared to react badly, well... It must have been traumatic for him to be reminded of all the feelings he wanted to give you (but that you rejected the first time). Also, between 18-23 there have obviously been other lovers in your life and I imagine you had a pretty "wild" life... Maybe now you feel more settled and less "wild" life and suddenly you want him. It would annoy me, to feel you've had all this other "fun" to suddenly change your mind and choose me as a good option.
Maybe the above is all conjecture or just my experiences that don't apply at all but I feel I might be right.
There is an article that i came across that is not particularly useful to your situation because you have both expressed your feelings to one another with slightly mismatched timing, but i think the message of the last paragraph is crucial- don't shy away from him as he is already a part of your life. But like it has already been said don't allow the feelings you had for him to be the guide you measure all other relationships with.
Thanks