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Am I being unreasonable?

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
I got pissed off at my boyfriend (of 11months) on Friday, we were meant to be going swimming together. I'd seen him weds/thurs, and he decided he was going to stay at home instead to "work+play" on Friday but said he'd take me out Sunday, which I pointed out was Mothers Day so I couldn't. The response to that came across like he was thinking "oh well, nevermind" and I told him that. We had a minor argument with him not wanting me to make him choose between things, whilst I was actually bothered about him not seeming to care whether he saw me or not, not the fact that his computer game won over me, although that does sting a little. :yeees:

Since then, I've replied to the text he sent me Sunday ("Is it normal to argue this much?" and this morning ("how's your week been?") but not made any moves to see him, and he hasn't asked to see me. He knows I want him to ask to see me more, but obviously if I remind him of that he's not doing it off his own back, he's just doing it because I told him to, so it doesn't mean anything.

Normally I'd stick to my guns, but I go off on Friday for my DofE expedition and come back Monday evening, and I'm not sure he realises it's this weekend. So do I tell him I'm not around Friday and pretty much force him to see me tomorrow (or assume he truly isn't bothered and wants to end it) or do I just leave it and if by some strange mix up somewhere he does ask to see me on Friday, tell him it's too late? :confused:

Sorry, that turned out longer than I expected, give yourself a pat on the back or a cookie or something if you got this far. :cool:

Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Sort it out before DofE

    You need a good head to get through that, trust me.

    Kids dropped out because they couldnt mentally hack it and with relationships making things worse it wont be helpful.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    But I can't see how forcing him to see me tomorrow is going to help with the him asking me because he wants to see me for the sake of seeing me? That's the problem, although this is the longest I've gone without seeing him and I do miss him like mad :(

    I never ever get the impression he's not bothered when I'm with him, and he always comes if I ask (I didn't on Friday, but I could have) it's just getting him to ask that seems to be a problem.

    Maybe if I give it until tomorrow evening (I'm busy for the first part anyway, although he could come with) and if he still hasn't said anything I can text him then?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    There are no rules. I don't mean to sound critical but it sounds like you really like him and no one would think less of you if you texted him. Go with how you feel at the time.
  • **helen****helen** Deactivated Posts: 9,235 Supreme Poster
    Normally I'd stick to my guns, but I go off on Friday for my DofE expedition and come back Monday evening, and I'm not sure he realises it's this weekend. So do I tell him I'm not around Friday and pretty much force him to see me tomorrow (or assume he truly isn't bothered and wants to end it) or do I just leave it and if by some strange mix up somewhere he does ask to see me on Friday, tell him it's too late? :confused:

    Hi Kate,
    I'm sorry to hear you are going through a rough patch in your relationship. We can't tell you exactly what to do - but here are a few things to consider.

    Are you happy in this relationship most of the time - is it worth rescuing? If yes then you might want to think about trying and keep the upper hand here, and by this I mean acting reasonably even when he isn't. If you choose to do this then it's important that you keep the lines of communication open - see this article . By this I mean being completely straight with your boyfriend and not "assuming" anything, not leaving things down to "some strange mix up" - is this really the way we should behave with someone we are in love with , want to be with or want to feel close to? IMHO making assumptions or leaving things to fate can create more distance or bad feeling between a couple.

    If your boyfriend does decide that he can't see you before you go to DofE then you could just let him know that you are gutted without giving him the guilt trip. If he accuses you of trying to make him feel guity then let him know that you feel hurt that he would suggest such a thing when you are his girlfriend - afterall, what's wrong/unusual about wanting to see your boyfriend before you go away for a hardcore expedition? Perhaps big him up and casually say you feel it would relax you or de-stress you to see him before you leave - but I can see you are not the kind of person to beg and that's a very good thing.

    He might make plans to see you, but if you only get negative responses from him, then you might have to decide whether you want to continue with the relationship - but that's for you to decide - only you know what your limits are and if your history together has seen you come out of this kind of thing before.

    Good luck and take good care of yourself.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    see him before you go away to clear the air.

    however i don't really see what the problem is and you argued because you didn't go swimming together?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    however i don't really see what the problem is and you argued because you didn't go swimming together?

    We argued because he cancelled on seeing me, suggested an alternate date which I couldn't do, and then he didn't seem in the slightest bit bothered about arranging something else. I didn't want to go swimming that much.

    I sent him a text this morning asking if he was ever going to ask to see me, and reminding him that I go away first thing tomorrow morning. The one I got back said that he'd planned on texting me to meet up tonight.. call me a sceptic but I don't quite believe that! :chin:

    So I am supposedly seeing him tonight, even though I have the horses, shopping and packing to do, (can't start that until 6ish), have to have a bath and want to have an early night! And he's just announced he's working late :rolleyes:

    It's definately worth saving and much much worse has happened, it just seems like it's too much like hard work for him at the moment, which makes it harder for me. :yeees:
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    doesnt sound like you've got time to see him tonite, so maybe dont see him+suggest to him he works on his effort in the relationship. Tell him basically what you said in the last line of your last post!
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    it all sounds a bit overdramatic and doing things over texts will only make things worse. you need to give him a chance. its not up to him to do all the chasing. you're in a relationship and if you want to see him then you should tell him. by asking him if he's ever going to ask to see you, you are creating conflict and will probably end up pushing him away if you haven't already.

    eta: he's not psychic. you need to tell him how you feel and what you want, rather than expecting him to know.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    He knows full well what I want, I've told him before. I don't see why I should always have to tell him I want to see him, if we are really in a relationship it should work both ways. He knew he upset me over the weekend, although I have a feeling he thinks it's my fault for reading into things and I should know better, else he would have apologised.

    I agree that texting isn't ideal, but it seems to be the only way to get things across to him at the moment. Last time we talked (in person) about something remotely similar all he could say was "I don't know". It isn't helped by the fact that the second I see him I tend to forget all about being pissed off. :rolleyes:

    Sugar_mouse, I agree I'm stretched for time, but if I don't see him tonight and sort it out I'll spend the whole weekend in a messed up state wondering about it, which isn't a good idea!
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    you asked people for their opinions. here's mine...

    well first off how old are you?

    you're sounding a little bit immature in that you're like 'i didn't actually really want to go swimming but omg he cancelled'. he's trying to make the effort to see you (though you didn't believe he would've unless you'd got in touch with him - give the guy a break!) but you're busy. which is fair do but you can't have issues with him not being able to see you when when he tries, you're busy too.

    i don't reallllly see that you've anything to be pissed off at. sorry!
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    18, and it wasn't that he cancelled, it was that he didn't seem in the slightest bit bothered about not seeing me then or any other day. Ok so he asked, which is the first time in ages, but then he gave up instantly when I said I was busy.

    I sorted it out with him tonight anyway, so will see what happens from here on.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hi Kate,

    It seems like you've sorted things now, but from what i've read your situation seems a lot like the way I feel with my girlfriend.

    Like you said, it's not the fact that something was cancelled, it's that it always seems to be you doing the running, and it feels like if you sat back and decided to not to make the first moves all the time, then you would end up never seeing him.

    With me, I feel that it's always me making time for her, i'm always the one changing my plans and making sure I can see her, sorting out something to do and asking her to go places (shopping, cinema, the pub etc) If I didn't then I don't think anything would happen. If there's a significant amount of time where we can't see each other, then she seems to not care. In fact most times I think she's happier not seeing me than seeing me, whereas I clearly miss her.

    In the end you start feeling that maybe they just don't care about you and enjoy their time on their own so much that maybe you should just make it permanent.

    Sorry, not really much help, but it seems like we are/have gone through similar things. Talking about how I felt helped. It's hard trying to bring something like this up because you know it's going to cause an argument, or some ill feeling, but it has to be done.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    red_jelly wrote:
    Hi Kate,

    It seems like you've sorted things now, but from what i've read your situation seems a lot like the way I feel with my girlfriend.

    Like you said, it's not the fact that something was cancelled, it's that it always seems to be you doing the running, and it feels like if you sat back and decided to not to make the first moves all the time, then you would end up never seeing him.
    then why don't you just stop doing the chasing and see what happens?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    when you've been together for 11 months, i think most people can go without seeing each other for a little while, or not be gutted when they're other half can't make it. If it was only a couple of weeks, then I would understand.

    I don't mean to sound like I don't empathsize, but don't be too harsh on the guy. Or if it's really bothering you, do what lipsy suggested and stop doing the chasing for a while.
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