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Will we ever reach the next step or are we already over?
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
I'm sorry if this goes on a bit but I've been thinking abotu this for quite a while now and tonight it's got me really upset (and not for the first time).
My and my bf met at the end of the first year of uni, it was great at the start, we fell in love pretty quickly and spent all our time together.
After almost two years we broke up on 28th Feb last year.
We had both begun our final year together however he fell really behind really quickly and at xmas decided to defer the second and third terms of his final year for a year, i however continued on and found final year really hard, i was a complete stessy wreck most of the year and not too much fun to be around, especially as he was free to go out and had no uni work to do. This led to arguments and as i worried i wasnt going to get the marks i needed for a 2:1 my confidence fell dramatically. I have always been insecure about my appearance and have always felt he is much more attractive then me and of course this has caused us some problems in the past but nothing too major, however in feb it was too much for him and we split.
I was heartbroken but lived, came home from uni and got all my coursework and dissertation done, lost some weight, made some new friends and life seemed to be getting better, i approached my exams positively and did really well. The change in me was obvious and after 3 months of little contact when i started seeing my then ex-bf a bit more often he realised he wanted to give it another go.
Whilst I was thrilled inside I was really unsure about whether it was a good idea to begin with, he had slept with certain people whilst we were apart and it was clear that whilst i had been pineing over him he had been certain we were over for good and done as he liked. That hurt a bit and hard for me to deal with, however he hadnt done anything wrong and things like that were not teh reason we originally split.
There was also the fact that my only reason to stay up north when i graduated had disappeared when we finished and i was all set to move back home to london. However we decided to give it another go, and i have to admit his enthusiasm and constant attention were what convinced me, he seemed so certain it was what he wanted more the anything in the world, he talked of us having a future together, a family, everything, he said he'd leave uni (he hated it anyway) for me but i didnt want that.
I moved home, and he stayed where he was.
I was hard for me to get over the other girls, very hard, but he was patient, the issue pasted and at first i really didnt mind travelling the four hours it took to see him every weekend, but as the summer turned to autumn and i had to get a job things started to change. We slipped back into the comfy zone pretty quickly, the amazing effort he initially had made to win me back died done and it dawned on me that i needed to start to get my life together, find a career and earn some money.
And here we are now 8 months on and i dont know where i stand at all.
Having split up once i dont feel the security i did first time around, then i never imagined us breaking up, now i know it can happen.
I'm also waiting for him, my entire lifes on hold for him, i feel like i cant make any real plans because i dont know where im going to be come septemeber. A couple who we are friends with have been together a much shorter time then us and theyve moved in together, both have good jobs straight from uni and seem to have it made, i keep thinking of them and feeling so jealous.
My bf wont think about the future i have tried to discuss it with him but he just says that being realistic, come june he'll have to move home like i did last june for financial reasons and that he has no idea how long itll take befre he has the money to live with me. When I compair our situation to the other couple he points out the obviosu differences such as the fact they have landed straight on their feet, already had savings and a car each, but i am starting to worry that maybe thatll never be us. Mayeb we've gone past the stage where you move in together and make the commitment, and just didnt realise it and now its too late.
He's from a city up north so him going home wont bring us any closer together, and i dont know if i can just sit here waiting indeffinately, especially if the commitment is never going to happen.
A career is the most important thing to me, its what i want the most and how i will measure my success. straigth from uni i didnt have a clue what i was goign to do but now after doing some research I am seriously thinking about applying to do either a masters in museum studies or a PGCE this september to begin 2007, but even thats proving me with problems because i dont even know which city to apply to, im scared that if i decide upon the city he is from and we break up ill have moved there just to be with him and be stuck, however i know he doesnt ever want to live in london.
Ultimately i feel liek chosing to stay in london would break us up as it would be a sign i was unwilling to move for him, but if i did opt for ANYWHERE else i could end up moving to a new city alone.
I dont know exactly what i want people to say, im not really asking any questions i just felt like i had to share all these doubts and worries that keep going round and ound in my head because whilst i have brought this up with my bf a couple of times in the last couple of months ive ended up feeling really really bad for it. He means a lot to me and i am scared of losing him, not in the same way i used to be because i know i would meet someone else eventually and i know i can cope without him, but because he is him, and id miss having him to talk to and him being *my* bf, i say i could meet someon else but i cant imagine myself ebign with anyoen else, and the idea of him with someone else makes me feel physically sick...i felt bad after sharing these feelings with him because he said he felt really pressured by what i was presetning him with, he said in theeory hed like to live with me but in all honesty the idea of living with anyone terrifys him, that we are still really young (21 and 23) and that financially he just plain and simple cant promise me anything concrete because he has literally NO money in the world.
I respect his honesty and appreciate him being blunt rather then lying and saying "yeah come june ill def move to london" if he has no intention too, but his apprioach to life seems so short sighted, and in all fairness this time last year i couldnt think past my uni workload either but not knowing where i stand and for how long im going to be waiting for him si really hard.
Can anyone offer me any words of advice at all, tell me what im doing wrong, or hwo to resolve any of this, give me your experiences, anything at all cos its doing my head in.
How do i know when to put my life first, if i should decide where i want to go to study and make him come along or just keepin waiting
How do i know if because we have got back together its doomed to never work because we are both jaded?
My and my bf met at the end of the first year of uni, it was great at the start, we fell in love pretty quickly and spent all our time together.
After almost two years we broke up on 28th Feb last year.
We had both begun our final year together however he fell really behind really quickly and at xmas decided to defer the second and third terms of his final year for a year, i however continued on and found final year really hard, i was a complete stessy wreck most of the year and not too much fun to be around, especially as he was free to go out and had no uni work to do. This led to arguments and as i worried i wasnt going to get the marks i needed for a 2:1 my confidence fell dramatically. I have always been insecure about my appearance and have always felt he is much more attractive then me and of course this has caused us some problems in the past but nothing too major, however in feb it was too much for him and we split.
I was heartbroken but lived, came home from uni and got all my coursework and dissertation done, lost some weight, made some new friends and life seemed to be getting better, i approached my exams positively and did really well. The change in me was obvious and after 3 months of little contact when i started seeing my then ex-bf a bit more often he realised he wanted to give it another go.
Whilst I was thrilled inside I was really unsure about whether it was a good idea to begin with, he had slept with certain people whilst we were apart and it was clear that whilst i had been pineing over him he had been certain we were over for good and done as he liked. That hurt a bit and hard for me to deal with, however he hadnt done anything wrong and things like that were not teh reason we originally split.
There was also the fact that my only reason to stay up north when i graduated had disappeared when we finished and i was all set to move back home to london. However we decided to give it another go, and i have to admit his enthusiasm and constant attention were what convinced me, he seemed so certain it was what he wanted more the anything in the world, he talked of us having a future together, a family, everything, he said he'd leave uni (he hated it anyway) for me but i didnt want that.
I moved home, and he stayed where he was.
I was hard for me to get over the other girls, very hard, but he was patient, the issue pasted and at first i really didnt mind travelling the four hours it took to see him every weekend, but as the summer turned to autumn and i had to get a job things started to change. We slipped back into the comfy zone pretty quickly, the amazing effort he initially had made to win me back died done and it dawned on me that i needed to start to get my life together, find a career and earn some money.
And here we are now 8 months on and i dont know where i stand at all.
Having split up once i dont feel the security i did first time around, then i never imagined us breaking up, now i know it can happen.
I'm also waiting for him, my entire lifes on hold for him, i feel like i cant make any real plans because i dont know where im going to be come septemeber. A couple who we are friends with have been together a much shorter time then us and theyve moved in together, both have good jobs straight from uni and seem to have it made, i keep thinking of them and feeling so jealous.
My bf wont think about the future i have tried to discuss it with him but he just says that being realistic, come june he'll have to move home like i did last june for financial reasons and that he has no idea how long itll take befre he has the money to live with me. When I compair our situation to the other couple he points out the obviosu differences such as the fact they have landed straight on their feet, already had savings and a car each, but i am starting to worry that maybe thatll never be us. Mayeb we've gone past the stage where you move in together and make the commitment, and just didnt realise it and now its too late.
He's from a city up north so him going home wont bring us any closer together, and i dont know if i can just sit here waiting indeffinately, especially if the commitment is never going to happen.
A career is the most important thing to me, its what i want the most and how i will measure my success. straigth from uni i didnt have a clue what i was goign to do but now after doing some research I am seriously thinking about applying to do either a masters in museum studies or a PGCE this september to begin 2007, but even thats proving me with problems because i dont even know which city to apply to, im scared that if i decide upon the city he is from and we break up ill have moved there just to be with him and be stuck, however i know he doesnt ever want to live in london.
Ultimately i feel liek chosing to stay in london would break us up as it would be a sign i was unwilling to move for him, but if i did opt for ANYWHERE else i could end up moving to a new city alone.
I dont know exactly what i want people to say, im not really asking any questions i just felt like i had to share all these doubts and worries that keep going round and ound in my head because whilst i have brought this up with my bf a couple of times in the last couple of months ive ended up feeling really really bad for it. He means a lot to me and i am scared of losing him, not in the same way i used to be because i know i would meet someone else eventually and i know i can cope without him, but because he is him, and id miss having him to talk to and him being *my* bf, i say i could meet someon else but i cant imagine myself ebign with anyoen else, and the idea of him with someone else makes me feel physically sick...i felt bad after sharing these feelings with him because he said he felt really pressured by what i was presetning him with, he said in theeory hed like to live with me but in all honesty the idea of living with anyone terrifys him, that we are still really young (21 and 23) and that financially he just plain and simple cant promise me anything concrete because he has literally NO money in the world.
I respect his honesty and appreciate him being blunt rather then lying and saying "yeah come june ill def move to london" if he has no intention too, but his apprioach to life seems so short sighted, and in all fairness this time last year i couldnt think past my uni workload either but not knowing where i stand and for how long im going to be waiting for him si really hard.
Can anyone offer me any words of advice at all, tell me what im doing wrong, or hwo to resolve any of this, give me your experiences, anything at all cos its doing my head in.
How do i know when to put my life first, if i should decide where i want to go to study and make him come along or just keepin waiting
How do i know if because we have got back together its doomed to never work because we are both jaded? 0
Comments
Its a tad unclear why you split up in the first place, that a side I take it you didnt meet/see anyone else in your time apart?
I dont know what to say or advice really, but in my eyes you are being foolish. You have invested your life into uni to get a degree to get a job, not wait hand and foot for something that probably wont happen, I find the biggest mistake people make is giving up their career for a relationship especially when its in such an early stage like this.
If I was in your shoes; (you graduated havent you?) Id get a job so you get some money, do a part time masters if need be and possibly move back home? I dont know if this is an option or what have you but it can help financially and if you have family they can support you, in a non financial sense. Dont look at what others have got or how ever they have worked out, especially dont be jealous!!! lol focus on yourself.
Well, dunno what else to say tbh - I can relate to how you feel especially the making you physically sick part, I find that even if it hurts its important you dont fuck yourself up, waiting like a dog for a bone (which is what youre doing) is a straight path to fucked ville <<< a town you dont want to visit!
Good luck.
Sorry if it wasnt clear, i did kinda start to see someone else went on a couple fo dates but nothign serious and knew id rather give it another go with the ex then try with the new guy.
I have graduated yeah.
And i have moved back home, in with my mum, and got a crappy job and have started saving up money, ill have enough to make to move out by septemeber...its just whetehr he will.