Take a risk?

Former Member

I'm currently in a long term realtionship (almost 5 years) I've been with him since I was 15 and he has been talking about further commitments e.g. engagment, being together forever etc and although I've been with him for so long I don't know if I want the same.

I don't find him as attractive as I used to and I often wonder if things could be more exciting with someone else seeing as he's been my one and only real boyfriend. He is lovely to me but feel like it is almost turning into a friendship.

These feelings have probably been exaggerated by the fact that I've recently met someone at uni. We are just friends at the moment but I know he wants more and I would feel the same if I was single. He gives me that "butterfly in stomach" feeling that my boyfriend doesn't give me anymore. He's good looking and we have more in common than my boyfriend who is supportive but we are doing completely different things with our lives.

Confused what I should do? Work at things? Take a risk with the new guy?

Former Member

i think possibly you got into your relationship with your boyfriend a bit young, ive been there done that. and i also know the feeling to be in that relationship and have someone else give me that butterlies feeling. i broke up with the boyfriend but gave myself some time on my own, only to realise i didnt want either of them. at the same time though, every relationship settles down and the excitement of being with someone new is tempting, the grass isnt always greener though.
i think you need to spend some time away from both of them and figure out what it is you really want.

Former Member

Sound advice Sugar, I would also advise you to step back for a while and really think about what you want and how you feel towards them both. All relationships settle down after a while some quicker then other and the excitement of being with someone new seem to be tempting, however do you really want to be with this other guy or are you just craving excitment, is it possible to reintroduce this into you relationship with your boyfriend.

Five years is a long time and to throw it away without any real thought would be wrong. It is possible though that you have both naturally grown apart as throughout your teens and early 20's most people are still learn who there are. University does often cause people to grow and change.

Former Member

I got married at 19 to a 24 year old, we had both been round the block a few times and when we met it was a match made in heaven. Problem was, I regreted not having 'lived' more and I think that (in conjunction with mental health issues) doomed the relationship.
Though we are seperated we get along still and I really miss her, but I knew if I had stayed in I would have only spent the rest of my life wondering about 'What ifs'.

However great your man may be, you can't appreciate it until you get more experiences to compare it too. These may well be bad times, but its human nature to not get closure until you find out first hand.

Former Member

But if I have time alone and work out what I want I could end up regretting what I may have missed out on! Confusing! I suppose it's better to regret what you've done than what you haven't but I just dnt want to make a mistake and end up unhappy without anyone!

Former Member

To tell the truth, that you are getting the butterflies from someone else says more about your current relationship than anything.

What's wrong with it? Be honest with yourself. Work out what things are wrong with the relationship. Work out what things are right with the relationship. Work out how to fix the things that are wrong. Work out if you want to fix the things that are wrong.

To be honest I wouldn't take a risk with this guy, because I think this guy is a symptom, nothing more. Expend your energy on your current relationship first, because that is where you are at now. Don't just give up on it without a fight.

If you decide that you don't want to fix what's wrong, or you don't think they can be fixed, then fair enough. But sit down as a couple and work things through first. You owe your boyfriend that much, in all honesty.

Don't just throw it away. Work out why you want to.

As for not living more, it really isn't everything its cracked up to be.

As for sex, you don't keep the same spark after five years as you do after five minutes. It's impossible to keep the same thrill of the unknown. Don't spend your life chasing something you can't achieve.

I'm not saying don't decide to end it, if you feel that's best. But be aware you are throwing away an awful lot, and you have very little guarantee of anything else being better. Be very much aware you could well sleep around for 18 months, and then work out you've tossed away the best thing you ever had. The pain of throwing away something is worse than a what if from a man you don't know, and probably don't even like that much anyway.

Former Member

do you want to feel the way you do about your current boyf for the rest of your life?
I lived with my first proper boyfriend from the age of 16 to 19 and although I loved that guy to bits for the first couple of years, after that it felt more like the friendship you describe. I felt like we`d grown up together and learnt a lot, but i really wanted to move on and was starting to notice other people more. I felt so guilty though but had to do it. I ummed and ahhed about it, trying to get people to tell me this was what all relationships were like, and even wished i could get a lobotomy at one point to stop me thinking like that, but once its gone, its gone tbh.
Relationships do end, especially relationships started while so young, but its not a waste at all.
I hope you make a decision which feels right for you.

Former Member

yeah, people do quite often outgrow each other, and it's ok. it happens, it's nobody's fault.

it can be scary thinking about leaving someone you've been with so long, especially if you still really like them and they are good to you. but personally i don't believe in settling for anyone you're not totally crazy about.

do you want to spend the rest of your life with someone you quite like who is sweet and reliable? it's not a bad choice - you could do loads worse, but i know i'd prefer the chance to spend to rest of my life with someone i was completely in love with.

don't rush anything, you'll come to the best decision at some point, but don't let fear of the unknown keep you in a relationship that isn't right.

Former Member

Kermit wrote:

(all of it)

I'll agree with this completely. The grass isnt always greener and all that.

Former Member

kaffrin wrote:

don't rush anything, you'll come to the best decision at some point, but don't let fear of the unknown keep you in a relationship that isn't right.

That's exactly right, and not something I emphasised enough I don't think.

Don't stay with him because. But don't rush into this other man. And don't cheat.

Former Member

i actually was in a really, really similar situation a few years back. i'd been with the guy forever. we were even engaged. after a couple of years, my heart was not in it at all, but i stuck with him for ages, figuring i might never find anyone else, he was nice enough, my family really liked him, yadda yadda.

then i met someone who made me all giggly and girly and breathless in a way that i'd really been missing. more than the normal mini-crushes you get on people even when you're happy as larry in a relationship. i was head-over-heels. so i left my ex. and everyone was all 'my god! you idiot' cause this new guy was all wrong and not into me enough and all that jazz.

but it turned out to be the best decision i ever made. new guy stuck around all of 2 seconds, but that wasn't the point. the point was that if someone else could make me feel that way, then i definitely wasn't into my ex in the way i should have been to marry him.

a few months later i met the man i hope i'm with forever. and if i hadn't have made that seemingly crazy, impulsive decision, i never would have known him.

so yeah, maybe i'm influenced by the way it worked out for me, but i reckon if it could work out that way for me, it could work that way for anyone.