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Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
I have been dating a guy for almost 5 years we have been really serious for 3 and have been talking about marriage. but lately we have been fighting frequently. I have realized that we have less in common than I thought and I am wondering if we are going to be able to work things out.
It started on Friday when I smoked pot with his sister (one of my good friends) I hadn't gotten high in 4 years but wanted to see what it was like again. I knew he wouldn't like it but I did it anyway, I told him the next morning and he was extremely angry and told me how I am ruining my life, how stupid it was, and how he can't trust me anymore. He told me I have 6 months to regain his trust or its over (he is going into the army in 6 months).
That has got me thinking maybe we aren't right for each other. I don't want to be a pothead it was a mistake, but I am very easygoing and when I get mad I forgive easily, he doesn't. An arguement we have frequently centers around I really want children and he hates kids. He doesn't understand my profession, teaching, he thinks that I am just a babysitter. I don't share his love of guns or videogames. But we have been together so long we both love each other very much and have great sexual chemistry. He says no matter what he'll always love me and I know I'll love him. I am afraid if I don't make this work I will find anyone as good as him. Please help me out. :(


  • **helen****helen** Mod malarkist Posts: 9,235 Listening Ear
    Hi there,

    Five years is a long time to be with someone and it's no wonder you are feeling confused and quite upset about the recent direction your relationship seems to have taken. Only you can decide what is best for you in the long run - but here are some of the things that might get in the way of you deciding whether or not you will be happy to stay in this relationship.

    scared of being single is often a reason people may stay in a relationship for longer than they are happy. Secondly, Sometimes people find it really difficult to make the effort to really communicate with their partner - it can be easy to start to believe that becasue you have known each other for such a long time, talking about your problems should be easy, but even couples who have been together for 20 years plus often have to work hard to get through hard times. Finally you have hit on one of the key issues in a relationship which is of course trust. From what you say, it sounds as if your boyfriend saying that he doesn't trust you could well be related to him being unhappy with other things, and he could possibly be using it as an excuse for not revealing his true feelings. Also - you say he says its down to you to regain his trust, but actually it's very unfair for him to declare this ultimatum (especially if as you say it was a one off experience with pot). It is also seems unfair for him to suggest that the future of your relationship is resting on your shoulders. Remember -if you are doing the best you can and he still doesn't like it then it doesn't mean that you have failed, it simply means that you probably aren't right for each other.

    I hope you manage to work out what is best for you - there really is no easy way to tackle issues so close to our hearts, but it sounds as if you are a perceptive, well balanced person and will do your best to find what is right for both of you - whether that means you stay together or not.

    Good luck ;)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hey, countrygirl. Of course this is really personal stuff and no-one but you can decide what to do. But from my point of view I think there are serious problems in this relationship if you're planning to get married. The pot thing that just hapenned isn't the most important of all, I find the issue about children to be quite relevant, as you'll probably want to have them once you're married and maybe he won't. Also, about your profession, if he doesn't respect what you do I think that's serious. And, forgive me, but not get the importance of teaching? How can anyone not understand this?

    I believe these to be central issues of you're thinking of spending the rest of your life with this person. Also, if he says you have 6 months to regain your trust or if not it's over... it isn't very comforting is it, and he's contradicting himself with what he said about loving you no matter what.

    I know this is really difficult stuff to deal with, and I relate to the feeling of being afraid no-one will ever love you the same way, believe me, I've been there, but I find this is a fear many people have when they break up, but I can almost guarantee you'll get over it. Please, please don't think no-one else will love you, because it's not true, and also because its an attitude that will only get you to settle for someone instead of getting what you really deserve.

    Good Luck!
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I. He told me I have 6 months to regain his trust or its over

    Regain his trust from what, exactly? You told him you smoked some pot, you didn't cover anything up. Anyway, it's your body not his.

    I don't want to be a pothead it was a mistake,

    Jeez. Sounds like he has you brainwashed, smoking pot every four years doesn't make you a "pothead"
    I really want children and he hates kids.
    That's a problem that you really can't avoid. Very few people know for sure that they will *never* wants kids. Give it a few years, and if he's still adament he doesn't want them, and you still do (your feelings may change with time) then it's time to quit.
    he thinks that I am just a babysitter.
    He likes guns and videogames. I wouldn't worry.
    great sexual chemistry.
    ...is no reason just to stay with someone.
    I am afraid if I don't make this work I will find anyone as good as him.

    You shouldn't stay with him just because you're afraid to take a chance on anyone else. Think a mod already said that.

    Just my humble thoughts.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Tell the prick to get a life!
  • Jamie LJamie L Sys Manager *eek* Posts: 129 Settling in
    I have to mimic the other peoples comments - but one thing I would add is that ultimatums should not be tolerated in any relationship. I for one would quickly vacate the scenario should I be encountering it.

    Best of luck to you


    [edited to correct spelling]
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