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Giving but not receiving

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
I have mentioned this a few times before, so I won’t go into detail, but basically… Since the start of my relationship with me gf I have given her oral regularly as she enjoys it so much. I always said that I didn’t give to receive, but if she wanted to it would be most welcome. Time went on and I was still giving her what she wanted (2-3 times a week) but not getting anything in return. We spoke, I said that I do want it and I think it would be nice if she gave it a try. Many more months passed and the situation was still the same. Every time I bring up the subject now I get arguments and given the silent treatment (not at the same time obviously), so I have stopped mentioning it.

The thing is, she has never asked me specifically to do it to her, I mentioned it once and she said I could try if I wanted, she loved it, keeps telling me it’s her favourite thing so I’ve just kept on doing it.

What I’m thinking now, because I’m not getting it in return, and I just can’t talk to her about it anymore, is to just stop doing it to her. I’m not going to tell her, I’m just going to stop and see what happens.

What I want to know is whether this is fair or not (for me to do this). I know I don’t give to receive, but I have my limits! I know the sensible thing to do is to talk about it, but I’ve tried and it causes so many problems I’ve just given up.

What do you guys think? Am I right to not give her any if I don’t get any? Am I being a bit petty?

Thanks.
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Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Are you saying that because you have given her some and you are not recieving any back that you would LIKE to get something back, or do you actually WANT to get something back? Its just because you had mentioned in the beginning that you didn't want to recieve any, so thats why im asking.

    Its cool to change your mind on things; what you wanted in the beginning may change (which it seems it has for you) and thats cool. But I think you need to be sure what you want and the reasons why you want it. Like I said, is it because you have been giving your gf some and feel a little left out, or is it something that you really want? From that, you will be able to decide which direction to approach this situation.

    I don't think it is wise to just stop doing it to her, you defo need to talk to her about your decision and why, even if she gets a strop, then at least its out in the air and she can't think otherwise on things.

    Hope I make sense and it kinda helps.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    No, I have always said I wanted it (and always have). She told me at the begining that she was nervous and would do it, but it would take her time to get the confidence etc etc. I said there was no rush and that I didn't give to receive (I think this is maybe where you got confused). But as time has gone on I have found myself becoming more frustraited with her unwillingness to even try.

    I have always wanted her to try, and she knows this. Sometimes I just wish I had never said I don't give to receive, I think she has taken this to mean she doesn't have to bother with me because she knows she'll get hers anyway.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Just stop then if thats the case. She can't make you do anything. Regardless of reason you don't really have to do anything and if she complains just say you don't have the confidence.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    red_jelly wrote:
    She told me at the begining that she was nervous and would do it, but it would take her time to get the confidence etc etc.

    The best way to deal with this lady is to confront her with the fact that she promised she would try before you first stuck one in her .

    Obviously do it in a polite way, buy her a candle or some other shit, light the thing so the mood is romantic and then tell her you don’t give to receive but you DO love to receive for your trouble.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I hear where you're coming from brother.

    I had a gf who just didn't like going down on me. I know it would have really pissed her off if I'd told her that the feeling was mutual yet I did it anyway.

    Like you said, you give but don't expect it back all the time. But when she does nothing for all you do for her, that argument kinda becomes redundant.

    I'd like to say there was an easy way out, but you've just got to confront her about it. If she still gives you the silent treatment, I'd suggest a suspension of all oral activities until she's willing to talk about it.

    Good luck mate, I know this won't be easy.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    red_jelly wrote:
    No, I have always said I wanted it (and always have). She told me at the begining that she was nervous and would do it, but it would take her time to get the confidence etc etc. I said there was no rush and that I didn't give to receive (I think this is maybe where you got confused). But as time has gone on I have found myself becoming more frustraited with her unwillingness to even try.

    I have always wanted her to try, and she knows this. Sometimes I just wish I had never said I don't give to receive, I think she has taken this to mean she doesn't have to bother with me because she knows she'll get hers anyway.
    Ok, I get ya. I think you may of made her feel a lil TOO comfortable with things. By Leaving it this long, I think she's thinking you have forgotten about it or something, and she's feeling a little edgy about bringing it up again. But you need to speak to her about it.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    of she isnt comfertable with it you shouldnt push the subject!! what makes you think that you have the right to a blow job?

    she never asks you for oral and you give it to her fair enough, if she was asking for it then it would be your decision to make, wether you give and not recieve.

    your making it sound like it is your god given right to a blow job
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Mel-H wrote:
    of she isnt comfertable with it you shouldnt push the subject!! what makes you think that you have the right to a blow job?

    she never asks you for oral and you give it to her fair enough, if she was asking for it then it would be your decision to make, wether you give and not recieve.

    your making it sound like it is your god given right to a blow job

    no he isnt he's making it sound like he feels that its unfair that he gives a lot and doesnt recieve
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Since when has "fair" been an issue.

    If you are expecting something in return then you have the relationship all wrong. You give because it pleases her, not because it means you get a blow job.

    If she doesn't want to blow you then tough. Don't pressure her into doing something because she'll only resent you for it.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Mel-H wrote:
    of she isnt comfertable with it you shouldnt push the subject!! what makes you think that you have the right to a blow job?

    I don't, that's not the issue here, the issue is that I think it's unfair that I do and she doesn't. It's not as even as she said no outright, she just said give her time. If she said it wasn't her thing, then fine I have no right to make her, but then I would stop doing it for her, after all, it's not exactly plesant going down on her. I either want the situation where none of us get it or both of us get it, I want to know the best way of achieving this. Obviously I would prefer both of us getting it.
    Mel-H wrote:
    your making it sound like it is your god given right to a blow job

    No I'm not. What did I say that made you think that?

    To everyone else, thank you for your comments. As hard as it is I guess i'm just going to have to face up to an argument and tell her straight, either we both do it or neither of us does it.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    red_jelly wrote:
    I don't, that's not the issue here, the issue is that I think it's unfair that I do and she doesn't..
    On the other hand you don't mind doing it, and she apparently does. It hardly seems fair that you think she should do it to you just because you do it to her lots.

    Perhaps, next time she mentions how she likes it, you could suggest a little soixant neuf
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    i think she has kind of got herself into a rut. where she wasnt confident enough to do it and now as time has gone by she feels pressure to do it and be good at it and so doesnt want to do it at all.

    do you ever give her compliments during sex or tell shes good at something? i think she needs a confidence boost. and dont pressure her anymore because you will just make it worse.
    i think if you stopped giving her oral it would end up in an argument anyway.

    suggest doing a 69 or maybe if shes a bit tipsy she will have the confidence to do it then.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    There are other ways she could please you. BJ's arent the be all and end all. Suggest a kinky night. You go down on her. She dresses up for you or something.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Rachael wrote:
    Suggest a kinky night. You go down on her. She dresses up for you or something.

    How about she goes down on him and he dresses up as a fireman or something, women love that shit and he gets his end polished - All round success and a better relationship.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    But she obviously doesnt feel comfortable going down on him. I doubt dressing up as a fireman is going to help.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Rachael wrote:
    There are other ways she could please you. BJ's arent the be all and end all. Suggest a kinky night. You go down on her. She dresses up for you or something.

    She's very backwards when it comes to sex, I guess it might be a confidence thing, I have suggested many things we could do together, but it usually ends up with her just using her hand (if i'm lucky)

    I know BJs aren't the be all and end all, but that's not really my problem (although it would be nice to have one). I don't like doing it to her, but I used to do it anyway because I know she loves it. I just think it's a little unfair for one of us to do it and not the other.

    I do think sometimes I go on about BJs when really i'm just using it as something to signify my overall frustration with her lack of sexual adverture.
    I would like to add though, I do not bedger her about it, I rarely bring the subject up and have never been pushy about anything sexual (or otherwise) with her. I just come onto a forum and moan instead! :p
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Rachael wrote:
    But she obviously doesnt feel comfortable going down on him. I doubt dressing up as a fireman is going to help.

    Ha Ha, yeah, think I might give that one a miss :rolleyes:
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    It makes me laugh how all the girls in the "what makes someone bad in bed" thread say its when a guy is just out for his own pleasure then when a guy is complaining he isn't getting the pleasure he wants then he needs to deal with it and stop pressurising the girl. Double standards or what.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    i think my boyfriend is feeling the same as you slightly. he goes down on me and always has done and says he enjoys it. i want to go down on him, i really do, but ive not ever done it before and i'm just scared!
    i wouldnt rule out your girlfriend wanting to do it, maybe she doesnt want to do it wrong? or doesnt know how to start etc.
    i'd try talking to her again and asking her why she doesnt want to do it. but try and be subtle about it, dont just demand that she tells you why she wont do it.

    at the end of the day, if you love her, it shouldnt matter if she goes down on you or not. i know my boyfriend wants me to, but then i know he loves me enough to know that i'll do it in my own time
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    at the end of the day, if you love her, it shouldnt matter if she goes down on you or not. i know my boyfriend wants me to, but then i know he loves me enough to know that i'll do it in my own time

    That's pretty much how I feel, I just don't want to be taken advantage of.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    It makes me laugh how all the girls in the "what makes someone bad in bed" thread say its when a guy is just out for his own pleasure then when a guy is complaining he isn't getting the pleasure he wants then he needs to deal with it and stop pressurising the girl. Double standards or what.

    interesting isn't it
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    red_jelly wrote:
    That's pretty much how I feel, I just don't want to be taken advantage of.


    i dont see how you can feel the same as i said, but then say you dont want to be taken advantage of! your gf is not taking advantage of you by u going down on her, unless she demands you do it!
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    i dont see how you can feel the same as i said, but then say you dont want to be taken advantage of! your gf is not taking advantage of you by u going down on her, unless she demands you do it!

    So you're telling me that if you and your boyfriend had initially told each other you would like the other to give you oral, but your boyfriend said, not just yet, I don't feel very confident about it. You thought you would do it anyway. Then after almost a year of you giving him bjs and him not even trying to make any effort whatsoever to return the favour you wouldn't start to think "hang on a minute I think he might be taking the p**s here a bit"? And you wouldn't question whether you should stop doing it to him?

    The question i'm asking is not whether she should do it or not, but whether I shouldl really be in the situation where I do something I don't like for her but she isn't willing to do the same for me. Like I said, she isn't making me do it, but then neither am I. I just think things should be equal in a relationship.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I was in the same situation. I gave and didn't receive. Didnt seem very fair because he made no effort by trying anything else to please me.

    For her not to discuss it seems a bit silly. You've been dating for over a year, if she is unwilling to even talk to you about things that must make you feel kinda confused.

    How would you rate the relationship otherwise?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Rachael wrote:
    I was in the same situation. I gave and didn't receive. Didnt seem very fair because he made no effort by trying anything else to please me.

    For her not to discuss it seems a bit silly. You've been dating for over a year, if she is unwilling to even talk to you about things that must make you feel kinda confused.

    How would you rate the relationship otherwise?

    There are minor niggles, but in general things are great. I would definately say this is the best relationship I've been in. Recently though I've found it's not just issues with sex I can't discuss, there are a lot of things she just seems to explode over that I think aren't really a big deal.

    This issue included, I often find that I have a worry or something i'm not happy about. I'm always very careful never to make her feel guilty for things I worry about, I word it so that she knows i'm just talking about my feelings and not about what I think of her but she just seems to get angry and then rufuses to talk about it. It almost feels like I don't have the right to have worries or to think that everything's not perfect.

    Needless to say this makes me hide a lot of my feelings and not want to discuss how I feel, which is why, I still haven't brought this subject up with her yet.

    Even if we didn't come to a solution, it would just be nice to discuss it with her like adults. :(
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    If you can't talk about things like adults then there is an issue with security and trust. It's probably not helped by you always moaning she won't suck you off.

    Have you ever stopped to think that maybe she was forced to do it in the past?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Kermit wrote:
    If you can't talk about things like adults then there is an issue with security and trust. It's probably not helped by you always moaning she won't suck you off.

    I never have and never will moan to her about it. I have raised the issue a couple of times, but only in a "what do you think of" and "would you ever try" kind of way. If I didn't do that then how would she even know what I did and didn't like? I would like to add that I have never once said "I think you should" or "why don't you" or any direct requests like that, I have only ever told her its' something I like the idea of, and even then it's been spoken about 3 times at most.
    Kermit wrote:
    Have you ever stopped to think that maybe she was forced to do it in the past?

    Yes, she has told me the only thing that would stop her doing it to me is that she doesn't feel very confident doing it. She has even told me she has done it with previous boyfriends and quite enjoyed it. I assume she isn't lying.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I would just like to re-iterate, this thread was not about whether my gf should give me bjs, why she doesn't, is she being unfair etc. It was just to find out what you guys thought of me stopping giving her oral because I thought it was unfair to give and not receive.

    Whther she gives me a bj or not isn't really my point here. Some of you seem to think that it was.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Since when has "fair" been an issue.

    If you are expecting something in return then you have the relationship all wrong. You give because it pleases her, not because it means you get a blow job.

    If she doesn't want to blow you then tough. Don't pressure her into doing something because she'll only resent you for it.

    Spot on mate
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    red_jelly wrote:
    So you're telling me that if you and your boyfriend had initially told each other you would like the other to give you oral, but your boyfriend said, not just yet, I don't feel very confident about it. You thought you would do it anyway. Then after almost a year of you giving him bjs and him not even trying to make any effort whatsoever to return the favour you wouldn't start to think "hang on a minute I think he might be taking the p**s here a bit"? And you wouldn't question whether you should stop doing it to him?

    no i wouldnt. when we first got together my boyfriend was very shy about this stuff and nothing happened for a while. and if he had never gone down on me, i'd still love him.
    you see i really love him, for who he is and how good we are together, not for how many times he goes down on me! it honestly wouldnt matter to me if i gave him all the pleasure he wants and i got none.

    and yes i did tell him from the off that i've never given head and the thought of doing it doesnt really appeal to me, and he knew that when he started going down on me.

    i think you need to question how much you actually care for his girl and how much u care about getting yours!
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