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She can't come: any clues?
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
Hello, everyone. I used this site ages ago for a while and thought it was brilliant, fell out of touch with it for some reason, and can't remember my password from my old username - and my old email address has lapsed, so it's inaccessible now. Anyway, I used to be prufrock, if there's anyone still here from about three years ago.
Reason I'm here now is, I thought where better to find a pool of sexual expertise and advice on my sexual quandary? Hope some of you have some personal experiences or brilliant insights which might help us out.
So I've been seeing this girl for about a month now and she's lovely exciting etc etc and we have a great time together and an essentially fantastic sex life, with one fairly key exception - she doesn't come, and never has. This is very odd to me and I don't quite know how best to react. I've been in 5 or 6 relationships involving sex or everything-but, and she's the first person i've encountered to have this problem: clearly it's either fairly rare or I've been really lucky.
THe circumstances are these. When we first got together she was shy about me going down on her but that passed fairly soon. Then the first few times, she would tell me to stop as soon as she began to get very aroused, because she felt uncomfortable about being wet - embarrassed, rather than physically uncomfortable. More recently she seems to get very close to orgasm and then she kinda writhes away and says stop and the moment passes.
She was upfront from the first about the fact that she hadn't ever come and didn't know if she would, and I think it's to do with self-esteem things (she's a v pretty girl who is acutely conscious of how she looks and thinks she needs plastic surgery and at university but (wrongly) insecure about her brain and spends too much time worrying about calories and hates me seeing her naked because she doesn't like her body etc etc etc) and worries about looking silly and, because it's never happened and she's 22 now, a kind of strange fear of the unknown, even if it's the good unknown.
She can't quite explain what goes on when it stops working - she seems to be fully physically functional, and i'm sure it's in her head: in her general physical responses to oral sex she roughly resembles most other girls I've gone down on, and if anything reaches the nearly-point at an above-average speed. But she gets coy. We've reached a fairly serious level fairly quickly and I don't think it's a trust and intimacy thing, though I guess also the longer we're together maybe the less self-conscious she would become.
I feel like we've tried most things - getting drunk, hands rather than tongues, going down when she's half-asleep, stimulating her clit during sex, just going down in a sort of non-directed way for quite a long time without trying to bring her to orgasm, you name it. Anyway, I'm acutely aware that it's important not to place too much emphasis on it, and sex is generally pretty great - but she says she feels closer to coming than she ever has before, and it would be a great thing to happen. If anyone has been through anything similar and has any ideas on how to help her get there I'd be really interested to know. Thanks...
Reason I'm here now is, I thought where better to find a pool of sexual expertise and advice on my sexual quandary? Hope some of you have some personal experiences or brilliant insights which might help us out.
So I've been seeing this girl for about a month now and she's lovely exciting etc etc and we have a great time together and an essentially fantastic sex life, with one fairly key exception - she doesn't come, and never has. This is very odd to me and I don't quite know how best to react. I've been in 5 or 6 relationships involving sex or everything-but, and she's the first person i've encountered to have this problem: clearly it's either fairly rare or I've been really lucky.
THe circumstances are these. When we first got together she was shy about me going down on her but that passed fairly soon. Then the first few times, she would tell me to stop as soon as she began to get very aroused, because she felt uncomfortable about being wet - embarrassed, rather than physically uncomfortable. More recently she seems to get very close to orgasm and then she kinda writhes away and says stop and the moment passes.
She was upfront from the first about the fact that she hadn't ever come and didn't know if she would, and I think it's to do with self-esteem things (she's a v pretty girl who is acutely conscious of how she looks and thinks she needs plastic surgery and at university but (wrongly) insecure about her brain and spends too much time worrying about calories and hates me seeing her naked because she doesn't like her body etc etc etc) and worries about looking silly and, because it's never happened and she's 22 now, a kind of strange fear of the unknown, even if it's the good unknown.
She can't quite explain what goes on when it stops working - she seems to be fully physically functional, and i'm sure it's in her head: in her general physical responses to oral sex she roughly resembles most other girls I've gone down on, and if anything reaches the nearly-point at an above-average speed. But she gets coy. We've reached a fairly serious level fairly quickly and I don't think it's a trust and intimacy thing, though I guess also the longer we're together maybe the less self-conscious she would become.
I feel like we've tried most things - getting drunk, hands rather than tongues, going down when she's half-asleep, stimulating her clit during sex, just going down in a sort of non-directed way for quite a long time without trying to bring her to orgasm, you name it. Anyway, I'm acutely aware that it's important not to place too much emphasis on it, and sex is generally pretty great - but she says she feels closer to coming than she ever has before, and it would be a great thing to happen. If anyone has been through anything similar and has any ideas on how to help her get there I'd be really interested to know. Thanks...
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Comments
Ok firstly, as you've only been going out a month, I'd imagine that she's still quite nervous. You mentioned that she was embarassed about you going down on her. We're not talking deep psychology here but this nervousness very often manifests itself in your lady-friend scaring herself into not coming because she's not relaxed enough.
Now I'd love to say (from my wealth of knowledge...) that there is a simple situation to this but there really isn't. Trust me, it's not a reflection on you (I hope!). Some little pointers that may point you on the way towards sexual bliss... and please don't take these the wrong way, I feel like fucking Dr. Miriam saying this but trust me on this.
- Complement her. Now this seems like a dumb thing to say but this has knock-on effects. If you keep reassurring her that she looks hot or whatever then she will become more confident of herself and start to feel better about her body which will make her more relaxed and thus better equipped to climax. I know she's had issues about this but, and as I know better than you might think, you can be very persuasive and not in an underhand way.
- Maybe, and I know this sounds frightfully adolescent, start off with fingering. Shit I can barely bring myself to type the horrid word! But maybe, as it's a less intimate type of foreplay, then she may feel more inclined to relax and thus, well, you know the rest I'm sure.
Well my friend, go forth and try that and if you don't yield results, then let us know and we'll try and help you out. Good luck my man.
If you dont communicate with each other though theres nothing to the relationship so talk about it.