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How do you REALLY know when ...

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
.. Its the right time? I get EXTREMELY turned on and badly want to go all the way with my boyfriend but we havent yet and once im back to not being utterly turned on I feel relieved we didnt.

He is really scared of hurting me, I am scared of the pain yeah but thats the only thing thats stopping us at the moment! We both badly want it to happen but he says if we did get to that stage he wouldnt be able to perform shall we say as he is really scared of hurting me. I know he loves me but I just want to get it done and get that pain gone!

Help please, Im depserate here! :nervous:

Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    when you are not turned on and still think its what you want, and don't feel relieved you didn't...then it will be the right time.

    when it is, make sure you do the contraception thing to protect you against pregnancy and STIs.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    .. Its the right time? I get EXTREMELY turned on and badly want to go all the way with my boyfriend but we havent yet and once im back to not being utterly turned on I feel relieved we didnt.

    He is really scared of hurting me, I am scared of the pain yeah but thats the only thing thats stopping us at the moment! We both badly want it to happen but he says if we did get to that stage he wouldnt be able to perform shall we say as he is really scared of hurting me. I know he loves me but I just want to get it done and get that pain gone!

    Help please, Im depserate here! :nervous:

    All that nicebutdim's said is useful and important

    On the 'pain' factor - it does vary from person to person. I mean - say if you've done horseriding, ballet (splits)...or other such acitivites, you may have already broken your 'hymen' in vigorous physical activitiy, and so would cause you little to no discomfort.

    Personally, my experience was a tad painful as I was 'intact' as it were, and there was also some blood. But since the experience, everything is fine. There is a mild discomfort once or twice after but now, I feel nothing in the way of pain.

    When you find yourself, both of you, ready for the experience, take it slowly and make sure your turned on, relaxed, and 'wet'. It can be difficult not to tense up and such, but it doesn't mean then when you decide to go for it, that you have to have it done in one experience. Me and my bf attempted it 4/5 times on different occasions before we went for it fully and it helped a lot in terms of minimising the pain I felt.

    Most importantly, take it slowly - don't rush into it and make sure that in and out of 'the moment', you want to go through with it. You can always wait, and thats not saying that you don't keep getting up close and personal and exploring each others bodies, but you need to build your confidence, both of you, so that you can communicate easily and when the moment comes you are both ready and not terrified of pain or of hurting you. And be glad he's considerate enough to think of you and how it feels for you - he seems sensitive and so you need build trust and talk through the moment when you decide it's right for you both.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    only one way to find out, love.

    Sorry, I'm not in a helpful mood as I've had a really shit day, almost died once, been gassed and had to count 329 picture frames. So now, I'm off to drink myself silly.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    you're only 15, maybe you should wait till its legal?

    and if you're thinking that you're not ready, then you're not ready.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Yeah well Im 16 January. He just wants to wait and make it really special. He's taking me out for dinner to some italian in December and said if we are alone after that maybe thats the time.

    I personally dont care, as long as I am turned on and I do want it then I want to do it I just want him to get over this "I wont do it if it hurts you" buisness!
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    there's bound to be some discomfort though, it's to be expected as obviously you're not used to having things up there!
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Well..I wasn't really ready when I had sex for the first time, Mentally I was telling myself I wanted to do it..just I spose because it was all people talked about sometimes..but after it I can't say I regretted it..until I dumped her like a week later, then I regretted losing my virginity to someone I wasn't even gonna keep in contact with!
    If you're in a loving relationship with this boy..I'd imagine it won't be too long till you're ready..and as for the pain..it is not that bad ( said my ex anyway ) just a little bit of pain for a short period of time, and then pleasure ( hopefully )..it will be like that the first few times you have sex..I wouldn't worry about it, you're Bf will understand im sure :)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    dildo
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    When in doubt, have a couple of drinks. Then nothing is holding you back :thumb:
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    If your both still a bit scared about taking the final step, why not just try getting your body used to it. Having him finger you a few times before the big day would leave you feeling less uncomfy on your first time.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    ah yes, the pain factor.... I feared this one too (infact if you do a search you can still find my thread on this exact matter). :razz:

    Anyways, here's what i've found really helps (and some advice was given by a gyno):

    step 1, when you know you're ready to do this (and follow nicebutdim's advice on that one as it's great advice), get some ky jelly, apply a fair amount onto your finger, and place your finger in as deep as you can without pain, and then slowly streach the tissue up, down, and side to side holding at various angles for as long as you can before the pain starts up.

    step 2, with time, insert more fingers (i got up to three before penetration was easier for me).

    step 3, get him to finger you a bit AND go down on you before he penetrates you, it'll help you lube up and losen up. Also, try not to focus so much on waht's going to happen. Try to think of say... swimming with him or something...

    step 4, as he penetrates you, exhale slowly, don't inhale. Exhaling relaxes the muscles and allows him easier passage into you, and lessens the pain. You could be on top so that you control the depth, & speed, or with him on top, he can go easy on you, and it'll be a bit less... well acrobatic (personally from what I've found). failing that, spooning allows shallow penetration, but shallow penetration can also mean that some of the hymen will remain causing the second time to also feel kind of uncomfortable.

    step 5, take it slow and gentle while he's inside. Don't go wild or you'll end up hurting yourself.

    step 6, be just as careful with speed the next few times until you've losened up quite a bit, and keep using KY jelly for as long as needed.

    About the ky, some people say that our own lubrication is best, HOWEVER, KY jelly is a water based lubricant & used in OB/GYN offices during pelvic exams. If doctors trust it enough to use it on a regular basis for their patients you've got to know that it has a low allergic reaction rate (if any), it's safe to use, and it's almost as good as the stuff that we naturally produce. and truthfully, it really is.

    The first time I had sex without KY, was because it was heat of the moment and I couldn't be bothered finding it, Sooooo........... we forgoed the KY, and to my amazement, with time and easing up at the thought of sex (instead of worrying about pain & discomfort), I was lubed up enough and didn't need it.

    I understand about your bf too, mine's the same way. Infact if I winced when we were having sex the first time he'd apologize and immediately start kissing my face. he's a sap sometimes :love:

    I can relate to your post 100% but like I said, take those steps, and you should be okay, and remember, when he first enters you, EXHALE, do NOT inhale. Inhaling'll cause your muslces to tense up.

    All the best,
    CK
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Heya, I lost it when i was 15 so i know what's up. It can hurt, and sports don't always break your hymen cos i did horseriding ballet, ice dancing and martial arts, and it still hurt when i first had sex. The only thing is can really say is that if it hurts, don't immediately panic and make him pull out. just stop him pushing in, take some deep breaths until the pain goes away, then let him continue-slowly. trust me on the breathing thing, the power of breathing is really underestimated in terms of pain relief! Also, don't drink in the hopes it'll stop you tensing up-alcohol actually causes your muscles to contract spasmodically, so it won't help. obviously, go through the usual precautions. you don't seem stupid, so you'll probably know what i'm talking about-lots of KY if you don't feel wet enough, use a condom etc. And have fun, enjoy being intimate with him. There's a lot of hype about sex now, just ignore it.
    Hope this helped a bit. A xxxx
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Cheers for that Amsybamsy and CrazyKitten that is Great advice!

    I was round his last night and we were so badly at the point twice, once his folks were out so that was cool but we didnt have the protection and as i suspected he did mention the fact im on the pill but I love him to pieces and dont want to risk the chance of ruining my life with a baby, at least i know for next time. I have no idea when we will next be alone and that sucks because after how things were with us, I reckon I can put up with the pain and do it. I love him so much and its something we both REALLY want to happen.

    Will just have to wait and see.

    Thank you to all of you though!
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    just do it. DO IT ALL NIGHT LONG!!!
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