confused again

Former Member

Well Ive posted a few topics bout me n my ex splittin up.

Basically weve had talks and both said we love each other and wanna be together but he cant guarantee that he will want more kids one day.

Im 21 and naturally want kids one day, he already has 2 girls from his previous relationship one aged 8 and the other nearly 10.

He said that if he had more kids he needs to know he could cope with it as he said he will feel guilty on the other 2 as he cannot spend everyday with them and he doesnt want to put them through anymore hurt than they have been through.

He said if he was to have another child although he knows his girls would love it, it would also upset them knowing that they have to go home of a weekend and the baby would still be with him. He said that he wouldnt be able to give the girls all his attention on a weekend the way he does now if we had a child.

He also thinks that because his previous relationship went wrong that this one may also and he said if that happened then he knows he couldnt cope again.

Hes said that thats the only thing that keeps us apart at the moment because we both want everything else... its just he doesnt want to give me a commitment he may not be able to keep.

I know that he wants it deep down because I can tell and hes said it but I think hes too scared. I just dunno what to do.

I cant just keep my life on hold thou but itd kill either of us if the other got with someone else.

Sorry for goin on, but if anyone has any advice???
x

Former Member

Is he scared that you'll split up after you've had kids like he did with his daughter's mother? Because I could understand that making him scared... having several kids but not being able to live with any of them

Former Member

Kate1 wrote:

Is he scared that you'll split up after you've had kids like he did with his daughter's mother? Because I could understand that making him scared... having several kids but not being able to live with any of them

yeah there is that part of it cuz he said it killed him the first time and if it happened again then he couldnt cope, I do understand that but it also gets a bit frustrating. Im nothing like her she did terrible things...

Its also the guilt hed feel on the girls hes got now.

Former Member

I dont know really what to say, I'm guessing you have reassured him that if/when you have a kid you wont leave. If you have a place of you own, why not invite his kids round n stuff? Go on day trips with them! Have you met his kids?

I was kinda gettin with a man (ages ago) who had 3 kids and was divorced. It crossed my mind that one day I would like kids. He didnt want kids, been there done that kinda thing!! made it plain to me that he never wanted kids. So we didnt have a relationship - I thought it wasnt worth the pain.

Former Member

Yeah Ive met his kids, was with him nearly 4 years before we split up.

I got on really well with them.

He said that he knows Id make a good mom by the way I am with them and also my little sister whos nearly 3!

I just dont want us to pass up on something that could be really good and us both end up regretting it.

He even said I know I shouldnt say this but if I was to see you in a few years time with a baby it would kill me.

I just dunno what were supposed to do, thing is I cant hang on cuz Im at that age where I wanna start having some sort of direction in my life now.

Former Member

you're only 21, and i'm assuming you're not going to be wanting kids for another few years yet? why just not worry about it now and focus on your relationship, not about the ifs and buts about the future.

Former Member

Nah I dont want em til im about 24/25 but if he decides that he doesnt want kids by that time then what happens???? we both end up gettin hurt and Il have to go and find someone else and aint exactly just gonna have a kid with them straight away.

I dont wanna be with anyone else though and he said he wants to be with me its just this situation....

Former Member

chances are he might change his mind in a few years but i guess the difficult bit is you'll never know. do you really want to throw away a happy relationship because he says he doesn't want kids?

Former Member

Thats the hard part about it all, thing is I cant give up kids to stay with him because it would just make me miserable missing out on one of the best things in life!