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Bereavement
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
Didn't really know where to post this, so sorry if its in the wrong forum. I posted back in February about how hard I was finding it to deal with the death of my boyfriend. My step-mum dying in January brought a lot of that back but I was getting on with my life and felt like I was coping quite well.
Unfortunately, my dad killed himself last Saturday, I wasn't close to him and I didn't think it was affecting me much, I was alright for most of this week. I organised everything down in Bristol, took charge of his kids and didn't stop at all, it was very full on. After driving home last night everything just hit me, how alone I am, how down I'm feeling. I'm completely exhausted through not sleeping and eating properly. I can't even put it into words, it's just affected me more than I thought it would, a lot more.
The funerals on Monday, and I've organised pretty much the whole thing myself, I'm hoping that'll give me some kind of closure, but if it doesn't I don't know what I'll do. I think that suicide is selfish and I'm angry at my dad for leaving his kids on their own, they're 11 and 3, but as much as I want to resent him for it, I've suffered from serious depression myself, still do to some extent, and know how it feels to want to die. I'm scared I'm going to get worse again and if i do that then there's no way I'll be able to look after his kids.
I also feel that I'm at least partly to blame for all this. I repeatedly tried to get in touch with him after my step-mum died, but he refused to talk to me and blamed me for her death (he said me stressing her out caused the cancer) I was so persistant and wouldn't drop it, but then he sent me a letter on the 15th July saying :
Sarah, What's happened has happened and nothing can change that but we just can't see you as part of this family anymore. The kids will miss you but not as much as they miss their mum. It's for the best and I hope you can understand my reasons for this and do the right thing, for their sake. We're moving soon and won't be giving you the address. Don't try and get in touch again please, you've done more than enough already.
Yours, Steve
Call me stupid but that sounds like someone who's been pushed too far, by me...
Sorry about such a long post, but I needed to get it off my chest and my friends are all partying the night away somewhere without me. Thanks for reading x
Unfortunately, my dad killed himself last Saturday, I wasn't close to him and I didn't think it was affecting me much, I was alright for most of this week. I organised everything down in Bristol, took charge of his kids and didn't stop at all, it was very full on. After driving home last night everything just hit me, how alone I am, how down I'm feeling. I'm completely exhausted through not sleeping and eating properly. I can't even put it into words, it's just affected me more than I thought it would, a lot more.
The funerals on Monday, and I've organised pretty much the whole thing myself, I'm hoping that'll give me some kind of closure, but if it doesn't I don't know what I'll do. I think that suicide is selfish and I'm angry at my dad for leaving his kids on their own, they're 11 and 3, but as much as I want to resent him for it, I've suffered from serious depression myself, still do to some extent, and know how it feels to want to die. I'm scared I'm going to get worse again and if i do that then there's no way I'll be able to look after his kids.
I also feel that I'm at least partly to blame for all this. I repeatedly tried to get in touch with him after my step-mum died, but he refused to talk to me and blamed me for her death (he said me stressing her out caused the cancer) I was so persistant and wouldn't drop it, but then he sent me a letter on the 15th July saying :
Sarah, What's happened has happened and nothing can change that but we just can't see you as part of this family anymore. The kids will miss you but not as much as they miss their mum. It's for the best and I hope you can understand my reasons for this and do the right thing, for their sake. We're moving soon and won't be giving you the address. Don't try and get in touch again please, you've done more than enough already.
Yours, Steve
Call me stupid but that sounds like someone who's been pushed too far, by me...
Sorry about such a long post, but I needed to get it off my chest and my friends are all partying the night away somewhere without me. Thanks for reading x
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Comments
Otter's right. There's no way you can blame yuourself for such extreme actions. Your dad obviously had his own demons that led him to do this - and to cut you out of his life in the first place. You've done so much in the aftermath of his death - especially considering his disregard for you prior to it - and you should be proud of yourself for that.
It's unsurprising that your dad's death is bringing back the pain of your boyfriend dying. Although you weren't close to your dad, it is bound to bring back painful memories. Talking to friends and other family will help them to help you - and to understand what you are going through.
If there's no one you feel you can talk to, it may help to talk to someone in confidence. Cruse offers free, confidential advice and infomation for any young person affected by a death. Tel: 0808 808 1677.
Take a look at these articles, too - they may help you:
Dealing with death
Bereavement blame
Endless grieving
I really hope you find some peace after the funeral and manage to get back on with your own life. Take care
Hannah Spanner x