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Confused
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
Hey guys. I've never needed to really post any of my problems on here, but this problem I've got now has really been affecting me.
I'll try and cut it down to a shorter version so not to bore you all :yes: But by doing this I may miss bits out so I'll try my best.
Basically about 4 years I met this guy. I was 15 at the time and he was 19. We were really good friends, and pretty soon I really fell for him. We got on so well and there was this majoy sexual chemistry between us. We ended up having sex, and I thought we'd end up being together. How wrong was I! He ended up saying the day after he met someone else and wanted to be with them instead. I was extremely upset, crying non stop, my eating patterns went haywire and I became withdrawn. I'm a very strong person but he really shattered me. To make matters worse, I fell pregant. We did use protection, I wasn't silly. But they're not 100% are they? I miscarried soon after. I eventually told him about it a few weeks after and he didn't really believe me. To make matters worse, his new gf at the time thought I was just having a 'heavy period'. That comment just made me feel 10 times worse, like I would say that just for attention or something. It was one of the worst experiences of my life and I wouldn't wish it on anyone.
I didn't tell my mum until a few years later. She didn't realise I went through all that on my own. Anyway, a few months after I miscarried I met someone else. I was still 15 at the time and again the new guy I met was 19. Now before you all judge me, I'd just like to say I'm not a naive person.
I moved in with this new guy when I was 15, only 2 weeks after meeting him; my mum knew of course. I wasn't in school at the time (that's a whole other story in itself). I moved over a 100 miles to be with him. I had so many problems at home, it was probably best I moved in with this new guy. I got a full time job when I was 15, I was almost 16 in a few months anyway. I paid rent, I paid my bills, cooked dinner, went house searching when we had to move again, supported myself and my new boyfriend when he went back to university. I was really happy. I even went back to school eventually to pass my exams, thanks to my boyfriend pushing me!
Cutting a long story short, three years went past. During that time I met up with the guy that left me in the beginning once. It caused major problems between myself and my boyfriend. Our relationship was never really the same since then. A year later I decided to end it. It was one of the hardest decisions I ever had to make. He was there for me at a time I needed it the most. He pushed me back into school, showed me what love is like, showed me what the real world is like. For that I'll be forever in his debt.
Ok, so lets put in a time frame. All that I've written so far has happened over a four year period. I split up with my now ex boyfriend in March this year. I moved back to London in March by myself, found a really nice place to live and got my job transferred. And then out of the blue, the guy that left me in the very beginning text me to see how I was. I couldn't believe it! After four years of only meeting once and speaking very occasionaly he decided to text me.
If I was honest I'd never really gotten over this first guy. I never got any sort of closure to the situation. One day we had sex and were about to get it together (or so I thought) and the next he left me for someone else. We chatted for a while. He'd had a couple of gf's since we parted ways (or rather he f****d off). Turns out when he text after I just moved back to London, he'd just split up with his current gf of nearly a year. So here we are, both single, both in London, both grown up a lot. So we decided to meet up. I was nervous as hell, didn't know what would happen really.
Cutting a long story as short as I possibly can (thanks for sticking with me whoever is reading this) we still got on really bloody well! All those years of me building walls around myself to shut him out came crashing down in that one meeting. We ended up having sex. Seriously, we have the most incredible sex together, there was always this chemistry between us. We were inseprable since then. He even travelled over three hours in total just to see me while I was at work and then to take me for a drink afterwards. He'd come over to mine for the weekend, and sometimes I'd go over to his. We'd go out for drink, for a meal etc. All this and yet we still weren't going out! I did talk to him about it. He just said he didn't want a gf for a while. He'd only just got out of his last relationship etc. Fair enough, I really did understand. Well it's now June, we've been meeting up every weekend since we met up again in April. Recently he's told me he doesn't want to be with me, ever. I am really hurt. I continue to hope he'll eventually change his mind, but it doesn't look like he will. I still continue to see him, I know to an extent I'm being used but then I'm using him because he's what I want, even if it's not how I fully want him. He has made himself perfectly clear on where we stand but seriously everytime I try and end it I keep going back. I say goodbye to him and vow never to see him again because it hurts just to think about 'us' never being together, but then I really miss him.
Now before you start making your conclusions I have a few other things just to add. I wouldn't have let myself fall for him again unless he showed some interest. Which he did. We were having a conversation a while ago about future girlfriends/boyfriends. He said "Who says you aren't going to be my next girlfriend?"
Well to me, that says he's considered us being together or atleast we will be sometime in the very near future. He's also done very sweet things for me while we are together. I haven't just fantasized the idea of him liking me, I know he does, or atleast did as it now seems.
We met up again this weekend and we had a good time. But we had an argument again over the same problems as before, ie. me thinking it's unfair why we can't be together. We're going round in circles and it's driving me crazy.
I've missed out a hell of a lot of stuff, but basically this is what I need some advice on. Am I right for assuming that if two people get on really well together, have known each other for a few years, have an amazing sex life together, get on in nearly every aspect yet have enough differences to make things interesting, why shouldn't those two people be together? I just feel like I've never 'had my chance' for being with him. He went out with other women while we weren't talking for a few years, so what was so special about them? It's not like I want to move in with him or anything, far from it. Not a lot would change really if we did go out, only perhaps that the arguments would stop because I won't feel so down about him not wanting to be with me ... because well ... we'd be together obviously. I just want some assurance that we're headed somewhere. Where ever that 'somewhere' is.
Honestly he's really confusing. I've talked and talked about this with him for hours and we constantly just go around in circles. One minute I'm really sure he wants to be with me, next thing he's decided he doesn't want to be with me, ever. So what do I do? Has anyone been in a similar situation like this? If so, what happened?
Do I continue to see him when I can and hopefully bite my tongue everytime I feel the injustice of him not wanting to be with me coming up? Or perhaps should I just keep him as a really great friend, because he really is. I don't want to find someone else just to get over him, that's not the sort of person I am, besides I'd rather be single if he doesn't want to be with me. I guess that's only because I'm still hoping he'll eventually wake up and see sense. All my friends have met him and they assume we're going out because of how close we are, but I've had to explain to them the situation. They all think he's really confused on how he feels, no shit!
Bah, my eyes hurt, my fingers hurt from typing. I don't blame anyone at all if they stopped reading by now, and even if no one replies atleast it's out of my system. It's been slowly building up inside me ever since this crap situation all started. I can't let him go, every time I try I just fail. He doesn't want to stop talking and seeing me and I feel the same way.
And jeezus, there is still so much more to explain but I really think I should stop. Anyone please, advice? I hate feeling like this
I'll try and cut it down to a shorter version so not to bore you all :yes: But by doing this I may miss bits out so I'll try my best.
Basically about 4 years I met this guy. I was 15 at the time and he was 19. We were really good friends, and pretty soon I really fell for him. We got on so well and there was this majoy sexual chemistry between us. We ended up having sex, and I thought we'd end up being together. How wrong was I! He ended up saying the day after he met someone else and wanted to be with them instead. I was extremely upset, crying non stop, my eating patterns went haywire and I became withdrawn. I'm a very strong person but he really shattered me. To make matters worse, I fell pregant. We did use protection, I wasn't silly. But they're not 100% are they? I miscarried soon after. I eventually told him about it a few weeks after and he didn't really believe me. To make matters worse, his new gf at the time thought I was just having a 'heavy period'. That comment just made me feel 10 times worse, like I would say that just for attention or something. It was one of the worst experiences of my life and I wouldn't wish it on anyone.
I didn't tell my mum until a few years later. She didn't realise I went through all that on my own. Anyway, a few months after I miscarried I met someone else. I was still 15 at the time and again the new guy I met was 19. Now before you all judge me, I'd just like to say I'm not a naive person.
I moved in with this new guy when I was 15, only 2 weeks after meeting him; my mum knew of course. I wasn't in school at the time (that's a whole other story in itself). I moved over a 100 miles to be with him. I had so many problems at home, it was probably best I moved in with this new guy. I got a full time job when I was 15, I was almost 16 in a few months anyway. I paid rent, I paid my bills, cooked dinner, went house searching when we had to move again, supported myself and my new boyfriend when he went back to university. I was really happy. I even went back to school eventually to pass my exams, thanks to my boyfriend pushing me!
Cutting a long story short, three years went past. During that time I met up with the guy that left me in the beginning once. It caused major problems between myself and my boyfriend. Our relationship was never really the same since then. A year later I decided to end it. It was one of the hardest decisions I ever had to make. He was there for me at a time I needed it the most. He pushed me back into school, showed me what love is like, showed me what the real world is like. For that I'll be forever in his debt.
Ok, so lets put in a time frame. All that I've written so far has happened over a four year period. I split up with my now ex boyfriend in March this year. I moved back to London in March by myself, found a really nice place to live and got my job transferred. And then out of the blue, the guy that left me in the very beginning text me to see how I was. I couldn't believe it! After four years of only meeting once and speaking very occasionaly he decided to text me.
If I was honest I'd never really gotten over this first guy. I never got any sort of closure to the situation. One day we had sex and were about to get it together (or so I thought) and the next he left me for someone else. We chatted for a while. He'd had a couple of gf's since we parted ways (or rather he f****d off). Turns out when he text after I just moved back to London, he'd just split up with his current gf of nearly a year. So here we are, both single, both in London, both grown up a lot. So we decided to meet up. I was nervous as hell, didn't know what would happen really.
Cutting a long story as short as I possibly can (thanks for sticking with me whoever is reading this) we still got on really bloody well! All those years of me building walls around myself to shut him out came crashing down in that one meeting. We ended up having sex. Seriously, we have the most incredible sex together, there was always this chemistry between us. We were inseprable since then. He even travelled over three hours in total just to see me while I was at work and then to take me for a drink afterwards. He'd come over to mine for the weekend, and sometimes I'd go over to his. We'd go out for drink, for a meal etc. All this and yet we still weren't going out! I did talk to him about it. He just said he didn't want a gf for a while. He'd only just got out of his last relationship etc. Fair enough, I really did understand. Well it's now June, we've been meeting up every weekend since we met up again in April. Recently he's told me he doesn't want to be with me, ever. I am really hurt. I continue to hope he'll eventually change his mind, but it doesn't look like he will. I still continue to see him, I know to an extent I'm being used but then I'm using him because he's what I want, even if it's not how I fully want him. He has made himself perfectly clear on where we stand but seriously everytime I try and end it I keep going back. I say goodbye to him and vow never to see him again because it hurts just to think about 'us' never being together, but then I really miss him.
Now before you start making your conclusions I have a few other things just to add. I wouldn't have let myself fall for him again unless he showed some interest. Which he did. We were having a conversation a while ago about future girlfriends/boyfriends. He said "Who says you aren't going to be my next girlfriend?"
Well to me, that says he's considered us being together or atleast we will be sometime in the very near future. He's also done very sweet things for me while we are together. I haven't just fantasized the idea of him liking me, I know he does, or atleast did as it now seems.
We met up again this weekend and we had a good time. But we had an argument again over the same problems as before, ie. me thinking it's unfair why we can't be together. We're going round in circles and it's driving me crazy.
I've missed out a hell of a lot of stuff, but basically this is what I need some advice on. Am I right for assuming that if two people get on really well together, have known each other for a few years, have an amazing sex life together, get on in nearly every aspect yet have enough differences to make things interesting, why shouldn't those two people be together? I just feel like I've never 'had my chance' for being with him. He went out with other women while we weren't talking for a few years, so what was so special about them? It's not like I want to move in with him or anything, far from it. Not a lot would change really if we did go out, only perhaps that the arguments would stop because I won't feel so down about him not wanting to be with me ... because well ... we'd be together obviously. I just want some assurance that we're headed somewhere. Where ever that 'somewhere' is.
Honestly he's really confusing. I've talked and talked about this with him for hours and we constantly just go around in circles. One minute I'm really sure he wants to be with me, next thing he's decided he doesn't want to be with me, ever. So what do I do? Has anyone been in a similar situation like this? If so, what happened?
Do I continue to see him when I can and hopefully bite my tongue everytime I feel the injustice of him not wanting to be with me coming up? Or perhaps should I just keep him as a really great friend, because he really is. I don't want to find someone else just to get over him, that's not the sort of person I am, besides I'd rather be single if he doesn't want to be with me. I guess that's only because I'm still hoping he'll eventually wake up and see sense. All my friends have met him and they assume we're going out because of how close we are, but I've had to explain to them the situation. They all think he's really confused on how he feels, no shit!
Bah, my eyes hurt, my fingers hurt from typing. I don't blame anyone at all if they stopped reading by now, and even if no one replies atleast it's out of my system. It's been slowly building up inside me ever since this crap situation all started. I can't let him go, every time I try I just fail. He doesn't want to stop talking and seeing me and I feel the same way.
And jeezus, there is still so much more to explain but I really think I should stop. Anyone please, advice? I hate feeling like this
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Comments
If you're still having sex with him I'd stop. Because one day I'm pretty sure he will meet someone else and you're going to be the one that's devastated. Tell him you just want to be friends and then set about having a life apart from him as well.
I know exactly what you're saying is true Miffy. My friends have told me exactly the same thing. But everytime I try and stop I can't. I tried to move on once before but he came back remember? He contacted me, that's the bit I don't understand.
... sigh ... anyway, how is exactly are you supposed to let go of someone who you never really had a hold on in the first place?
Thank you for replying guys
Even though it would be in your best interests. That's not love, that's obsession.
You let him.
He was straight out of a relationship and wanted to feel better about himself. Like I said, you're an ego boost. He knows he can keep you hanging on till something else comes along. Then he'll drop you quicker than you can blink and he'll feel justified because he told you all along that he didn't want you. Meanwhile he gets all the perks of a relationship without any of the drawbacks. And after all, why buy the cow if you're getting the milk for free??
You're heading for heartbreak lady, just hope you learn something from it.
Stop contacting him, when he calls tell him you're busy, get a life that doesn't include him!
Another thing, you seem to be idealising him. You say you've both grown up a lot. Well he hasn't has he? He really hasn't changed much at all when you come down to it. And you say he's a great friend. But is he, really? He's playing games with you, using you to bolster his ego, and, dare I say it, possibly as a backup shag (you haven't made it clear if you're still sleeping with him but I think you are), and treating you very cruelly when he knows how you feel about him and that you're going to get hurt. Maybe I'm being foolish, but I thought friends had each others interests at heart and looked out for each other. I certainly wouldn't treat my friends with such callous disregard.
I really think it's time to take off the rose tinted specs and see him for what he actually is.
I'm fine when I'm busy, at work or with friends or something. But when I'm by myself my thoughts wander and I'm left wanting to be with him again. Any ideas how to stop this? I hate not being in control of my emotions, makes me feel weak. I can't be busy all the time.
Even the most destructive bahaviour has a payoff or you wouldn't do it. You probably won't be able to stop this behaviour until you understand what you're gaining from it.
What are you getting out of this non-relationship that's keeping you locked in it?
He doesn't want to hurt me, he's said this hundreds of times before. He feels guilty about everything that has happened and I think that's why he can't let our relationship move on further. He's tried to stop us seeing each other, but everytime we really both fail. Even I've stopped us seeing each other.
I will try and move on, I have too. This is driving me insane!
Funny you should say that. I asked him something similar yesterday. I said "what can I possibly offer you now?"
I mean sure we can be friends but not if I keep wanting more, it's not really healthy to be arguing at the end spending time together.
Apart from when the argument arises, we do have a really good non sexual relationship. We can spend time in each others company doing nothing what so ever or go out and have some fun. But it's just afterwards I start to feel like crap when I realise I still want 'more'. I know I'm very weak when it comes to him, so I must stop.
Thank you so much for replying, I feel a lot better. Must dash to work now anyway, I'll be late if I don't leave in a few minutes!
You really really need to become the strong one here.
He doesn't want to hurt you..... but he's going to anyway? Come on!
Maybe it's just me, but I fail to see how feeling guilty about the past stops you being together in the present. It doesn't add up.
Anyway - the situation isn't going to change to your advantage by just carrying on as you are. You need to ask for what you want. As I said before, he's getting the milk for free. So stop giving him the milk. What you really want, what you've decided to hold out for is a relationship with him, so tell him, it's a relationship or nothing. And mean it. Then you'll have your answer. Don't beg, plead or cry. Just tell him. Don't let him whine or wheedle or manipulate you. It's a straight yes or no.
If he wants to think about it, give him a time limit.
I think maybe you have a problem with your self esteem to have settled for this nonsense, which by your own admission is driving you insane. Time to take charge of your life, so get in the driving seat and decide where you are going instead of drifting along with whatever happens! If he won't or can't give you what you want you can go out and find it.
You need to make a decision.
The question isn't what you can offer him, that's not in doubt! The question is, what is the bottom line on what he's going to offer you?
I guess its hard to let go of someone when you feel like the situation was never resolved.
U just need to talk things through with him, if things have got a chance of working, he'll be able to be honest, talk about how hes feeling, and not mess you around. Dont wait around forever though. And make sure he knows that, h either wants to be with you, or he doesnt.
Hope everything works out for you
You really need to be the strong one, and cut off all contact for good, even if it means blocking emails, changing numbers etc. You might want to stay friends, but only in the sense that you'll always be longing for him, and somehow hope he'll change his mind - chances are, he won't. He's had what he wants, and he's pretending to be a dithering fool to prolong it.
Don't rely on what people say - it's what they do that counts. And by the looks of it, he has hurt you time and time again - and you have allowed it to happen.
Then it's just not worth it. Getting your hopes up, the hurt, the pain, the memories. You need to come to terms with what happened, and move on. It's difficult, but there's help available even if it's just a chat to someone on the phone.
I still do want him in my life, but I think I just need to let go of hoping. Thank you all once again for your replies, I feel a lot lighter now I've gotten that all off my chest.
So what do you think is the best thing to do, now I've decided to just keep him as a friend? Have no contact with him until he contacts me? Just so he knows I've cooled off? And what if he invites me round his or asks to stay over mine? Shall I let him stay or ask him to go home? Two people in one bed who get on very well sexually shouldn't be sleeping over should they, if one of them has feelings for the other? I guess I should just ask him to go home then if we meet up again?
Don't be surprised if you see me posting on here a lot more now just to keep myself busy when I'm by myself thinking of him
Oh, well i guess he's doing you a favour then.
Or maybe he's spinning you another line, another excuse, to keep you right where he wants you. this is as bad as the 'i have to leave you cause i don't deserve you' line (translated: i slept with your best mate, but best not tell you, cause i quite like having you worship me).
this guy is USING you. he doesn't want a relationship, cause if he did, you'd be in one. all that guilty about the past stuff is bollocks so you keep him up on your pedestal.
you need to forget him. seriously. he isn't worth it.
I've decided now to just keep him as a friend. Saves the arguments, spares the feelings and I still get to see him this way. I'll let you know what happens when I meet him again, whenever that happens.
I know I'm determined to make what I just said above work, but it's only been a day since I've last seen him and within a week I really miss him. So I still have a long week ahead of me! Thanks guys
And that's what is making me determined to finish things with him because it's not worth it. If I like someone I'd want them to make me feel like I'm wanted. But like I said his not all too blame. I'll get there eventually, just may take some time and a few more tears