Depressed and stressed

Former Member

Hi there,

new to the site, wondered if anyone could help! :banghead:

I'm extremely depressed at the moment - I split from my wife last year, and pretty much straight away met someone else (who lives 100 miles away), who I fell head over heels in love with (too soon I know!). After 3 months, she told me she was pregnant (she insists the child is mine, but I now suspect she's not 100% on this) so I decided that I wanted to be with her (and the baby) and she agreed.

Anyway, I wasn't happy in my job, so I started looking for a job nearer to her, and got offered 3 all at the same time. I accepted the best one, and handed my notice in here, which made me really happy :yes: .

Two weeks before my months notice was up, she told me that she didn't think things would work out if I moved over there, and that she was ending the relationship. No other excuse, just that she didn't think it would work (Looking back now, she did seem unhappy and a bit secretive over things, but I just suspected it was the hormones).

As a result, I had to grovel to get back a job that I didn't like in the first place, and I am now facing the prospect of my baby (if it is mine) being over 100 miles away and my ex-girlfriend holding all the cards!!!

I don't know what to do, I feel so alone in all this, and have felt extremely down recently, I don't even know where to start with sorting things out.

K :nervous:

Former Member

coping with stress

anxiety and stress

look after yourself

new season, new start

understanding depression

Former Member

if the baby is yours, you do have rights as its father.
as for the relationship, although it hurts now; it does take two people for a relationship to work... if her heart wasn't / isn't in it... then as hard as it is, its best just to try and let go.
do you have anyone you can talk to about the way that feel atm?
also, wrt your job; ... it sounds like you had a number of sucsesses on the jobs front previously. so, if you don't like your current job, couldn't you look around for another?!

Former Member

Thanks Jane, really needed that to cheer me up!

Kev

Former Member

Hiya
First of all, you need to talk to your ex about the baby - her wishes, your wishes and where you go from there. If you are unsure if the baby is yours, try to have paternity test to be sure.
Father's rights can be very complicated if you aren't married - take a look at our birth father's rights article and this Q&A as a starting point.

If the baby is yours, you'll need to get your head around the idea - it sounds like you've had quite a tough time lately, so try talking to friends and family - or you could talk your problems through with an organisation such as Saneline or Supportline:

Saneline
Offers practical information, crisis care and emotional support to anybody affected by mental health problems.
Web: www.sane.org.uk
Tel: 0845 767 8000

SupportLine
Confidential and emotional support on the telephone for children, young adults and adults who are socially isolated, vulnerable, at risk and victims of any form of abuse.
Web: www.supportline.org.uk
Tel: 020 8554 9004

Good luck

Former Member

Hi Otter,

thanks for your post. I am looking for another job, but don't seem to be ahving much luck!!!

I know that I'm going to have to make her take a paternity test - when I have mentioned this though, she seems to back off, and comments things like "we don't need to do that, because I'll tell anybody that you are the baby's father" etc.

I'm just scared that if I do make her have a test, that the baby won't be mine!!! That would be the unltimate insult and hurt me even more. But, I need to know I suppose. I want to try to get on with my life, but feel I can't until the baby is born!

"Whats the point in always looking back, when all you see is more and more junk?" Manics - No Surface All Feeling

Kevin

Former Member

manickev wrote:

I'm just scared that if I do make her have a test, that the baby won't be mine!!! That would be the unltimate insult and hurt me even more. But, I need to know I suppose. I want to try to get on with my life, but feel I can't until the baby is born!

would you be satisfied just taking her word for it? - that you are the father? you do need to know for sure one way or the other... even if only for peace of mind.
if she has a paternity test and you are the father, you have rights to your child as i've mentioned before. if you want to pursue that, you can.
but, perhaps you could try looking at it another way if the baby is not yours; it might help you more easily come to terms with the end of the relationship, if its someone elses, because there would be nothing there in the relationship to hold onto. sometimes the hardest thing is just letting go, but if you could manage that, you'd be much more able to get on with the rest of your life.

Former Member

Yeah, definitely have got to have the test done. It's the waiting and the uncertainty that are absolutely killing me, my head has been in bits for weeks, and I just want to put an end to all this and get on with my life.

Former Member

talk to her about getting a test done then.
the sooner its done : the quicker your mind can be put to rest (one way or another.)
take care mate

Former Member

Will do - can't do anything until baby is born in July though!!! That's the problem

Former Member

manickev wrote:

Will do - can't do anything until baby is born in July though!!! That's the problem

so thats about 8 weeks give or take?! you need to aim to be be looking after yourself in that time... unfortunatly then there is not much you can do, except wait. but in the mean time, try doing stuff that can distract you from feeling down all the time: activity helps a lot... even if its just something simple.
no matter what she does / has done to you: you are the only one who can control how you feel and what you choose to think about is entirly at your discretion... you need to make space for other things to go on in your life besides just worrying over your problems (- easier said than done, i know - but it is achievable.)
may be too you could benefit from a course of counselling, - do you have anyone you can talk to atm about how you are feeling??? counselling, if you feel that might be a bit helpful, you could access via your gp; it might help you learn how to cope better with your feelings about the whole situation?!

Former Member

manickev wrote:

Thanks Jane, really needed that to cheer me up!

Kev

you're more than welcome

take care