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Another Boyfriend looking at porn problem

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
Ok, so Wednesday night, I go over to boyfriends and hes like mega mega horny to the point where hes handcuffed himself to the bed waiting for me to come in. Yeah, great, woo, fun, whatever.

The other night Im using his pc and find more porn sites on his history. I now realise he was so horny cos he was looking at porn and not cos he was thinking about me like he said he was. I feel hurt and pathetic.

Am I being stupid?

p.s - I havent said anything because I feel silly about it.
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Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I think that you are being a little over paranoid but i can see where your coming from. My ex had loads and loads of porn films etc on his pc and still has to my knowledge but i was never bothered by it, i like porn but not to a bloke's extent. he never said to me (ah i watched this porn and i want you to do this or that....) nothing like that... if he had of then i would of been pissed off lol

    i think you shouldnt worry about it x
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    ...
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hullo!

    How do you know that he was looking at that porn before you arrived...or is it something to do with the dates on the history?...!

    Basically, looking at porn to get randy is..well not a bad thing to an extent. I mean I wouldn't mind my blokey looking at porno, and at least he's not looking at it WHILST at it with you. He gets randy on the ideas...than he's exclusively yours...so it's not a total loss.

    Speak to him about how you feel. Porno is not gross, is not bad and it shouldn't be something you say "Noo!" to him looking at cause...well if he likes he will look at it.

    The only way you'll see his side of things, cause I doubt he's looking at porno because he doesn't find you sexually exciting...otherwise...well he wouldn't be gagging to have it with you...so, I wouldn't hugely concerned!

    Malt xxx :)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    No I suppose I shouldn't, but my mind still can't see the difference between him looking at porn and wanting to be with someone who looks like the girl he sees in the porn. I cant understand how he can look at the girl in the porn, whos sexually confident, slim and sexy and then be with me. *shrugs* Im being pathetic, I know, but I honestly cannot help myself. Its my own fault for using his PC.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    What bloke doesnt like porn? It can be a fun way to spice up your sex life, i love watching porn with my fella. Ask to join in next time, maybe even find a site you like!
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I don't mind him looking at porn, I honestly don't. But its more of a out of sight out of mind thing...if I don't know hes been looking at it, I can't worry about it.

    I just seem to stumble across things and I see them and feel bad about myself.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I don't mind watching sexy things with him, but the whole acting out what their doing/role playing stuff, quite frankly, scares me. Im not confident with myself or my performance in bed, and I think hes getting bored of me, but I can't help it. I'd love to be more imaginitive and forward in bed, but I just can't bring myself to do it.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    You don't have to do role play, try changing positions or giving more oral sex, that usually pleases them.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    He knows Ive seen it/found out cos he was there, and we were all a bit tipsy and having a drink, so I announced it in front of his friends, in a jokey way, and he just kinda stumbled over to me and told me not to look. Nothings been said since.

    The last time I found stuff, he knew I got upset and the same night we didnt have sex and I cut myself because I felt so stupid. (He doesnt know about the cutting).
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    well... how about you make ur own personal collection for him to look at! If he has pics e.t.c of you then maybe you may feel more comfortable or agree that you only watch it together!
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Ive sent him pictures of me...not explicit ones, but in my undies and stuff....but its obviously not good enough.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Don't worry about it too much. If the porn is affecting your sex life, then be concerned but I guess that he's a relatively young guy and full of normal guy-urges. I doubt he's REALLY imagining himself with the bird in the porn rather than being with you ....
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Alright, apparently the popular opinion is that it's no big deal, try not to worry about it too much, etc. But I'm sorry, if my boyfriend is looking at porn, it's going to bother me. It's one thing if you look at it as a couple, to enhance your sex life or just for fun. (as long as you both enjoy it) But I just can't be okay with my boyfriend looking at and getting turned on by other girls. I don't care if most would consider it 'uptight' or whatever. I think if a guy is in a relationship, (a mature one, anyway) he should talk to his girlfriend about how his looking at porn affects her. If he loves/cares about you, he should care about that. And if it's 'no big deal,' he shouldn't have any problem stopping if it makes you feel bad. I think it's crap to do it behind a girls back.

    I think it's a cop out to say "oh, all guys look at porn." and leave it at that. No, not all guys do. And if it bothers you, he SHOULD stop. If you were doing something that had to do with looking at other guys, wouldn't you stop for him?
  • littlemissylittlemissy knit chick Posts: 9,972
    Alright, apparently the popular opinion is that it's no big deal, try not to worry about it too much, etc. But I'm sorry, if my boyfriend is looking at porn, it's going to bother me. It's one thing if you look at it as a couple, to enhance your sex life or just for fun. (as long as you both enjoy it) But I just can't be okay with my boyfriend looking at and getting turned on by other girls. I don't care if most would consider it 'uptight' or whatever. I think if a guy is in a relationship, (a mature one, anyway) he should talk to his girlfriend about how his looking at porn affects her. If he loves/cares about you, he should care about that. And if it's 'no big deal,' he shouldn't have any problem stopping if it makes you feel bad. I think it's crap to do it behind a girls back.

    I think it's a cop out to say "oh, all guys look at porn." and leave it at that. No, not all guys do. And if it bothers you, he SHOULD stop. If you were doing something that had to do with looking at other guys, wouldn't you stop for him?

    Why does it bother you so much? Like, he can look but he won't ever be able to touch. Does him just wanking piss you off too? All he is doing is using stimulus while you are not there or whatever. It wouldn't be because he didn't find you sexy.

    Obviously, he should find out if the girl has issues about looking at porn but I think it would be a little selfish for her to have issues.

    You are right, not all guys look at porn. My boyfriend doesn't look at porn. However, if he wanted to then I wouldn't stop him. Also, if he was horny and I wasn't then I wouldn't be pissed off if he decided to take matters into his own hands either.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    My guy loves porn, and if I get a good ride because he's been busy on the comp - well I don't complain. We do watch some videos together too, so he knows I am cool about it.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    You're being stupid.

    Obviously it hasn't occurred to you that your boyfriend was horny, missing you, and decided to look at the next best thing instead. If you're not there then he will look at internet ladies, it doesn't mean he likes you or loves you any less.

    After all, what's he going to do, go and pull these girls? :rolleyes:
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I dont see the problem really. I can understand that you feel insecure, but he looked at the pictures and then he wanted to have sex with YOU.
    Theres an old saying " it doesnt matter where you get your appetite as long as you go home for dinner".
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    <font size=3>Nope, I don't care if he jerks off. That doesn't bother me at all.

    But yeah, I am insecure. I won't deny that, but that's not the whole reason it bothers me. And I know I'm not the only one, by far. There are plenty of girls who feel insecure by their boyfriend looking at porn. It makes them feel like they're not good enough, like they're supposed to look like that, etc. Or just the plain reason that it's another person who's turning them on. For whatever reason, it makes them feel bad, and how is that stupid? I don't understand why it's stupid or selfish to be bothered by your boyfriend looking at other girls. I don't care if he' "can't get them" because they're just porn stars. It just isn't okay with some people, and no one should have to justify why. Then girls are left feeling like crap because they feel bad about it, but feel like they have to justify themselves or not speak up because it's just "supposed to be okay". People who say it's 'stupid' and 'selfish' to have a problem with it just make it all worse. If your boyfriend is understanding, it shouldn't be a problem for him to stop. You're not telling him to never look at a girl, ever. It's not unreasonable. Some people are just bothered by the person they love looking at other people sexually.

    I've had boyfriends that were bothered by that kind of thing, so it goes both ways sometimes. Some people are cool with it, some people won't ever feel alright with it. Just like some people are fine with threesomes, and some people couldn't do it for jealousy, or any other reason. (I know that's different because that's phsyical and real, but my point is, different people can't be alright with things others could) My current boyfriend doesn't want me checking out other guys, (not that I would, but he wouldn't want me to) and that's how I see porn. Whether you can get the person or not isn't the point. If it makes you feel bad, it makes you feel bad. It seems pretty impossible to just MAKE yourself feel fine about it. If the person loves you, they wouldn't want to do something that makes you feel bad. Just like you shouldn't do anything that would make them feel bad.

    It's just a difference of opinion. If you're okay with it, then that's great for you. But if you're not, don't feel like you have to pretend you are just because some people think you're automatically supposed to be fine with it.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    porn = good :D
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    lowther wrote:
    porn = good :D

    <font size=3>Very well put argument. :p
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    <font size=3>Nope, I don't care if he jerks off. That doesn't bother me at all.

    But yeah, I am insecure. I won't deny that, but that's not the whole reason it bothers me. And I know I'm not the only one, by far. There are plenty of girls who feel insecure by their boyfriend looking at porn. It makes them feel like they're not good enough, like they're supposed to look like that, etc. Or just the plain reason that it's another person who's turning them on. For whatever reason, it makes them feel bad, and how is that stupid? I don't understand why it's stupid or selfish to be bothered by your boyfriend looking at other girls. I don't care if he' "can't get them" because they're just porn stars. It just isn't okay with some people, and no one should have to justify why. Then girls are left feeling like crap because they feel bad about it, but feel like they have to justify themselves or not speak up because it's just "supposed to be okay". People who say it's 'stupid' and 'selfish' to have a problem with it just make it all worse. If your boyfriend is understanding, it shouldn't be a problem for him to stop. You're not telling him to never look at a girl, ever. It's not unreasonable. Some people are just bothered by the person they love looking at other people sexually.

    I've had boyfriends that were bothered by that kind of thing, so it goes both ways sometimes. Some people are cool with it, some people won't ever feel alright with it. Just like some people are fine with threesomes, and some people couldn't do it for jealousy, or any other reason. (I know that's different because that's phsyical and real, but my point is, different people can't be alright with things others could) My current boyfriend doesn't want me checking out other guys, (not that I would, but he wouldn't want me to) and that's how I see porn. Whether you can get the person or not isn't the point. If it makes you feel bad, it makes you feel bad. It seems pretty impossible to just MAKE yourself feel fine about it. If the person loves you, they wouldn't want to do something that makes you feel bad. Just like you shouldn't do anything that would make them feel bad.

    It's just a difference of opinion. If you're okay with it, then that's great for you. But if you're not, don't feel like you have to pretend you are just because some people think you're automatically supposed to be fine with it.


    I totally agree with all of this.
    I am a girl who hates the idea of her boyfriend looking at porn, and it did cause trust problems in my last relationship.

    It makes me angry when people argue "but theyre unobtainable" and "she wouldnt want him" because none of these things are the point, the focus is that fact that your boyfriend would like to be with any of those girls and thats what hurts.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I totally agree with all of this.
    I am a girl who hates the idea of her boyfriend looking at porn, and it did cause trust problems in my last relationship.

    It makes me angry when people argue "but theyre unobtainable" and "she wouldnt want him" because none of these things are the point, the focus is that fact that your boyfriend would like to be with any of those girls and thats what hurts.

    <font size=3>It's nice that someone agrees and knows what I'm talking about. :)

    I agree, it's not the point if your boyfriend could get the girl or not. There's plenty of reasons it would bother someone, but for me the bottom line is, he's looking at someone else sexually, and that can hurt. And it does hurt many girls. And it's perfectly reasonable. Just because someone doesn't agree or feel the same way, doesn't automatically make it 'stupid.'
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Who got the benefit, you or them?

    Does he always need to look at porn before you get it on? If not then why worry. Obviously it's you he actually has sex with...
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    If you were doing something that had to do with looking at other guys, wouldn't you stop for him?
    My GF looks at porn when I'm not about and I'd probably say if I was looking from your point of view there is plenty for me to get uptight about if I wanted to. My GF is watching 12" dicks knock the fuck out of girls, I could get all funny and say "I think you want a 12 incher" *moan moan moan moan moan* but whats the point?? I watch it and relieve myself when necessary, as does she, we also watch it together and we both also watch it when getting head off each other. Its no biggie what-so-ever. Also its made the sex the best i've ever had because she trys all the things she sees in pornos without any prompting from me, its like a video teacher :yes: Maybe you could look at it from this point of view, he may learn a few more tricks and then you would be the lucky one he is trying it out on. :)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    *grins @ Kermit*

    Thank you.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    i can completely relate.my ex also had a habit of always dropping in comments which most guys would only say around other guys..i had little self esteem in the first place+now i have even less.i couldnt understand why he wanted to be with me so i asked him, i never got any reasons, just got told not to ask.at least ur guy likes you for you+ur not filling someone elses place
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I don't understand why woman get so hung up about this. It's not like your blokes gonna run off with these porn stars. You get horny you use a vibe or dildo, he gets horny he looks at porn. the guy could quite easily get upset and you using a sex toy, could make him feel inadequate.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    It makes them feel like they're not good enough, like they're supposed to look like that, etc.

    But it's not your boyfriend's problem you are ridiculously insecure.
    Or just the plain reason that it's another person who's turning them on.

    Technically it is, if you want to look at it like that, but in reality it isn't.

    Whilst nobody would beat off looking at a girl they thought was ugly, the simple fact is that a bloke looking at porn isn't going "gee, that girl has delicious labia, I'd like to marry her!" He isn't even thinking "I'd give her some of that", he is turned on by a pretty girl having sex or being naked. The sex is the important issue, not the girl having it.
    If your boyfriend is understanding, it shouldn't be a problem for him to stop.

    If your girlfriend was understanding she'd understand that you aren't cheating on her, looking at anyone else, or going to dump her, and would stop being so needlessly sensitive, jealous and self-deprecating.

    If you have ever masturbated thinking about Brad Pitt or some such person, you're being a hypocrite.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Kermit wrote:
    But it's not your boyfriend's problem you are ridiculously insecure.

    In some [lots of] cases, it actually is the boyfriends fault. But even if it isn't,, he should still be UNDERSTANDING. People usually have other issues from their past, when they come into relationships. And you can either be an ass about it, or you can be understanding. My boyfriend is a jealous person. It makes sense, 'cause of stuff that's happened to him in previous relationships. I can sit there and say "well it's not my fault, oh well" and do whatever I wanted, but that's be a really bitchy thing to do, because he can't just change how he feels about things. So I try to respect him as much as I can in that aspect. You shouldn't just have the attitude that since it isn't 'your fault,' it means you can do anything you want, regardless of how it makes your girlfriend feel.
    Technically it is, if you want to look at it like that, but in reality it isn't.

    But you can't speak for every guy about the 'reality' of it. And yeah, technically, it is. And that's the part that I'm talking about.
    Whilst nobody would beat off looking at a girl they thought was ugly, the simple fact is that a bloke looking at porn isn't going "gee, that girl has delicious labia, I'd like to marry her!" He isn't even thinking "I'd give her some of that", he is turned on by a pretty girl having sex or being naked. The sex is the important issue, not the girl having it.

    If the sex is the important issue, and not the girl having it, why did you say "no one would beat off to a girl they thought was ugly"? Also, if it's the important issue, why not just watch 2 guys going at it if the person having it isn't important, just the act. The bottom line is, he is still turned on by a pretty girl, naked, like you said yourself. Turned on by another girl. You can justify it any way you want, but that doesn't change that fact that it still bothers people. I'm not trying to defend why it bothers people, just that it does, and should be respected. Just like any issue that comes up in a relationship.
    If your girlfriend was understanding she'd understand that you aren't cheating on her, looking at anyone else, or going to dump her, and would stop being so needlessly sensitive, jealous and self-deprecating.

    Not true. It's one thing to be understanding that your girlfriend feels bad about you looking at other girls, getting turned on by other girls, jerking off to other girls (which makes sense, even if you don't agree, it still makes sense, why that would bother someone. It's not completely unfounded) But you can't just assume the girlfriend isn't an understanding person because it bothers her. Who are you to say she hasn't tried to be understanding, and still couldn't feel okay about it? If it's "not a big deal" (which it is to some people, but your argument is that it's not) it shouldn't be such a big deal to stop. If it is, it's a bigger issue than people let on. Whether or not the person looking at it is cheating, or going to dump you isn't the issue. It's just the simple fact of them being turned on by another person. And like I said earlier, people can't just 'stop' feeling what they feel. And they shouldn't have to, just so a guy can look at some porn. There are issues my boyfriend has too that I understand he can't "just stop," so I try to work with him on it.
    If you have ever masturbated thinking about Brad Pitt or some such person, you're being a hypocrite.

    But I haven't. Not while I was with someone. So I'm not being a hypocrite.

    You get horny you use a vibe or dildo, he gets horny he looks at porn. the guy could quite easily get upset and you using a sex toy, could make him feel inadequate.

    I don't use a dildo or vibrator. But if I did and it bothered my boyfriend for some reason, I wouldn't use it, simple as that. Cause something as pointless as using a dildo/vibrator isn't worth it to make him feel bad.

    My GF looks at porn when I'm not about and I'd probably say if I was looking from your point of view there is plenty for me to get uptight about if I wanted to. My GF is watching 12" dicks knock the fuck out of girls, I could get all funny and say "I think you want a 12 incher" *moan moan moan moan moan* but whats the point?? I watch it and relieve myself when necessary, as does she, we also watch it together and we both also watch it when getting head off each other. Its no biggie what-so-ever.

    Right, but you don't have a problem with it, that's the difference. And you watch it, so you're more inclined to not have a problem with it. And that's fine, you two are fine with it and that's great. But I'm talking about when someone watches it, and the person they're with is bothered by it.
    I could get all funny and say "I think you want a 12 incher" *moan moan moan moan moan* but whats the point??

    You're right, there's no point in trying to look for problems if you're fine with it. But if you already feel bad about it and can't help that, there's where the problem comes in.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    It makes me angry when people argue "but theyre unobtainable" and "she wouldnt want him" because none of these things are the point, the focus is that fact that your boyfriend would like to be with any of those girls and thats what hurts.

    But guys who look at porn don't want to be with any of those girls, none at all in fact. Just seeing the sex is a turn on :/ doesn't mean you want it. Don't know if this helps, but if you are missing your boyfriend and you see a couple walking down the street arm in arm all cuddly doesn't it make you want your boyfriend more? Doesn't mean you want to cuddle that person, its just that it reminds you of your boyfriend.

    TBH I've never paid that much attention to the actual women in porn, apart from once, when she looked like someone I knew :p so I sent it to my (male) friends. But that's just what a lot of guys do really...
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