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The end of a longterm relationship...
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
How do we cope with it?
I broke up with my boyfriend of two years four weeks ago and I'm still having to take everyday as it comes.
Nothing awful happened, no one cheated, but for a number of stupid reasons a lot of the fun and most importantly the trust went from our relationship. We are both in our final year of uni and handling the stress differently, we started to niggle at each other and it just wasn't as good anymore.
However being the type of person I am I was trying to ignore the problems and just hope things would improve again, my boyfriend however was ready to face up to reality and, I guess, he broke up with me. For the first week and a half I was in complete denial waiting for him to change his mind and a complete wreck, but since then things have gotten better.
We have said we want to stay friends, two years is a big part of your life and above all else he was my best friend, but whilst i hate the thought of losing him, I hate the thought of him with someone else.
I don't really know if I am going to be able to be his friend, its got the stage now where when i dont hear from him i dont think about him and im fine, just getting on with my life and so on (believe me three weeks ago i never thought i could feel like this again)...however each time i speak to him which is an odd text every couple of days i either find myself getting upset or wondering if hes met someone new etc etc...
I know everyone deals with things differently but I've always found there something comforting finding out how different people have come through things, so my question is really...
Can you be friends after being in love with someone?
I broke up with my boyfriend of two years four weeks ago and I'm still having to take everyday as it comes.
Nothing awful happened, no one cheated, but for a number of stupid reasons a lot of the fun and most importantly the trust went from our relationship. We are both in our final year of uni and handling the stress differently, we started to niggle at each other and it just wasn't as good anymore.
However being the type of person I am I was trying to ignore the problems and just hope things would improve again, my boyfriend however was ready to face up to reality and, I guess, he broke up with me. For the first week and a half I was in complete denial waiting for him to change his mind and a complete wreck, but since then things have gotten better.
We have said we want to stay friends, two years is a big part of your life and above all else he was my best friend, but whilst i hate the thought of losing him, I hate the thought of him with someone else.
I don't really know if I am going to be able to be his friend, its got the stage now where when i dont hear from him i dont think about him and im fine, just getting on with my life and so on (believe me three weeks ago i never thought i could feel like this again)...however each time i speak to him which is an odd text every couple of days i either find myself getting upset or wondering if hes met someone new etc etc...
I know everyone deals with things differently but I've always found there something comforting finding out how different people have come through things, so my question is really...
Can you be friends after being in love with someone?
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Comments
I'm friends with some of my exes, I occasionally talk to some others and then there are some that absolutely loathe me. It can work, provided both people get over any bitterness of the breakup and can avoid being jealous in future.
I know what you mean about the stresses of the last year. My girlfriend and I are hardly at eachothers' throats but it's not the same fun it was in first year. There have been a few occasions where I've considered a split but without being completely arrogant and self centred about it, I can't justify hurting her, she's done nothing wrong, and particularly not so close to exams. My current thinking is to wait until we graduate and just see what happens.
Concentrate on your work and friends for the time being. Anything could happen from here on in. Good luck!
See, thats kinda the thinking I had the only difference was my boyfriend will be staying at uni for another year (masters) whereas I will be finished in May. He found the idea of me staying up here just for him an enormous amount of pressure, and to be honest it was a big risk for me too.
Whilst it did mess me up and my bf did feel really awful about upsetting me so close to exams i am glad he said it before it was too late, whilst i wished we could have worked it out i cant think of anything worse then someone staying with me for pity or convience.
Anyway, if you still love/whatever her, give it a chance
I was with my ex for about five and a half years. Given that I'm still only 21 you can pretty much imagine that I spent most of my formative years with him. We're still friends, but we weren't friends for the first six months or so. Since we have mutual friends our encounters were kept to meetings at the pub when pther people were around and we never spoke on the phone or text one another more than formalities.
Now we're really close friends. You need to have that time apart to grieve properly for the other person and what you've lost.
My advice is this:
Have boundaries that you don't cross. Trust me, if you cross them nothing good will come from it.
Give each other time and space before you venture on a friendship.
Make time for other friends.
I doubt you'll have the same problems given that you're both at uni etc.
There are different kinds of love. Having a break does not solve all problems.
I'm not sure breaks ever solve any problems. We've all seen Friends.
Yes I know it's not real life.
Yeah I agree.
I dont think a break is really serious enough to solve anything, if you know youll get back together then why bother changing? Its not a big enough change to make you sit up and tackle problems.
At first i really wanted us to get back together, but as tie goes by i can see that things werent perfect....
Thank you all for your different opinions
i totally agree with this! im friends with one of my exes but it wasnt til 6-8 months after we broke up. straight away i dont think i couldve done it and i admire you for trying!
hope ur doing ok hun let us know XxXoOo
You can still be friends with your ex but you need to give it time to let both of you deal with it personally. Dont rush it or push friendship because it might not turn out how you want it to
i broke up wid my serious b/f n thats wen i stopt wid all the commitment stuff.. cuz fallin in love hurts alot.
im really sorry that u broke up wid ur bf. if there is still a chance for you 2 to work stuff out do it afta xams wen both of u are not stresed ?
but if there aint a chance then just be happy you was with him and just enjoy the company of your friends and family to get you through each day?
I know exactly what you're going through. I split with my girlfriend of a year about a month ago as well. I thought I was doing well but to be honest I am really struggling still. I guess that is because I am still totally in love with her! I have days when I am ok and then days when I'm pretty down.
Our situation sounds similar to you. The trust has started to go, this was in part down to her friends. They were both cheating on their respective partners. I did not know this and my ex did not want me to know either. She became more secretive in her actions, purely because she was trying to protect these two girls and our relationship started to suffer. We started arguing and like you I bottled stuff up rather than bring stuff in to the open that could jeopardise our relationship. In hindsight that was the worst thing I could have done but at the time when you're so in love with them it's pretty hard to recognise the fact that you should deal with the issues then rather than hoping they will just go away.
Anyway, I bumped into these two girls over the weekend. They apologised for their behaviour and told me they feel responsible for the break up of my relationship.
I want to talk to my ex about it but she is very independent minded and see's that she has made her decision and is moving on. But we were so in love, talking about marriage, we lived together etc. I can't quite understand how she can let go so easily.
She want's to be friends and I clung to that for awhile but I know deep down I can't be. I just lover her too much still for that. It would do me more harm than good.
I'm not sure I've given any advice, it's just nice to get stuff off your chest and realise you're not the only person out there feeling so low. It's been tough, I'm normally a really upbeat guy, I know it will get better with time but I just want her back!
My ex is on msn, I know because i signed in as offline a couple of hours ago, then he came on and has been on it ever since.
I can't stop wondering who it is he's talking to, I *know* none of his real life friends are on because they are all on my list too, so i can only think it must be another girl...either someone hes met recently or an online girl.
I kinda want to sign in properly and ask but i know i caqnt cos its none of my buissness anymore.
Gah, i dont know what to do, someone talk some sense into me please
whether you should is a different matter.
i am civil and friendly with my exes. we chat, we catch up occasionally. but i don't think i'd be friends with them in the true sense of the word. too much has happened. and i don't think it's particularly fair on mr. k.
With my boyfirend/partner now we broke up after 1 year and i stopped all communication with him because i couldn't stand going through the same pain as you are when he text's you etc. he hated the fact that i didn't want to see or speak to him - After a month or so I agreed to see him because i missed him a lot, we talked abou our problems in the past and decided to start seeing eachother again. The break that we had, we both really needed - we have now been together for 3 years.
Good luck with everything
Yes wise words, wish I'd had that outlook all my life. I still bare some of the emotional scars of my childhood sweetheart relationship when I was 16. I'm going on 20 now, and I know it seems rediculous but it's hard to control these things. When I see the girl I feel very strange and cut up inside, even though I've went out with several girls since, it's her that really gets to me. You just gotta grin and bear it and move on. We're all pretty young people in the context of things. You may never meet the love of your life until your in your 30s or something. Everything will be grand. :yes: