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some advice

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
i will quicklie say that i have been a watcher on here for a while but just now signed up.

i've been reading thru many posts on depression and i do suppose that mine is going to be the same but i feel i would like to just take a minute and try and write down what is upseting me at the moment.

wen i first went to little school at 6 i was bullied from then until i left high school at 16 and im not sure if this has made me into the person who i am today or if it was my home life. my mum wraped me up in cotten wall and my dad was a more of the type of person who wanted me to learn by my mistakes i suppose. my dad also used to argue with mum alot which i think affected me to a degree and he used to hit her and sometimes hit me but that was wen i was in the wrong, sometimes if i was quite bad he used to kind of beat me up but not really badly. i aways lived in fear of doing things or saying things just incase i got into trouble with him and i guess that would be why im not a very outgoing and a shy person. im not sure if its right to blame him though.

since then ive developed mild depression which i think comes and goes and also developed social anxiety. the anxiety is the worse because i cannot travel without fear of crashing so i avoid that as much as possible. i cannot got out with mates apart from the local pub because i seem to get panic attacks because i dont feel in a safe place like at home. my head at present is mixed up with many thoughts and ideas some of which are not nice and loads of dreams that seem to distant to touch. the thoughts i have seem to be violent ones but gladly i would __never__ act on, im not like that as i hate violence.

i seem to treat my mum who i love more than the whole world like shit because i need to feel guilt for some reason and i have no idea why. i think maybe it could be because i feel i need to maybe be punished for i put my family though wen i was going through a rough patch at school. it also seems like now all of what is happening to me is part of karma because of the way i treated people in my early days. i was no saint and i suppose my dad had a right to treat me the way he did. i think i would of maybe done the same. he doesnt do anything like that now though, we get on, i learned respect works both ways.

any way. i am now 24 and have never lived the life of someone my age should have. i have a job with crap pay, no partner, no gcse's, no formal qualifications. i see no future for my self and unless i stop thinking the way i do and feeling the way i do i will never have a future or anything that i want from life. im not a stupid person, i can do things that anyone else can buy my lazzyness doesnt help. ive had help in the past which has worked to an extent. i was given some Prozac for the depression but i dont like to take them just in case they alter me in some way i dont like.

i need ideas of how to become a normal human being and i am all fresh out of ideas and time is running out as i am getting no younger. i need to experience at least some good things and maybe even try to forgive my self for things i shouldnt of done.

i dont know if that made any sence but i need to say something before i turn even more mad.

Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    mixedmode wrote:
    i need ideas of how to become a normal human being and i am all fresh out of ideas and time is running out as i am getting no younger. i need to experience at least some good things and maybe even try to forgive my self for things i shouldnt of done.

    i dont know if that made any sence but i need to say something before i turn even more mad.
    how to become a normal human being ...if you have been reading this place you must surely realise you are a normal human being ...
    stick around be patient.
    thinking of you.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Firstly, you are a normal human being. You're describing normal emotions and normal responses. Your depression and social anxiety are the main things that are troubling you and it seems like you are already seeing your GP about it.

    The one thing I might suggest is maybe talking to your dad about what you're feeling. Do you get on well enough now to have a heart to heart and let him know that you think about the times when he used to hit you? I think it often does a lot of good and helps to heal old wounds if you get these things off your chest.
  • ClaireBearClaireBear Deactivated Posts: 467 Listening Ear
    I know you're not keen on taking the medication that's been prescribed to you but you might find it useful to go back to your GP and talk it through with them - they'll be able to talk to you about what it does and how it might make you feel etc. They will also be able to discuss talking therapies with you.

    If you do choose to go back it might be useful for you to read about some of the different treatments first too.

    CB
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