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I want out.... bite the bullet, or wait til the kids are older?
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
After some heartsearching I conclude that I do not want to spend the rest of my life with my wife of 20 years. We have two kids, early/preteens. In an earlier post I said how I was drifting into a probable affair with a close friend and colleague.. this has now happened and is a pleasant distraction from home problems. I am not 'desperate' at home, just resigned that despite endless rows and recriminations, we are never going to get back on the same wavelength.. and I really don't want to anymore.
So.... do I tread water for 4 or 5 more years until the kids are closer to leaving, and then go, or deal with it now? If sooner, I can and would provide generous financial settlement & support to my wife/kids, and would wish to have the kids 50% of the time. (The girl I have been close to recently is happily divorced and single-parenting herself, and neither of us wants a permanent, live-in type relationship with each other or anyone else.. just fun. If I leave my wife now, it would be to live alone.)
What do you think?
dunc
So.... do I tread water for 4 or 5 more years until the kids are closer to leaving, and then go, or deal with it now? If sooner, I can and would provide generous financial settlement & support to my wife/kids, and would wish to have the kids 50% of the time. (The girl I have been close to recently is happily divorced and single-parenting herself, and neither of us wants a permanent, live-in type relationship with each other or anyone else.. just fun. If I leave my wife now, it would be to live alone.)
What do you think?
dunc
0
Comments
I thought for many years that I would stay because of the children or wait until they were older, looking back I should have left when they were a lot younger (they were 7 and 11). Children are very resiliant when they are young and seem to accept things far more easily than children that are in their teens. They both knew that things wernt right at home and that neither myself or their dad were happy and Im glad to say that they took it very well. Nowadays so many children have parents that are seperated or divorced that it doesnt come as such a shock to them and they get a lot more support than they used to when I was younger.
You only have one life, and yes your actions may hurt others along the way, but the longer you leave it the more hurt it will cause. I know that if my parents waited until I was older to divorce I would have felt very hurt and decieved, i would have thought that I was to blame for their unhappiness.
There may be a lot of anger, tears and a lot of home truths thrown at you by your children if you do decide to leave but at then end of the day you are their dad and always will be, they wont forget that, and eventually given time they will learn to accept the situation.
I hope all works out for you. x
No I don't mean to say what you're doing is bad, I just hope the kids aren't witness to the arguements. If I were in your position then I would go my seperate way before the arguements started, before my partner had figured I'd been having a fling. See otherwise, if the kids know you're cheating they could hold it against you in the future.
You should probably consider other things though like relationship counselling.
It can only be your decision in the end.
think the kids will be fine after a while. not convinced that you will get to see them 50% of the time though.
have just done a 3000word essay on divorce and its effects on children - at the age your children are they are more resiliant and able to cope. the key point is to keep it as amicable as possible between yourself and soon to be ex and to be honest about your reasons- although i would advise against letting them know about your gf for a while. let them know how much they mean to you and that you will always love them no matter what. and be prepared for them to test that theory.
dunc
Leave your wife and only then start the affair/fun.
If you are sure you want out then do it, dont mess with peoples feelings. The kids should adapt just as long as you be honest with them. They need to know that they are not the problem and make sure you really clarify that, you dont want them thinking they are the problem because thats when things could get messy.
Sorry to hear what you are going through, it must be very difficult. Have you considered couples counselling or family counselling to help you all to deal with it, or even individual counselling to help you take the next step.
Just in case you want some professional help or advice, Relate is a great organisation to go through, it might be worth looking into.
Here's their details:
Relate
Telephone: 01788 573241
www.relate.org.uk
Good luck, hope it all works out for you whatever you decide.
I think you have already found your own answer TBH...and although you could consider some family therapy...it's not worth trying to hold something together that has already broken. And like you said "I really don't want to anymore."
Undoubtably the rows that you are having will be having an effect on all family members: do your kids hear you rowing? how do they feel about it?
From what other people have said, I presume your kids are old enough for you to be able to explain to them. Sometimes you have to make really hard decisions in everbody's best interest - whatever that might be, and thats up to you to decide. Have you talked (not rowed) to your wife about it?
My parents divorced when I was at high school... my dad would beat my mum until she agreed she should stay "for the sake of the children" but one day she just walked out - best thing she ever did!
It's not worth being miserable, and staying together just for the kids, believe me... and they will understand... even if that takes a bit of time.
You say that you are willing to provide financially and see them a lot - those are good things, and it means your kids won't be loosing out on a father.
good luck with whatever you decide to do,
otter.
But make sure you keep contact with your children. when my dad left his first wife, his first wife turned into a complete bitch, and turned his kids against him. which now means that he's lost one daughter for good, and the other one's finding it difficult to get to know him.
You said what I guess I didn't have the guts to... Cuz I was worried I'd get flamed.
But like I say, get out of the relationship. Trust me because I know what my Dad did to my Mum by cheating because he wasn't man enough to stay faithful. Hey, one day I may cheat on my partner for a bit of fun, so maybe one day I'll be a hypocrit... But please don't put your kids through any hurt... Because like it or not you're a role model to them and trust me, your actions are taking them through to adulthood... You're an influence and they should be proud of their father, not ashamed like I am of my Dad.
Get your head sorted some way or another because you'll only end up hurting people and that hurt will take a good while to erase (if it ever is...)
As for having affairs now. It onlky makes divorces messier and hard feelings millions of times worse. My current guy was in a similar situation to you, when me and him got together through an affair. Don't expect anyone here to approve of it and to be honest I hate myself for getting involved, but we fell in love and feelings couldn't be helped. It certainly isn't the best way to start a rel, we've been through a lot and there's a lot more to get through before we can be a "normal" couple.
Do the kids really have to know?
I repeat: Each person is different. Your children's reaction might be totally different. I thought you should remember this as a possible outcome, but it can be much worse.
That's what happened in our household when i was 8 and i was a pretty resilient kid about it. It does screw up your views of relationships, love, trust etc. the older you get though. Saying that my parents got through and are still together. So divorce isn't always the key. Although to be honest my parents are approaching their 60's now and i think for them it's more a comfort/companion thing than a love thing. If they got divorced now then they'd both be very lonely i think.
It's a hit and miss situation i'm afraid. Each persons situations/feelings are different. Just because other people have been through the situation then it doesn't mean that divorce is the best option. I have to agree with mich22 when he said relate would be a good option.
However, my dad walked out 3 weeks before xmas 2001 when i was only 13 and I'll never forgive him. My mum cried for months, my brother didn't understand and all I got from my father was a call at night. No matter what my mum tried to do, be it counselling or calling him or looking pretty for him, it didn't work. To be honest, that's what pissed me off most, the fact that he could seemingly walk out on his wife of 23 years and his two kids and not look back. It was always about him, " oh I'm so unhappy" or "but sometimes things don't work out" or (and this one really got me) "your mum and I have been dead for a years, she was fooling herself to think that we could work things out with a few weeks of counselling."
Even now we fight about it because that's still what I see, a selfish, selfish man. He uses the same excuses now as he did then. He wasn't prepared to try, even if only for tryings sake.It was always about him. He snubbed the counselling by cancelling sessions or turning up late or generally just didn't communicate.
So really what I'm trying to say is that no matter how you feel right now, there is the possibility that your children could feel like I do and grow up disliking their father so much that they won't even speak to him.
On the flip side, they could totally understand and be fine. But that's a chance you have to take, a choice for you to make and nothing anyone on here can say will make up your mind for you.
sorry if I've offended anyone.
There seemed at least slight doubt that I would/could see my kids for 50% of the time.. let me assure you I would and can. My kids are very precious to me, and, ignoring mine and my wife's many failings, we both love them and would not cause them pain by using them as bombs against each other... my wife will be financially better off than any court or CSA etc would ever decide, so there will be no catalysts to cause her to change from that view.. I won't give her anything to fight about. I realise that once the marriage breaks, these things can/do change, but it will be unlikely.
My reason for the o.p. was really to canvass opinions about now or later.. it looks like now has more favour than later...
thanks again
dunc
I posted earlier on and it seems that your situation and the situation I was in are so, so alike! It may sound absolutely awful to a lot of people and I apologise now , but my affair (lasing only 2 weeks) was a real eye-opener for me also and I consider it a good thing that happened. My ex never knew about it and neither did my children and they still dont. Like you, it demonstrated to me that after years of being put down and made to feel very insecure by my husband, someone could actually like me for being me and actually enjoyed my company!
Even though it was me that left, I have never and would never stop my children from seeing their Dad. We live 150 miles away from each other but my children still see him every other weekend and for all of the summer holidays and half terms.
You say that your ex will be better off financially but from my experience if your wife has to go onto benefits of any kind then the CSA will automatically become involved so you may not have a choice - although you can always give her extra money on top of the CSA.
Good luck with it all x
Ok going from myself and my friends, most of us went through things as kids I'm 100% positive we'd deal with and handle as well today as we did then, mainly because we're far more aware of the world and the consequences of actions today.
Thanks for your thoughts Loopy.... it sounds like there is light at the end of the tunnel (and doesn't it make you smile when someone enjoys being with you after ages without? :hyper: )
Re CSA... I would ensure that my wife (and kids when with her) wre well taken care of... and we would all live within a few miles, so I'd expect to have them alternate weeks anyway.. I'm self-employed and can pick my hours easily, so no probs with scvhool drops/pickups etc.
dunc
what do you mean have them alternate weeks? once you've split up then that's it, children are gonna be living with one parent or the other, not shifting between places. still see them afetr school, weekends, etc.
I won't say "sorry if I'm offending" because I'm not. You posted this for people's opinions and this is mine. But then, I view anyone prepared to walk out on a marriage because "it doesn't work" or "I'm bored" as selfish. Marriage is for life, not till one partner finds someone better or grows tired of it.
also think you underestimate the wrath of a dumped woman, regardless of what you think she will be like.
doubt you will listen though because you didnt listen to us in your first thread when the overall consensus was under no circumstances start an affair- sort your own head out about your marriage and deal with that first.
Does not always work that way though, we do get married and hope it will be for life but not every marriage is this fairy tale that people imagine it to be. Marriage break ups do happen and will keep on happening.
Oh yeah I agree some people wont work at it, they hit a problem and its divorce.
In the case we are talking about here he is in the wrong in my opinion because if you wanna have affairs/chat up other females blah blah then at least have the decency to leave your wife before you do it.
cant argue with that