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Argh shameful problem

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
I'm having serious problems with attraction. I just cant talk to my friends or anyone I know about this because I'm so ashamed. Lately I've been very very attracted to a few women I know who I consider possibilities if you get me. But I dont want to be attracted to them at all. I dont like them. Infact I hate them. Yet I am so attracted. The problem became imminent when I started imagining sex with them instead of my gf. I dont like this at all. I love my girlfriend so much and I am so ashamed of being attracted to someone else now. I need help with 2 things.

1.) Is this normal?
2.) How can I stop it. My girlfriend is as attractive if not more attractive then them. Wtf is wrong with me.

My girlfriend lives in a different country and I cant see her for another 2 years. She just moved a month ago. I miss her so much. This problem originated about 2 weeks after she left. It would be so easy to do something behind her back. I think thats why I imagine having sex with them. I really dont like it. I love my girlfriend so much and I dont want to end up snapping and cheating on her. I know if I dont do something about this now it'll slowly get worse. I'm a really weak person and these girls have layed themselves on a silver platter.

This is really tearing me apart. I feel like a horrible boyfriend. I wish I wasnt plagued with the thought of these other girls. :(

Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hiya
    First of all, relax. It's perfectly normal to be attracted to other people - there aren't many people in long term relationships that could honestly say they have NEVER been attracted to other people. The hard bit is learning how to process these thoughts and put them in the right place. You obviously have no doubts at all that you love and are attracted to your girlfriend, so see these other girls for what they are - fantasies - and leave them as that. The funny thing about fantasies are that if you lived them out for real they wouldn't be your fantasies anymore. Appreciate other people's beauty but then be glad that you have a wonderful girlfriend of your own.
    Secondly, you have the enormous pressure of a long distant relationship - notoriously difficult things to keep going. You'll need to put lots of effort into keeping communication open - and surprising each other from a distance!

    Take a look at these links they may help you out:

    Successful monogamy

    True love

    Communicating as a couple

    ;)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    But.. but.. I'm not just attracted to them. If I wanted, I could be having sex with them tomorrow. When I dont live near my gf anymore, its hard to think about her 24/7 like I used to. Sometimes I could just be talking to one of these girls and know that in 10 minutes I could be having sex with them. It's driving me insane. I've tried reasoning with myself but its not working.

    Lately everytime I think about sex I write something over and over again in this big book to hopefully stop my mind from straying towards these girls. But everytime I'm with them its getting harder and harder to resist. I wish guys weren't so stupid - when I'm with them I dont think about my gf. I just think you could be screwing her in 10 mins and your gf would never know. Then the love I have for her pops into my mind and I immediately disregard earlier thoughts.

    Those links helped me understand a bit better, but I still dont know what to do. I no longer care whether this is normal or not. I just want to stop myself hurting my gf like that. :(
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Firstly - stop thinking of yourself as a weak person. If you think positive you will surprise yourself. You are just reinforcing a negative self image by telling yourself and all of us that you are weak. You obviously have the willpower to resist as you have already done so several times, from what you are saying.

    When you find yourself in a tempting situation with these girls, put yourself off by imagining your girlfriend's reaction if you had to tell her you'd slept with someone else. It would cause so much damage and spoil your relationship forever.

    Put pictures of her around your room, so there is no chance of bringing another girl home to bed. Wear something that reminds you of her to create a link between you across the miles. You could even try writing I love **** inside your belt - you wouldn't undo it for anybody else then!

    If all else fails, there are ways to program yourself against temptation, such as self-hypnosis. It might seem new aged crap to some folks, but hypnosis is actually scientific fact and it works for people with addictions and fears, so why not you?

    Good luck
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    are you really that special you can get someone into bed in 10 mins?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hmm. Can't they get it anywhere else?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Of course people in long-term relationships fancy other people, if Natalie Portman popped round for a cuppa then I'd be straight in;)

    But seriously, fantasising about other people sometimes isn't abnormal, it doesn't feel right but it's not abnormal. It's perfectly natural to keep one eye on the menu, as it were, it doesn't mean you want the steak though.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    are you really that special you can get someone into bed in 10 mins?
    It's nothing special, I'm sure every guy knows atleast one girl they could get in bed with in 10 mins. She's not a slut, and I'm not some really hot guy or anything. I dont know. How about we just keep to the point.

    Its good to know this happens to other guys alot. But I get the feeling none of you really care. What scares me the most is that she might be having the same sort of problem. Luckily I trust her. :yes:

    Some really good helpful suggestions you have. Thanks alot for that. I'm gonna get a tatoo on my ass that says exit only. Maybe I'll get one around the front saying something else.. :chin:

    Can you tell me how hypnosis would work though? That seems far-fetched..
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Another country??!

    She's sleeping with somebody else, dude. You do it as well!! Sex is good sex is fine...
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I dont think you'll get very far in life with an attitude like that. But that's just my opinion.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    ...Says the guy with a girlfriend living in another country for two years!!

    Cmon dude, what the hell are you doing?!
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    He's being faithful.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    We are not robots, we are humans and we cannot control who we are attracted to and at what times and there ain't anything we can do about it. Everyone on this planet does or probably has felt the same way as you at one time or another, just something we have to live with. There's far worse things to worry about.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Sex isn't neccesary for a fulfilling relationship. Someone who you can talk to, who will always be there for you, and you are good friends with. That's what's important. Sexual attraction is nothing, and if you give in to it you will fell dirty and degraded afterwards.
    Cool people wait until marriage. It's a ring thing.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    You're awesome. But banned. What a shame.

    Thanks guys.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Dan Brown wrote:
    Sex isn't neccesary for a fulfilling relationship. Someone who you can talk to, who will always be there for you, and you are good friends with. That's what's important. Sexual attraction is nothing, and if you give in to it you will fell dirty and degraded afterwards.
    Cool people wait until marriage. It's a ring thing.
    I just read your post again. You're the man. That's the coolest post I've ever read.

    Sorry for the double post. How did this guy get banned?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    He got banned for being an complete twit. While I agree with what he said here, he went of of his way to be as annoying as possible.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Damn. I hate it when awesome people do that.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    He's not awesome, he's ripping the mickey.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Well ok. I hate it when awesome people. Um. Go and say.. like. When they um.

    Ok nvm. The little weasle's gone.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Don't get me wrong, that's my point of view. But he was saying it to be annoying, whereas I think it's important.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    You reply way too fast and its scary. I dont like it.

    And I'm scared.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Serpent wrote:
    How did this guy get banned?

    Click on his name and then on 'read all posts by Dan Brown' and you can read all the UNHELPFUL posts he's made!
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Serpent wrote:
    You reply way too fast and its scary. I dont like it.

    And I'm scared.
    *scary grin*
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hmm true. I withdraw the awesomeness title.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Sorry for the double post but it was relevant to this thread.

    I just found out she is experiencing similar problems. She's not as reasonable as me, and is more likely to not be able to control herself. How can I help her? Another thing, it isnt a sexual attraction for her. Which is something I'm finding very very hard to take. This isnt your average teenage guy getting dumped. She still loves me, and if it starts to tear her apart she'll take the easy route, which is the other guy (because he lives in the same country, we are apart).

    And dont get me started with the whole "maybe she doesnt love you" bullshit because I know whats going on. This is a horrible experience. I'd give anything to go back to where I was when I started this thread.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I'm sorry but I have to tell you my honest opinion, with you being so young and being away from your girlfriend for two years, it isn't likely to work.
    Two years at any age is a long time but when you're young you're growing and changing all the time and so two years is an even longer time, if you get what I'm saying.
    Most relationships people have at your age don't last into adulthood, and as you're going to be apart for so long you don't even have the opportunity to grow together (which is I think what happens in the successful relationships people have from this age) and it's going to be alot lot harder.
    Well done for trying, and keep at it if you really think it's worth it, but maybe you should start thinking about other possibilities.
    I'm really sorry if you do end, it will really hurt and I know everyone says this but it IS true - it will get better.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    She's not my age, she's legally an adult. I cant even get into M rated movies.
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