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So tired, so very tired

I'm not really sure why I'm writing this. Its just a rant to help get things out of my system. I think I need to hear that what I'm doing is good and that I should keep doing it.

As you probably know my bf has been having black outs for a while now. It'll be six months in a couple of weeks. Its gotten to the point where he cant go out on his own because it would be just too dangerous in case he had one in the middle of the road or somthing. I'm worrying about him so much. I want to be there for him all the time but its just not possible. Recently I've felt more like his carer than his girlfriend.
He was admitted into a good hospital on monday and so far has had an MRI, and EEG and a 24 hour heart moniter. All of which have come back normal. So were back to square one again. We have no idea what causing them.
This month he's had so many, up to 13 in one night I think, but a few days before they started to slow down and he wasnt having them as much. Two or three a day and now since he's been in hospital he hasnt had any. We've told the Dr's over and over whats been happening but its really getting tidious now.
I'm having to miss college because I need to be there for him. Its only for this week but I'm going to be so far behind as assignments are due in next month.
I'm trying to keep up to date, but its hard as I dnt know exactly what I should be reviseing this week. I have all but one assignment done to an E grade and will hopfully have time to improve them.
My class mates tell me that I'm the smart one and my work is good, but I really feel like I am struggling.
I feel like I always have to put on a brave face for every one and that if I'm sad people will get upset with me.
So even when the Dr said that they didnt know what was causing them, and my heart sank I had to put on a brave face.

I spent half and hour crying and talking to my mirror this evening because it felt like there was no one else to listen but my reflection.

I'm finding everything so hard atm, I just want someone to look after me and tell me its gonna be ok. I tried talking to a mate abotu it but he didnt know what to say so just said something stupid about his penis. I dont want to be strong all the time. I want someone to be strong for me for once. Whenever I've been down or upset, other peoples problems are more important.

When I was seriously depressed I tried going to my mum but she had to deal with my sisters relapse and her own depression. I've never really been able to forgive her for that. When I needed her the most she just pushed me away. I even used to "accidently" show her my cuts. But she still did nothing.
I've tried going to several cousillers but they've all been complete shite. One even told me I had a spilt personality after going to her with a spider phobia and eating disorder:eek2:

I wish that things could go right for me for once, I've always been pushed to one side and my problems forgotten about or just plain ignored. Why cant my life be calm for once:crying:
Beep boop. I'm a bot.

Comments

  • JsTJsT Posts: 18,268 Skive's The Limit
    You dont always have to be strong. I know times are tough but things will get better. I know it can be hard finding people to listen, keep looking for them. Put your thoughts and stuff like that in your LJ to get it off your chest.

    I really do hope Lee gets better soon. You know where I am if you want to chat :)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    JsT wrote:
    You dont always have to be strong. I know times are tough but things will get better. I know it can be hard finding people to listen, keep looking for them. Put your thoughts and stuff like that in your LJ to get it off your chest.

    I really do hope Lee gets better soon. You know where I am if you want to chat :)

    Ditto basically.

    Stay strong Zella <3
  • Indrid ColdIndrid Cold Posts: 16,688 Skive's The Limit
    I wish there was something I could say to help... All I can say is that, as the others said, when you can't talk it helps to write. I'm really sorry all this is happening, and I wish it's soon no more than a bad memory... Be well.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    poor zella, is there not anyway u could perhaps take a leave of study? it would take a bit of the pressure off?
    my friend had all the same symptoms and the drs werent really very helpful, and are still not.
    i really feel for you, there is nothing worse than feeling the way you do at the moment.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Zella wrote:
    He was admitted into a good hospital on monday and so far has had an MRI, and EEG and a 24 hour heart moniter. All of which have come back normal. So were back to square one again.

    This is what I think is causing you problems, its the not knowing. You hope that when you see the doc he is gonna say its this or its that but when they dont you start to panic. You feel like theres nowhere to turn and you feel like your not getting anywhere.
    My mum is quite poorly at the moment and we have been through mny hospital appointments in the last 2 months or so and thats been hell for me. I had my thoughts on what the problem was but until it was confirmed was a bloody nightmare. I still have my moments where I feel shit and it has totally affected my mood.
    Im the one putting on the brave face with my probs at the moment but over the last couple of days ive realised that i am allowed to show emotions, or be upset.....I need to get rid of the stress somehow and its the same for you.

    I just wanted to say your not alone and I know what your going through. Keep talking about stuff, it does help just to release a few emotions. Also take care of yourself cos its no good if you are gonna start being poorly (all advice given to me over the last couple of weeks).

    Take care wont ya and let us know how you get on !!
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    BeckyBoo wrote:
    This is what I think is causing you problems, its the not knowing. You hope that when you see the doc he is gonna say its this or its that but when they dont you start to panic. You feel like theres nowhere to turn and you feel like your not getting anywhere.

    yep. you hope they are going to say: we know what it is, and we know how to fix it. that's best case scenario.

    and while 'we don't know what it is, so we don't know how to fix it' feels quite crap, it is better that 'we know what it is, and we can't fix it'.

    while all these tests keep coming back normal, there's still a good chance that it's nothing serious.

    hope he's ok.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Having met up with you a few weeks ago, I learnt quite a bit about you. But one thing I noticed immediately was the devotion you have for your boyfriend. The two of you have something very special together, that much was apparent to me. The commitment you have to one another is admirable. I can only hope this situation with your boyfriend's health is rectified soon.

    Meanwhile, I would agree wholeheartedly with the advice given by JsT earlier. You'll get through this very difficult time, Zella. :)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Thanks for all your replys guys, I think its not knowing thats hard for me to deal with as well. I could just about cope playing carer if I actually knew what was wrong. Good thing is he started having his black outs again after days of nothing. It means that the Dr's dont have to just go on what we tell them anymore cause they can see it for themselves. Though on the day side I think feel like the nurse's are watching him enough. He had four today within about an hour and each time I had to call them. One time he was half off the bed and I had to hold him up by his jeans and even after shouting for help, pressing the call button twice and the guy in the next bed trying to get their attention they still took their time helping. I know there busy but it make me worry just that little but more.

    Being able to talk about it has really helped aswell.

    All I can say is that he best try to give me one hell of'a valentines day now! :lol:
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Ohhhh massive massive hugs to you, it sounds like it must be horrible - but at least he's in hospital - I hate it when doctors say they dont' know whats wrong though.

    Honestly I really want to give you a giant hug and some cake - because i'm crap with words - so i've no idea what to say to make it better.

    Arrrrgggghhh - but like just so you know


    xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    so sorry

    I hope everything works out

    *hugs*
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