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oh shit

MixBotMixBot Posts: 8,656 Automated Account
Man, I'm feeling horrible right now and I really have nobody to talk to.

I've been suffering from depression for a few years now and last September I was in hospital after taking an overdose and slashing my legs. Since then, I didn't hurt myself at all, neither did I inhale anymore solvents. I was pleased with myself, because it was so hard and hurt so much and at times I felt like giving up, but didn't for my family.

Now the feelings are comming back. I feel the urge to hurt myself again and I feel it growing inside me. It's a horrible empty dark feeling, the same feelings I remember back then. I don't know what to do. I don't want to hurt my family again by self mutilation and I don't want to risk losing the job I just got either.

The main problem is that I don't feel like I can talk about the darkness anymore, to anyone including those who I'm close to. There are people around with much worse problems than mine and i don't want to sound like I'm whining over trivial matters.

I don't like this, I don't like thinking about death and having violent thoughts because I know it means I'm not getting any better. I've tried so hard to get better, but now it's getting harder again. I'm starting to feel alone and to detach myself from the world and go back into hiding in my mental cave. I don't want to think I'm cracking up...
Beep boop. I'm a bot.

Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    (((((((~*LIBERTY*~))))))

    im sorry that these feelings have begun to come back...u really do need to try and talk 2 someone about it.

    Depression isnt 'trivial' and although other people might have problems yours is serious and needs to be addressed as quickly as possible.

    You need to try and stop these feelings before they affect you as badly as they did before. Im sorry i couldnt be of more help.

    Lxxx <IMG alt="image" alt="image" SRC="http://www.thesite.org/ubb/smile.gif"&gt;


    <IMG alt="image" alt="image" SRC="http://www.contrabandent.com/pez/otn/angels/littleangel.gif"&gt;
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    That sounds very similar to how i was feeling about 4 months ago. The thing which helped me the most was talking to other people, even if I wasn't very close to them. Of course, sometimes its not easy to talk about some tings, so one ting I would do was to put it in an email to someboday, then after writing it, re-read it. Then, even if you decide not to send it, although you won't get the feedback, at least you have put your feelings in some kind of order to write down which, i found, could help.

    Hope I've been of some help....
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hwege hugs (((((Liberty))))

    I know how you feel, try to talk and keep active, even if its just a little bit. Im sorry to hear its come back <IMG alt="image" alt="image" SRC="http://www.thesite.org/ubb/frown.gif"&gt;

    Good luck <IMG alt="image" alt="image" SRC="http://www.thesite.org/ubb/smile.gif"&gt;


    It matters not who won or lost, but how you place the blame.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hi liberty, i know everyone has said it, but i really am sorry to hear that u r feeling this way. Its such a horrible thing to go through - especially on your own. I know you may not want to, but perhaps you should see a doctor or counsellor. I know i'm probably not being of much use, but i think the only helpful thing i can really say, is that feel free to e-mail me anytime. I think depression is the worst illness someone can have. No one talks about it, and if you have it, you din't freely admit it. Its not something other ppl recognise easily, therefore you can carry on the way you are for ages b4 you get help. And even this may be too l8.
    I really do hope that u feel better. Try and stay smiling, but if u feel in shit mood - just be in a shit mood, and don't take crap from any1!!!
    luv ya
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    ((((sel))))
    i never knew it was that bad. u know u can (and do) talk to me when u want or need to. well i dont really know what else to say. i guess if ure realising that u still have some sort of problems, then its kinda a step to overcoming it. thats how ive kinda always saw it anyway. i know ure finding it hard to talk at the moment, but i *think* u need to keep talking and keep working at it. uve obviously come a long way. keep on the medication and keep talking to the therapist, and ure friends. keep ure chin up, and um, try to keep from cutting coz think of the dodgy looks i got when i was on the beach on holiday. and think of how i looked when i went in the swimming pool fully clothed. ouch.
    i hope it gets better real soon, u know where i am if u want or need to talk. <IMG alt="image" alt="image" SRC="http://www.thesite.org/ubb/smile.gif"&gt;
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I was like this a while ago. Never did any major SI, just screw burns (were sore as hell afterwards) and a bit of cutting/burning.
    I`ve managed to suppress the urges but there`s a helluva alot of anger bubbling just beneath the surface that blows every now and then, usually causing quite immense damage to my fist and any solid object nearby.

    Anyway, if u need to talk email me or IM:
    MSN: [email protected]
    YIM: iluvfaith
    AIM: thor719
    ICQ: 89463288
    I`m also on IRC alot, normally irc.cyber2k.net or dalnet under the name of talyn2k1.

    Feel better <IMG alt="image" alt="image" SRC="http://www.thesite.org/ubb/smile.gif"&gt;

    "Honesty is just an excuse for lack of imagination."
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I thought i should write in this post instead of starting a new one..

    Anyway, i'm in a job, taking a gap year, and my mates are about to go off to uni. Basically it is really getting me down, i feel bad about letting people down at work who think i am gonna stay a year...lie...i'm off in january.

    Anyways, things are reaching a peak...i have been cutting since last february.stopped for a while but got worse in the last 6 months.....feeling depressed...but this is not like constant...i can be happy,,,,but i know that if i went to a doctor i would be laffed away.
    I thought i would be happier after going to Reading, but now things are just shit, tht was the end of the summer!! Now its just work......oh fuck.

    Suicide?

    "I must find a truth that is true for me......the idea for which I can live or die."(Soren Kierkegaard)

    [This message has been edited by tourette (edited 06-09-2001).]
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Cheers for the advice. Not.

    Anyway.......how are you Liberty? Any better?

    "I must find a truth that is true for me......the idea for which I can live or die."(Soren Kierkegaard)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I know this all too well *sighs* <IMG alt="image" alt="image" SRC="http://www.thesite.org/ubb/frown.gif"&gt;

    I know the feeling you have, I'm there right now. I almost got hospitalised 2 months ago, and I came out of therapy and didn't go back...but I am going again soon.

    And you can E-mail me anytime just to rant or whatever....I'm not easily shocked by anything, and I talk to lots of other people with the same problems on a regular basis, so you aren't going to overly worry me, you just need to get it out somehow.

    I think it's actually a common thing amoung people like us to feel guilty that we're "bothering" other people...but it's a vicious cycle, the worse you feel, the more you keep inside, which makes you feel worse...you get the picture.

    If you *really* feel you can't talk to anyone, even thru the net, try writing everything you're feeling out. It may come out jumbled; this doesn't matter, just write out what you're feeling. If you're worried abt other people finding it, don't worry abt that, you can destroy it afterwards. But I hope you can E-mail me, I might be able to help.

    And the fact you need help is nothing to be ashamed of. Actually, the sooner you ask for help, the less time it will probably take to get better again.

    Hope this has been slightly helpful, and my inbox is always open <IMG alt="image" alt="image" SRC="http://www.thesite.org/ubb/smile.gif"&gt;

    Suz
    XXX

    And I'll hide from the world
    Behind a broken frame
    And I'll run forever
    I can't face the shame
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    hey suz, whats your email? do you have any messenger services?
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