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what else can i do?

hi all. i feel so so crappy. for those who don't know, i've been on Prozac for about 6 months now i thik, and had a therapy session and spoke to school counselors etc. but i feel really down right now.

maybe it's because my mum is getting ill again. i know we have had some really rough patches thsi year, and some serious arguements, but i still love her and couldnt afford to lose her. not another close relative. i think that woudl finish me off. i've been so close to losing more people that i love in the past few years that it scares the shit out of me. i can't handle the concept of losing people close to me. i couldnt accept the loss. maybe that's why i'd like to end everything. maybe even my own and everyone else's suffereing. i don't believe happiness can exist, i think people are kidding themselves. i'm sorry.

maybe it's because i bought some new razors earlier, and i really want to open the pack and take one apart. i havnt yet. i dont want to hurt my family and friends anymore. i hate them to see and know what i have done to myself. it must hurt them more than it hurts me in the first place. and it hurts me to see them hurt. and to see me lying on the floor, talking shit and wrecked. why do i do this to myself and everyone else?

i hate all people who try to help me. i don't like human contact too much. i don't like emotional attatchment. i detach myself from reality and would rather sit alone in my room and do nothing that is any good for me.

i can't handle 6th form. art is good, i enjoy that, although most people are better than me, its my only release right now. maths is just totally fucking impossible. biology is a bit boring, and psychology is just like a bit too personal <IMG alt="image" alt="image" SRC="http://www.thesite.org/ubb/frown.gif">. i skip a lot of lessons and don't do homework and stuff. but i feel like if i werent there, what would i do with myself? there are no decent jobs around that i could get in full time work, unless i get the qualifications. which i feel as though i can't do. and i dont really want to work in kwiksave full time, that'd be a bit of a dead end job. i feel as though i dont know what to do with my life, my spare time, or my future in general. feels a bit like life is passing me by.

i feel as though my life is losing meanng and spiraling out of control. i felt a little better when i went to a therapy session, and just talked a lot of stuff through and got loads of shit off my chest. and they said that they woudl be in touch real soon to arrange regular sessions because they were concerned at my sensitivity. then she assured me that being sensitive was good. i always personally saw that as a bad thing. it makes me feel weak. like crying does.

i am aware that i'm not the only person in teh world who feels like this, i know that there are others because i talk to online friends. but it still doesn't get rid of that never ending fear of lonliness. fear that sucks you in and destroys you. i hate it. i hate everything.

what am i supposed to do now?

thanks for listening, i needed to get that out. i know people are online now that i could talk to, but i feel like i've been offloading my problems and stupid paranoia onto them a bit too much lately. guilt..
Beep boop. I'm a bot.

Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    ((((( Charley )))))

    So sorry to hear about all this thats been happening with you, I'll try and help as best I can going through each of these one at a time...

    maybe it's because my mum is getting ill again. i can't handle the concept of losing people close to me.

    This will no doubt be causing a lot of stress for you, its hard when people close to you get ill, I can't do anything to help but can recommend just being there for her, everyone has arguements, but being there for someone and showing them you care can help towards a recovery. I wish your mum all the best for a full recovery.

    maybe that's why i'd like to end everything. maybe even my own and everyone else's suffereing.

    Aww no, thats not going to help, you ending your life would cause heartache for everyone else and no doubt make your mums condition worse with all the stress. People DO care about you and would be lost (just like yourself) should anything happen.

    i don't believe happiness can exist, i think people are kidding themselves. i'm sorry.

    It can exist, its just difficult to see sometimes with all the hard times people go through which makes the happier moments seem more special. You will find happy moments I promise, just try and stay on a positive one all the time and keep telling yourself that things can only get better.... People usually go through patches of happiness and sad times, your just on a bad patch. Hang in there... <IMG alt="image" alt="image" SRC="http://www.thesite.org/ubb/smile.gif"&gt;

    maybe it's because i bought some new razors earlier, i dont want to hurt my family and friends anymore.

    You've got the right attitude here, try and stay in that frame of mind. Hurting yourself isn't going to help the situation, I admit it does sometimes make you feel better but if you don't think about yourself then think about your family and friends.... <IMG alt="image" alt="image" SRC="http://www.thesite.org/ubb/smile.gif"&gt;

    why do i do this to myself and everyone else?

    Your in a situation which you feel you can't control and are wanting to escape, unfortuatly with being depressed this seems the easy option out...

    i detach myself from reality and would rather sit alone in my room and do nothing that is any good for me.

    I think perhaps you might feel that everything going on is your fault and perhaps if you mix with others then more things will go round for other people too. None of this is your fault, mixing with other people may be hard but you can feel a whole lot better and they in turn will help you to feel better about yourself.

    i can't handle 6th form. art is good, i enjoy that, although most people are better than me, its my only release right now.

    Stick with it, art is a good way of expressing yourself. I'm sure your just as good as the other people but sadly your in a negative frame of mind and are downgrading yourself. People always think they are worse than others but look at it on the bright side, least you can improve... no point being at the top, competition is a good thing for people! <IMG alt="image" alt="image" SRC="http://www.thesite.org/ubb/smile.gif"&gt;

    maths is just totally fucking impossible. biology is a bit boring and psychology is just like a bit too personal

    If your stuggling that much then you could always drop them, stick with them for a bit longer now tho, the starting of college is always a difficult time, things will slowly drop into place. When you learn you start at a brick wall and slowly climb, things get more and more confusing until one day everything starts dropping into place and you begin to understand what the heck everythings supposed to be like.

    i feel as though i dont know what to do with my life, my spare time, or my future in general. feels a bit like life is passing me by.

    I still don't know what I want to do with my life either, while your young you flip about a lot and try different things before finding what you enjoy. Your young, you can't really see 10 years ahead yet so don't worry. As for the job thing, don't worry either, you won't be there forever and everyone has to start somewhere... just work for a bit, get a reference and move on, slowly your life will take off... How about taking up a new hobby?

    i felt a little better when i went to a therapy session, and just talked a lot of stuff through and got loads of shit off my chest. then she assured me that being sensitive was good. i always personally saw that as a bad thing. it makes me feel weak. like crying does.

    As you see in that daft BT advert... "Its good to talk" and theres a lot of truth in that saying. Your young and you want to be independent but I promise you bottling stuff up and trying to manage on your own doesn't always work, I learnt that.... Get back to the therapy sessions, they will do you a world of good and like you said they made you feel better, having someone to talk to and share things always works wonders.

    but it still doesn't get rid of that never ending fear of lonliness. what am i supposed to do now?

    I'd say get back to the therapy sessions, you said yourself that they made you feel better by getting stuff off your chest and as you feel better you'll start finding it easier to talk with others and your circle of friends will grow which in turn will make you feel better. Try going back to the doctors too, the prozac obviously isn't working too well and he/she might be able to find something slightly stronger that will do you a world of good. Just because your on medication doesn't mean you've got a problem, no-one needs to know... its just one of those patches your going through...

    What doesn't break you only makes you stronger!

    I'd love to type more but this has cost me an extra $4 typing this out here... lol... no problem, just hope it helps.. <IMG alt="image" alt="image" SRC="http://www.thesite.org/ubb/smile.gif"&gt;

    I wish you the very best for the future, things will slowly sort themselfs out. Just try and stay postive no matter how hard things get... If you need to talk then you know where we all are...
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    *hugs*

    anytime u need to let it out charley. I think the abve post says loads more than I could. Hang in there...life can get better. You're still in school - I had a shit itme in school, but life moves on, and my life got better at uni. a clean break. you're young, don't loose hope.

    thinking about u.
    kaz
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    thank you both so much, i really don't know what to say in reply. take care the both of you xx
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    hi all. i feel so so crappy. for those who don't know, i've been on Prozac for about 6 months now i thik, and had a therapy session and spoke to school counselors etc. but i feel really down right now.
    Yeah, as you probably know, I've been feeling shit too, but I think it's good that you're speaking to the school councillors, it's like the first step in getting better is talking.

    i can't handle the concept of losing people close to me. i couldnt accept the loss. maybe that's why i'd like to end everything. maybe even my own and everyone else's suffereing. i don't believe happiness can exist, i think people are kidding themselves. i'm sorry.
    I know I'm a total hypocrite for saying this, but think about how other people would feel if you ended it. Your parents, your friends, think how they'd feel, think how I'd feel. By doing away with yourself you won't be solving any of your problems, or anyone else's problems. I know it's hard to see, but a lot of people really care for you, myself included.

    maybe it's because i bought some new razors earlier, and i really want to open the pack and take one apart. i havnt yet. i dont want to hurt my family and friends anymore. i hate them to see and know what i have done to myself. it must hurt them more than it hurts me in the first place.
    I have a confession, I bought some razors today too <IMG alt="image" alt="image" SRC="http://www.thesite.org/ubb/frown.gif">. I hate it when my Mum asks me if I've hurt myself, because often the answer is "yes". Hurting yourself is like a drug, it's this really wicked feeling, especially when you draw blood. I guess that sounds really sick doesn't it.
    I always worry about hurting my family and I know that it hurts my Mum and brother to see me like that.
    You sound like you think you hurt your family bad, or maybe that they're angry at you. Look at it from another perspective...would you be angry or really upset if one of your relatives were cutting? I'd be concerned, but I'd also want them to get better, I'd certainly not be angry.

    i hate all people who try to help me. i don't like human contact too much. i don't like emotional attatchment. i detach myself from reality and would rather sit alone in my room and do nothing that is any good for me.
    Sometimes it's really hard to socialise isn't it. It really annoys me when people try to help out. There's all the classic lines "what're you depressed about?""cheer up, it's not so bad" and the famous "please promise me you won't hurt yourself again".
    The thing that annoys me is that, although they try to help in good intentions, many of them also know jack shit about depression.
    i can't handle 6th form. art is good, i enjoy that, although most people are better than me, its my only release right now. maths is just totally fucking impossible. biology is a bit boring, and psychology is just like a bit too personal
    Maybe there are people better than you, but then you'll always be better at them at something. Maybe you took the wrong subjects or something, maybe another course would suit you better. Remember that education isn't everything (there's my hippocracy again) isn't the most important thing on the planet.
    i skip a lot of lessons and don't do homework and stuff. but i feel like if i werent there, what would i do with myself there are no decent jobs around that i could get in full time work, unless i get the qualifications. which i feel as though i can't do. and i dont really want to work in kwiksave full time, that'd be a bit of a dead end job. i feel as though i dont know what to do with my life, my spare time, or my future in general. feels a bit like life is passing me by.
    I skip lessons, then be scared to go back to see what the tutor says so basically it's a viscious cycle. There are courses you can take away from your school, I saw a BTEC in tropical conservation where you studied in Madagascar. There are all sorts of opportunities, maybe next time when we're both online, I could help you look.
    i feel as though my life is losing meanng and spiraling out of control. i felt a little better when i went to a therapy session, and just talked a lot of stuff through and got loads of shit off my chest. and they said that they woudl be in touch real soon to arrange regular sessions because they were concerned at my sensitivity. then she assured me that being sensitive was good. i always personally saw that as a bad thing. it makes me feel weak. like crying does.
    Nah, crying's nothing to be ashamed of, I wish I could cry, it'd make things easier to cope with. Crying is just a way of coping, just like when some people are pissed off they go for a run or listen to music.
    but it still doesn't get rid of that never ending fear of lonliness. fear that sucks you in and destroys you. i hate it. i hate everything.
    Lonliness is horrible because it's what you fear most and it's like you're living a nightmare. I know it's not gonna help much, me saying this, but if you ever want to talk to somebody I'm there. You have my mobile number, so if you're low on credit just give me a buzz and I'll phone you back.
    I know that it hurts, I really know, but please don't think you're ever hassling/upsetting or making me angry if you talk about your problems. I'm there as a friend even though I live a long way away from you.
    *looks at the clock*
    Damn it's late! I really gotta shoot off, so you take care <IMG alt="image" alt="image" SRC="http://www.thesite.org/ubb/smile.gif"&gt;
    See you round,
    Love Sel <IMG alt="image" alt="image" SRC="http://www.thesite.org/ubb/tongue.gif"&gt;


    What makes the desert beautiful is that somewhere it hides a well.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I know how u feel totally. Ive been on anti-depressants 4 about 6months aswell but i still feel so shit and low sometimes. I never really no wat 2 do either, im fed up wiv scool,i dont c the point of going every day to the same crappy old place.Sorry i aint been much help 2 u have i?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    (((charley))) sorry u r feeling so low...ive not been around much but u know where I am if u need me and I wish I could help u more but the truth is Im in no fit state myself.
    I know its hard and also kind of hypocritical of me to say but u have to focus on the good things...dont give up and be strong because u will get through it in the end, I hang onto that and itkeeps me goinga bit more. Take care of yourself honey xxx
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