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BIG MISTAKE

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
What a weekend! As I said on Friday AN old friend called up for a little chat after breaking up with her b/f. we have been soulmates for 6 years now, and I had fancied her yet never said nething for fear of ruining the friendship. Well when we talked on the phone she dropped the atomic bombshell by saying, she’d wished she had acted on her feelings for me long ago. In short we had both fancied each other yet never said nething cos. nether of us wanting to risk the friendship! Now we both have a kid each, her man has left her, my lady is the type who needs committing one week prior to, the week during and the week after her period (man she says some silly things)! Well I know whom I’d rather be with but this now involves children. I was going to see her on sat but the car blew a head gasket! An omen perhaps and maybe stopped me from doing something stupid. Since knowing I just can’t get her out her and find my partner the most annoying person on this planet. (One who usually gets her way)
FFS I know I love my daughter but my ‘friend’ is over 130miles away. I haven’t slept well the past 3 nights and I just wish I could turn the clocks back 5 years.
What the hell am I gonna do?
<IMG alt="image" SRC="confused.gif" border="0"> <IMG alt="image" SRC="frown.gif" border="0"> <IMG alt="image" SRC="mad.gif" border="0">

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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    dont forget your "friend" is on the rebound and may be a bit confused!!!
    i think you should go and see your friend but dont jump into bed with her if after a while you really still wana be with her then do. But remember there is no worse feeling than finding out you have been cheated on so take your partners feelings into account too.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    that was a hell of a mind f**k that ur friend played on u mate. To tell u that she fancied u for ages - knowing that u had a kid and a partner is very harsh.
    im all up for letting people know ur true feelings - but when it is as serious a position as this there is a line that has to be drawn.
    um as for suggestions id hav to say that soulmates are best left as soulmates in my opinion. I know its probably not what u wanted to hear, but has it crossed ur mind that ur friend may be on the rebound from her relationship. She needed someone to talk to and to take her mind off her ex? u are that person at the moment and as her feeling are slightly messed up she says she fancied u for attention.

    Sorry if this sounds judgemental especially of ur friend. I dont mean to be harsh, just objective. Im sure she means well but look long term, will u still get on as well with ur friend if u got together or will it just leave another child without a dad?
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Sorry just read my post erm... the breakup was 2months back now. Sorry i didnt make it clear. well i didnt write that bit in at all
    bugger*slaps myself* <IMG alt="image" SRC="eek.gif" border="0">
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    IIbow, You need to give this some SERIOUS thought. It wouldn't be fair on your current partner if you started seeing your friend behind her back. If you are not in love with her anymore then you need to do the decent thing and tell her. If you are only with her because of your daughter then it is not fair on any of you. Leaving your partner does not make you a bad father.. in fact it makes you a good one because your daughter won't be growing up in a house where her mother and father are constantly at each others throats.
    If you are sure that your friend is serious about her feelings for you and yours for her then I think that you should talk about it and make a decision about being together.
    You only get the one life (unless you believe in reincarnation!!) so it's up to you to make it a happy one..

    Best of luck
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Originally posted by fraggle:
    <STRONG>Sorry if this sounds judgemental especially of ur friend. I dont mean to be harsh, just objective. </STRONG>

    Don't aplogize, I don't mince my words. Objective views are just whot i need right now. I know it is easier to look at somthin from the 3rd person, I am caught in the middle here and my view could easily clouded. i.e. me and misses had a row night b4 last(unrelated to these events) and I was sure at time to get shot of her, next day I didn't know.
    <IMG alt="image" SRC="rolleyes.gif" border="0">
    I wont do anything behind her back, I do have morales <IMG alt="image" SRC="mad.gif" border="0"> BUt I need to decide, cos I wont be able to visit my little girl much if I'm 130miles away! I know staying i a relationship for her is wrong <IMG alt="image" SRC="frown.gif" border="0">
    if only I had decided to be brave 5-6years ago <IMG alt="image" SRC="rolleyes.gif" border="0">
    AAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    hi ibbow was this wot u were on about in the email im here to help u have helped me so ill help u! so here goes if i were u talk to this friend dont do anything harsh yet as u have a child involved it is not fair to do anything to major yet! but if u do realise that maybe u would be better off and u are not getting on with ur current relationship then by all means go 4 it.

    goodluck

    angel (kinky)

    ps things should be fine with all ur gadgets! <IMG alt="image" SRC="wink.gif" border="0">
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I know ppl dont lik old posts being dragged up but is is my post and I do need help on this <IMG alt="image" SRC="confused.gif" border="0">

    Ok my 'friend' has taken the time to write me a letter, Its not laced with I love you's and you'd be happy with me or any stuff like that. Its frank, and more than anything highlights how much she cares. She dosent want me to leave my g/f 4 her. But she dose want me to leave her if I am in it for my little girl. My g/f offended my mother on boxing day and I have spoken to my mum on the phone since and there is NOWAY she will speak to her again. Even my g/f parents are getting fedup with her moods.
    It just seams everything is falling apart around me and the only 2 ppl who are talking any sense are my brother and my 'friend'. My poor little daughter has learned "shut up... mumy" over christmas. At the mo we are enjoying the week and a bit of calm b4 she starts getting depressed again followed by raging PMS then the week of snidy remarks. Thing is she has no idea about my 'friend' or how much she is pissing EVERYONE off. Ne comments or critisim (however constructive) just spark all out verbal retallation! Her parents are gonna have a word tonight when she goes round there. I will wait and c <IMG alt="image" SRC="eek.gif" border="0">
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Tough break mate. All i can suggest is a third person view, i mean how much does your g/friend mean to you? If the relationship is dying it is best to end it for all involved, growing up with tension between my parents was not good, it would have been better if they had split up earlier and not stayed together for my sake. I can see what you mean about the distance, but how much do you mean to your 'friend' and how much does she mean to you. In your shoes and if the relationship with the girlfriend was over i'd say as much, i wouldn't hop into bed with the friend, but i'd talk to her and think seriously about it, even to the point of trying to get her to move closer. Well good luck to you and i hope whatever you decide is the right choice.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    thanks marmite, had a little barny last nite cos she thinks I'm sturring things up between her and her 'rents' Just a shame she dosent c that everyone is getting pissed off with her attitude. Take this for example When my car packed up big style I phoned my mum to ask if she could lend me some money, She said no (cos she didnt have any spare) and my g/f shouts (from other side of room) "Some fucking mother you are, If you can't lend your son some money just b4 xmas!"
    I mean no matter how stressed u r that was over the top right? As a result my mother wont ever talk to her again, my brother didnt visit this xmas cos he would have killed her! And I just dont think I can forgive her. she hasnt said sorry either!
    I cant stand the idea of just seeing my little girl on the weekends, which leaves me with the biggest mind fuck ever!
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    IBBOW,

    You need to think carefully and be very sure before you act on your current situation.

    No-one can be sure of the right course for you but I can give you some food for thought:

    Even if you leave your girlfriend she will always be the mother of your child and will therefore always be in your life. That is a lot of years that you will have to have dealings with her.

    Do not take weekend access to your daughter for granted.

    DO NOT DOUBT THIS. SHE WILL DO EVERYTHING SHE CAN TO IMPEDE YOUR HAPPINESS. This means being as unreasonable and intolerable as possible.

    When you leave your g/f you will not be able to resist developing the relationship with your new g/f quickly and as soon as your ex finds out she will use your daughter as a weapon against you. She will poison your daughter against you and your new g/f and there is every chance that as your daughter grows up she may not want to see you either as her loyalty will be to her mother as the injured party. Your parents may lose contact with her also.

    You will need to apply to the courts for access which is expensive and takes a long time. She will probably be legally aided where as you may not. Even if you eventually gain access it will possibly be supervised access for a few hours as there will have been some time since you would have seen her and your ex may even raise doubts as to the safety of the child due to your violent behaviour. (untrue of course but the court have to err on the side of caution)

    In addition you will be liable for maintenance which (judging from your posts will be difficult to afford) apart from contributing to your new household. This may put pressure on your new relationship.

    All this is assuming that you are named as the father on the birth certificate. As you are not married it will be even more difficult than it is for fathers that were married (which is bad enough).

    There will be many times when your loyalties to your daughter and your new partner will be compromised. You will be pressured and want to do things for your daughter that your new partner will not understand. She may accuse you of still having feelings for your ex. She may also feel resentment of financial as well as emotional commitments toward you daughter. Especially if you subsequently have children in your new relationship.

    All this paints a bleak picture and that is because it is a bleak situation. You will suffer great emotional turmoil and rest assured your daughter will have emotional scars.

    Having said all this I would advise the following:

    You have to do everything you can to minimise the damage if separating is what you decide to do.

    Firstly tell your potential girlfriend that you want to do things properly and that whilst you may not get on with your current girlfriend, she is the mother of your child and as such deserves your respect. You need to be sure that the relationship definately cannot continue.

    Speak to your g/f and tell her that you are not prepared to be treated or spoken to the way she does and that you expect her to treat you with consideration and respect. Suggest she seek treatment for her PMT and that you will support her if she does this.

    You also need to accept that there are reasons why she lacks respect for you and treats you the way she does.

    Look hard at yourself, are you worthy of her respect? You were once so what happened? Only you know this.

    Make sure that this relationship is absolutely beyond repair before ending it.

    You owe it to your daughter, to her mother and to yourself.

    If you doubt the consequences I have outlined above, print this off and pin it somewhere.

    Good luck
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Thankyou, you have taken time over this reply thankyou.

    Can I ask is this the voice of experiance?

    I have considered some of you point already and some i havent even thought of.

    I have done some web searches and i must say the future is not orange! I sure I would be raped, piliaged, mugged, and accused of everything by the courts let alone the g/f!
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    You owe it to your current gf & kid to try and sort things out. Be honest and explain things - maybe you need to go to some relationship counselling together.

    With the other lady, as someone said, the grass may look greener on the other side, but you're still going to end up mowing it.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    IBBOW

    Yes, unfortunately it is the voice of experience.

    I have acquaintences who have even been falsely accused of 'interfering' with their kids. It can get very nasty.

    Seek advise from Relate but at the end of the day and above all do what you truly believe to be the right thing for yourself and your daughters wellbeing.

    When it all turns nasty the one thing you will have that helps you sleep at night will be that you have honestly tried to do the best thing for your daughter.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Well, suprise, suprise things are going to rat shit!
    Last night my g/f wanted me to stay up untill she got back from work to 'talk'.
    Well she told me she didnt think the relationship was working <IMG alt="image" SRC="rolleyes.gif" border="0">
    More over she is going to move in with her rents, taking "her daugther with her".
    Well I feel OUR daughter should stay with me, this enraged the g/f.

    I work from 8:30 to 5:15 and am home by 6 ish. the g/f works from 7:00 till 12:00 in a pub. So why does she see this as unreasonable? She has Toni (daughter) all day, and wants her rents to baby sit whilst she is at work! All I want is to have toni for the 2 or so hours she is still awake when I get home and put her to bed!
    She wants to keep this out of the courts yet if she wont give me any le-way in this I will, And I will fight right to the bitter end even after my finger nails have been ripped out and every last tooth has been pulled out I will still be fighting to my last breath!
    I will not lose my daughter to an spoilt 20 yr old who still can't control the PMS and PMT!
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Just a post to bring it to the top cos I dont know how to make a link
    duurrrrrr! <IMG alt="image" SRC="rolleyes.gif" border="0">
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