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Joke time

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
Q. Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?











A. The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts :lol:


thiss un and a few others sent to me :lol:
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Comments

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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Teacher: Class. A gold star to anyone who can give me an example
    of the correct meaning of the word " definitely".
    Ruth: Miss, "I will definitely get an A in my next exam."
    Teacher: That's not strictly correct Ruth. You may not.
    Fiona: Miss, " I will definitely get a Bicycle for Christmas".
    Teacher: That's not strictly correct Fiona. You may not.
    Tommy: Miss," Does a really smelly fart have bits in it?"
    Teacher: No
    Tommy: Miss, " I've DEFINITELY shit my pants..."
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hee, good one :lol: (and sooo true, not that i'm a nudist) Give iz another one then....
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    last one

    There was this couple who had been married for 50 years.
    They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when
    the old gentleman said to his wife, "Just think, honey,
    we've been married for 50 years." "Yeah," she replied,
    "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this
    breakfast table together." "I know," the old man said, "We
    were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years
    ago." "Well," Granny snickered, "What do you say...should
    we get naked?" Where upon the two stripped to the buff and
    sat down at the table. "You know, honey," the little old
    lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples are as hot for you
    today as they were fifty years ago."
    "I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps.
    "One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal


    lmfao :lol:
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    lol :lol:
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    All my jokes would lower the tone. HOWEVER -

    A lorry driver was hammering it along one day down the highway when he stops to pick up a priest who was hitch-hiking. They're driving along merrily when suddenly the truckers spots a lawyer; he slams his foot on the accelerator and heads straight at the lawyer. Remembering the priest was in his cab, the trucker swerves to dodge the lawyer. He then turns to the priest, apologising. The priest replies "No worries my child, I got him with the door."

    What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road? There's skid marks before the dog.

    :lol:
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    heard it!


    Dunno if you've heard this one Becky, it's for you.


    Two nuns riding bikes down the road. One says "I don't think I've ever come this way before." The other says "It must be the cobbles!"
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    What's white and sticky and moves quickly across the floor?

    Come dancing
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Originally posted by chaos_insomniac



    Two nuns riding bikes down the road. One says "I don't think I've ever come this way before." The other says "It must be the cobbles!"

    :lol:
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    Indrid ColdIndrid Cold Posts: 16,688 Skive's The Limit
    (I might have said this one before, but anyway)

    -What's yellow, extremely dangerous, and makes a "toc-toc" sound outside your window?
    -A canary that's wearing wooden shoes and holding a bazooka.

    :confused:
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Originally posted by Zalbor
    (I might have said this one before, but anyway)

    -What's yellow, extremely dangerous, and makes a "toc-toc" sound outside your window?
    -A canary that's wearing wooden shoes and holding a bazooka.

    :confused:

    Don't see how that's funny to be honest :confused:
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    two nuns in the bath.

    one says, 'where's the soap?'. other replies, 'it does, doesn't it?'
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Originally posted by kaffrin
    two nuns in the bath.

    one says, 'where's the soap?'. other replies, 'it does, doesn't it?'

    eh?
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Originally posted by hybrid
    eh?

    Took me ages to get that one the first time I heard it.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Originally posted by chaos_insomniac
    Took me ages to get that one the first time I heard it.

    me too. someone told me it years ago before we went to see some film, titanic or some shit, and i didn't get it for ages.

    then it got to one of those silent emotional moments in the film, i suddenly got it, and burst out laughing. everyone in the cinema was like :mad: :mad: :rolleyes:
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Originally posted by kaffrin
    me too. someone told me it years ago before we went to see some film, titanic or some shit, and i didn't get it for ages.

    then it got to one of those silent emotional moments in the film, i suddenly got it, and burst out laughing. everyone in the cinema was like :mad: :mad: :rolleyes:

    I still don't get it! :(
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    Indrid ColdIndrid Cold Posts: 16,688 Skive's The Limit
    Originally posted by chaos_insomniac
    Don't see how that's funny to be honest :confused:
    Some people find it funny, some don't. I guess it's adressed to people with a special kind of humor. :)
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.
    "Quick," said the woman to her lover," into the closet!" and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked. The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet "Who are you?" he asked him.
    "I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone," said the exterminator.
    "What are you doing in there?" the husband asked.
    "I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths," the man replied. "And where are your clothes?" asked the husband.
    The man looked down at himself and said,... "Those little bastards."
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    Indrid ColdIndrid Cold Posts: 16,688 Skive's The Limit
    Originally posted by hybrid
    I still don't get it! :(
    Hm... "wears the soap" maybe? Nah, that doesn't make sense either...
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    Indrid ColdIndrid Cold Posts: 16,688 Skive's The Limit
    Jazza's reminded me...
    A newly-wed couple had moved into their new home. There was a bus stop nearby, and every time a bus stopped there the closet in the room fell down. Unable to explain why it's happening or to prevent it, they decided to call a woodsmith to help with the problem. He came and nailed the closet to the wall, saying that it should be OK now.
    The next time the bus stopped there, the man was at work and only the woman was home. When she saw the closet fall again, she decided to call the woodsmith back. He came again, looked at the closet, and said "I'll get inside it, and the next time the bus comes by, I might be able to see what makes the closet fall". So he entered the closet.
    Meanwhile, the old woman next door had seen him entering the house and called the woman's husband at work saying that his wife was cheating on him. So he came home furious, and started asking her where she hid her lover. When she said she didn't know what he was talking about, he started looking around and eventually opened the closet. Bursting with rage, he asked the woodsmith "What are you doing in here?" and the woodsmith replied "Um, if I told you I was waiting for the bus, would you believe me?"
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    A man with no arms or legs was sunbathing on the beach. He is approached by three beautiful young women who take pity on him. The first says to him: "Have you ever been hugged?". The man shakes his head, and she leans down and gives him a hug.
    The second says: "Have you ever been kissed?". He shakes his head. She kisses him.
    Rather abruptly, the third girl asks: "Have you ever been fucked?". "No." says the man, his eyes lighting up.
    "Well, you are now - the tide's coming in."
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Originally posted by Kiezo
    A man with no arms or legs was sunbathing on the beach. He is approached by three beautiful young women who take pity on him. The first says to him: "Have you ever been hugged?". The man shakes his head, and she leans down and gives him a hug.
    The second says: "Have you ever been kissed?". He shakes his head. She kisses him.
    Rather abruptly, the third girl asks: "Have you ever been fucked?". "No." says the man, his eyes lighting up.
    "Well, you are now - the tide's coming in."

    :lol:
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    An Englishman, an Irishman and a Cantonese man walk into a buddhist retreat. The Englishman goes "I think I'm going to try out a bit of meditation" and goes and joins the monks in the main hall. The Irishman says "I'm going to go for a bit of a swim" and strips completely naked and jumps into the river, then the Cantonese man says to himself "diu lay lo mo hail" and stabs himself!!!
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    The California Raisins got into a fight with Guile from Street Fighter 2, and guile SHOWED THEM THE FUCKING MEANING OF TERROR, MAN
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Originally posted by Zalbor
    Some people find it funny, some don't. I guess it's adressed to people with a special kind of humor. :)


    Or people that laugh at nearly anything :p
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Originally posted by Buseyfan
    The California Raisins got into a fight with Guile from Street Fighter 2, and guile SHOWED THEM THE FUCKING MEANING OF TERROR, MAN

    WTF:rolleyes: :crazyeyes
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Busey Fan...you're an odd little critter and I fail to understand you...:confused:
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Dogtanian was walking down the street, when suddenly Darth Vader jumped out and challenged him to a swordfight. Dogtanian, in order to defend his honor, agreed. And then Darth vader killed him
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    thats the worse joke i've ever heard,
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I think i've posted this here before...

    Late last Saturday night; a young chap was walking home from a club.
    > >>It was a cold, wet, windy evening, and he was tired and freezing.
    > >>Most of the streetlights in the area were broken, and the silence
    was
    > >>only broken by the occasional sound of a stray cat sifting through a
    > >> dustbin.
    > >>
    > >>Then suddenly he heard a strange noise.......
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>BUMP........
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>BUMP........
    > >>
    > >>
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    > >>
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    > >>BUMP........
    > >>
    > >>
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    > >>
    > >>
    > >>Startled by this, he turned, and to his amazement, through the
    > >> driving rain, he saw the faint outline of a large box turning into
    > >>his road.
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>BUMP........
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>BUMP........
    > >>
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    > >>
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>BUMP........
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>He froze to the spot, he couldn' t believe his eyes, as the box
    > >>approached from the shadows, he was able to make out its shape
    > >>more clearly....It was a coffin.
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>Not wanting anything to do with this, he put his head down and
    > >>started walking briskly home.
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>BUMP........
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>BUMP........
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>BUMP........
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>He could feel the coffin gaining on him, he started walking
    > >>faster.........
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>BUMP........BUMP......
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>BUMP........BUMP..
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>BUMP........BUMP......
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>The coffin was closing with his every step, he started to jog,
    > >>but he heard the coffin speed up after him......
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>BUMP........BUMP...BUMP...
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>BUMP........BUMP...BUMP...
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>BUMP........BUMP...BUMP...
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>He started to sprint, but so did the coffin .......
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP.
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP.....
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP.
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>Eventually he made it to his front door, but he knew the coffin
    > >>was only seconds behind. Fumbling around in his pocket, he pulled
    > >>out his keys,
    > >>His hand trembling, he managed to open the lock, he dived inside
    > >>slamming the front door behind him. He shot into his front room, and
    > >>slumped into his comfy chair.
    > >>
    > >>Suddenly there was a loud crash, as the coffin smashed its way
    > >>through the front door. The force of the impact broke the lock off
    > >>the coffin allowing the lid to swing freely on its rusty hinges as
    it
    > >>continued its chase.....
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...>
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>In horror the young lad fled again, as fast as his shaking
    > >>legs could take him he bolted upstairs to the bathroom and locked
    the
    > >> door........
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>BUMP...SCREECH...HOP..BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>The coffin again gave chase up the stairs, across the landing
    > >>and launched itself at the bathroom door. With an almighty smash,
    the
    > >>bathroom door flew off its hinges.....
    > >>
    > >>The coffin stood in the doorway, then started to approach the
    > >>young terrified lad.
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP.SCREECH...
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>n a last ditch attempt to save his skin, he reached for his
    > >>bathroom cabinet......
    > >>
    > >>He grabbed a bar of Imperial Leather soap and threw it at the
    > >>coffin.......still it came ........
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>He grabbed his can of Lynx deodorant and threw it .....still it
    > >>came......
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP.SCREECH...
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>He grabbed his first aid kit and threw it ......still it came......
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>He grabbed some Benelyn cough mixture and threw it........
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>The coffin stopped.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    thats shit but funny lol
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