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Lying in a relationship

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
Okey, this is fairly complicated from my point of view, but also imcredibly simple to deal with (or at least I thought it was).

How much lying does one tolerate in a relationship? Take this for example:

Me n my gf were checking her email when she SHOWED me a whole load of old emails from this guy called Andy. She said that she'd had a breif relationship with him, and I was naturalyl curious - not in anyway jealous, you understand, just curious. This guy was english and living in the UK, and I asked the question: how many times had she met up with him.

She answered me: 1. I (possibly stupidy) didn't ask any follow up question at that point, just cos she seemed reluctant to answer and I didn't want to spoil the evening.

Later, when we were talking, the conversation got round to this Andy guy agian. So I was like "What was he like?"

Answer: "I didn't know him too well, and I never met him...I lied before."

Now, to some people, that seems a fairly trivial point. And in the scheme of things, it is - i let it more or less slide, but still the words stuck in my mind "I lied before".

I hate lying. About ANYTHING!! If it's something small, I don't trust that person at all, simply because I know that it means they are capable of lying about big things as well - things that MATTER.

Which is why I'm a bit worried about what anna said - i mean, it was a small thing, but who knows - she could lie to me about something very, very big one day.

Should I let it slide, talk to her now, wait for another incident or what?

And how far do you think lying should go in a relationship?

I didn't lose my mind, it was mine to give away.

Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I agree.
    Don't worry about it, if she was hnest enough to tell you the truth a few hours later then she must be of pretty good chracter.
    As for the e-mails, like J9 said, letting you read her e-mail is a very good sign. My gf does the same, and I let her read mine and it shows that we can trust each other.

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    i have to admit (even though im ashamed to) that i have often lyed in relationships. but often only to keep the relationship ok. i went out with this guy who told me he was a virgin awhile ago and at this point i'd been with 4 guys. i found this a really big issue so lyed to him saying i'd never been with anyone either. later in the realtionship i told him the truth and he was really hurt (quite rightly) that i'd lyed to him. we hadn't had sex by this point and after this he pressured me to have sex with him. his argument was that i'd been with the others, what was wrong with him? eventually it ended the relationship and i wished i hadn't ever told him the truth. the point of the story is sometimes lying's better than telling the truth, even though its a bad thing to do. and in this case i should of seen that the truth would cause us all sorts of problems.

    i'm not denying that women are stupid; God made them to match the men.

    [This message has been edited by whizzygirl (edited 31-12-2000).]
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    look, i don't really want to cast a glom on the situation, but i have this nagging idea in the back of my mind.

    am i the only one who thinks that lying about meeting some guy once is just the teensiest bit odd? i don't want to sew doubts in your mind but it seems like such a pointless lie that it appeared to me that the mis-truth you were talking about might actually be the 'i never met him' part.

    am i alone here?

    LIFE: Quite interesting in parts, but no substitute for the real thing
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hmm...interesting responses. Yeah, nah j9 don't worry - the post didn't really come out of that conversation with my gf, but it was a convienent example. To be honest, I was more interested in other ppls opinions...

    HOWever, since the topic seems to have moved on to this particular conversation...

    Yes, the thought had crossed my mind, to be honest. I'm very insecure with most friends, and if someone admits they lied to me even once, then i get suspicious of a lot of what they say.

    I don't think Anna would have lied to me about this - but then again, what do I know?

    I didn't lose my mind, it was mine to give away.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Lying in relationships sucks. You all might have gathered that me and my boy finished cos i two timed him, to get him back as a friend i told him it wasnt a full tongue sarnie but a kiss on the lips. i only intended to get him back as a friend but now we are back back and it is a big secret and no one knows and fuck its eating me inside
  • Girl-From-MarsGirl-From-Mars Posts: 2,822 Boards Guru
    okay jobo, so telling him the truth meant he didnt want to be with you right then, but if it helps keep you together over just a small white lie then it isnt too major. if it didnt matter to you, and was jus something that happened when yuo were drunk in the heat of the moment and which you regretted and wouldnt do again, i dont see the harm in it as he has accepted it now, and it would only mess him up more if you then said you were wrong the second time and you did actually get off with a guy. anyway a "kiss on the lips" is only a teeny change from what it really was... i can understand how you feel though, if anything like that happened id have to tell my boyf because i always used to tell him everything and it was just imposible not to! but i think if the relationship is worth saving, which you must have thought it was to tell him it wasnt what it was, then i dont think you should enlighten him.

    It's better to regret things you've done than things you haven't.
  • Girl-From-MarsGirl-From-Mars Posts: 2,822 Boards Guru
    but to contradict my last post, generally i dont belive people should lie in relationships, especially about something liek going shopping with a female friend and saying that you were alone.. and then finding out from someone else and making it look like a BIG secret, especially when i didnt have particularly good feelings towards her anyway... guess they were justified, her and my ex got together after 2 weeks of us breaking up, after saying she was going to stay "impartial" and talk to me too and that she thought another bloke was evil for trying to pull that soon after ending a relationship!! hypocrite.

    sorry gone into my own relationship probs now! just ignore the rambling..

    It's better to regret things you've done than things you haven't.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    thanks for that girl from mars, as usual your reply really would have helped my dilemma yesterday but things got alot more complicated today!
    His mum found out we were "friends" and chucked him out of the house for going back to a cheap slut
    i told my mum we were friends and she wouldnt believe me told me to stop lying to her so i told her the truth and now i think she hates me cos i didnt take any advice off her and she is always sitting about mopping up my tears

    LADIES IT AIN'T EASY BEING INDEPENDENT
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    NO!!! I did not lie!! You silly woman!! <IMG alt="image" SRC="http://www.thesite.org/ubb/biggrin.gif"&gt;

    I mean that hte post was not provoked by this particular conversation, but the conversation was relevant and i used it as an example!! how dare you accuse me of lying!!


    I didn't lose my mind, it was mine to give away.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Everyone tells white lies at sometime or another, and occasionally a big, fat, hairy lie. But this "I did/didn't meet him" thing...have you actually asked her *why* she told you that? She may have some reason or other. It may have been a spur of the moment thing, but why? Ask her for the truth, and get everything out in the open. Nothing worse than worrying unnecissarily.

    *|* Chica *|*


    Stay Calm <IMG alt="image" SRC="http://www.thesite.org/ubb/mad.gif"&gt;
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    yeah Chica, i'm not worried. just wondering why - i would ask her, cept she's not around at the moment. holidaying in sunny moscow. strange girl <IMG alt="image" SRC="http://www.thesite.org/ubb/rolleyes.gif"&gt;

    I didn't lose my mind, it was mine to give away.
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