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Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
things r now way out of control,i feel as if i dont stop this now i will go insane.

i am a really insecure person, personally i think this stemmes from being bullies and losing my virginity to a complete wanker who completly used me for sex,this took away most of my self worth.
it may sound stupid but from then it was like i didnt feel i was worth nething which prob gave out the impression i was an easy slag!

so when i met jamie,i had no idea what he saw in me and to be honest in the beginning i thought he was only after 1 thing to. but as i realised he wasnt i didnt know how to cope with it. and i slept with 1 of his friends,im not using this as an excuse but i suppose in an unintended way i did it to stop him wanting to be close to me.

however it didnt work and he forgave me,but he put up a subconsious barrier and i think this is what led to alot of our problems because i dont think he felt like he could get close to me after this.

anyways gettin closer to the point! all what has happened in my past has made me the insecure person i am today. i love jamie with all my heart and we have been together 19 months now, so i suppose alot of u are going to wonder why i am still insecure,well to be honest i still wonder myself. but i cant trust him,not because of nething he has done (i dont think) but becos of what has happened to me.

but when ever he goes round town with his mates i worry all nite until i know he is home,and i am so paranoid he is gonna get with some1 else.this is getting me down so much cos i hate feeling like this,i really do.

but jamie means so much to me and i dont know what id do if he found some1 else,i dont suppose id blame him cos i am so nasty 2 him at times,i push him away but i dont really want to do this i want to cling to him forever,he means the world to me and i never want to split from him.

i just dont know how i can stop feeling like this,i try but nothing works,please help

luv me xxx


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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    where to begin...

    for starters, the fact that you have been together for so long proves one thing: their is 'something' going right with this relationship. he evidently trusts you, and sounds like a very understanding kinda chap. he seems able to understand when you need time for yourself, and when you want to be with him.

    by the same token, you are not a bad person because at times you 'push him away'. it is natural to want space.

    he means the world to you. do you tell him this. you have to ensure that he understands just how deeply you care about him (i'm sure he knows, but its always nice to be reminded!)

    i'd guess that, due to jamie's character, his trust of you, and his understanding nature, there is very little risk that he will go galavanting off with someone else.

    i know it can sometimes be hard not to worry about what your other half is up to. but you have to ask yourself, deep down, do i trust him. i think the answer is yes, you do. if not, then the relationship isnt really founded on good grounds, and you guys need to seriously talk things through.

    all i can really advise that you 'do' is to enjoy the present (its a gift, after all). dont spend all your time wondering about 'what ifs', because thats not fair on either of you. instead, just live each day as it comes, and have the time of your life. if the relationship is meant to be, and both of you are wholly committed, things will take care of themselves.

    trust: not just him, but yourself.

    although i've never been in your situation, i can understand why it can be difficult to trust men - some bad experiences are hard to shake off. but, not all men are like that, and jamie certainly doesnt sound like the type that would simply use you. so, for now, enjoy what you have, and let the future worry about the rest. good luck <IMG alt="image" SRC="http://www.thesite.org/ubb/smile.gif"&gt;

    Nolite te bastardes carborundorum
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    thank u! it is hard to think like that tho,say if i ring him and his mob is off, i start thinking crazy thoughts and i wonder if its cos he is with some1 else etc.

    he must get so pissed off about it,cos i do. i do try and live for the day and when im with him its fine.

    i feel like he isnt wanting to be as close to me as he used to and its starting 2 get 2 me.

    keep replying! luv me xxx
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Paranoia is an awful emotion, and I know how you feel.
    Because my gf has gone to a uni far far away, I get very paranoid. She tells me she is having a great time and I get jealous because she is having more fun than me. But then when I see her I realise I don't have anything to worry about and neither should you. If Jimbo tells you nothing is going on then you should believe him. You mention texting as well, I hate it when she doesnt reply, but then I realise that its prolly me writing at an inconvienient time, maybe the fact that he's at work means he can't reply. Or even if he runs out of credit. I think you should try and stop worrying so much, as paranoia can easily make things worse.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    i know that its prolly me expecting too much,but i know he has credit cos he gets free texts. and i know he may also be busy at work but he has an hour 4 dinner, and even when he is working on a nite he must get a break????? but anyways i know paranoia is an awful emotion <IMG alt="image" SRC="http://www.thesite.org/ubb/frown.gif"&gt;
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    uv got 2 speak 2 him bout it, tell him how u feel, if he feels the same, then he may understand ur rwasons, n u may b become closer which mite finally end ur insecurity. Stop worryin, it may b hard but uv just got 2 tell urself not 2 every day
    I used 2 hav sorta a similar problem. Im really short n bein a guy i get loads o stick 4 it, becos o this, wenever i got wiv a grl, i was always sceptical n always worryin she wud go off wiv sum1 else cos they wud b taller etc. I just had 2 convince myslef, that they wanted 2 b wiv me 4 sum reason, which made thm overlook the other stuff
    U make it seem like ur a terrible person, which u rnt really, uv just got 2 remind urself of the gud things about u, and change the things that rnt
    Hope this helps, n gud luck wiv him
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    thank you!! thing is i do talk to him about it,we know eachother inside out but i still feel sooooo insecure,when i lose my temper or fly off the handle he just hugs me, sometimes i push him away,which is the exact opposite of what i want to do but i feel some how vunerable??
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hey, sorry I took so long to reply.
    I'm so sorry you feel like this. I know myself that being hurt in the past can still leave painful scars, but this person, he seems like a cool guy.
    I'm crap at relationships (probably because I've yet to be in one), but my advice would be to maybe spend some more time with your friends, take your mind off him a little. Still see him of course, just chill with your friends, it'll probably give you more confidence.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru

    i just spent about 15mins writing a post, then my internet disconnected, the PC crahed, and i lost the lot. now i have to go, so i'll have to get back to you drekkly ennajojo. sorry!

    Nolite te bastardes carborundorum
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I know how you feel. I'm awful when it comes to not getting phone calls when I expect them & ending up re-dialing my boyfriend's number over & over & over again, convinced that he's not answering me because he ignores me or hates me, or worse, because something's happened to him.

    I think that when you're so used to having things go wrong in relationships (like losing your virginity to the wanker) it's hard to imagine that you can ever have a relationship that's stable. & the pushing your boyfriend away is probably partly fear that if you let him love you that you're vulnerable to being hurt again.

    What I've been trying to do lately (since having my boyf dump me recently - I'm now on "probation" while I prove to him that things can be different) is listen to the other voice. If you're anything like me, when you don't get a text or phone call there's one part of you (the emotional part) saying, "aargh! he hates me he hates me he hates me!" while another little part of you (the rational part) is saying, "There's probably some perfectly good explanation, no one's perfect and it's not fair to expect everything of him".

    I'm trying to concentrate on that part, and when I do get all worried I'm finding new ways of phrasing it. ie - when he doesn't call I now say, "So what have you been up to? I know you've probably been busy but I've been a bit worried that you haven't called lately" rather than "Don't you love me anymore? If you loved me you'd phone!" And, not surprisingly, he's responding a lot better and is now more likely to give me the encouragement that I need.

    Also thank you so so so much dazed_dan! What you posted reinforced what I've been thinking and has helped me a lot in being calmer. I could hug you if I had any idea who you were!!

    I hope it helps to know that you're not alone in the whole paranoia thing... Even if it can sometimes border on madness. <IMG alt="image" SRC="http://www.thesite.org/ubb/wink.gif"&gt;
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hi ennajojo,

    It seems to me that the only problem you have is one of low self asteem. You don't value yourself at all. Instead of concentrating on your faults start to focus on your good parts instead.
    There are some great books out now all about how to help you to learn to love yourself, so give some a try. I have and I have turned my life around. From having no friends I now have hundreds and make more every day!
    Once you value yourself you lose the fear of losing someone close and you get things into perspective. You attracted your guy into your life so you could learn from him so ask him how he values himself and let him teach you.
    Beware! once you gain true authentic confidence you will be magnetic and have loads of guys after you!!
    Remember-nobody is bad at the core, just frightened and uneducated about their own magnificence!
    God bless xx
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