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Need Advice on my B/F

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
my friend has a b/f who is 6yrs older than her and he's going abroad on her birthday. the relationship is not widely know by my family as they wudn't approve (age difference). even so they havent seen each other properly in bout 4weeks as he's always at work or watching the footie. she feels pushed away and thinks he hasnt got any time 4her any more...b/c the footie is more important 2him!! <IMG SRC="mad.gif" border="0" ALT="icon">
he says he loves her but she doesnt think he does. <IMG SRC="confused.gif" border="0" ALT="icon">
please can u give her sum advice!?! <IMG SRC="smile.gif" border="0" ALT="icon">


  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hey Cassie...

    Well, my first question would be are you sure that this is your friend you're talking about and not yourself? The reason I ask is because you said that your family wouldn't approve rather than saying her family. It's fine if you feel more comfortable pretending this is your friend but I just want to assure you that everyone here at the site is here to support you... that's what this place is all about.

    Now on to the actual problems...

    1) Your friend is worried that he doesn't love her- Does he actually do anything to show his love or does he just say it? When people are in love they want to see each other and do things to express their love for one another.

    With the age difference my worry would be that he's taking advantage of her (for example- does he only say that he loves her right before they have sex or to convince her to be sexual with him?) If that's the case she needs to leave him...

    2) She's worried that he's going to leave her- Is he going abroad for good or just for a short trip? If he's leaving for good and there are already so many problems the relationship probably won't work. Long distance takes a lot of work.

    Once again, I don't want to sound like her parents would about the age difference but it's possible that it is too big of a problem (how old is she?) She may not understand the pressures put on him by work and the amount of time it takes and therefore can't be supportive of him.

    Either way, she (or you?) needs to sit down with him and explain exactly how she feels and why. And it would be better to tell her parents- how can they overcome their fear that he's not good for their daughter if they don't know him? If anything, when they do find out about him they'll be even more upset and worried because their daughter hid it from them.

    Hope this helps somewhat... Smiles! <IMG SRC="wink.gif" border="0" ALT="icon">
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru

    yes i'm sure its my friend. her parents know bout it but the've neva met him and they've been going out for 2months. she's 16 he's 22. he's my brothers best mate but he has been in court 3times before. 2my knowledge hes done nothing 2show his love. APPARENTLY he has made her a CD of luv songs and written her a letter to give her before he goes away (hes only going 4 a short trip - 10days) but up 2now shes seen nothing of it.

    i know him and he neva seems 2have any time 4her which depresses her. i think hes using her but i dont like 2say anything in case she thinks i'm sticking my nose in (and in case she thinks i'm jealous).

    my family know him very well and (especially my parents) dont like him. he used 2live with us cos his parents kicked him out (sumthing 2 do with court).

    anyway she wants 2believe him but the truth is all her other b/f's have said the same thing - she is quite gulable when it comes 2love. she thinks shes experienced love before but at 16she hasnt!!

    i need help with this 1guys!! can u help!?! <IMG SRC="frown.gif" border="0" ALT="icon">
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Tell her that she needs to confront her boyfriend about it. As a friend, it's your job how to let her know that pursuing him furthur isn't a good idea. Assure her that you care about her, and only want what's best, and therefore this guy is a waste of time. Leave it at that, and let her do whatever she feels is right. It may take awhile, but she'll learn...if not now, later.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru

    i thought that bout her past b/f's but she neva learned then. she is blind when it cums 2 "love". as an outsider looking in i can see what shes doing wrong.

    the thing is - she cudn't care less bout what other people think of her!!
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hey Cassie...

    Sorry for thinking it was you. It's just really common for people to pretend that it's their friends problem so that they have an additional level of annonymity. Hope that you didn't take offense to that comment.

    Personally from what you've said I think that they should break up. She deserves better, she deserves to be happy and this guy doesn't seem to be the one to bring her that happiness.

    Maybe you should try to talk to her while he's gone and ask her why it is that she stays with him. Is it because she doesn't think that she deserves any better? In which case you should explain to her that she definetly does deserve more. Or is it because she honestly believes she's in love with this guy?

    Love does strange things to people and often they overlook or refuse to acknowledge the things they know to be wrong in a relationship. I don't know if he is the type of person she wants to spend the rest of her life with or even someone she would want to be with for a long time if she was honest with herself. But she may feel that she can't leave him because he's had problems and she can possible "fix" some of them by being there for him.

    Whatever the reasons are that she's still with him I would advise you to tell her your doubts about the relationship. I doubt that she will think that you're jealous if you tell it to her in a kind and gentle way. The best thing one of my friends ever did for me was to say "Sarah, I'm afraid that you are going to have to break up with Mike eventually because I just can't spend the rest of my life with him". She plans to stick around in my life for a while and knew that Mike wasn't the right guy for me...

    Good luck and remember that honesty on your part is the best plan because she may be blinded right now. Even if she gets mad now or doesn't listen she will thank you in the long run.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    <IMG SRC="eek.gif" border="0" ALT="icon"> that sounds real bad its obvious to everyone ur friend shudnt b used and shud dump the guy..thier obviously not goin to ever b close at this rate so the quicker its ended the less hert she will be. I think its quite sick to b with a guy 6yrs! older than her 3yrs 4 mayb even wud b alrit but... wait a min i think i know who this is... omg... care to tell me ur name at least? I hav a friend who is in the same situation...but even though its not rit.
    Its true that girls shud b wit older guys bcoz of the maturity gap... girls are 4 yrs older in maturity than guys as proven by scientists (which ones?). But if the girls in skool and the guys workin 2 different worlds and schedules never really work... so u know wat to do.. do it!

    In the mist i am ~Darkness~
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Dark Pheonix

    my names sarah, y? my mates name is april, whats yours?

    thanx for ur help guys but sum how i dont think i'l be able 2convince her of leaving him cos she "in love" with him!

    anyway i'll try

    thanx <IMG SRC="wink.gif" border="0" ALT="icon">
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    You don't have to convince her... just give her something to think about! And then the rest is up to her and you know that you've done your part. (Well, of course you'll also have to be there for the inevitible fall-out with tears and moaning for days on end- but that won't be right away I don't think).

    Let us know how things go...

    Smiles! From another Sarah
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