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Tell us a joke!

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
I'm stressed over exams, I know other people are stressed about other things - help more people in the world smile by telling us your favourite joke....

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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Its not my favourite but i got it on a text the other day...

    A cat tries to get a sausage out of the river but gets his paws wet, then sees a bigger one, but falls in.

    The moral of the story?

    Bigger the sausage, wetter the pussy.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Q What d'ya call a wig on the floor?
    A Off its head

    Q What do you call a raver trapped in a filing cabinet?
    A Sorted.

    Q How did Darth Vader know what Luke Skywalker got for Christmas?
    A: He felt his presents

    Q Who's the nicest people in a hospital?
    A The ultra-sound blokes

    They're pretty lame but hey they make me laugh :D
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    i heard these on the radio today, mite not work when read but ah well!

    there was a cornish man who was obsessed with tractors, and his wife got fed up of it and made him chose between her and the tractors.
    the man thought long and hard about it and in the end he chose his wife.
    one day they were in the pub and it was full of people smoking, suddenly the man took a massive breath and sucked in all the smoke from the room.
    a man turned to him amazed and asked him how he did it, the cornish man shrugged and said 'im an ex-tractor fan'

    knock knock
    who's there?
    europe
    europe who?
    no, you're a poo!

    hehe they made me giggle anyways!
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Originally posted by blonde__batman
    knock knock
    who's there?
    europe
    europe who?
    no, you're a poo!

    hehe they made me giggle anyways!
    It took me a while to work that one out. :blush:

    This one only works if you say it to someone...

    Person A: Ask me if I drive a tractor.
    Person B: Do you drive a tractor?
    Person A: No.

    That makes me laugh, it's so random and un-funny that it becomes funny. Plus the person who told me was like, rolling around on the floor with laughter at their own joke so that made it funny too. Anyway...:(
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walk in to a bar.
    The barman says, "Is this some kind of joke?"

    Don't worry folks, i've already got my.....

    coat.gif
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Originally posted by Young and sexy
    It took me a while to work that one out. :blush:

    This one only works if you say it to someone...

    Person A: Ask me if I drive a tractor.
    Person B: Do you drive a tractor?
    Person A: No.

    That makes me laugh, it's so random and un-funny that it becomes funny. Plus the person who told me was like, rolling around on the floor with laughter at their own joke so that made it funny too. Anyway...:(

    Omg, I would so laugh at that. :(
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    JsTJsT Posts: 18,268 Skive's The Limit
    Man walks in to the bar, with some tarmac rolled under his arm.

    Says to the barman: "Pint for me, and one for the road"


    They get worse.... :rolleyes:
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Originally posted by JsT
    Man walks in to the bar, with some tarmac rolled under his arm.

    Says to the barman: "Pint for me, and one for the road"


    They get worse.... :rolleyes:


    no matter how many times i hear that, i always laugh!
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    i always laugh at this one just because of the stupidity,not sure if you guys would since you don't know my friend who made it up
    two seals are sitting in the bathtub
    one says,"pass the soap"
    the other one says,"what do i look like?a typewriter?"
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    What do you call a three legged donkey?

    A wonky!

    My favourite joke.... :D
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Here's one of my faves...

    A little frog walks into a bank and approaches the main desk. He asks the woman there,
    "Can I take out a loan to fix up my pad?" The woman looks at him, and says,
    "OK, can I take your name please?"
    "My name is Kermit Jagger" the little frog replies.
    "How much are you intending to take out?" she asks.
    "Erm... about £100,000". The woman looks aghast.
    "Mr. Jagger, I'll have to refer you to our loans co-ordinator, Patricia Wakk, over there." So the frog hopes over to the other side of the room, and knocks on Patricia's window. She looks down, and says,
    "How much did you want to borrow?"
    "About £100,000, to fix up my pad." She thinks for a minute, then says,
    "Mr. Jagger, that is a lot of money. I'll have to go and ask the manager." She goes off, leaving Kermit waiting, and then soon returns with the manager, a grey-haired old guy. He says,
    "Before we can loan this amount of money, we need some form of security."
    "No problem," Kermit replies, and he proceeds to pull a little porcelain white elephant out of his froggy pocket. The manager takes it, looks it over, and says...











    "Its a knick-knack, Paddy Wakk, give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Originally posted by Sa-ra-ra-ra
    What do you call a three legged donkey?

    A wonky!

    My favourite joke.... :D

    You always have to laugh at that one! :lol:
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Originally posted by Rocks
    Here's one of my faves...

    A little frog walks into a bank and approaches the main desk. He asks the woman there,
    "Can I take out a loan to fix up my pad?" The woman looks at him, and says,
    "OK, can I take your name please?"
    "My name is Kermit Jagger" the little frog replies.
    "How much are you intending to take out?" she asks.
    "Erm... about £100,000". The woman looks aghast.
    "Mr. Jagger, I'll have to refer you to our loans co-ordinator, Patricia Wakk, over there." So the frog hopes over to the other side of the room, and knocks on Patricia's window. She looks down, and says,
    "How much did you want to borrow?"
    "About £100,000, to fix up my pad." She thinks for a minute, then says,
    "Mr. Jagger, that is a lot of money. I'll have to go and ask the manager." She goes off, leaving Kermit waiting, and then soon returns with the manager, a grey-haired old guy. He says,
    "Before we can loan this amount of money, we need some form of security."
    "No problem," Kermit replies, and he proceeds to pull a little porcelain white elephant out of his froggy pocket. The manager takes it, looks it over, and says...











    "Its a knick-knack, Paddy Wakk, give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

    i love that
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    This young lady from Dundee walks into a dry cleaners with this pair of trousers with a white stain on them.

    "Ahm wantin ya tae get 'is mark aff ma troosers, ya ken?"
    "Come again?"
    "No, it's mayonnaise"

    :thumb:
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    JsTJsT Posts: 18,268 Skive's The Limit
    http://uk.download.yahoo.com/ne/fu/attachments/pregnancytest.mov

    Funny video, couldn't get the fucking tag to work, was fux0red.
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    Indrid ColdIndrid Cold Posts: 16,688 Skive's The Limit
    Originally posted by *ash*n*nick*
    two seals are sitting in the bathtub
    one says,"pass the soap"
    the other one says,"what do i look like?a typewriter?"
    I don't get this one :confused:

    My favourite joke sadly wouldn't make sense in english, so I'll tell one I heard recently:

    A blonde woman was driving in a street, didn't stop at the STOP sign and almost crashed with a truck. The truck's driver gets angry and starts shouting at her, but she insists it was his fault. So he grabs some paint and a brush, paints a circle on the ground around the blonde's feet and tells her "Don't step out of this circle or I'll kill you." Then he grabs a hammer and starts smashing her car's windows.
    After all glass is smashed, he turns to look at her and sees her smiling. That makes him angrier, so he starts smashing the whole car with his hammer. When the car's iron has cavities all over, he looks at the blonde again and sees her giggling. So he grabs a knife and starts tearing the car's seats to shreds. After that, the blonde is openly laughing, so he asks her "What's so funny? I just destroyed your car!" and she says "While you weren't looking, I kept stepping out of the circle."
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Three desperately ill men met with their doctor one day to discuss their
    options. One was an Alcoholic, one was a Chain-Smoker, and one was a Homosexual.
    The doctor, addressing all three of them, said, "If any of you indulge in your vices one more time, you will surely die."

    The men left the doctor's office, each convinced that he would never again indulge himself in his vice. While walking toward the subway for their return trip to the suburbs, they passed a bar.

    The Alcoholic, hearing the loud music and smelling the ale, could not stop himself. His buddies accompanied him into the bar, where he had a shot of whiskey.
    No sooner had he replaced the shot glass on the bar, he fell off his stool, stone cold dead.

    His companions, somewhat shaken, left the bar, realising how seriously they must take the doctor's words. As they walked along, they came upon a cigarette butt lying on the ground, still burning.

    The Homosexual looked at the Chain-Smoker and said, "You know if you bend over to pick that up, we're both dead."
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