Angry with my Mum/Is it possible to rediscover your sexuality in your 40s?

Former Member

In brief, my Mum recently left my Dad for another woman, at the age of 43. I was having a discussion with my friend about this a couple of weeks ago and he reckoned that it just made her bisexual, whereas I think she's more like a straight woman who just happens to have fallen for someone, and that someone just happens to be a woman. Does that make any sense?

Either that or she's just having a mid-life crisis. She seems to like going out clubbing and all that non-parenty stuff with her new girlfriend. I dunno, I'm not really on speaking terms with her at the moment and I'm away at University. I'm just so angry - she's left all her responsibilities so she can go and behave like a teenager, while my Dad's left at home with a 16 year old daughter and a 10 year old son, while he has mental problems of his own (OCD/depression).

Anyone got anything to share on the subject? Is it possible to realise you're a lesbian after 23 years of marriage, or is it just a case of finding the right person at the right time?

I'd appreciate some objective opinions.

Former Member

Firstly your mum is a person first and a mum second. All mothers are. She shouldn't endure being unhappy in a relationship with your father just because that is what you are used to and what is 'safe'. She deserves, if she is miserable, to make herself happy as long as she is hurting nobody else.

Using your brother's illness as a reason for her to stay is unfair.

Is she neglecting her children? Does she still see them or has she left completely and doesn't keep in touch?

I can only imagine how hard it must be to accept your mother having a relationship with another woman but at the end of the day it is something that is obviously making her happy. Who knows, it might just be a phase she is going through, but who are you to judge?

Don't wanna sound harsh, sorry. :S

Former Member

Do you KNOW why your mum left your dad?

If she wasn't happy in that relationship then she has a right to leave, if only for her own happiness.

As for her going out clubbing, why do you think it embarrasses you so much? Is there any definitive reason why someone aged 43 shouldn't dance in clubs? From your mum's perspective she might think she is only enjoying herself whilst not harming anybody.

Former Member

Firstly, I am not bothered that she is having a relationship with another woman. I never said I was.

I am angry because she has left my dad, who has a mental illness (my dad not my brother) to take care of two children. While she has no job and is living off my dad's money, and spends all her time around her new flat or going out clubbing. I think I have a right to be angry about that because she wants to have it both ways - she wants all the fun of being independent without having any responsibilities. I never said she should stay because my dad's ill, but he has a lot to deal with already and leaving him to take her place in the household is just going too far in my opinion. He's the soul bread winner, always has been, and all she's ever done is spend his money. She's not had a job since I was about 4 years old. Everything she's ever taken up she's dropped after a few months, such as charity or voluntary work or societies she's been involved in.

I never said she wasn't entitled to be happy or have a life of her own. I also never said I was embarrassed by her going out clubbing! I just said I am angry with her for neglecting her responsibilities so that she can go out and do that.

I have to say I wasn't expecting such harsh responses.

Former Member

I don't know what to say. This is obviously not easy for you, and I think you have a right to be angry with your mum, although I obviously don't know the full story, it sounds like she has behaved appallingly.

Former Member

Originally posted by lisa simpson's saxophone

I have to say I wasn't expecting such harsh responses.

Well you give us a story and expect us to reply and when we do you give us the rest of the story. Perhaps out replies would be different if we knew you, but we don't. We cannot possibly know every aspect of your situation so expecting us to be able to comment as fairly as you want us to isn't fair.

Former Member

It sounds like your mum is having a midlife crisis and being incredibly selfish. She does have a right to leave obviously if she wasnt happy, but if shes left and is out clubbing all the time, spending your dads money while shes seeing someone else. Im not surprised youre furious with her. do you have anyone you can talk to about this? Your dad must be devastated.
I remember when my stepdad and my mum split up. I found it really hard to deal with as theyd been together since i was 7, and then split up when I was 22 or 23. I found it quite hard to deal with, as on one hand I just wanted to be there for my mum and was furious with my stepdad for what he did to her, but on the other hand I still loved my stepdad. It was hard feeling like piggy in the middle. I cried a lot over it, but now theyre both in other relationships, and I still see my stepdad and his new wife, and me and my mum are extremely close. Her partner is lovely too, and far better for her than my stepdad was.

Do you think your mum and dad will get back together or do you think your mum has gone for good?

Former Member

Is it possible to rediscover your sexuality in your 40s

possibly she has always felt this way, but never had the courage to act on it until now?

i understand where you're coming from, and she's obviously not gone round this the right way, but the first thing that came to my mind when i read this was that maybe she'd been suppressing her sexuality for a long time.

see now homosexuality is pretty well accepted, on the whole. but for people of her generation, it really wasn't. and i knowof a lot of men who got married and had families just because it was the thing you had to do, and then they come out in their 40s or later. so why couldn't that happen to a woman?

Former Member

I'm sorry Bumblebee, reading over what I wrote I didn't really tell you enough for you to be able to give a proper opinion on what I said. Sorry for being arsey with you.

I don't know if they will get back together. I can't see my Mum being happy just staying in the situation she's in at the moment but I don't know whether she'll grow up and get herself a job and really start a new life for herself, or whether she'll get tired of it and come back to my Dad (and his money). I kinda hope now she does at least make a go of being properly independent because she's never really had that.

I used to think my Mum was amazing. She was so classy, so cool and stylish. Now I just realise she was just a bored housewife who only had fun when she was out abusing my Dad's credit card. That's a pretty hard thing to realise.

Kaffrin, I'm not sure about what you said. But that's because it's my Mum and it's hard to consider things like that objectively. I know that she and my Dad were very happy together a while ago, but she's been friends with her girlfriend, who's been 'out' since she was about 17, for several years now. Maybe being best friends with a lesbian made her reassess her own sexuality, I don't know. Or maybe she just found someone she really had something in common with, as her girlfriend recently split up with a depressed partner too.

I guess I should have known it was too good to be true when my Mum took me clubbing in G-A-Y! I just thought she was the coolest Mum ever.

Former Member

You don't make it absolutely clear but it sounds like your mum did have a job all those years....looking after you and your brother.

I know this must be a difficult time but perhaps your mum wasn't getting any support from your father (Emotionally) and she finally snapped and started to do stuff the way she wanted, and that may include her sexuality?

Why is your dad still giving her money? She needs to completely break free of your dad if she truly wants to start living her own life and it seems to me that your dad is being a bit silly to keep paying! (If he is ?)

If they do split permenantly then there is always the chance that your dad will meet someone new - how will you feel if that happens?

Former Member

Originally posted by byny
You don't make it absolutely clear but it sounds like your mum did have a job all those years....looking after you and your brother.

Totally, I know that. But that still makes her dependent on my dad financially and I think that's part of the problem.

Originally posted by byny
I know this must be a difficult time but perhaps your mum wasn't getting any support from your father (Emotionally) and she finally snapped and started to do stuff the way she wanted, and that may include her sexuality?

That's true too, I think my Dad's very dependent on her because of his illness. I think this has been a good thing for him in some ways as it's forced him to start looking after himself a bit more and realise he doesn't need my Mum to do absolutely everything for him.

Originally posted by byny
Why is your dad still giving her money? She needs to completely break free of your dad if she truly wants to start living her own life and it seems to me that your dad is being a bit silly to keep paying! (If he is ?)

He couldn't just cut her off completely and leave her penniless. If they divorce then she's apparently entitled to up to 50% of everything. Although I'm not sure about the legal ins and outs of it. However, I do think it's not really right that she's out enjoying her freedom and having her fun nights out when it's my Dad's money paying for it. I'd like to see her get a job even if it payed peanuts just so that it wouldn't be like she was only living off my Dad. It's still early days though so maybe she will do something about that soon.

Originally posted by byny
If they do split permenantly then there is always the chance that your dad will meet someone new - how will you feel if that happens?

Really, I'm pretty detatched from it all up here in Edinburgh. I haven't even seen any of them since my Mum walked out, although I did go home a few weeks ago when I thought the situation was just that they were splitting up and my Dad was going into hospital for some psychiatric treatment. I keep offering to go home but my Dad wants me to stay up here and get my exams done. If my Dad met someone new in the distant future then I think I'd be happy for him but I don't see that happening for a long time - he doesn't really know that many women at the moment, let alone have chances to meet new ones. I think that situation would have more of an impact on my brother and sister than it would on me, though.

Former Member

Then I think the most important thing at the moment is communication, you are able to look at this situation from some distance and so your opinion will probably be clearer than most of the others involved.

Don't stop talking to your mum and make sure that your siblings know they can talk honestly to you about all this.

Your dad is right to tell you to concentrate on your own needs.