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Cop-out??

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
Hey all!

I'm new to TheSite and have a question for all you guys out there!

I've been seeing a guy and he doesn't want to take the relationship any further because (a) he's not "boyfriend material", (b) he would only end up hurting me and/or cheating on me and (c) he cares about me too much to hurt me.

Now, is that a cop-out or is that a cop-out?? Can anyone tell me what the hell is going on in his mind? "I'll hurt you now cuz I don't want to hurt you later" perhaps?

Any thoughts please to help me understand this!

xx
Nikki <IMG alt="image" SRC="confused.gif" border="0">

Comments

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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I used to be a bit like that, was my way of saying i am scared of relationships/commitment, but then i went off after the girl i was like that to and am now very happy, something some guys go through! they dont want to leave their single status to be with a girl! we are stupid at times and dont see godd things when they are right under our noses!

    Hope this helps!

    Cae9
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    ...it can actually be the case that the longer you leave it, the more it hurts... I wish I'd really comprehended that when I started going out with my ex....
    I think you need to ask him what he's scared of.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    yes, i agree with you that it is a cop out, but wouldnt it hurt you more if he just carried on going out with you and he was cheating on you and he woz making you unhappy because he was unhappy?im not taking his side,i think that wot he is doing to you is gitish but he's at least got the senseitivity to tell you that he wud be a lame boyfreind before you have to find out the hard way.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    He did tell me part of what's he's scared of, and I really do understand, but it's annoying that he can be so honest about some things and then shy away. It feels like he's using it as an excuse, and in a sense it's worse for him than it is for me--he isn't giving himself a chance to be happy.

    Second question--we've decided to remain friends (and were really good friends even before we started "seeing each other"), but I wonder if that will work? Anybody have any "we're still friends" experiences to share? and advice to give?

    xx
    Nikki
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Chris--thanks for your reply.

    You're right, I would be more hurt if that did happen, but I'm not convinced that it would. Do you think he should never try to have a relationship then? Or should he try to have a relationship with someone he doesn't care about so he won't worry about hurting her? But then what would be the point of that?

    xx
    Nikki
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    Porky_StalkerPorky_Stalker Posts: 108 The Mix Convert
    you need to get him to tell you why he thinks that, and explain what you feel about what he has said....

    At least he has said something now rather than leaving it...

    second question:

    being just friends can work, it will only work if you want it to.... if you feel it wont then talk to him about it.
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    Porky_StalkerPorky_Stalker Posts: 108 The Mix Convert
    i think he shouldnt not ever have a relationship with anyone. cos that would be him just giving up on himself!

    he need to work out whats wrong and how he feels about the relationship thing...
    he should have a relationship with someone he cares about... cos if he didnt then in my opinion, it would be pointless and wouldnt really work.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Bloke one...
    Continued to be best mates for about three months afterwards until he revealed his lurve for me, I stupidly kissed him again whilst drunk, and when I obtained my next bloke 7months later, went absolutely ballistic, turned into a rumour spreading, drug taking, truanting scaryboy, and blamed the collapse of his life on me. Bad.
    The second one...
    'I really care about you'... until he stood me up on a friendly meeting with mates (very embarrasing)... He used to get very sarky about my new boyfriends, e.g: At a barbeque, was holding hands with boyfriend no. 4, when he comes up screaming 'get a room' at the top of his lungs. Strange.
    Third... Was o.k. For 20 hours. Then rang up shouting 'what did I do wrong... etc...' Still see him occasionally, and we are very civil and polite to each other, though by no means good mates. Probably didn't help that he was no.2's best mate. Naughty me. <IMG alt="image" SRC="rolleyes.gif" border="0">
    Bloke four:
    Most recent... don't know... we can still chat but avoid certain topics. He confuses me by telling me I'm his best friend and then not calling for a few days after he says he will... plus he wants the same level of (non-physical) intimacy as before whereas I find it really painful to do this. So. Still in a transition, but being at separate unis (reason for breakup) has helped.

    Hope this was helpful....
    Sorry, but I don't know anyone who's had particularly good experiences with their exe's.... <IMG alt="image" SRC="confused.gif" border="0">
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Porky_Stalker-- I wasn't saying he shouldn't ever have a relationship with anyone. Yes, that would be completely giving up on himself. But isn't the only real option he's left himself that of not having any meaningful relationships at all? And if so, why bother?

    It makes me angry! And at this stage, it's better to be angry than hurt, though I'm sure that feeling will come soon enough too. I always think that understanding what people are doing and why (what motivates them) might make it hurt less. Naive?

    xx
    Nikki
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    Porky_StalkerPorky_Stalker Posts: 108 The Mix Convert
    your right.. understanding what people are doing/thinking will make you hurt less..

    if your his friend then you should talk to him about it and see what he can do/change to make everything better..
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Nikki, you are right its a cop-out. What he is probably thinking is that he doesn't want to get serious with you. However, he doesn't want to hurt you or can't think how to say it without hurting you worse.

    Remember that line in the film Liar Liar where Jim Carey tells his boss "I've had better" ? Well, I'm pretty certain that this guy of yours thinks there's better out there. Ouch. It may simply be that he isn't sure that there isn't better and wants to play around enough to find out.

    I'm really sorry if that sounds awful. If you'd prefer I can instead say that he really <IMG alt="image" SRC="frown.gif" border="0">a) is not "boyfriend material", (b) would only end up hurting and/or cheating on you, and (c) he cares about you too much to hurt you. The trouble is, that usually means the same thing.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Originally posted by Black_Knight:
    <STRONG>Nikki, you are right its a cop-out. </STRONG>

    True, but to me it sounds as if he likes you, but doesn't trust himself to remain faithful.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    was this guy a friend before hand? i think it makes a huge difference whether or not they were.

    I have had a serious relationship with one guy who was a friend for a year before hand and he behaved like the 'guy' you are describing. he was unsure and unable to decide if it was a good idea. i realise now that it wasnt. we broke up after 4 months and now he is with another girl but appears to be a bit reluctant to let go of the past and he wont talk to me or anything. i find it a bit strange but i am not going to be intimidated by it. but i have to say, if i had known that it would end like this i would never have gone into it, i've lost a great friend.

    another guy i went out with was more of a learning process. i knew nothing about him and had to learn from scratch. we did break up after 6 months because we had exams and it wasnt practicle. it was a bit awkward afterwards but we managed and now we get on fine. i prefered it that way and i have to say i still absolutely adore him.

    i have no idea if that helps at all but if you want to ask me anything then i'll be happy to answer.

    x.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Perhaps it is a cop-out. But it could also be the honest truth. I speak from experience when I say that some people can seem uncaring precisely because they care too much. They would rather stay distant and not risk harm than be close and take the chance. Perhaps it is an aversion to risk, something to be avoided: perhaps it is noble self-sacrifice. In all honesty, I am not sure. <IMG SRC="confused.gif" border="0" ALT="icon">
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Black Knight-- I know there's no nice way to say what you said, and I won't take any offence. I came here to get honest answers. The thing is, we were good friends before, and HE was the one that wanted to move it up--even though *I* protested. So has he just decided it was a bad idea now?

    Captain Kirk-- it seems to me that he has no faith in himself. If feels like he doesn't even want to try.

    Tinkabee-- We were friends before we were seeing each other. But can we stay friends? I don't know if it will be awkward. I did talk to him today, but I don't know if it will get wierd or if it's better for me to just not see him at all for a while.

    All-- Is it easier to try and stay friends, or cut it off completely? (easier emotionally and for my peace of mind, that is!)

    Thanx guys.
    xx
    Nikki
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    How long ago was that, Nicoleta, and did he seem to accept that was your answer? Perhaps he took you at your word and so began to look elsewhere around him for the new 'woman of his dreams'. Just because he hasn't got her, doesn't necessarily mean that he hasn't picked a prime candidate.

    I can only go on probabilities here. There is a chance that he meant only what he said, but lets be honest, the chances are pretty damn slim. There are very few real altruists in the world. It's a 99% chance that his answer is a cop-out, and you already feel that is the case. All that's left is to determine motive.

    I think he may well have his eye on someone else. Perhaps he's making sure he doesn't burn his bridges on your friendship and thus the 'soft soap' answer. Maybe he just isn't sure that the girl he really wants will respond to him, and so is keeping his options open.

    The thing is though that the chances are he has been insincere. You began this thread with that same 'gut instinct' and you know him better than any of us are likely to. Now all that's left is to decide whether his motive was pure (to protect your feelings) or impure (to not burn his bridges in case he later decides to be with you after all), or neither (he just didn't know how to express himself better so chose what he could say nicely).

    Just my views of course, but I think you started this discussion because your own instincts already told you this much.

    I love to give people the benefit of the doubt, but have learned the hard way that it is often best to prepare for the worst, even while hoping for the best. Don't leave yourself too wide open to getting hurt.

    We are talking about love here, and in that, anything but a clear and enthusiastic "Yes" is pretty much a certain "No".

    If the man doesn't want to be with you, I mean desperately, madly want it, then it sure isn't love yet. Don't sell yourself short - wait for the guy who'll climb mountains, swim oceans and risk all to be with you. This isn't him - at least, not yet.

    All the best.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Ri-i-i-gh-t....
    New development!!!!

    Why Oh Why am I such an idiot....

    So, he calls me today, about half an hour ago actually, and says he's been really depressed and in bad form the past couple of days.. hid in his room, shut off his phone...

    And he wants to know if I'll meet him tomorrow (Valentine's day??!!) for coffee after my tutorial... (this would be 3 in the afternoon, as I have a girly night with lots of vodka planned after this weekend's fiasco...)

    So, has he forgotten what day it is? does he just not care? or is he playing with my mind?

    Help!

    xx
    Nikki <IMG SRC="confused.gif" border="0" ALT="icon">
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Black Knight--meant to answer your post earlier but time ran away from me as it tends to do...

    I was really good friends with this guy, and he wanted to step it up, and I protested. Against my better judgment, we started "seeing each other" as more than just friends... and then he backed out... and then he came back... and now he backed out... and now he wants to see me tomorrow (not that i know what *that* means)....

    Is it just that he can't make up his mind?

    xx
    Nikki
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    grrrrrrr... you can really tell i'm not with it tonight... finishing off post about v-day...

    I agreed to meet up with him... (do i have "doormat" stamped on my forehead??)

    Why Oh Why...

    (yes, I'm a softie.. it's official. walk all over me. please. and all it took was him telling me he's been upset for the past few days...grrrrr)
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    it doesn't mean you're a doormat at all. You are still in control right? You are just going for coffee and a chat... it might do the two of you some good. Go and see him but just don't crumble and let him see how you really feel about him and what he's putting you through with all this worry.

    Good luck, come back and tell us how it goes!
    xxx.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    hello all.

    very hung over this morning. scraped *the bottom* last night... anyone ever slept in a pub???

    yesterday very sureal... yes, saw the man.. went for coffee. it was okay. he told me that his best friend is mad at him (God love her!) for treating me like shit. and that she's on my side. which is great considering i've known her for a month and a half and he's been best friends with her for a few years now. but, as things stand, i'm not going back for more punishment. just can't take it.

    that, and i feel wa-a-a-a-ay too ill this morning. i've finally discovered why we wanted to go out on the town on v-day instead of sitting in and feeling miserable... so we can sit in and feel miserable the next day... oh my poor head.

    xx
    Nikki
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hi Nicoleta, sorry I haven't been around for a few days. I was off doing some contract work miles away for several days.

    Beleive me, you almost certainly had a much better valentine's day than I did. The guy I was doing some work for took me out for a meal after work and naturally we got teased mercilessly.

    I guess two guys sitting in a restaurant together on Valentine's night were just asking for the waitresses to ask if we wanted the candle lit, to send us complementary love-heart balloons over, etc, etc. Oh the shame of it.

    Anyway, back to the matter in hand. Yes, it certainly does sound as if he can't make up his mind. To me, that says it isn't love, and it says it very clearly and loudly.

    When you're crazy about someone, you just don't back out or change your mind. You don't seem like the kind of woman who needs to settle for anything less than someone who is absolutely crazy for you, so don't. <IMG SRC="smile.gif" border="0" ALT="smile">
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    sorry i havnt read all the topic cause iom 2 lazy but
    the best way 2 deal wit him is to just tell him wat u want my friend wa like that and a girl just told him how she wanted it and problem solved <IMG SRC="smile.gif" border="0" ALT="icon">
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hello all....

    I'm confused now!!!
    After all that shite that was spewed at me (and yes, Black Knight, it may be just because he doesn't want to get serious with me) he keeps calling me, and we've met up a couple of times. Now, what really bothers me is that he calls me and says "oh, i've been upset and really depressed for the last few days" (and why tell me that? right after he broke up with me?). What is that supposed to say to me?

    Another thing that bothers me is that he won't let me pay for it myself when we go out for coffee... now, he may just be trying to be a gentleman, but that's really giving me the wrong message.

    Oh, and he's coming to a black tie dinner with me on friday, and asked me to go to some talk with him on saturday... It's funny that we're seeing almost as much of each other now as we were before.. but I'm angry now and I wasn't before.

    What game is he playing? I could tell him what I want, but that isn't going to help if he doesn't know what he wants.

    xx
    Nikki
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    oh, just though i'd add too, that if i could get back together with him, i wouldn't, unless he proved himself (i.e. by climbing mountains, swimming oceans, etc <IMG SRC="biggrin.gif" border="0" ALT="icon">), but my goodness, would it be tempting!
    I can't handle my emotions being tossed about and trampled on again.
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